It's been awhile since I have written a blog mostly because my depression has deepened and I had nothing to write other than I hate my life. Sad, isn't it? I just didn't feel it was necessary to write that over and over again. Everyday I would try to tell myself that everything will be okay. Everyday I would fight to just get out of bed.
Today I am grateful that I have at least a little bit of fight in me. That little bit of fight can truly save me at times.
Something I realized today...the last few years I feel like I have been living someone else's life. This is something I would never admit under normal circumstances to myself let alone to the public. But I am trying to continue to grow and learn about myself so I have to admit that bad stuff too. People constantly telling me what to do or how to live or how to parent and so and so on. Always giving advice or thinking they know what's best for me. I did listen, absorb, ponder, even get extremely confused on what I wanted or who I was. The truth is, I never knew in the first place so when other people I trusted "knew" better, I believed every word. I was very vulnerable.
This last year especially I have made crazy, stupid, bad, decisions for myself. Some that I thought were really great at the time. Some that I knew were wrong but did anyway out of desperation. Most were made out of pure confusion and uncertainty of what I really wanted or needed. All, however, were learning experiences about me. I learned more about who I want to be and what I do and not like. I know that I still have a very long way to go, but I also know and accept that life is a marathon not a sprint and I don't have to do things so quickly or the way others think I should.
Everyday I am becoming stronger and stronger in knowing who I am and what I want and need. It may be slow, it may come with mistakes, disappointment, hurt, and hurt, but that is okay with me. I don't mind going slow. I don't mind learning. And honestly, I don't really care what other people think!
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Now what?
Tonight was a little strange. I did something I haven't done in a while and I'm not sure why. It was just something I felt I had to do.
What I learned from it....not sure completely but I did get some clarity. Something so odd and so unexpected. I sit here now, tonight, in confusion. Not because of the clarity but because I am not sure where to go from here.
Now that you all are confused, closed this blog, or are intrigued, let me explain a little more.
One thing that I am clear on is that through out these last few years as I struggled, fought, and continued on this recovery path, I have done what people told me to do. I trusted people, I believed people, and I followed people. I was on auto-pilot with whom ever I was with. That may sound a little strange but I thought I was always doing the right thing. As long as I did or said what "they" told me to do, I was on the right path.
The problem I struggle with, even through the last few years, is the overwhelming sense of losing myself in all of it. I continued to do what I was told thinking that eventually things would change. That if I did things right then I would "feel" better or "be" better. But 3 years and many choices later, I still feel like I am not me. I feel like things will never change. I would always fight against this unknown and never really fit in anywhere or belong.
Tonight it became clear to me that doing things that people told me to do for my recovery didn't help me at all. While I am a different person than I was 3 years ago, I have been stuck these last few months or so and now I think I know why. I asked for help, I journalled, I sacrificed, I robotically did things. I am pretty sure that through all of what I have been through, I have not had my own thoughts, my own actions, my own choices, my own wants, my own needs, my own learning, my own recovery.
I know that all this probably doesn't make sense but I need to learn for myself what things mean to me in my life, not what other people tell me they are. I need to stand on my own two feet. I need figure out what I need to move forward in my own recovery. I need to know what works for me and not what works for everyone else.
The real question is....now what? What do I do with the flood of information and clarity?
What I learned from it....not sure completely but I did get some clarity. Something so odd and so unexpected. I sit here now, tonight, in confusion. Not because of the clarity but because I am not sure where to go from here.
Now that you all are confused, closed this blog, or are intrigued, let me explain a little more.
One thing that I am clear on is that through out these last few years as I struggled, fought, and continued on this recovery path, I have done what people told me to do. I trusted people, I believed people, and I followed people. I was on auto-pilot with whom ever I was with. That may sound a little strange but I thought I was always doing the right thing. As long as I did or said what "they" told me to do, I was on the right path.
The problem I struggle with, even through the last few years, is the overwhelming sense of losing myself in all of it. I continued to do what I was told thinking that eventually things would change. That if I did things right then I would "feel" better or "be" better. But 3 years and many choices later, I still feel like I am not me. I feel like things will never change. I would always fight against this unknown and never really fit in anywhere or belong.
