Now that I have Internet back, at least for a couple more weeks, I can sneak in a blog.
It's been a really tough few weeks trying to not get myself to a point of complete self-defeat. I try every day to be on top of every aspect of my life and just always seem to fail somehow. This could be financially, emotionally, as a mother, as a single parent, as an employee, as a friend, or any number of other things or people I need to be in one day. No matter what I do, it just doesn't end.
Yes, I do know this is somewhat a normal part of life. Part of being a grown up and having responsibilities. I understand that I am not perfect and I am not the only one in the world that can make a poor decision or a decision made out of fear. I know that I will never be a perfect parent or friend. What's really hard is the feeling of never being "good enough".
I have this gym membership that I can't cancel, but can't pay for either. I feel guilty using it or not using it so it's a battle either way. I also have my eating disorder self that I have to battle with at the gym. When I got the gym membership, I felt it was a good decision. After all, it's a good thing to keep your body moving and set a good example for my children. The price wasn't bad and it was part of my recovery, learning to balance a healthy amount of exercise. I had a job with benefits, my own place, and things seemed to be going well. I had no idea that months later I would find myself in a completely different situation. No job, no benefits, and no money. I did what I could to survive the month without a job and fortunately found one quicker than some in this economy. The problem though was playing catch up from that month off.
It doesn't seem like a long time, but when you are a single mom of three girls trying to make it, it is a very long time. I am still trying to catch up from that month. It has gotten to the point of not being able to provide food or other things. Some people suggest getting rid of all extras, like cable and phone but I do not have cable and phone. I do have Internet, but that is a need because of my school and the girls school. So do I get rid of that? Eventually it was just shut off because I couldn't pay the bill.
Christmas is only in a few short days and I have not been able to bless my girls with gifts. I just kept reminding myself and my girls that it is more important that we have a roof over our heads because even that is on thin ice. But now that it's getting closer the emotions are coming. I am very sad. I feel like a failure as a parent because I can't cancel the gym membership to help.
The emotions and burdens that come with being alone in the parenting venture are so heavy that there are days I just want to fall to the floor. I don't know that there are words to express what it feels like and the frustrations I feel. The heart-breaking texts I receive from my daughters continues to make me feel like more of failure than I already feel. I can't fix it for them. I may even screw it up more, which I know I have in the past. My hurt hearts everyday for them and at the same time is very proud of them. They have been through a lot and continue to endure things they don't deserve. A million "if only's" go through my head everyday involving my girls. It is very overwhelming and I know that I make choices that probably will screw them up forever or at the very least have them sitting in a therapists' chair complaining about how awful of a mom I was. How I wasn't there for them or how they blame me for what has happened. I worry that I didn't get out of bed soon enough or that I had to work too late, or that I made the wrong breakfast for them, or even that I didn't smile enough at them. Did I do everything I could to help them succeed despite their circumstances?
Everyday feels like another defeat.
Well, here's the other perspective. Everyday I see my kids in need, whether its financially, emotionally, or physically, I try even harder to provide for them. It gives me motivation to keep growing and changing. It gives me that second wind to get through the rest of the day. My girls are my motivation. They deserve so much better than they have and if there is just one thing I can do today to help them, I will. I am tired, very tired. I am tired of doing this alone. I am tired of carrying it all on my shoulders. I am tired of having to have it all together so they don't get worried too. I am tired of playing so many roles at the drop of a hat or even at the same time. I am tired of feeling defeated with my finances and not being able to buy food or coats for them. I am tired of not being able to snap away the pain and sorrow my girls and I feel everyday and try to cover up.
I have some decisions I have to make that are very scary to make, but I know it needs to be done. I can't keep running. I am blessed and loved and need to quit doing this on my own.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
"Don't go backwards"
Yes it's been a while since my last post. First because I had a computer virus I needed to get fixed, then the holidays, the time just got away.
Anyway, many of you know the struggles I have been dealing with the past few months. It is very tough being a single mom. Emotionally, financially, physically, etc. There are days I want to throw the towel in and there are days that I just "know" I am a failure. There are also days I question every decision I made that got me to where I am. I wonder where is the better. I thought recovery and being healthier was supposed to feel good and make my life better.
Here's the thing plain and simple! It has. No matter the struggles, the bad days, the regretting thoughts, or the feeling of being a failure, I am healthier and that is better.
A few days ago someone that didn't know my struggles found them out. She simply hugged me. Then she quietly said, "don't go backwards." She is right. I have to keep going forward. No matter how bad things get or how depressing the future may seem, it won't get better if I step back. The truth is I was headed the direction. I was feeling so desperate that anything that would help me out seemed like a good idea. But that was only going backwards. I don't want to go backwards. I can't pin point what it was that made me lose my drive, but I did. It makes me sad that the girl fresh out of recovery that had dreams and goals disappeared.
So today I have a choice. I can wallow in my own self-pity or I can take care of myself the way I know how. Sure I have a lot of reasons to be sad and frustrated with my situation, but I also have a lot of reasons to be grateful. I am so very grateful that I have so many people that love me and want to see me acheive my goals. I have so many people that support me and don't leave my side despite my flaws. I have three beautiful daughters who are so very helpful and encouraging and of course they ground me and bring me back to reality. I have a job, a roof, a bed, running water, food, heat, and so much more. I am grateful!
My life is hard but it's also mine. Today I am going to take care of myself. I am going to make choices for me that will help me move forward. I will take one step, even if it's a baby step, forward, not backwards, towards my dreams and goals.
Anyway, many of you know the struggles I have been dealing with the past few months. It is very tough being a single mom. Emotionally, financially, physically, etc. There are days I want to throw the towel in and there are days that I just "know" I am a failure. There are also days I question every decision I made that got me to where I am. I wonder where is the better. I thought recovery and being healthier was supposed to feel good and make my life better.
Here's the thing plain and simple! It has. No matter the struggles, the bad days, the regretting thoughts, or the feeling of being a failure, I am healthier and that is better.
