Thursday, December 22, 2011

Carrying Things Alones

Now that I have Internet back, at least for a couple more weeks, I can sneak in a blog.

It's been a really tough few weeks trying to not get myself to a point of complete self-defeat. I try every day to be on top of every aspect of my life and just always seem to fail somehow. This could be financially, emotionally, as a mother, as a single parent, as an employee, as a friend, or any number of other things or people I need to be in one day. No matter what I do, it just doesn't end.

Yes, I do know this is somewhat a normal part of life. Part of being a grown up and having responsibilities. I understand that I am not perfect and I am not the only one in the world that can make a poor decision or a decision made out of fear. I know that I will never be a perfect parent or friend. What's really hard is the feeling of never being "good enough".

I have this gym membership that I can't cancel, but can't pay for either. I feel guilty using it or not using it so it's a battle either way. I also have my eating disorder self that I have to battle with at the gym. When I got the gym membership, I felt it was a good decision. After all, it's a good thing to keep your body moving and set a good example for my children. The price wasn't bad and it was part of my recovery, learning to balance a healthy amount of exercise. I had a job with benefits, my own place, and things seemed to be going well. I had no idea that months later I would find myself in a completely different situation. No job, no benefits, and no money. I did what I could to survive the month without a job and fortunately found one quicker than some in this economy. The problem though was playing catch up from that month off.

It doesn't seem like a long time, but when you are a single mom of three girls trying to make it, it is a very long time. I am still trying to catch up from that month. It has gotten to the point of not being able to provide food or other things. Some people suggest getting rid of all extras, like cable and phone but I do not have cable and phone. I do have Internet, but that is a need because of my school and the girls school. So do I get rid of that? Eventually it was just shut off because I couldn't pay the bill.

Christmas is only in a few short days and I have not been able to bless my girls with gifts. I just kept reminding myself and my girls that it is more important that we have a roof over our heads because even that is on thin ice. But now that it's getting closer the emotions are coming. I am very sad. I feel like a failure as a parent because I can't cancel the gym membership to help.

The emotions and burdens that come with being alone in the parenting venture are so heavy that there are days I just want to fall to the floor. I don't know that there are words to express what it feels like and the frustrations I feel. The heart-breaking texts I receive from my daughters continues to make me feel like more of  failure than I already feel. I can't fix it for them. I may even screw it up more, which I know I have in the past. My hurt hearts everyday for them and at the same time is very proud of them. They have been through a lot and continue to endure things they don't deserve. A million "if only's" go through my head everyday involving my girls. It is very overwhelming and I know that I make choices that probably will screw them up forever or at the very least have them sitting in a therapists' chair complaining about how awful of a mom I was. How I wasn't there for them or how they blame me for what has happened. I worry that I didn't get out of bed soon enough or that I had to work too late, or that I made the wrong breakfast for them, or even that I didn't smile enough at them. Did I do everything I could to help them succeed despite their circumstances?

Everyday feels like another defeat.

Well, here's the other perspective. Everyday I see my kids in need, whether its financially, emotionally, or physically, I try even harder to provide for them. It gives me motivation to keep growing and changing. It gives me that second wind to get through the rest of the day. My girls are my motivation. They deserve so much better than they have and if there is just one thing I can do today to help them, I will. I am tired, very tired. I am tired of doing this alone. I am tired of carrying it all on my shoulders. I am tired of having to have it all together so they don't get worried too. I am tired of playing so many roles at the drop of a hat or even at the same time. I am tired of feeling defeated with my finances and not being able to buy food or coats for them. I am tired of not being able to snap away the pain and sorrow my girls and I feel everyday and try to cover up.



I have some decisions I have to make that are very scary to make, but I know it needs to be done. I can't keep running. I am blessed and loved and need to quit doing this on my own.