"It's Time"

Probably over thinking this whole New Year's Resolution thing since I don't really make resolutions, but motto's for the year, I think I have come up with one. 

"It's Time!!!!"

And yes, this is thanks to a few conversations with a few different people. This encompasses quite a few things. One of which is overcoming guilt. I need to quit feeling so guilty over everything! For example, just today I spent the morning at the doctor's office because of some strange new allergic reaction I have been having. Between the time and money that I spent on myself, I feel guilty. Guilty taking care of me and guilty spending money on myself. Things I don't deserve, even if it is for my health. It's not true though. I do deserve to be healthy and to take care of myself. It's time to really take care of my body, mind, and soul. Not because it's for my girls, or friends, or co-workers, but for me; because I deserve it!

It's amazing to me the amount of guilt I feel everyday. It's so heavy and I just don't want it anymore. I want to be able to do things that keep me healthy and even alive (need to carry an Epi-Pen with me now). I want to be active and healthy and around for my girls when they are older. I want them to know that it's okay to take care of themselves too. They can only learn by example. 

While my girls have been and will continue to be a huge motivation for me, 'it's time' for me to do for me because of me. 

Not Anymore...

Guilt! That dreadful feeling when you have not done something to the standards of another person. That is not the dictionary meaning, but my meaning. It's what it means to me.

Living with guilt most of my life has caused me to retreat, hide, internalize, self-hate, have low self-esteem, and not good enough. Guilt has become such a normal and unnoticeable emotion for me. Since the beginning of my recovery, it has been on the table. I have been told more times than I count that I need to stop feeling so guilty, especially over things I can't control. So a huge part of my journey is learning to separate guilt from reality.

I don't think that I completely know what that means yet, but I do know that I have been standing up for myself more lately. It is times when situations happen that I am forced to either retreat or stand up for myself that I can now recognize more what guilt is and how it has played into who I am.

Not anymore! I don't want to live with this feeling of guilt hanging over my head all the time. I no longer want to ignore my own feelings and emotions because it doesn't fit into someone else's plan. I have feelings. I have emotions and I will not let anyone tell me otherwise. I am not going to apologize for having feelings.

The process of becoming who I am and who I want to be is hard, but I can now understand more and more of what that means.

"Concrete Angel"

As promised...finally a blog about a beautiful song!
Listen to the song as you read

http://youtu.be/KtNYA4pAGjI


She walks to school with the lunch she packed
Nobody knows what she's holding back
Wearing the same dress she wore yesterday
She hides the bruises with the linen and lace, oh

The teacher wonders but she doesn't ask
It's hard to see the pain behind the mask
Bearing the burden of a secret storm
Sometimes she wishes she was never born

Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place
Where she's loved concrete angel

Somebody cries in the middle of the night
The neighbors hear but they turn out the light
A fragile soul caught in the hands of fate
When morning comes it will be too late

Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place
Where she's loved concrete angel

A statue stands in a shaded place
An angel girl with an upturned face
A name is written on a polished rock
A broken heart that the world forgot

Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place
Where she's loved concrete angel


This song is so powerful and I wish that more people took action not only of the physical abuse, but also the verbal and emotional abuse they suspect. Through this whole song, this little girls is ignored, the bruises are ignored, the clothes are ignored. It's very heart breaking and sadly it happens every day to so many children, including mine (past experiences). People need to speak up!

Okay, off my soap box and onto the blog.

Sadly, I can relate to this video, the words sung, and the a million and one emotions. While I was fortunate enough to not suffer the fate she did, I carry emotional scars that I have trouble every day managing. I hid my sufferings, smiled, and pretended like nothing was wrong. I learned how to do that very young as I believe many abused children and even adults learn how to do.

Most of my personal experience has been verbal and emotional abuse with some physical as well. There were times I remember trying to reach out for help, but never really knew what to say or how to say it. The closest I ever came, I was shot down so I really never tried again. I learned how to not cry, take it, and smile. After thinking I had no hope for anything, I left home and went into a situation not much different. I thought it was because it didn't look the same, but still same results. I died more and more inside. I didn't suffer physical death like the poor little girl, but I did die inside.