A few days ago someone that didn't know my struggles found them out. She simply hugged me. Then she quietly said, "don't go backwards." She is right. I have to keep going forward. No matter how bad things get or how depressing the future may seem, it won't get better if I step back. The truth is I was headed the direction. I was feeling so desperate that anything that would help me out seemed like a good idea. But that was only going backwards. I don't want to go backwards. I can't pin point what it was that made me lose my drive, but I did. It makes me sad that the girl fresh out of recovery that had dreams and goals disappeared.
So today I have a choice. I can wallow in my own self-pity or I can take care of myself the way I know how. Sure I have a lot of reasons to be sad and frustrated with my situation, but I also have a lot of reasons to be grateful. I am so very grateful that I have so many people that love me and want to see me acheive my goals. I have so many people that support me and don't leave my side despite my flaws. I have three beautiful daughters who are so very helpful and encouraging and of course they ground me and bring me back to reality. I have a job, a roof, a bed, running water, food, heat, and so much more. I am grateful!
My life is hard but it's also mine. Today I am going to take care of myself. I am going to make choices for me that will help me move forward. I will take one step, even if it's a baby step, forward, not backwards, towards my dreams and goals.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Frustration or Gratefulness?
So I let go of my pride and walked into the welfare office to apply for food stamps. I also turned in an application at their schools for the free/reduced lunch program. Pride? Well because it means I am a failure at providing for my girls. Anyway, a week later I find out that I only qualify for $30 a month. What? How does a single mom of 3 children only qualify for so little? How do I feed my girls on $30 a month? Of course my first reaction is not of thankfulness, it's of frustration and unfairness. It's validating my inability to provide for my girls. I felt horrible. Now what? How do I feed them?
I received a letter from their schools and I anxiously opened it. They all said that my girls qualify for free lunches and breakfasts. Phew! That's two meals they can eat. I explained to them that they can now eat at school and of course added on to be grateful that they have this opportunity. As teenagers, they complained at first, just as I did about the food stamps. They don't want to known as the poor kids in line. I understand how hard it is but continued to explain to them that we all need to be grateful for what we do have because there are some out there that are living out their cars or worse, on the streets picking food from the trash.
Talk about a different perspective. I get to that parent side of me and completely change how I am thinking. I am grateful that my girls will be able to eat 2 decent meals a day. I am grateful that they have opportunities other kids don't have like even being able to go to school. And even though I only get $30 a month, I get $30 a month. I can get some milk, peanut butter and bread. Sure it may get boring, but it's food. I am thankful that my situation is not worse than it is.
I received a letter from their schools and I anxiously opened it. They all said that my girls qualify for free lunches and breakfasts. Phew! That's two meals they can eat. I explained to them that they can now eat at school and of course added on to be grateful that they have this opportunity. As teenagers, they complained at first, just as I did about the food stamps. They don't want to known as the poor kids in line. I understand how hard it is but continued to explain to them that we all need to be grateful for what we do have because there are some out there that are living out their cars or worse, on the streets picking food from the trash.
Talk about a different perspective. I get to that parent side of me and completely change how I am thinking. I am grateful that my girls will be able to eat 2 decent meals a day. I am grateful that they have opportunities other kids don't have like even being able to go to school. And even though I only get $30 a month, I get $30 a month. I can get some milk, peanut butter and bread. Sure it may get boring, but it's food. I am thankful that my situation is not worse than it is.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Sticks and Stones.....
We have all heard the old saying, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me", right? We may have even been taught to say it to those who made fun of us or said things that were hurtful. But is there any truth to this old saying?
I've been thinking a lot about this ever since the video about the judge beating his daughter with a belt surfaced. It's painful to watch and has made me flinch like the rest of the world. As I have seen the news and interviews with the daughter and even the mother who joined in the beating, it has brought up a lot of feelings and a lot of thinking.
Why is it that it is so easy to stand up and say it is wrong to hit someone repeatedly with a belt but not so easy to stand up and say that it's wrong to verbally abuse a child or any person for that matter? I understand that one is visible and the other is not. I understand that it is harder to prove one over the other. I also understand that the world doesn't see the verbal or emotional as abuse the way they see the beating in the video. This is a very hard topic for me as I have experienced both. But from my perspective the verbal and emotional is worse and much more difficult to overcome.
I have fears of touch yes, but I struggle everyday with words that haunt me every minute. I also watch this borderline abuse almost daily in my children. I say borderline because I am not sure where the line is when you call it abuse or being inappropriate. I cry myself to sleep at night knowing there isn't anything I can do about it. I am sad knowing that my girls will grow up with thoughts and words that will haunt them also. Knowing that it may just as hard if not harder for them to let go of the words they have been told.
Every minute of everyday there are people that suffer in silence with these words. These feelings of low self-worth, hopelessness, self-hatred, lack of trust in people and the world, fears, and so many more stick with people so badly that they believe them and begin to act out. They act out in eating disorders, in drug addictions, in alcohol addictions, in self-harming behaviors, sexually and so many other ways. People quickly judge these behaviors and don't think of what is underneath them. The cry for help and love and attention and acceptance that the person so desperately wants. The covering up of the the horrid self-hatred and hopelessness that people feel. And why? All because someone they love and trusted told them they were ugly or worthless. Someone that was supposed to love and care for them tied them to a bed and told them they could never love them and that they weren't as good as someone else. That they could never measure up or would never be someone when they grew up. The words go on and on and on. The phrases continue to replay in our minds as young children until they become who we are.
Whether we have been beat or told horrible things....we suffer. It's not fair that so much attention is brought to a beating but no one likes to talk about the verbal and emotional abuse that goes on all to often. Where are the videos of a mother belittling her child? Where are the videos of a father telling his son he'll never be good enough? Where are the videos of the words?
The new perspective in all of this? I don't know. Maybe it is something as simple as not judging other's behaviors or speaking out a little more about the words. I don't know if videos will ever surface of the verbal abuse of a parent or if the judicial system will ever take it more seriously but I do know that it is real and unless people speak out more, there will continue to be little attention on the words.
