I feel extremely defeated!!!!!!
Yes, to the point of crying and those that know me know that I do NOT cry!!!! I let myself for a minute, then gathered myself while saying that I am better than that. Do not cry!
Why do I feel this way? Well, I am guessing it is a compilation of several things that I just keep covering up with something else. Some because of circumstances out of my control and some because of my own choices.
Tonight I got so angry with my children for things that aren't completely their fault. I didn't yell or act out on them, just told them that I was upset and was going to lock myself in my room. Even though my anger was directed towards them, I have not and do not want to take it out them. But this is the first time I have actually walked away and chose to lock myself in my room. That's when the crying started and stopped just as quickly.
I feel like a complete failure as a parent. I have one child that seems to think I will "save" her from all her mistakes, accidents, or whatever else she needs and another that completely does not like me or even want to be around her family. Both my fault in how I have parented thus far. My anger came about when I had to get money for one that got theirs stolen and went to pick up the other one and was not where she said would be so I had to wait for her. My anger just kept boiling over and hit the peak when I got home and the one that needed the money walked in on me while I was in the bathroom to get it. So on a normal day, all this would be cause for consequences and teaching lessons. But not today.
Today plus the last little bit...here's the background...
As most know I barely make it financially and try my best to keep up with what my girls need and try really hard to once in a while let them have something they want. This is the first time since I have been on my own that I felt completely hopeless when it comes to money. My girls know that I struggle to provide for them and things are tough but they also see that I come through and they have their needs met. I can not buy things they need right now. Not even food. We are down to the last few packages of ramen and have a few cans of carrots and some oatmeal. There is no time in the near future that I can get them more food. My poor child is so constipated and sick from eating so much ramen, ugh! So between my own guilt as a parent being able to not provide, my daughter getting money stolen from her fundraiser box, I just got angry at her for not being more responsible.
As I also said earlier, one of them dislikes me. She is going through that stage where everyone hates her, nothing is fair, she feels she doesn't belong, etc. etc. etc. For a normal family, this is typical of a child her age going through so many changes and trying to figure out who they are and all that fun stuff. Well for me, I feel so inadequate as a parent as it is that when she says things like, "I don't want to be around my family," and "I can't trust any of you," I get over emotional. I want to fix it, fix her, but I can't. She has to go through her own emotions and learn from them just like everybody else.
I am slowly falling apart. I can't keep up anymore. I am tired and hungry. Oh yeah, my eating disorder loves that I have no food to eat. Add in that I have been sick for a couple weeks and I am one big hot mess!!!
Perspective? Yes, that's what I need to try to change. The outlook for tomorrow and next week look pretty dark and there isn't much I can do to change that. What I can do is be grateful tonight that I have a roof over my head, hot water, a bed, and was able to make dinner for girls. Tonight they ate, tonight they will sleep in a warm bed, tonight they will be able to shower with hot water, and tonight I will be able to tuck them in and tell them I love them.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Friday, October 5, 2012
Sick and Frustrated
I have thought long and hard about what to write about on here and every time I sit down to write, I delete. I used to be able to write everyday with no problem as words fly around my head at an overwhelming rate. I think I have been feeling very unsure of what I am going through and that it is no where near worthy of sharing compared to what others go through. So I wait for a big horrible event to share thinking that maybe someone else can relate and/or understand and not feel alone. Truth is I have been feeling very alone lately and continue to isolate more and more. So I have to just write. I have to begin to come out of the turtle shell I keep safely over my head, my life.
I have been dealing with body image big time. My body has not done what I want it to do or what even what others expected it to do during my recovery. My own thoughts on this has been things like, 'see, I don't need to eat', 'i was right all along', 'you people don't know what you are talking about', and but limited to, 'I knew there was always something wrong with me.' The things that I think while it is quiet and I am alone are things like, 'I am so stupid', 'I can't trust anyone', 'I am such a fat bitch', 'I hate myself so much so why try' and more. Yes, my mind tells me terrible things. Things I would never say to another person. Sometimes all that is so loud I have to act out. I have to make them be quiet or I give in to them and argue or agree until I am soooo tired I pass out. It's hard and exhausting.
