Miracles?

I have always believed in miracles, I have seen them all around me, but I have never thought I was worth any of them.

The most recent devastating news in my household was that I was losing my apartment. My girls were going to go stay with their dad and I had no idea where I was going. I really thought I was going to live in my car. My heart was completely broken and I cried so much and so hard I literally have been dehydrated. On top of that, I spent the other day sick with a stomach bug so of course it added to my degrading health. This is a kind of stress I have not experienced before. The thought of being so incapable and inadequate as a parent, as a person, is beyond devastating. There just aren't words to express the emotions and feelings I experience.

Starting with the good news, yes, a miracle has been blessed upon me and my girls and I will be able to stay in my apartment. Again, no words for the feelings and emotions that go with the relief I have for my girls.

Still a struggle. My emotions and feelings are still all over the place and even though I have a place to live, I can't shake the feeling of complete inadequacy. I still do not feel worthy of any help or miracles and I do not feel like I know how to be a grown up, a single mom, or anything that requires me to function as head of household. I shouldn't need help. I should be able to do this on my own.

Backing up a bit, I knew this was coming a few weeks ago or so. There was not enough money to cover rent in January so I spent these last few weeks doing everything I knew to try to get enough. I put up my furniture on Craigslist, had garage sales, and tried to sell anything and everything, including my bed. Anything to give my girls the stability they need and deserve. The closer January came, the more sad I got. I finally had to do something because I knew I didn't have enough. I had a "moving sale" and finally told the girls what would be happening. It was there reaction that hurt me the most.

They cried and cried. After crying a couple of days, they talked to me about how they felt. My oldest said that I could sell all her Christmas gifts before she went and lived with her dad. She shared a lot more and due the the personal nature of it all, I won't share on here but I cried some more. I have failed her and my other daughters. I couldn't protect them. No matter how hard I tried and worked to be a good person and help them get through their issues, I failed them. The worst feeling as a mother I couldn't experience.

On Christmas, we were blessed by others with really nice gifts, even I was spoiled. I had a hard time enjoying them because I knew what lied ahead. In the back of my head, I told myself that I may be living in my car but I would always have coffee with my new Kuerig. When my children were willing to sell their items to help, I was crushed and blessed at the same time. (fortunately, it did not come to that and they still have their gifts)

Yes, all of this has caused more than a relapse, if that's possible. All of my self hatred is generally the cause of relapse and when it gets so deep and in my face, I give in. I give in to the old habits. I know that I need to pick myself up and move forward. This has been one of the hardest things I have had to deal with and I hope that with all the love and support from my friends and support people, I can do this. I can move on from what has been a really almost torturous end of 2012.