I've been thinking a lot about this ever since the video about the judge beating his daughter with a belt surfaced. It's painful to watch and has made me flinch like the rest of the world. As I have seen the news and interviews with the daughter and even the mother who joined in the beating, it has brought up a lot of feelings and a lot of thinking.
Why is it that it is so easy to stand up and say it is wrong to hit someone repeatedly with a belt but not so easy to stand up and say that it's wrong to verbally abuse a child or any person for that matter? I understand that one is visible and the other is not. I understand that it is harder to prove one over the other. I also understand that the world doesn't see the verbal or emotional as abuse the way they see the beating in the video. This is a very hard topic for me as I have experienced both. But from my perspective the verbal and emotional is worse and much more difficult to overcome.
I have fears of touch yes, but I struggle everyday with words that haunt me every minute. I also watch this borderline abuse almost daily in my children. I say borderline because I am not sure where the line is when you call it abuse or being inappropriate. I cry myself to sleep at night knowing there isn't anything I can do about it. I am sad knowing that my girls will grow up with thoughts and words that will haunt them also. Knowing that it may just as hard if not harder for them to let go of the words they have been told.
Every minute of everyday there are people that suffer in silence with these words. These feelings of low self-worth, hopelessness, self-hatred, lack of trust in people and the world, fears, and so many more stick with people so badly that they believe them and begin to act out. They act out in eating disorders, in drug addictions, in alcohol addictions, in self-harming behaviors, sexually and so many other ways. People quickly judge these behaviors and don't think of what is underneath them. The cry for help and love and attention and acceptance that the person so desperately wants. The covering up of the the horrid self-hatred and hopelessness that people feel. And why? All because someone they love and trusted told them they were ugly or worthless. Someone that was supposed to love and care for them tied them to a bed and told them they could never love them and that they weren't as good as someone else. That they could never measure up or would never be someone when they grew up. The words go on and on and on. The phrases continue to replay in our minds as young children until they become who we are.
Whether we have been beat or told horrible things....we suffer. It's not fair that so much attention is brought to a beating but no one likes to talk about the verbal and emotional abuse that goes on all to often. Where are the videos of a mother belittling her child? Where are the videos of a father telling his son he'll never be good enough? Where are the videos of the words?
The new perspective in all of this? I don't know. Maybe it is something as simple as not judging other's behaviors or speaking out a little more about the words. I don't know if videos will ever surface of the verbal abuse of a parent or if the judicial system will ever take it more seriously but I do know that it is real and unless people speak out more, there will continue to be little attention on the words.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Hopeless?
I have been starting many blogs with many different topics the past few days and have finished none of them. I have deleted them and put my computer down. Why? Because there is so much on my mind that I don't know where to start or to finish my thoughts. But I think I will write about taking life one day at a time or even one minute at a time.
Last week I had a garage sale to help financially and for last week it did. I was content that I would be okay for another. Not only did I cover my bills, I was very blessed with groceries to feed my girls. Okay, so one week down and okay. I was also able to see the greatness of God's love and blessings for me, despite that I soooooooo don't deserve any of it. I also have been brought to tears the love of my friends that have been helping me through all of this chaos. I am in awe of last week.
Here I am in a new week with new problems. Again, struggling with covering all the bills. I feel so defeated and unsure of what to do. Last night I was trying to grasp at anything to help my situation. Some of those thoughts weren't good ones and would not be smart decisions to make. But what do I do to help my situation? My ultimate decision is to have another garage sale this weekend to see if I can once again pay my bills. My frustration is that I don't have anything but basic bills and one loan that is causing me such stress.
So where's my new perspective? I don't know anymore as I am just trying to survive each day. A friend reminded me last to take it one day at time. And at this point in my life, I have to. I have to know that today, there is food for my girls, I have a place to live, and a job along with many other blessings. Today there isn't anything to worry about. I also had another dear friend remind me of the basics. She said she loved me and hates to see my struggle. That brought tears to my eyes to know that she cares that much about little ole me. Me, someone that is so messed up and so confused and struggles with way to many things.
I get it and I know I have screwed, especially with money and trying to care for my girls. It is so very hard and emotionally overwhelming to bear all the burdens of raising my girls alone. There are days I want to throw the towel in and not to it anymore. There are days that all I want to do is hold them in my arms and just love them. There are days I want to run away and hide. There are days I want to be able to tell them that I have it all under control. And there are days that I just don't know what I want or what to do. I do know that it's my job to protect them and provide for them, two things I feel I can't do. There are things I don't have control over and that burdens my heart so heavily.
There is a song that I relate to so much lately and every time it comes on the radio it makes me wonder if I really am more than flesh and bones or if I have screwed up enough to not be worth anything.
http://youtu.be/oF5CjtrIl_c
Check out the song! The first couple of lines is all that I am and why I feel so defeated. I am the "wife" that stays up late at night, the "man" struggling to provide, the "son" who chose a broken road, and the girl that will end up alone! Hopeless. What's next?
Last week I had a garage sale to help financially and for last week it did. I was content that I would be okay for another. Not only did I cover my bills, I was very blessed with groceries to feed my girls. Okay, so one week down and okay. I was also able to see the greatness of God's love and blessings for me, despite that I soooooooo don't deserve any of it. I also have been brought to tears the love of my friends that have been helping me through all of this chaos. I am in awe of last week.
Here I am in a new week with new problems. Again, struggling with covering all the bills. I feel so defeated and unsure of what to do. Last night I was trying to grasp at anything to help my situation. Some of those thoughts weren't good ones and would not be smart decisions to make. But what do I do to help my situation? My ultimate decision is to have another garage sale this weekend to see if I can once again pay my bills. My frustration is that I don't have anything but basic bills and one loan that is causing me such stress.
