Thanksgiving

With a lot on my mind lately, I haven't been able to sit and write about the many topics that have flashed through my mind. Since today is Thanksgiving I will simply write about that.

This year is the first year that I have not been around many friends or family. It has just been my girls and I. It's been quiet, laid back and simple. The days leading up to this day, I have felt very sad and unloved. Why am I spending this year alone?

Well, circumstances just don't allow me to be with friends or family. My daughter just had surgery on her knee two days ago. She is banned to the couch to recover and heal. We were given strict instructions that she lays with her knee elevated for at least 4 days or until we see her doctor again next week. It's been rough physically and emotionally on all of us. I won't go into all my emotions, that's all way to personal right now but I will say that I am very thankful for her doctors, nurses, the surgery center, and anyone else that put their hands on her knee. I am thankful that despite the rough wake up, she did wake up. I am thankful that the surgeon was able to to what he needed to fix her knee, cleaned up all the cartilage, fixed the ligaments and tissue, and replaced her knee cap where it is supposed to be. I am thankful that I am able to care for her and provide for what she needs right now.

Thanksgiving is a time to remember how thankful we are for what we have. While I tend to remember these things more often because it helps me in my darkest moments, today especially I have so much to be thankful for. I am most thankful for my three beautiful girls. They have saved my life more than once in ways they don't know. I look at them and see such innocence, happiness, joy, and fun. I see pieces of me which reminds me of the person I am and strive to be.

I am thankful for the few people that have helped my family and I eat, especially these last few weeks. We have been blessed with food and love. The feeling of not being able to feed your children is very defeating but to know I have people in my life that bless me and love me enough to not let that happen is amazing.

I am thankful that I have a roof over my head, a job, hot water, electricity, clothing, a working toilet, air conditioning and heat, a warm blanket and so much more. The simple things that most take for granted everyday and that some don't even have right now. No matter how defeated I may feel at times, I do not neglect to pray for those that have less, those on the streets due to job loss, those with children, those that are being abused by their spouse. My heart and love goes out to all of them and I know without a doubt that when I am in  position to help, I will be first in line!!!

I am thankful for those that have stuck around and still love me through all my yuckiness and self-hatred. I know I don't make the best decisions or choices in my life but I know that I learn from them and grow stronger each day. I am glad that I have people in my life that are still here! I have people in my life that have gone but I still am very thankful for them and glad that they were there despite what has happened and my feelings now.

I can breath, walk, talk, love, smile, laugh, see, smell, enjoy and live...I have so much to be thankful for today!

What is Normal?

Sometimes I wish I was normal, well most of the time I wish that. I spend time thinking about what it would be like. Tonight I hear the voices of my past and present support people saying "there is no such thing as normal." But what does that even mean?

Here's what I think. I think that everyone has their own meaning of normal. Other people look at their normal and some try to copy it thinking that it's "normal." No this may not make much sense but I think it's a constant cycle of negative thoughts for some. Like me.

For me, I look at others, listen to others, and wish for their lives. Want what they have because it's what is supposed to be. The truth is though, I want to be own normal and not like anyone else. Deep down it is something I never wanted. I would do things opposite or different than what I saw just to not be like others. So why then do I want to be so "normal?"

Last week was my 35th birthday. No, I am not that old but it brought on so many emotions. I was depressed leading up to it. I kept thinking about how I don't have a normal life and how my life is not what I had imagined or planned. I was angry that I am now "old" and have nothing resembling the life I want or wanted. I go home every night to an empty bed, no one to hold me or make the days' stresses go away. Yes, I have my children but I do not depend on them for emotional, grown up support. I am now to old to remarry, after all, no one wants to date an old single mom with baggage. I was frustrated I didn't have my college degree yet, that I didn't have a better job, that I can't provide for my girls the way I feel they deserve. My birthday was pretty hard.

Sure it was a hard week but I don't have it all that bad. I don't know what my future holds. I don't know when and if I will finish school, meet a nice guy, get a better job, or be able to provide fully for my girls. My life is definitely not what I planned or wanted, but it is my life. I am trying to provide, working on school (slowly), learning more and more about myself, I am being me, my normal.

This is my normal. I am a single mom of three girls who works hard and does everything I know how to stay true to me. I like to draw with my music blasting. I like to do yoga and blog. I like to read with a cup of coffee. I like to hang out with my girls. I like to go to the beach when I can. I am continually learning and growing to become a better, mature, awesome woman and someday my life may be everything I dreamed of. In the meantime, I will live in my normal each day with a smile and try really hard not to let the emotions take over!

Respect, Politics, and Me

In case you didn't already know, there was an election yesterday, lol! It has caused quite a stir at work and on fb, like it does every time there is one. Some people are very opinionated and choose to share them no matter who's feelings they may hurt or offend. I find it surprising such hatred coming out of people's mouths over the election. 