I know what it's like to feel so black and empty through and through. Trying everything I could think of to diminish any feeling that came up, I developed my eating disorder, ocd, self-harm, and so many other things I could do to cover up the extreme self-hatred. You see, I blamed myself. Everything was my fault. I wasn't good enough, smart enough, quiet enough, perfect enough, pretty enough, thin enough, etc. If I was smarter, prettier, a better housekeeper...maybe then I would be loved, maybe then they would be nice, maybe then they would talk to me, look at me.

I still have nightmares. It's very hard to forget and to believe I am worth anything different. Especially after marrying into a similar situation. When it became different for is when I saw my girls going through hell. They became old enough to express how they feel, and I am so grateful she did. She wasn't afraid to tell me things. Of course it was in little bits here and there, and I regret that I didn't catch on earlier. It was after I started trying to fix the situation, things became worse for me and for my girls.

The harder I tried, the more I died inside. I felt things were only getting worse and all I could do was smile, cover up anything, and walk through each day. I tried for my girls, but when their bruises were seen and nothing was done, I was completely devastated and gave up. Nothing was going to change and I wasn't worth anything different.

I have an angel, just like that little girl did, only mine did not take me to other side...she is someone that did fight for me and speak up and did whatever she needed to. Because of her, I am not dead and my girls and I are in a better situation. Yes, I struggle everyday raising them and figuring out how to be not only an adult, but a parent to children that suffered what they have. It's very difficult to say the least. I fight every day to put one foot in front of the other and to keep myself safe. I also screw up. I make mistakes everyday and fall back down, but my angel is still with me. She never ran away and continues to support me no matter what I do.

No matter who you are, what you have done and experienced, EVERYONE needs an angel. Everyone deserves a chance to learn that they aren't a waste of space, or not good enough, or anything negative. While I struggle everyday still, I still continue to fight with my angel and have hope that someday it won't be everyday. Someday it will just be a story that can encourage others and most importantly, I hope to be someone else's angel.

Miracles?

I have always believed in miracles, I have seen them all around me, but I have never thought I was worth any of them.

The most recent devastating news in my household was that I was losing my apartment. My girls were going to go stay with their dad and I had no idea where I was going. I really thought I was going to live in my car. My heart was completely broken and I cried so much and so hard I literally have been dehydrated. On top of that, I spent the other day sick with a stomach bug so of course it added to my degrading health. This is a kind of stress I have not experienced before. The thought of being so incapable and inadequate as a parent, as a person, is beyond devastating. There just aren't words to express the emotions and feelings I experience.

Starting with the good news, yes, a miracle has been blessed upon me and my girls and I will be able to stay in my apartment. Again, no words for the feelings and emotions that go with the relief I have for my girls.

Still a struggle. My emotions and feelings are still all over the place and even though I have a place to live, I can't shake the feeling of complete inadequacy. I still do not feel worthy of any help or miracles and I do not feel like I know how to be a grown up, a single mom, or anything that requires me to function as head of household. I shouldn't need help. I should be able to do this on my own.

Backing up a bit, I knew this was coming a few weeks ago or so. There was not enough money to cover rent in January so I spent these last few weeks doing everything I knew to try to get enough. I put up my furniture on Craigslist, had garage sales, and tried to sell anything and everything, including my bed. Anything to give my girls the stability they need and deserve. The closer January came, the more sad I got. I finally had to do something because I knew I didn't have enough. I had a "moving sale" and finally told the girls what would be happening. It was there reaction that hurt me the most.

They cried and cried. After crying a couple of days, they talked to me about how they felt. My oldest said that I could sell all her Christmas gifts before she went and lived with her dad. She shared a lot more and due the the personal nature of it all, I won't share on here but I cried some more. I have failed her and my other daughters. I couldn't protect them. No matter how hard I tried and worked to be a good person and help them get through their issues, I failed them. The worst feeling as a mother I couldn't experience.

On Christmas, we were blessed by others with really nice gifts, even I was spoiled. I had a hard time enjoying them because I knew what lied ahead. In the back of my head, I told myself that I may be living in my car but I would always have coffee with my new Kuerig. When my children were willing to sell their items to help, I was crushed and blessed at the same time. (fortunately, it did not come to that and they still have their gifts)

Yes, all of this has caused more than a relapse, if that's possible. All of my self hatred is generally the cause of relapse and when it gets so deep and in my face, I give in. I give in to the old habits. I know that I need to pick myself up and move forward. This has been one of the hardest things I have had to deal with and I hope that with all the love and support from my friends and support people, I can do this. I can move on from what has been a really almost torturous end of 2012.