So where's my new perspective? I don't know anymore as I am just trying to survive each day. A friend reminded me last to take it one day at time. And at this point in my life, I have to. I have to know that today, there is food for my girls, I have a place to live, and a job along with many other blessings. Today there isn't anything to worry about. I also had another dear friend remind me of the basics. She said she loved me and hates to see my struggle. That brought tears to my eyes to know that she cares that much about little ole me. Me, someone that is so messed up and so confused and struggles with way to many things.
I get it and I know I have screwed, especially with money and trying to care for my girls. It is so very hard and emotionally overwhelming to bear all the burdens of raising my girls alone. There are days I want to throw the towel in and not to it anymore. There are days that all I want to do is hold them in my arms and just love them. There are days I want to run away and hide. There are days I want to be able to tell them that I have it all under control. And there are days that I just don't know what I want or what to do. I do know that it's my job to protect them and provide for them, two things I feel I can't do. There are things I don't have control over and that burdens my heart so heavily.
There is a song that I relate to so much lately and every time it comes on the radio it makes me wonder if I really am more than flesh and bones or if I have screwed up enough to not be worth anything.
http://youtu.be/oF5CjtrIl_c
Check out the song! The first couple of lines is all that I am and why I feel so defeated. I am the "wife" that stays up late at night, the "man" struggling to provide, the "son" who chose a broken road, and the girl that will end up alone! Hopeless. What's next?
Sunday, November 6, 2011
The Gift of Nothing
As I sit here staring at my somewhat empty apartment tonight...I am full of gratefulness and joy! As hard as it was to make the decision to sell our things to help financially, I have to remind myself it's just stuff.
You see, I had a "garage" sale today to make ends meet. I have so many emotions going on right now, mostly that of being a complete failure. I have been struggling financially since August and things are just getting worse. At first I put my account in the negative each payday in order to keep going. There were just to many demands, school fees, school supplies, more school fees, more gas in the car because of school, clothing, food, etc. etc. etc. I tried to keep up without letting the girls know how serious things were. I didn't want them to worry or feel guilty about their needs. I wasn't spending money on expensive clothes or even extra school needs. Just the very basics.
But as time went on I just couldn't do it anymore. I had to take back control and I made the decision to not go in the negative anymore no matter what. The problem though was that I would not be able to buy groceries. Fortunately I was so blessed with groceries from a dear friend, who didn't even know how serious my situation was. Sadly, I was still going to go in the negative. I decided to sell some of my "prized" positions which led to the idea of selling more things.
This was hard for me because we don't have much. I just think that as a "responsible" parent, my girls need a couch to sit on and a table to eat at. I began to ask myself, how much stuff do we really need to survive? I weighed my options and providing my girls with a roof over their heads was more important to me than having a couch. So I figured if some people don't even have a roof over their heads, we can eat on the floor. So it began...the garage sale. I sold my table and chairs, my day bed/couch, night stands, and a bunch of other things. And yes, I even sold my Coach bags...the only possession I love because I buy one every year on my treatment anniversary. They are reminders of where I have been and to keep going. Reminders that are now gone.
Now it is almost the end of the day and yes, I did make the perfect amount to cover my utilities and car insurance and a couple other bills without going in the negative. I kind of don't really know where to go from here. I have all sorts of mixed feelings but I do have a new perspective of what "need" means. We need food, water, shelter, and clothing. These things I can provide for my girls. And I will do whatever it takes to make sure they have their needs, even if it means selling my "stuff"
You see, I had a "garage" sale today to make ends meet. I have so many emotions going on right now, mostly that of being a complete failure. I have been struggling financially since August and things are just getting worse. At first I put my account in the negative each payday in order to keep going. There were just to many demands, school fees, school supplies, more school fees, more gas in the car because of school, clothing, food, etc. etc. etc. I tried to keep up without letting the girls know how serious things were. I didn't want them to worry or feel guilty about their needs. I wasn't spending money on expensive clothes or even extra school needs. Just the very basics.
But as time went on I just couldn't do it anymore. I had to take back control and I made the decision to not go in the negative anymore no matter what. The problem though was that I would not be able to buy groceries. Fortunately I was so blessed with groceries from a dear friend, who didn't even know how serious my situation was. Sadly, I was still going to go in the negative. I decided to sell some of my "prized" positions which led to the idea of selling more things.
This was hard for me because we don't have much. I just think that as a "responsible" parent, my girls need a couch to sit on and a table to eat at. I began to ask myself, how much stuff do we really need to survive? I weighed my options and providing my girls with a roof over their heads was more important to me than having a couch. So I figured if some people don't even have a roof over their heads, we can eat on the floor. So it began...the garage sale. I sold my table and chairs, my day bed/couch, night stands, and a bunch of other things. And yes, I even sold my Coach bags...the only possession I love because I buy one every year on my treatment anniversary. They are reminders of where I have been and to keep going. Reminders that are now gone.
Now it is almost the end of the day and yes, I did make the perfect amount to cover my utilities and car insurance and a couple other bills without going in the negative. I kind of don't really know where to go from here. I have all sorts of mixed feelings but I do have a new perspective of what "need" means. We need food, water, shelter, and clothing. These things I can provide for my girls. And I will do whatever it takes to make sure they have their needs, even if it means selling my "stuff"
Friday, November 4, 2011
Hanging by a Thread
I am trying so very hard to turn my perspective around in this defeated position. Here I sit, completely defeated and unable to do this on my own anymore. I have been close to tears for days and those of you that know me, know that I don't cry! I am spinning and spinning and feel like everything is just so out of control. The logical side of me knows that I need to do something and take back control but I just don't know what that looks like. Recovery, well has seen and heard a few choice words and is almost out the window. At this point all I am trying to do is hold it together so my girls so realize how bad our situation really is.
What I can do is be thankful that today I have a job. Today I have hot water. Today I woke up with a roof over my head and a warm blanket covering me. Today I have clean clothes to wear and today I have food in the cupboard. I am also thankful that I get to watch my daughter in her first performance tonight! Today I will try to hang on to today and remember that today is what I have right now.