Tonight it became clear to me that doing things that people told me to do for my recovery didn't help me at all. While I am a different person than I was 3 years ago, I have been stuck these last few months or so and now I think I know why. I asked for help, I journalled, I sacrificed, I robotically did things. I am pretty sure that through all of what I have been through, I have not had my own thoughts, my own actions, my own choices, my own wants, my own needs, my own learning, my own recovery.
I know that all this probably doesn't make sense but I need to learn for myself what things mean to me in my life, not what other people tell me they are. I need to stand on my own two feet. I need figure out what I need to move forward in my own recovery. I need to know what works for me and not what works for everyone else.
The real question is....now what? What do I do with the flood of information and clarity?
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Relationships part 2
I struggle this morning with so many things that I finally decided to just write. I have written, deleted, thought, erased, and repeated the process because nothing seems to really clarify anything I am actually feeling this morning. I am confused on so many things like, ED, relationships, my perspectives, my health, motherhood, being single, and so on. Yes, all this runs through my head pretty much all the time. It is very difficult to quiet my mind enough to get rest or at least a break from the thoughts. Work is good because I can focus on that, or at least until someone makes a random comment that starts the flooding again.
I am overwhelmed with so many thoughts this morning. Thoughts of who I am, who ED is, what part does he really play in my life, why am I so selfish, how come I can't be the parent I want to be, why am I so fat and ugly, why don't I have a scale in my house, and it just keeps going. If I can just step on a scale, I could know the answer to these questions. But that's not true. That's ED telling me that I am worth what the scale says. Everything I know about recovery is the opposite. I am not worth that number.
The healthy-self wants so much more out of life. But she is also very scared of what that means and looks like. It's scary to step into something new. It's scary to even admit things that have been so deeply buried for so long that I can't tell if it's me or ED. Fighting against ED is like fighting against myself constantly. I am so frustrated that I can't tell the difference. I am so frustrated that I have to my faith and trust in others to tell me the difference.
Today I am just so exhausted!
Even though I am exhausted with this process, I can still have enough of a different perspective to know that I am very thankful for so many things in my life. I see others' going through worse situations. While I have great empathy for those around me, I can't forget to take care of myself and continue this journey, this fight that I started 3 years ago.
With all my thoughts and frustrations and even confusions about relationships lately, I can't forget the one with myself. I need to work on that one so that I can have healthy relationships with others.
I am overwhelmed with so many thoughts this morning. Thoughts of who I am, who ED is, what part does he really play in my life, why am I so selfish, how come I can't be the parent I want to be, why am I so fat and ugly, why don't I have a scale in my house, and it just keeps going. If I can just step on a scale, I could know the answer to these questions. But that's not true. That's ED telling me that I am worth what the scale says. Everything I know about recovery is the opposite. I am not worth that number.
The healthy-self wants so much more out of life. But she is also very scared of what that means and looks like. It's scary to step into something new. It's scary to even admit things that have been so deeply buried for so long that I can't tell if it's me or ED. Fighting against ED is like fighting against myself constantly. I am so frustrated that I can't tell the difference. I am so frustrated that I have to my faith and trust in others to tell me the difference.
Today I am just so exhausted!
Even though I am exhausted with this process, I can still have enough of a different perspective to know that I am very thankful for so many things in my life. I see others' going through worse situations. While I have great empathy for those around me, I can't forget to take care of myself and continue this journey, this fight that I started 3 years ago.
With all my thoughts and frustrations and even confusions about relationships lately, I can't forget the one with myself. I need to work on that one so that I can have healthy relationships with others.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Relationships
Lately I have been thinking a lot about relationships. Relationships of all kinds. Friendships, acquaintances, co-workers, past, present, future, my children, and so on. Like I said, all types. I have been stewing all day, everyday, that I am driving myself crazy. What I can't figure out is why this has been such a huge factor lately and why it's an area that I have a hard time facing.
In my moments of clarity with knowing what I want and who I am, I have made decisions, hard ones, that I needed to make. Decisions that are hurtful all around. I hurt. My heart hurts. My soul hurts. But I have to do what's best for me no matter the cost, meaning possibly losing relationships. I have to be willing to let go with hopes that the better will come along.