The plus would be that all this plus my recovery knowledge has finally led me to take things a step further and ask my doctor what is going on. I found out somethings that are both hard to hear and relieving at the same time. Part of me feels like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders knowing that my body can't tolerate certain foods. Part of me is angry that I didn't ask questions sooner. The other part of me is even angrier that I let myself get this far into recovery without being more persistent and not eat because of my body. Confusing I know.
Today I sit here even more angry with myself. You see once I decided I was going to do what it takes to get myself healthy, I get sick. I have been sick with this cold/flu for 5 days now. In the past I would have laid in bed when I could and not eaten because I don't feel like eating when I am sick. This time I want to get better as quick as I can so I can get back to my routine so I drink orange juice, The dreaded, ever-forbidden orange juice. This threw me off all week. The next day, after reading the oj label, I stayed away but continually felt the guilt of that first glass. I try tea, water, and soup but could not shake the guilt of not sticking to what my body tolerates and needs. I am ashamed to admit that the guilt led me to throw my hands up and not care. So I drank more orange juice, more sugary drinks, and foods that my body does not like.
I feel miserable. Still very sick, coughing, fever, sneezing, no voice, and didn't go to work today. More guilt. When it comes down to it, I struggle with loving myself and my body enough to take care of it properly. I tell myself to be patient but all that does is give me room to mess up more. I am frustrated and tired. I feel like I can't do anything right. I feel that I am not lovable or worth caring about. It's hard to keep motivated.
So my new positive perspective on all of this. I am not sure. I know that logically I need to be patient with myself because I am sick. I also know that there seems to always be a reason or an excuse for me to be patient with myself. The bottom line is that I need to start making the choice to care and love myself enough to do what I need to do. To give my body what it needs.
I have been dealing with body image big time. My body has not done what I want it to do or what even what others expected it to do during my recovery. My own thoughts on this has been things like, 'see, I don't need to eat', 'i was right all along', 'you people don't know what you are talking about', and but limited to, 'I knew there was always something wrong with me.' The things that I think while it is quiet and I am alone are things like, 'I am so stupid', 'I can't trust anyone', 'I am such a fat bitch', 'I hate myself so much so why try' and more. Yes, my mind tells me terrible things. Things I would never say to another person. Sometimes all that is so loud I have to act out. I have to make them be quiet or I give in to them and argue or agree until I am soooo tired I pass out. It's hard and exhausting.
The plus would be that all this plus my recovery knowledge has finally led me to take things a step further and ask my doctor what is going on. I found out somethings that are both hard to hear and relieving at the same time. Part of me feels like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders knowing that my body can't tolerate certain foods. Part of me is angry that I didn't ask questions sooner. The other part of me is even angrier that I let myself get this far into recovery without being more persistent and not eat because of my body. Confusing I know.
Today I sit here even more angry with myself. You see once I decided I was going to do what it takes to get myself healthy, I get sick. I have been sick with this cold/flu for 5 days now. In the past I would have laid in bed when I could and not eaten because I don't feel like eating when I am sick. This time I want to get better as quick as I can so I can get back to my routine so I drink orange juice, The dreaded, ever-forbidden orange juice. This threw me off all week. The next day, after reading the oj label, I stayed away but continually felt the guilt of that first glass. I try tea, water, and soup but could not shake the guilt of not sticking to what my body tolerates and needs. I am ashamed to admit that the guilt led me to throw my hands up and not care. So I drank more orange juice, more sugary drinks, and foods that my body does not like.
I feel miserable. Still very sick, coughing, fever, sneezing, no voice, and didn't go to work today. More guilt. When it comes down to it, I struggle with loving myself and my body enough to take care of it properly. I tell myself to be patient but all that does is give me room to mess up more. I am frustrated and tired. I feel like I can't do anything right. I feel that I am not lovable or worth caring about. It's hard to keep motivated.