What I can do is be thankful that today I have a job. Today I have hot water. Today I woke up with a roof over my head and a warm blanket covering me. Today I have clean clothes to wear and today I have food in the cupboard. I am also thankful that I get to watch my daughter in her first performance tonight! Today I will try to hang on to today and remember that today is what I have right now.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Birthdays and Chaos
So yesterday was my birthday and I actually had a lot to write about. Several different topics rolling around in my head all day making it difficult to pick one. As the day ended and I got home from work, chaos hit the fan! During all the chaos, the dog was out to go potty and took off into the street. Needless to say, he got hit by a car and the next thing I hear is him yelping/crying. He took off and hid somewhere, according to a witness. My girls immediately go into a crying and I go in search of the dog along with a few neighbors who saw the whole thing. I hold in many emotions and continue to look despite not knowing where to look. Finally a neighbor spotted him but he wouldn't go to her and she told me where he was. I went that direction and saw him sitting there in the dark and scared. He hesitated at first then realized it was me and slowly crawled into my arms. He was dirty, bloody, and shaky. I carried him to the car and took him to the Animal ER. We were there until 12:30 and Chippy is fortunate. Nothing broken or no life-threatening injuries. He is just bruised, scraped, and scared. So I skipped the special cake a friend made for me and we all crawled into bed unsure of what this morning would hold. My girls all got up and went school, I am so proud of them. And I came back home and crawled back into bed with the dog.
So anyway, I tell you all this because that was just a small part of the chaos. There was chaos that led up this incident and while I sat in the animal ER, my brain went through so many emotions and thoughts that I had to hold back tears. I wanted to cry out of anger, not at the dog or the fact that he got hit and we were spending the night at the vet. I was angry at so many things. I was angry that I had a cake at home I couldn't eat. I was anger the day did not go the way I wanted it to go. I was angry that my coworker called me last minute to tell me she didn't want to switch shifts. I was angry that I spent the night at work and not at home. I was angry at a certain person for the way he handled the dog situation. I was angry that I can't handle chaos. Then I tried to figure out how to eliminate the chaos in my life. I thought of moving across country, or at least a different state. I thought of yelling and screaming. I thought of anything I could do to make it all go away. I was tired and upset that my birthday was a fail.
But was it? Let's look at it from a different perspective. I woke up yesterday with 3 beautiful girls that I am so blessed having. I took them to school and came home and was grateful that I could spend another couple of hours in bed. Getting more sleep is a luxury. I received many facebook "happy birthdays" and texts and phone calls of people that love and care about me just to say Happy Birthday. The day before a friend took me to breakfast. The day before that I was blessed with groceries to feed my girls. Kirsten was blessed with the funds to get her outfit for her first performance on Friday night. My girls got to spend an afternoon at a friend's house carving pumpkins and making caramel apples. And last night I was blessed with a beautiful cake. Oh and I got a Peppermint Mocha!
Because of the love languages, I learned that I am a gift giver. So when it comes to birthdays, celebrations, or even just because I love to give and receive gifts. The days leading up to my birthday I tried so hard not to be sad knowing I wouldn't get any gifts. Knowing that I couldn't go spend the day at the beach, which is what I really wanted. But when I stop to think about these last few weeks, I got everything I wanted and more. I wanted to be able to feed my girls. I wanted to be able feel loved. I wanted to have a cake, a red velvet one. And I wanted to feel joy. I have been blessed beyond measure this year and wouldn't have wanted it any other way. I did learn some more lessons along the way that I need to figure out and deal with, but hey, all in all it was a great birthday.
I don't need expensive gifts or lavish vacations. I don't need big parties with balloons and lots of people. I need the joy in my heart of knowing that all is well and my girls are okay.
So anyway, I tell you all this because that was just a small part of the chaos. There was chaos that led up this incident and while I sat in the animal ER, my brain went through so many emotions and thoughts that I had to hold back tears. I wanted to cry out of anger, not at the dog or the fact that he got hit and we were spending the night at the vet. I was angry at so many things. I was angry that I had a cake at home I couldn't eat. I was anger the day did not go the way I wanted it to go. I was angry that my coworker called me last minute to tell me she didn't want to switch shifts. I was angry that I spent the night at work and not at home. I was angry at a certain person for the way he handled the dog situation. I was angry that I can't handle chaos. Then I tried to figure out how to eliminate the chaos in my life. I thought of moving across country, or at least a different state. I thought of yelling and screaming. I thought of anything I could do to make it all go away. I was tired and upset that my birthday was a fail.
But was it? Let's look at it from a different perspective. I woke up yesterday with 3 beautiful girls that I am so blessed having. I took them to school and came home and was grateful that I could spend another couple of hours in bed. Getting more sleep is a luxury. I received many facebook "happy birthdays" and texts and phone calls of people that love and care about me just to say Happy Birthday. The day before a friend took me to breakfast. The day before that I was blessed with groceries to feed my girls. Kirsten was blessed with the funds to get her outfit for her first performance on Friday night. My girls got to spend an afternoon at a friend's house carving pumpkins and making caramel apples. And last night I was blessed with a beautiful cake. Oh and I got a Peppermint Mocha!
Because of the love languages, I learned that I am a gift giver. So when it comes to birthdays, celebrations, or even just because I love to give and receive gifts. The days leading up to my birthday I tried so hard not to be sad knowing I wouldn't get any gifts. Knowing that I couldn't go spend the day at the beach, which is what I really wanted. But when I stop to think about these last few weeks, I got everything I wanted and more. I wanted to be able to feed my girls. I wanted to be able feel loved. I wanted to have a cake, a red velvet one. And I wanted to feel joy. I have been blessed beyond measure this year and wouldn't have wanted it any other way. I did learn some more lessons along the way that I need to figure out and deal with, but hey, all in all it was a great birthday.
I don't need expensive gifts or lavish vacations. I don't need big parties with balloons and lots of people. I need the joy in my heart of knowing that all is well and my girls are okay.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Money-"The Root of All Evil" The Necessary Evil or is it?
