It's been awhile since I have written a blog mostly because my depression has deepened and I had nothing to write other than I hate my life. Sad, isn't it? I just didn't feel it was necessary to write that over and over again. Everyday I would try to tell myself that everything will be okay. Everyday I would fight to just get out of bed.
Today I am grateful that I have at least a little bit of fight in me. That little bit of fight can truly save me at times.
Something I realized today...the last few years I feel like I have been living someone else's life. This is something I would never admit under normal circumstances to myself let alone to the public. But I am trying to continue to grow and learn about myself so I have to admit that bad stuff too. People constantly telling me what to do or how to live or how to parent and so and so on. Always giving advice or thinking they know what's best for me. I did listen, absorb, ponder, even get extremely confused on what I wanted or who I was. The truth is, I never knew in the first place so when other people I trusted "knew" better, I believed every word. I was very vulnerable.
This last year especially I have made crazy, stupid, bad, decisions for myself. Some that I thought were really great at the time. Some that I knew were wrong but did anyway out of desperation. Most were made out of pure confusion and uncertainty of what I really wanted or needed. All, however, were learning experiences about me. I learned more about who I want to be and what I do and not like. I know that I still have a very long way to go, but I also know and accept that life is a marathon not a sprint and I don't have to do things so quickly or the way others think I should.
Everyday I am becoming stronger and stronger in knowing who I am and what I want and need. It may be slow, it may come with mistakes, disappointment, hurt, and hurt, but that is okay with me. I don't mind going slow. I don't mind learning. And honestly, I don't really care what other people think!