So my new positive perspective on all of this. I am not sure. I know that logically I need to be patient with myself because I am sick. I also know that there seems to always be a reason or an excuse for me to be patient with myself. The bottom line is that I need to start making the choice to care and love myself enough to do what I need to do. To give my body what it needs.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Growing Pains
It's been awhile since I have written a blog mostly because my depression has deepened and I had nothing to write other than I hate my life. Sad, isn't it? I just didn't feel it was necessary to write that over and over again. Everyday I would try to tell myself that everything will be okay. Everyday I would fight to just get out of bed.
Today I am grateful that I have at least a little bit of fight in me. That little bit of fight can truly save me at times.
Something I realized today...the last few years I feel like I have been living someone else's life. This is something I would never admit under normal circumstances to myself let alone to the public. But I am trying to continue to grow and learn about myself so I have to admit that bad stuff too. People constantly telling me what to do or how to live or how to parent and so and so on. Always giving advice or thinking they know what's best for me. I did listen, absorb, ponder, even get extremely confused on what I wanted or who I was. The truth is, I never knew in the first place so when other people I trusted "knew" better, I believed every word. I was very vulnerable.
This last year especially I have made crazy, stupid, bad, decisions for myself. Some that I thought were really great at the time. Some that I knew were wrong but did anyway out of desperation. Most were made out of pure confusion and uncertainty of what I really wanted or needed. All, however, were learning experiences about me. I learned more about who I want to be and what I do and not like. I know that I still have a very long way to go, but I also know and accept that life is a marathon not a sprint and I don't have to do things so quickly or the way others think I should.
Everyday I am becoming stronger and stronger in knowing who I am and what I want and need. It may be slow, it may come with mistakes, disappointment, hurt, and hurt, but that is okay with me. I don't mind going slow. I don't mind learning. And honestly, I don't really care what other people think!
Today I am grateful that I have at least a little bit of fight in me. That little bit of fight can truly save me at times.
Something I realized today...the last few years I feel like I have been living someone else's life. This is something I would never admit under normal circumstances to myself let alone to the public. But I am trying to continue to grow and learn about myself so I have to admit that bad stuff too. People constantly telling me what to do or how to live or how to parent and so and so on. Always giving advice or thinking they know what's best for me. I did listen, absorb, ponder, even get extremely confused on what I wanted or who I was. The truth is, I never knew in the first place so when other people I trusted "knew" better, I believed every word. I was very vulnerable.
This last year especially I have made crazy, stupid, bad, decisions for myself. Some that I thought were really great at the time. Some that I knew were wrong but did anyway out of desperation. Most were made out of pure confusion and uncertainty of what I really wanted or needed. All, however, were learning experiences about me. I learned more about who I want to be and what I do and not like. I know that I still have a very long way to go, but I also know and accept that life is a marathon not a sprint and I don't have to do things so quickly or the way others think I should.
Everyday I am becoming stronger and stronger in knowing who I am and what I want and need. It may be slow, it may come with mistakes, disappointment, hurt, and hurt, but that is okay with me. I don't mind going slow. I don't mind learning. And honestly, I don't really care what other people think!
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Now what?
Tonight was a little strange. I did something I haven't done in a while and I'm not sure why. It was just something I felt I had to do.
What I learned from it....not sure completely but I did get some clarity. Something so odd and so unexpected. I sit here now, tonight, in confusion. Not because of the clarity but because I am not sure where to go from here.
Now that you all are confused, closed this blog, or are intrigued, let me explain a little more.
One thing that I am clear on is that through out these last few years as I struggled, fought, and continued on this recovery path, I have done what people told me to do. I trusted people, I believed people, and I followed people. I was on auto-pilot with whom ever I was with. That may sound a little strange but I thought I was always doing the right thing. As long as I did or said what "they" told me to do, I was on the right path.