Better. What does that even mean? How do I trust that there is better? The truth is that I can't. I can't know that there are people out there that will accept me for who I am and respect me without any conditions or judgements or expectations. I am not sure if that's "normal", but I do know that it's what I want.
I think I have just come to some conclusions about who I am and what I want. I know it's crazy. I know I am crazy. I know that this is me right now and I know what I need and what I don't need. I am trying to commit to myself. Meaning that I need to pay attention to my needs and wants and love myself enough to make it happen. Love myself to surround myself with people that aren't going to make me feel less of a person or judged or incompetent. People that will support and love me no matter what. It's a lot to ask for and maybe I am being a little selfish but it's time to stand up for me.
Granted this is still a process and I am not completely sure what I am doing, but I am trying to figure it out.
In my moments of clarity with knowing what I want and who I am, I have made decisions, hard ones, that I needed to make. Decisions that are hurtful all around. I hurt. My heart hurts. My soul hurts. But I have to do what's best for me no matter the cost, meaning possibly losing relationships. I have to be willing to let go with hopes that the better will come along.
Better. What does that even mean? How do I trust that there is better? The truth is that I can't. I can't know that there are people out there that will accept me for who I am and respect me without any conditions or judgements or expectations. I am not sure if that's "normal", but I do know that it's what I want.
I think I have just come to some conclusions about who I am and what I want. I know it's crazy. I know I am crazy. I know that this is me right now and I know what I need and what I don't need. I am trying to commit to myself. Meaning that I need to pay attention to my needs and wants and love myself enough to make it happen. Love myself to surround myself with people that aren't going to make me feel less of a person or judged or incompetent. People that will support and love me no matter what. It's a lot to ask for and maybe I am being a little selfish but it's time to stand up for me.
Granted this is still a process and I am not completely sure what I am doing, but I am trying to figure it out.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Health or Looks?
The last few weeks I have undergone blood tests and such to get answers about what is wrong with me. Fortunately, I think there are answers, which gives me some relief until I sit and really think about it. Here's why:
I'd like to say that I started this whole process because of my health and that I want to live this life of optimal health and feeling good, but I can't. I started because of my severe hatred for my body. I put it off for a couple of years out of fear. Fear of not getting answers, fear of nothing being wrong, fear of having to blame myself. I finally get fed up and started the process what would be several blood tests, girl appointments, and so on. I was fed up with how I looked, not I how felt. What I felt or feel on a daily basis is so normal to me that I don't see anything else or even any possibilities in that part being different. I wanted my body to do what I wanted it to do. I wanted anything, pills, magic, anything to fix it.
Thus far, I do have some answers. I found out that my vitamins are deficient, my hormones are out of whack, my thyroid isn't working properly and so on. It's devastating. While there is partial relief in having some answers, there is still much frustration. I am now on more vitamins, pills, and a different "diet" that I don't know what to do with myself. My body is going through all these changes all at once and I am tired. I haven't felt well in over a week and am driving myself crazy with what to eat. I just want to crawl into bed and hide away.
The good news, if it is anyway is that I get compliments at work about looking different. Not physically but my vibe. I have been told that I have a different glow about me and that its really nice to see me this way. I have had people tell me that they can't put their finger on it but that they can see a difference in me. I smile, say thanks, and move on but inside I am confused. I have no idea what they are talking about. Could all these vitamins and pills really be working and my body is getting into balance and healthy? Is it really possible for me to be healthy and feel different? What in the world is going on?
I wish I could answer this but I can't. I am so wrapped up in what the scale says who I am instead of what I really am. I want the scale to tell me that I am different. It really is sad that people with eating disorders are so wrapped up in what that stupid scale says that when people give them compliments it doesn't mean much. I have been in my recovery long enough to logically look at this and to really ponder what has been said to me, but at the end of the day, all I want is to step on a scale and see if they are right.