This has brought me to reflect a lot. I have been thinking and thinking the last few weeks leading up to the election, not only about who I am going to vote for, but why people would be so rude. Yes, everyone has their own opinion and I respect that. What I don't like is the mean-ness that comes out of people's mouths when their opinion doesn't come to truth. Obama won this year and I can think of many reasons as to why that is. Personally, I had to choose the lesser of two evils. While I feel I am not fully informed and even found it hard to find reliable sources, I still felt the importance of voting. It is my right, it is our right to vote no matter the outcome. 

I am not and will not express who I voted for or why purely based on the people's very strong reactions to no matter who I say. I have friends that are on both sides to either way I will hear it. I just assume stay out of all the negativity. 

So what does all this mean to me and my recovery? Wow. Such inner reflection on how I treat myself. The name calling, the disrespect, the hatred I show and take out on my own body, choices, thoughts, etc. How mean am I to myself? Truthfully? Very!!!! I respect other people's opinions, views, knowledge, and who they are. I love to even listen to other people's point of view and take what they say fully and reflect on it. I would never call someone the names I call myself or hate them as I hate myself. This is a very sad reality and nothing new. Old news really. 

Since the beginning of my recovery, I have been told over and over again to be nicer to myself. That I have to show myself respect and quit saying things to myself especially if I wouldn't say them to anyone else. I have an opinion of myself that I don't respect, yet I can respect others opinions about anything else. Other people have opinions about me that I don't respect. I don't accept compliments very well nor do I believe them. Someone like me couldn't possibly be all those things. 

The truth is though that other's are more right about me than I am about myself. This negative inner voice has been around for so long that I don't know how to get rid of it. Yes, I have tools, tricks, and even other people telling me different but that doesn't make it go away. It's a constant battle to show myself as much love as I show my girls and as much respect as I show other people. I wish this were easy and I could take my own advice towards myself!!!!

Healthy?

Finally I am deciding to write about my exact food allergies and intolerance that has caused by body to react the way it has. It actually has been a multitude of things that created the perfect storm for my thyroid to malfunction. I haven't wrote to much about it because of my uncertainty and fear and worry and all that other junk. I still do not know everything about what this all means or if I can really trust my doctor and my body. Mostly my body. I haven't trusted it for a very long time, but then again I haven't done the best job taking care of it. I do know and accept that I have responsibility for it. Now the hard part is to stick to what I need to do for my body and trust that I will feel better and be healthier.

Okay, so foods I need to stay away from....all corn products and gluten and wheat products. Sounds simple right? Nope. If you read labels, you will see that almost everything has some kind of corn or wheat product. Foods that I have been encouraged to eat for so long. Foods that I had to learn were okay to eat. Foods like protein bars, peanut butter, and bread all have ingredients my body does not tolerate. Crackers of any kind, juice, and yes my birthday cupcake. All things I should not put into my body.

My body has rejected it all. Between that and all the stress I have been experiencing, my body is totally out of whack. Severe vitamin deficiency, high cortisone levels, an imbalance of my hormone levels, weight gain, and a low thyroid function. Anger is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to what I am feeling about all of it. First came the frustration of trying so hard to learn and be okay with eating the way I was told in treatment and after. I was so anger and confused. I didn't know who to believe or trust. Next I felt really empty. Nothing. Just empty and moving through life. Then came more frustration and anger. I don't know how to eat a new way. I can't afford to go back to my dietitian. I don't know what to do.

Right now I am in acceptance, which is probably why I decided to write about it. I accept that I can not change what I learned and I accept that I can not change what my body needs. I accept that I am the way I am and my body needs what it needs and it is up to me to take care of it.

That's it though. Just acceptance. I still don't know what to do, what to eat, how to figure it out, and so on. I still experience bouts of frustration and anger, which I do not like at all. My body image is so in the toilet that knowing I have to relearn how to eat seems pointless. I do battle whether or not to eat at all. I have had bad days lately in that department. Sometimes I think what's the point? This is a whole new battle I have to fight and I just don't know where to begin.

What I do know is that I want to be healthy and that's where I am going to start.

Is it too late?

These last couple of years have been really rough. Making decisions for my girls and myself have proven to be more difficult than I thought. Not only have they been difficult, the emotions that come along with them have been almost unbearable. Hindsight right? That's the crazy thing, I can look back and still have no idea which ones were the wrong ones and which ones were somewhat close to being beneficial. What does hindsight even mean?

What I do know is that it's a constant struggle and a constant feeling of inadequacy and guilt. Never feeling good enough or strong enough or right enough or smart enough or capable enough to care for my girls. No matter what decisions I have made, those feelings just don't go away. Trying things so many different ways to find something that works seems impossible. So far, nothing has worked.