The problem I struggle with, even through the last few years, is the overwhelming sense of losing myself in all of it. I continued to do what I was told thinking that eventually things would change. That if I did things right then I would "feel" better or "be" better. But 3 years and many choices later, I still feel like I am not me. I feel like things will never change. I would always fight against this unknown and never really fit in anywhere or belong.
Tonight it became clear to me that doing things that people told me to do for my recovery didn't help me at all. While I am a different person than I was 3 years ago, I have been stuck these last few months or so and now I think I know why. I asked for help, I journalled, I sacrificed, I robotically did things. I am pretty sure that through all of what I have been through, I have not had my own thoughts, my own actions, my own choices, my own wants, my own needs, my own learning, my own recovery.
I know that all this probably doesn't make sense but I need to learn for myself what things mean to me in my life, not what other people tell me they are. I need to stand on my own two feet. I need figure out what I need to move forward in my own recovery. I need to know what works for me and not what works for everyone else.
The real question is....now what? What do I do with the flood of information and clarity?
What I learned from it....not sure completely but I did get some clarity. Something so odd and so unexpected. I sit here now, tonight, in confusion. Not because of the clarity but because I am not sure where to go from here.
Now that you all are confused, closed this blog, or are intrigued, let me explain a little more.
One thing that I am clear on is that through out these last few years as I struggled, fought, and continued on this recovery path, I have done what people told me to do. I trusted people, I believed people, and I followed people. I was on auto-pilot with whom ever I was with. That may sound a little strange but I thought I was always doing the right thing. As long as I did or said what "they" told me to do, I was on the right path.
The problem I struggle with, even through the last few years, is the overwhelming sense of losing myself in all of it. I continued to do what I was told thinking that eventually things would change. That if I did things right then I would "feel" better or "be" better. But 3 years and many choices later, I still feel like I am not me. I feel like things will never change. I would always fight against this unknown and never really fit in anywhere or belong.
Tonight it became clear to me that doing things that people told me to do for my recovery didn't help me at all. While I am a different person than I was 3 years ago, I have been stuck these last few months or so and now I think I know why. I asked for help, I journalled, I sacrificed, I robotically did things. I am pretty sure that through all of what I have been through, I have not had my own thoughts, my own actions, my own choices, my own wants, my own needs, my own learning, my own recovery.
I know that all this probably doesn't make sense but I need to learn for myself what things mean to me in my life, not what other people tell me they are. I need to stand on my own two feet. I need figure out what I need to move forward in my own recovery. I need to know what works for me and not what works for everyone else.
The real question is....now what? What do I do with the flood of information and clarity?
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Relationships part 2
I struggle this morning with so many things that I finally decided to just write. I have written, deleted, thought, erased, and repeated the process because nothing seems to really clarify anything I am actually feeling this morning. I am confused on so many things like, ED, relationships, my perspectives, my health, motherhood, being single, and so on. Yes, all this runs through my head pretty much all the time. It is very difficult to quiet my mind enough to get rest or at least a break from the thoughts. Work is good because I can focus on that, or at least until someone makes a random comment that starts the flooding again.
I am overwhelmed with so many thoughts this morning. Thoughts of who I am, who ED is, what part does he really play in my life, why am I so selfish, how come I can't be the parent I want to be, why am I so fat and ugly, why don't I have a scale in my house, and it just keeps going. If I can just step on a scale, I could know the answer to these questions. But that's not true. That's ED telling me that I am worth what the scale says. Everything I know about recovery is the opposite. I am not worth that number.
The healthy-self wants so much more out of life. But she is also very scared of what that means and looks like. It's scary to step into something new. It's scary to even admit things that have been so deeply buried for so long that I can't tell if it's me or ED. Fighting against ED is like fighting against myself constantly. I am so frustrated that I can't tell the difference. I am so frustrated that I have to my faith and trust in others to tell me the difference.
Today I am just so exhausted!