I'd like to say that I started this whole process because of my health and that I want to live this life of optimal health and feeling good, but I can't. I started because of my severe hatred for my body. I put it off for a couple of years out of fear. Fear of not getting answers, fear of nothing being wrong, fear of having to blame myself. I finally get fed up and started the process what would be several blood tests, girl appointments, and so on. I was fed up with how I looked, not I how felt. What I felt or feel on a daily basis is so normal to me that I don't see anything else or even any possibilities in that part being different. I wanted my body to do what I wanted it to do. I wanted anything, pills, magic, anything to fix it.
Thus far, I do have some answers. I found out that my vitamins are deficient, my hormones are out of whack, my thyroid isn't working properly and so on. It's devastating. While there is partial relief in having some answers, there is still much frustration. I am now on more vitamins, pills, and a different "diet" that I don't know what to do with myself. My body is going through all these changes all at once and I am tired. I haven't felt well in over a week and am driving myself crazy with what to eat. I just want to crawl into bed and hide away.
The good news, if it is anyway is that I get compliments at work about looking different. Not physically but my vibe. I have been told that I have a different glow about me and that its really nice to see me this way. I have had people tell me that they can't put their finger on it but that they can see a difference in me. I smile, say thanks, and move on but inside I am confused. I have no idea what they are talking about. Could all these vitamins and pills really be working and my body is getting into balance and healthy? Is it really possible for me to be healthy and feel different? What in the world is going on?
I wish I could answer this but I can't. I am so wrapped up in what the scale says who I am instead of what I really am. I want the scale to tell me that I am different. It really is sad that people with eating disorders are so wrapped up in what that stupid scale says that when people give them compliments it doesn't mean much. I have been in my recovery long enough to logically look at this and to really ponder what has been said to me, but at the end of the day, all I want is to step on a scale and see if they are right.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Breath
So I had a conversation with someone today that indirectly encouraged me to love myself enough to really take care of myself, not just take care of myself, but also to do what it takes to find out what I need. She told me that starving myself is not the answer. Okay, well yeah, I have heard that for the last probably 4 years now. Of course logically I know that. I have known that since I was a kid but that hasn't prevented me from doing it. I can have all the book knowledge in the world and can even spew it out when someone challenges those lessons, but to apply it all to myself? Now that has seemed next to impossible.
Anyone that suffers or has suffered from an eating disorder knows exactly what I am talking about. They also know how long it takes to fully recover and long and painful journey it is.
My point, yes I have one. At this stage in my recovery, something that I have been thinking about and even working on is loving myself to take care of myself. Something I have not valued before. I didn't care if I lived or died, I didn't even care if I ate even though I was in recovery. I wanted and still kind of do want it both ways. My eating disorder and recovery. Someone pointed out to me that I have been talking about things like valuing myself and doing things that I need not what others want me to do. She pointed out that I am starting to value myself. Weird. I am still not sure I completely believe it but I do know I have taken steps to take care of myself. Big steps even. Steps I could have cared less about before.
So here I go on this next step and going to seek more medical advice and testing so that I can further my knowledge about how my body works and what it needs, not what ED is telling me it needs, or doesn't need for that matter. This is very scary for me. It not only means having answers but means that I have to love myself enough to follow through and really do what I need to do.
This is not just a physical process, this will also be emotionally trying and exhausting. It may involve much tears and release of things I hold tight in my heart and soul. This won't happen overnight but I guess I just keep going, step by step, little by little. I just keep breathing.
Anyone that suffers or has suffered from an eating disorder knows exactly what I am talking about. They also know how long it takes to fully recover and long and painful journey it is.
My point, yes I have one. At this stage in my recovery, something that I have been thinking about and even working on is loving myself to take care of myself. Something I have not valued before. I didn't care if I lived or died, I didn't even care if I ate even though I was in recovery. I wanted and still kind of do want it both ways. My eating disorder and recovery. Someone pointed out to me that I have been talking about things like valuing myself and doing things that I need not what others want me to do. She pointed out that I am starting to value myself. Weird. I am still not sure I completely believe it but I do know I have taken steps to take care of myself. Big steps even. Steps I could have cared less about before.
So here I go on this next step and going to seek more medical advice and testing so that I can further my knowledge about how my body works and what it needs, not what ED is telling me it needs, or doesn't need for that matter. This is very scary for me. It not only means having answers but means that I have to love myself enough to follow through and really do what I need to do.