I have been meaning to write this blog for a few days now but haven't been able to sit in front of my computer long enough because my girls have been out of school. It's been really nice to hang out with the in the mornings before for work. Sometimes I wish they didn't have to go to school!
Anyway, keeping perspective about money, yes money, I said it, is very important. It is so easy to get angry, depressed, frustrated, sad, and a hundred other emotions when it comes to money. Ever hear the famous saying "Money is the root of all evil?" I don't believe it is the root of ALL evil but it can be extremely depressing. We all need it to survive. We need money to pay our mortgage or rent, to be able to use water, and to buy food. The problems generally come in when there isn't enough or even when there is too much. It's all how we utilize what we have.
Recently I have struggled with not having enough. A while back I didn't have a job for about a month and haven't been able to catch up since. I have slowly been getting more and more behind. The past month my checking account has been in the negative almost constantly and that's just me trying to provide food for my girls and pay the basic bills. I got to the point of only buying ramen noodles to try to get out of the hole. I am excited to share that this last week my checking account did not go into the negative. This week I had to make a different choice. In order to stay out of the hole I could not go grocery shopping at all. That means no milk, no fruit, not ramen noodles. We were going to have to eat rice for the next two weeks. I have not shared with anyone the seriousness of my situation because I feel it's not polite or even anyone else's business. I have just kept going. All the while trying to stay positive and not let all my emotions control me. The worst one is the feeling of failure. Working so hard everyday to provide for my girls each day yet still not being able to. I should be able to do better, I should be able to provide for my girls, I should be able feed them a healthy diet...etc. I often wonder what is wrong with me because I can't give my girls everything I want to be able to.
During these last couple of months I have contemplated moving to a not so safe neighborhood in order to lower my rent, moving back home, moving anywhere actually that would be cheaper for me. I have also tried to figure out if I could get a second job. But the thing that has kept me most sane is trying to keep a positive perspective and changing my perspective. We have all been told growing up to eat our dinner because there are starving children in Africa and we have all rolled our eyes at the thought out of ignorance. After all we are not in Africa, we are here and have things available to us and believe me I have struggled and struggled with this thought. I do not live in a third-world country, I live in the US where things are possible. I have a job and a place to live. I should be able to be doing better. Yet the third world countries still exist out there. I don't even have to go that extreme to know that right here in my own neighborhood people are struggling like I am. I know that some don't even have a job. And there are some that can't feed their children everyday even a bowl of rice. There's the perspective change. It could be worse. Whether it's in Africa or in my own backyard, things could be worse and I am blessed to have rice.
The other change in perspective that I have been wrestling with is with my eating disorder. It seems selfish to not want certain foods or to hate it so much that I choose not to eat it. I don't know why but I have been eating my ramen noodles with gratitude and I have been eating them. As a mother I have been saving all the "good" stuff for my girls and sacrificing as any mother would do, but as a person with an eating disorder this causes great conflict. I am still working through these thoughts and emotions but I know that there is a whole new perspective arising. I don't know what to do with all of it but if I keep moving forward with this perspective, I hope things will get better.
As you can see a lot has been going on in my head. I am not sure which drives me more crazy, the ramen noodles or the thoughts but either way talking myself into a new perspective sometimes every second of everyday helps me get through this time. On a side note, I have been blessed tremendously through this. As a said before I have not told anyone about the seriousness of my situation and out of the blue a friend is blessing me with groceries this week. Wow! How did she know that we were going to be eating rice all week? How did she know that this pay day I chose to not put my checking account in the hole, yet again to buy groceries? I even sat and talked to me girls about how we couldn't go to the store this week so we were going to have to make due with what we have, which is rice, crackers, and craisins
I am in awe at God's perfect timing but I know it's there. I also know it's up to me keep my head up and perspective going in the right direction. I have to do my part and grow and keep becoming a new person. I have learned so many lessons through this and know that there are probably several more to come as I continue on this unknown adventure. I don't know if I am supposed to move and I don't know what next week holds for me. I do know that this week I will be able to feed my girls more than just rice. I also know that my perspective has changed about money, the necessary evil!
Anyway, keeping perspective about money, yes money, I said it, is very important. It is so easy to get angry, depressed, frustrated, sad, and a hundred other emotions when it comes to money. Ever hear the famous saying "Money is the root of all evil?" I don't believe it is the root of ALL evil but it can be extremely depressing. We all need it to survive. We need money to pay our mortgage or rent, to be able to use water, and to buy food. The problems generally come in when there isn't enough or even when there is too much. It's all how we utilize what we have.
Recently I have struggled with not having enough. A while back I didn't have a job for about a month and haven't been able to catch up since. I have slowly been getting more and more behind. The past month my checking account has been in the negative almost constantly and that's just me trying to provide food for my girls and pay the basic bills. I got to the point of only buying ramen noodles to try to get out of the hole. I am excited to share that this last week my checking account did not go into the negative. This week I had to make a different choice. In order to stay out of the hole I could not go grocery shopping at all. That means no milk, no fruit, not ramen noodles. We were going to have to eat rice for the next two weeks. I have not shared with anyone the seriousness of my situation because I feel it's not polite or even anyone else's business. I have just kept going. All the while trying to stay positive and not let all my emotions control me. The worst one is the feeling of failure. Working so hard everyday to provide for my girls each day yet still not being able to. I should be able to do better, I should be able to provide for my girls, I should be able feed them a healthy diet...etc. I often wonder what is wrong with me because I can't give my girls everything I want to be able to.