Even though I am exhausted with this process, I can still have enough of a different perspective to know that I am very thankful for so many things in my life. I see others' going through worse situations. While I have great empathy for those around me, I can't forget to take care of myself and continue this journey, this fight that I started 3 years ago.
With all my thoughts and frustrations and even confusions about relationships lately, I can't forget the one with myself. I need to work on that one so that I can have healthy relationships with others.
I am overwhelmed with so many thoughts this morning. Thoughts of who I am, who ED is, what part does he really play in my life, why am I so selfish, how come I can't be the parent I want to be, why am I so fat and ugly, why don't I have a scale in my house, and it just keeps going. If I can just step on a scale, I could know the answer to these questions. But that's not true. That's ED telling me that I am worth what the scale says. Everything I know about recovery is the opposite. I am not worth that number.
The healthy-self wants so much more out of life. But she is also very scared of what that means and looks like. It's scary to step into something new. It's scary to even admit things that have been so deeply buried for so long that I can't tell if it's me or ED. Fighting against ED is like fighting against myself constantly. I am so frustrated that I can't tell the difference. I am so frustrated that I have to my faith and trust in others to tell me the difference.
Today I am just so exhausted!
Even though I am exhausted with this process, I can still have enough of a different perspective to know that I am very thankful for so many things in my life. I see others' going through worse situations. While I have great empathy for those around me, I can't forget to take care of myself and continue this journey, this fight that I started 3 years ago.
With all my thoughts and frustrations and even confusions about relationships lately, I can't forget the one with myself. I need to work on that one so that I can have healthy relationships with others.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Relationships
Lately I have been thinking a lot about relationships. Relationships of all kinds. Friendships, acquaintances, co-workers, past, present, future, my children, and so on. Like I said, all types. I have been stewing all day, everyday, that I am driving myself crazy. What I can't figure out is why this has been such a huge factor lately and why it's an area that I have a hard time facing.
In my moments of clarity with knowing what I want and who I am, I have made decisions, hard ones, that I needed to make. Decisions that are hurtful all around. I hurt. My heart hurts. My soul hurts. But I have to do what's best for me no matter the cost, meaning possibly losing relationships. I have to be willing to let go with hopes that the better will come along.
Better. What does that even mean? How do I trust that there is better? The truth is that I can't. I can't know that there are people out there that will accept me for who I am and respect me without any conditions or judgements or expectations. I am not sure if that's "normal", but I do know that it's what I want.
I think I have just come to some conclusions about who I am and what I want. I know it's crazy. I know I am crazy. I know that this is me right now and I know what I need and what I don't need. I am trying to commit to myself. Meaning that I need to pay attention to my needs and wants and love myself enough to make it happen. Love myself to surround myself with people that aren't going to make me feel less of a person or judged or incompetent. People that will support and love me no matter what. It's a lot to ask for and maybe I am being a little selfish but it's time to stand up for me.
Granted this is still a process and I am not completely sure what I am doing, but I am trying to figure it out.
In my moments of clarity with knowing what I want and who I am, I have made decisions, hard ones, that I needed to make. Decisions that are hurtful all around. I hurt. My heart hurts. My soul hurts. But I have to do what's best for me no matter the cost, meaning possibly losing relationships. I have to be willing to let go with hopes that the better will come along.
Better. What does that even mean? How do I trust that there is better? The truth is that I can't. I can't know that there are people out there that will accept me for who I am and respect me without any conditions or judgements or expectations. I am not sure if that's "normal", but I do know that it's what I want.
I think I have just come to some conclusions about who I am and what I want. I know it's crazy. I know I am crazy. I know that this is me right now and I know what I need and what I don't need. I am trying to commit to myself. Meaning that I need to pay attention to my needs and wants and love myself enough to make it happen. Love myself to surround myself with people that aren't going to make me feel less of a person or judged or incompetent. People that will support and love me no matter what. It's a lot to ask for and maybe I am being a little selfish but it's time to stand up for me.