This is not just a physical process, this will also be emotionally trying and exhausting. It may involve much tears and release of things I hold tight in my heart and soul. This won't happen overnight but I guess I just keep going, step by step, little by little. I just keep breathing.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
"Roots Before Branches"
http://youtu.be/9KJwyQ7F7Dg
This is my new favorite song. The first time I heard this, I was instantly connected. If you haven't clicked on the link, please do so before or while you are reading this blog.
This song has so many meanings to me I may not even be able to voice them all. I believe that everyone needs to have "roots before branches" and most of all, I believe I NEED to plant my roots.
One thing that I get very sad about is being single. I hate going to bed every night alone and even more I hate the feeling of not being good enough. This song instantly reminded me that I can't even be in a relationship with out these roots. I am not even just talking about a relationship with a man, I mean any kind of relationship. I struggle having relationships with anyone, friends and otherwise. I have wanted to for so long for "people" to just love and accept me for me but deep down I know that I have to have my roots first. I need to love and accept myself before I can expect anyone else to love and accept me. Without these roots I just push everyone away. I can blame it on trust issues, fear, past abuse, or whatever feeling I may have but I think it comes down to just plain old roots.
Another thing I struggle with is my education. I feel like I am not good enough and a failure to everyone around me. I hear things like, 'no, don't take a break' and 'no, you need to take as many classes as you can so you can get done more quickly'. Statements like these put in such a deep self-hatred and lack of acceptance for myself. It's a horrible feeling. Again, this song reminds me that I need to have my roots. It's very hard for me to even know why I am going to college or what I want to do when I grow up if I don't have my strongly planted roots. How do I grow my educational branches without these basic roots? I don't want to feel this self-loathing just because I can't handle taking a full-time load of classes.
I could go on and on about my feelings, especially my hatred for my life and my ability to recover from the past and this eating disorder and how they connect to this song. Ultimately finding a "place in this world..." needs to happen before I can be successful in anything, relationships, college, and anything else that I may face.
Yes, I do not accept myself for who I am. There I said it. "I gotta have roots before branches to know who I am before I know who I want to be. And faith to take chances to live like I see a place in this world for me." I just love this song and what it is saying.
Now what? How do I discover my roots?
This is my new favorite song. The first time I heard this, I was instantly connected. If you haven't clicked on the link, please do so before or while you are reading this blog.
This song has so many meanings to me I may not even be able to voice them all. I believe that everyone needs to have "roots before branches" and most of all, I believe I NEED to plant my roots.
One thing that I get very sad about is being single. I hate going to bed every night alone and even more I hate the feeling of not being good enough. This song instantly reminded me that I can't even be in a relationship with out these roots. I am not even just talking about a relationship with a man, I mean any kind of relationship. I struggle having relationships with anyone, friends and otherwise. I have wanted to for so long for "people" to just love and accept me for me but deep down I know that I have to have my roots first. I need to love and accept myself before I can expect anyone else to love and accept me. Without these roots I just push everyone away. I can blame it on trust issues, fear, past abuse, or whatever feeling I may have but I think it comes down to just plain old roots.
Another thing I struggle with is my education. I feel like I am not good enough and a failure to everyone around me. I hear things like, 'no, don't take a break' and 'no, you need to take as many classes as you can so you can get done more quickly'. Statements like these put in such a deep self-hatred and lack of acceptance for myself. It's a horrible feeling. Again, this song reminds me that I need to have my roots. It's very hard for me to even know why I am going to college or what I want to do when I grow up if I don't have my strongly planted roots. How do I grow my educational branches without these basic roots? I don't want to feel this self-loathing just because I can't handle taking a full-time load of classes.
I could go on and on about my feelings, especially my hatred for my life and my ability to recover from the past and this eating disorder and how they connect to this song. Ultimately finding a "place in this world..." needs to happen before I can be successful in anything, relationships, college, and anything else that I may face.
Yes, I do not accept myself for who I am. There I said it. "I gotta have roots before branches to know who I am before I know who I want to be. And faith to take chances to live like I see a place in this world for me." I just love this song and what it is saying.
Now what? How do I discover my roots?
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