During these last couple of months I have contemplated moving to a not so safe neighborhood in order to lower my rent, moving back home, moving anywhere actually that would be cheaper for me. I have also tried to figure out if I could get a second job. But the thing that has kept me most sane is trying to keep a positive perspective and changing my perspective. We have all been told growing up to eat our dinner because there are starving children in Africa and we have all rolled our eyes at the thought out of ignorance. After all we are not in Africa, we are here and have things available to us and believe me I have struggled and struggled with this thought. I do not live in a third-world country, I live in the US where things are possible. I have a job and a place to live. I should be able to be doing better. Yet the third world countries still exist out there. I don't even have to go that extreme to know that right here in my own neighborhood people are struggling like I am. I know that some don't even have a job. And there are some that can't feed their children everyday even a bowl of rice. There's the perspective change. It could be worse. Whether it's in Africa or in my own backyard, things could be worse and I am blessed to have rice.
The other change in perspective that I have been wrestling with is with my eating disorder. It seems selfish to not want certain foods or to hate it so much that I choose not to eat it. I don't know why but I have been eating my ramen noodles with gratitude and I have been eating them. As a mother I have been saving all the "good" stuff for my girls and sacrificing as any mother would do, but as a person with an eating disorder this causes great conflict. I am still working through these thoughts and emotions but I know that there is a whole new perspective arising. I don't know what to do with all of it but if I keep moving forward with this perspective, I hope things will get better.
As you can see a lot has been going on in my head. I am not sure which drives me more crazy, the ramen noodles or the thoughts but either way talking myself into a new perspective sometimes every second of everyday helps me get through this time. On a side note, I have been blessed tremendously through this. As a said before I have not told anyone about the seriousness of my situation and out of the blue a friend is blessing me with groceries this week. Wow! How did she know that we were going to be eating rice all week? How did she know that this pay day I chose to not put my checking account in the hole, yet again to buy groceries? I even sat and talked to me girls about how we couldn't go to the store this week so we were going to have to make due with what we have, which is rice, crackers, and craisins
I am in awe at God's perfect timing but I know it's there. I also know it's up to me keep my head up and perspective going in the right direction. I have to do my part and grow and keep becoming a new person. I have learned so many lessons through this and know that there are probably several more to come as I continue on this unknown adventure. I don't know if I am supposed to move and I don't know what next week holds for me. I do know that this week I will be able to feed my girls more than just rice. I also know that my perspective has changed about money, the necessary evil!
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Stop and Smell the Roses
Last night one of my daughter's started to get upset over something that she didn't need to be upset over. I looked at her and said it was okay and that she doesn't need to be so serious all the time. Her response caught me by surprise. She said, "but Mom, I am a serious person." Okay. Now what. This I do know about her but for her to say this to me threw me off guard. Thinking quickly on my feet I tell her that I know but there are things in life that aren't a big deal. I was deeply saddened by what she said next. She said that has to be serious all the time because when she isn't, her stomach hurts and her anxiety goes up. Uh oh! Boy did I see myself in her. She is struggling with the same thing I have been for years and years and that is letting her guard down. She has plenty of reason to feel the way she does, as do I but what this did was get me to think from a different perspective.
I should take my own advice. Life isn't so serious. There should be fun, laughing, smiles, games, and joy. There are things worth fighting for and there are things that aren't a big deal and not worth my time. For example, is it really a big deal if my kids "forget" to make their beds? In the grand scheme of things probably not. Is it a big deal if my daughter breaks out in song, loudly, in the store simply because it came on the radio? No. Why would I shut her up or tell her to behave appropriately in a store? She is just having fun. She is enjoying the song and putting a smile on her face. Is it a big deal to stop for a minute and look at the really cool cloud that my daughter is pointing out and noticing? No. I can stop for a minute, look up, and enjoy this precious moment with my child. Now these are simpler things in life but important. Stop, take a deep breath, and enjoy.
Things that are on a much bigger scale, like food, is much more difficult. "Normal" people may enjoy a cup of hot chocolate or a handful of M&M's because they can. I, on the other hand, have to have this deep, long, serious conversation with myself before I even attempt or go near certain foods. After this conversation, which can last hours, if I finally do make a cup of hot chocolate, I definitely don't enjoy it. What is so wrong with enjoying food? Why do I take it so seriously? I may not know the answer to these questions but I do know that taking things to seriously takes all the fun out of life, whether it's food or simply looking at the sky. Wow, what a simple statement can do to contemplate a new perspective. Stopping to smell the roses can apply to more than just the flowers.
I should take my own advice. Life isn't so serious. There should be fun, laughing, smiles, games, and joy. There are things worth fighting for and there are things that aren't a big deal and not worth my time. For example, is it really a big deal if my kids "forget" to make their beds? In the grand scheme of things probably not. Is it a big deal if my daughter breaks out in song, loudly, in the store simply because it came on the radio? No. Why would I shut her up or tell her to behave appropriately in a store? She is just having fun. She is enjoying the song and putting a smile on her face. Is it a big deal to stop for a minute and look at the really cool cloud that my daughter is pointing out and noticing? No. I can stop for a minute, look up, and enjoy this precious moment with my child. Now these are simpler things in life but important. Stop, take a deep breath, and enjoy.
Things that are on a much bigger scale, like food, is much more difficult. "Normal" people may enjoy a cup of hot chocolate or a handful of M&M's because they can. I, on the other hand, have to have this deep, long, serious conversation with myself before I even attempt or go near certain foods. After this conversation, which can last hours, if I finally do make a cup of hot chocolate, I definitely don't enjoy it. What is so wrong with enjoying food? Why do I take it so seriously? I may not know the answer to these questions but I do know that taking things to seriously takes all the fun out of life, whether it's food or simply looking at the sky. Wow, what a simple statement can do to contemplate a new perspective. Stopping to smell the roses can apply to more than just the flowers.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Spirituality
If spirituality isn't one the most things about perspective I don't know what is. Recently this topic has come up in several conversations as well as was the last discussion that was held in my Eating Disorder Group. Many people have many definitions and beliefs for what being spiritual is means. As for me I am now more confused than ever, but not at the same time. Let me start from the beginning.