Granted this is still a process and I am not completely sure what I am doing, but I am trying to figure it out.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Health or Looks?
The last few weeks I have undergone blood tests and such to get answers about what is wrong with me. Fortunately, I think there are answers, which gives me some relief until I sit and really think about it. Here's why:
I'd like to say that I started this whole process because of my health and that I want to live this life of optimal health and feeling good, but I can't. I started because of my severe hatred for my body. I put it off for a couple of years out of fear. Fear of not getting answers, fear of nothing being wrong, fear of having to blame myself. I finally get fed up and started the process what would be several blood tests, girl appointments, and so on. I was fed up with how I looked, not I how felt. What I felt or feel on a daily basis is so normal to me that I don't see anything else or even any possibilities in that part being different. I wanted my body to do what I wanted it to do. I wanted anything, pills, magic, anything to fix it.
Thus far, I do have some answers. I found out that my vitamins are deficient, my hormones are out of whack, my thyroid isn't working properly and so on. It's devastating. While there is partial relief in having some answers, there is still much frustration. I am now on more vitamins, pills, and a different "diet" that I don't know what to do with myself. My body is going through all these changes all at once and I am tired. I haven't felt well in over a week and am driving myself crazy with what to eat. I just want to crawl into bed and hide away.
The good news, if it is anyway is that I get compliments at work about looking different. Not physically but my vibe. I have been told that I have a different glow about me and that its really nice to see me this way. I have had people tell me that they can't put their finger on it but that they can see a difference in me. I smile, say thanks, and move on but inside I am confused. I have no idea what they are talking about. Could all these vitamins and pills really be working and my body is getting into balance and healthy? Is it really possible for me to be healthy and feel different? What in the world is going on?
I wish I could answer this but I can't. I am so wrapped up in what the scale says who I am instead of what I really am. I want the scale to tell me that I am different. It really is sad that people with eating disorders are so wrapped up in what that stupid scale says that when people give them compliments it doesn't mean much. I have been in my recovery long enough to logically look at this and to really ponder what has been said to me, but at the end of the day, all I want is to step on a scale and see if they are right.
I'd like to say that I started this whole process because of my health and that I want to live this life of optimal health and feeling good, but I can't. I started because of my severe hatred for my body. I put it off for a couple of years out of fear. Fear of not getting answers, fear of nothing being wrong, fear of having to blame myself. I finally get fed up and started the process what would be several blood tests, girl appointments, and so on. I was fed up with how I looked, not I how felt. What I felt or feel on a daily basis is so normal to me that I don't see anything else or even any possibilities in that part being different. I wanted my body to do what I wanted it to do. I wanted anything, pills, magic, anything to fix it.
Thus far, I do have some answers. I found out that my vitamins are deficient, my hormones are out of whack, my thyroid isn't working properly and so on. It's devastating. While there is partial relief in having some answers, there is still much frustration. I am now on more vitamins, pills, and a different "diet" that I don't know what to do with myself. My body is going through all these changes all at once and I am tired. I haven't felt well in over a week and am driving myself crazy with what to eat. I just want to crawl into bed and hide away.
The good news, if it is anyway is that I get compliments at work about looking different. Not physically but my vibe. I have been told that I have a different glow about me and that its really nice to see me this way. I have had people tell me that they can't put their finger on it but that they can see a difference in me. I smile, say thanks, and move on but inside I am confused. I have no idea what they are talking about. Could all these vitamins and pills really be working and my body is getting into balance and healthy? Is it really possible for me to be healthy and feel different? What in the world is going on?
I wish I could answer this but I can't. I am so wrapped up in what the scale says who I am instead of what I really am. I want the scale to tell me that I am different. It really is sad that people with eating disorders are so wrapped up in what that stupid scale says that when people give them compliments it doesn't mean much. I have been in my recovery long enough to logically look at this and to really ponder what has been said to me, but at the end of the day, all I want is to step on a scale and see if they are right.
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