I feel like a lost soul just wondering around this Earth. I am convinced at this point that no matter what I try, I am deemed to just have an unhappy life. Living like a robot doing what I am supposed to do, like get my kids to school, go to work, pay the bills, clean the house, and so on. I know that I am not perfect and I know that my life won't be perfect either but I tried to believe that things would be better not just different. Having that hope just led me to more hurt and disappointment, mostly in myself.

So my battle is whether or not to let go of that last little bit of hope or wish for something better. This little hope is dangling so far off the string that I can hardly see it. I feel it's just too late for me so why keep trying to climb the never ending up-hill battle. I tried the fight. I tried the way others wanted me to try it and I tried it myself and I still sit here feeling very defeated and beat up, just exhausted and knowing that no matter what I do, I screw everything up!

Their rock!

Realizing that most of my blog posts do not make sense, I have been thinking of writing about something that does. Then I realized that life sometimes just doesn't make sense. Often we wonder why things happen the way the happen or just plain old why they happen. The truth is though that there rarely is no answer to all those questions or all that worry.

Yes, I am extremely frustrated and have very little hope in the future. Yes, I have no idea why I have the life that I have. It is definitely not what I had planned. Another truth? I don't think I want the life I had planned either. That life was still not as good as I, as an adult, want it to be.

In the meantime, I am not sure why I go through what I go through. But from everything I have learned in recovery, I am supposed live one moment at a time. A concept I have the hardest time doing. If I live in this moment, this very moment, I would be content that I have internet access to write this blog. When I stop to think about it and the bill that comes with having the internet, I am very angry. Angry at the schools for practically requiring children to have internet. A huge chuck of my daughter's homework is to be turned in online. What about the parents that can't afford it? What about the parents that are paying for internet so their kid doesn't fail their homework instead of buying food? What about me? A single mom that struggles month to month as it is and has so much required of her from the schools? I get angry that I have to pay for something I cannot afford.

All that anger leads to paying for other things I can't afford, like my phone. Having a phone these days is not cheap. And no, I do not have a fancy phone with all the bells and whistles. My phone is old and right it's even dead. The battery is bad and the sim card says it doesn't work. Can a single mom truly live without a phone? I'd like to think I can, but how would work get a hold of me or anyone else for that matter. I can't afford to get a new phone or even fix this one so I guess we will find out soon enough.

The problem is that a lot of things are happening all at once. I am so very overwhelmed and feel like my life will always be such a struggle. In the past, I ignored everything, acted out, and pretended nothing was wrong. These last few weeks, I have actually cried. Not because I want to but because my emotions are so intense I can't stop it. I do stop it as soon as I can and tell myself that I am not worth crying over and that I have to get it together. I have to be the strong one. I have to know all the answers. I have to show my girls that we aren't in a world of hurt. After all, they need me for their issues.

One is getting surgery, the other is just hitting puberty and looks to me for help and advice, the other just wants me around. I can't go hide and cry. They need me! Those girls depend on me to be their rock.

Yes, my life doesn't make sense and yes I still have no idea what to do, but I do know that my girls need me and I need get it together!

Lost hope?

First I have to write a disclaimer...I know that everyone has similar issues when it comes to money, parenting, relationships, etc. I am not trying to say that they don't or that mine are worse than others. I am just trying to explain my experiences and how it relates to my eating disorder as well as really trying to put a positive spin on it. So, with that said...

As many of you know I am very frustrated with so many things. I feel like I try so hard to be mom and dad, provider, nurturer, fixer, taxi cab, housekeeper, budget, and so on. You can all imagine and probably most of you know how much needs done in one way. Add in the surprises of life, like your daughter needing surgery, you getting sick, your other daughter going through her own emotional stuff, extra expenses at school, and of course much more, and your whole life gets turned upside down.

Being a single mom, I feel adds to all of it. I could go into all the details but basically it gets very wearing on me to have to make all the decisions and go to bed alone feeling like I have no support or to tell me things will be okay. I have lost a lot of hope. I don't know that everything will be okay. I don't know that I make good decisions. I don't even know if I will be able to feed my kids next week.

What's even more frustrating is that I have to spend money on things I don't want to, like Internet (the kids need it for school), a phone (needed mostly for work, and is now broken anyway), and even little expenses like tampons and shampoo (which add up since we are a house of 4 girls). I know these are needs right now but I get so angry with myself for being able to provide.

All these issues and emotions of course affect my eating disorder. I am constantly body checking again, happy that food is low and I save what we have for the kids, excited when someone compliments me on losing weight, craving the scale, and sleeping more than usual. I also have those dang headaches. It's been a hard battle. Hard to fight all those urges, hard to accept myself, hard to look at food, hard to eat food, hard to not go for a long run and so on.

I am not sure what I need or how to feel better. I don't know to hope again and know that everything will just be okay.