A few weeks ago in group the topic of spirituality came up. I stayed quiet because I didn't want any part of the conversation. After all my belief about myself is that I am going to Hell despite my head knowledge. The problem with my head knowledge is that it is just that, in my head. For some reason I have struggled and struggled to transfer any of it to my heart. I question myself daily about why this is and not just about spirituality but about everything in my life. So you can see why I didn't want to talk about it. I semi-heard what the other girls were talking about and how strongly they felt about their positions. How strongly they tried to convince me, the quiet one that they were right. Since then I have had much inner turmoil about the subject. I have always had my questions about church, religion, and beliefs but this time it was different. This time the therapist running the group said something that stuck with me. She said that when she is talking about spirituality she isn't talking about religion. What? Isn't that the same thing? Whoa! Hold the phone! What is she talking about?
Here's what I discovered thus far.
Religion, spirituality, church, and beliefs are about your own personal perspective. It's how you see things and what works for your life. Spirituality isn't about fitting into a mold of a religion or a type in a church. I have never been one to fit into a mold. I have always felt different than who I was supposed to be. I knew pretty young that the religion I grew up in wasn't for me. It was totally about conforming and being who others told you to be. I didn't want that. I couldn't fit in. I couldn't change who I was. But I did. I tried and pretended to make others' happy. But my heart just wasn't in it and when someone said something so impactful for the last time, I left and never went back. I didn't go to a church for a long time out of fear of the same thing. I knew it wasn't for me. Eventually I did go to a completely different church and learned partially to undo some of the messed up thinking I learned earlier. While it was a positive experience for the most part, not conforming to what they thought was "religious" or "good enough" has caused my to think yet again about religion. I am not saying that I do not believe in the Creator, I am just saying that attending a church or being part of a religion is about your own personal perspective.
My perspective however is that I like the idea that spirituality is not a religion and I do not have to fit into a mold. I am going on a spiritual quest to discover exactly how I feel and what I think. I want to know for me who I am in this area once and for all. I want to know what works for me and I know that trying to be a part of a clique or mold or society is not me. I want to be me!
A few weeks ago in group the topic of spirituality came up. I stayed quiet because I didn't want any part of the conversation. After all my belief about myself is that I am going to Hell despite my head knowledge. The problem with my head knowledge is that it is just that, in my head. For some reason I have struggled and struggled to transfer any of it to my heart. I question myself daily about why this is and not just about spirituality but about everything in my life. So you can see why I didn't want to talk about it. I semi-heard what the other girls were talking about and how strongly they felt about their positions. How strongly they tried to convince me, the quiet one that they were right. Since then I have had much inner turmoil about the subject. I have always had my questions about church, religion, and beliefs but this time it was different. This time the therapist running the group said something that stuck with me. She said that when she is talking about spirituality she isn't talking about religion. What? Isn't that the same thing? Whoa! Hold the phone! What is she talking about?
Here's what I discovered thus far.
Religion, spirituality, church, and beliefs are about your own personal perspective. It's how you see things and what works for your life. Spirituality isn't about fitting into a mold of a religion or a type in a church. I have never been one to fit into a mold. I have always felt different than who I was supposed to be. I knew pretty young that the religion I grew up in wasn't for me. It was totally about conforming and being who others told you to be. I didn't want that. I couldn't fit in. I couldn't change who I was. But I did. I tried and pretended to make others' happy. But my heart just wasn't in it and when someone said something so impactful for the last time, I left and never went back. I didn't go to a church for a long time out of fear of the same thing. I knew it wasn't for me. Eventually I did go to a completely different church and learned partially to undo some of the messed up thinking I learned earlier. While it was a positive experience for the most part, not conforming to what they thought was "religious" or "good enough" has caused my to think yet again about religion. I am not saying that I do not believe in the Creator, I am just saying that attending a church or being part of a religion is about your own personal perspective.
My perspective however is that I like the idea that spirituality is not a religion and I do not have to fit into a mold. I am going on a spiritual quest to discover exactly how I feel and what I think. I want to know for me who I am in this area once and for all. I want to know what works for me and I know that trying to be a part of a clique or mold or society is not me. I want to be me!
Sunday, October 23, 2011
A New Beginning
Hello fellow bloggers and readers. I have started this new more positive blog about a new beginning. I seem to have a lot of those but I have come to realize a couple of things. First that I have to start over many times in my life and second and most importantly, it's okay to start over and begin new chapters in my life. You see, I get to write my own chapters and do not have to abide by the lessons, experiences, and history of my past. No, I don't have my life figured out even partially but that's okay. It's all about perspective.
Perspective is something that I have been thinking about lately. A new perspective grounds me. It brings me back to reality when my past haunts me. Simple things like something someone said on the radio or watching a TV program can remind me of keeping things in perspective. Sometimes it takes my therapist to point something out and sometimes I see things on my own. My hope is that someday I can see things without major intervention but I am so very grateful for the people and things in my life that provide a new perspective on life and/or situations.
I plan on seeing something new everyday and sharing it with you not because I want the World to believe what I believe to provide a glimmer of hope and dedication for a better life. A life that we can write ourselves. A life of letting go of past hurts and mistakes. Life doesn't have to seem like I am climbing an uphill mountain that continues to get higher and higher. Yes I often think that and get very depressed at the thought and want to give up. Life is what I make of it and I choose to learn and grow each day and fight the battles.
Perspective is something that I have been thinking about lately. A new perspective grounds me. It brings me back to reality when my past haunts me. Simple things like something someone said on the radio or watching a TV program can remind me of keeping things in perspective. Sometimes it takes my therapist to point something out and sometimes I see things on my own. My hope is that someday I can see things without major intervention but I am so very grateful for the people and things in my life that provide a new perspective on life and/or situations.
I plan on seeing something new everyday and sharing it with you not because I want the World to believe what I believe to provide a glimmer of hope and dedication for a better life. A life that we can write ourselves. A life of letting go of past hurts and mistakes. Life doesn't have to seem like I am climbing an uphill mountain that continues to get higher and higher. Yes I often think that and get very depressed at the thought and want to give up. Life is what I make of it and I choose to learn and grow each day and fight the battles.
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