Put up your gloves!

As most of my followers know, and anyone that knows me knows, I do not like feelings. Whatever I need to do to not feel them, good or bad, I do it. This last couple of days I have tried to give myself permission to cry, to feel, to experience all the emotions of a broken heart. I must say, it is not easy. Spontaneously crying at work is horrible and embarrassing. Trying to fall asleep thinking of anything else only to dream about them and even worse, waking up thinking about it before stepping my feet on the floor. This has got to be the most intense feelings I have experienced and it's pretty exhausting.

My first thoughts in the morning should be positive and happy, or at least in my fantasy world they are. I want to think of sunshine and rainbows not sadness and uncertainty and confusion. Confusion is the worst for me. It drags me down and I start believing things that are really true.

Yesterday I did wake up happy. This morning, not so much. I was sad, frustrated, talking myself in circles about what why before I even opened my eyes. Shed a few tears then decided to get up instead of lay there sad and depressed. You see, I have decided that I have to fight this depression and continually tell myself that I am worth so much more. I am still worth getting up and doing my hair, make-up, saying good morning to my girls, getting breakfast and so on.

The truth is, I deserve to be treated like a queen and it has to start with me. I can't buy into the lies that I have believed for so long. I am tired of being treated like I don't matter, like my feelings, desires, wants, needs, and even likes don't matter. They do matter! I have to believe that. I have to continue to tell myself that every moment of every day. I deserve respect of love from someone special and someday, I hope to experience that kind of love, to be treated like the queen and special person that I am.

This is why I finally let myself feel all the pain, brokenness, heartache, lies, hatred, disrespect, and so on and on and on. No matter how others treat me, I am worth and deserve way more and will stand for nothing less. I will keep people in my life that matter to me and accept me for who I am, screw ups and all. People that forgive, respect, love, and enjoy my company. I don't need to be someone I am not and I do not need to put up anything less, like I have for so long.

Easy? Anything but! With my determination, strength, support from others, and respect for myself and my girls, I will fight and continue to fight for me!

Mourning

These last few days have been very emotional, or I should say that I have allowed myself to feel the emotions and cry. Well, at least for a short time. I finally realized something that I wish I would have a long time ago. Something that has caused great hurt, pain, and inner turmoil. Because of this I was able to take a huge step in finally beginning the healing process. Due to the extreme personal nature of the issue, I will not share what it is, only that is has been a long time coming and I hope that I can continue to grow and heal from it.

Yes, this has greatly affected my recovery and I hate to admit, it has caused a relapse. The guilt and shame is so overwhelming that I am not sure how to deal with it and even how to deal with it along with the other pressing issue that I am facing. What I do know is that life is complicated and so not complicated at the same time. I make it complicated and need to learn how to just breath.

I have been through enough recovery and have been taught so many tools from so many people that I just need to sit back, breath, and slow down. Take one thing at a time, one day at a time, and one phone call at a time. I am not saying that from here on out my life will be easy, it won't be. It's not easy to deal with the pain I am dealing with. It's not easy to raise three girls on my own, figure out how to be a responsible adult, go to work everyday even though I want to hide from the world, or even get up in the morning. It's not easy trying to figure out how to pay the utilities when there just isn't money or how to decide what my girls need and don't need to succeed in school. It's not easy to tell them, sorry, but yes, you are having rice again for dinner. All these things make me feel extremely inadequate as a parent and even more so knowing that I don't have the support from a spouse or father.

My life is one big complicated mess and I need to learn how to take each mess, one at a time, and deal with it with what I have. Whether it's a hug for my girls, or being grateful that we have rice when others have nothing, or crying when I need to so I can finally release so many years of stuffed down pain and hurt.

Someone told me that I need to give myself permission to mourn my past and everything I have been through. In her words, "crap". In my opinion, crap is a nice way of putting it because the truth is, I have been through more than any one person should be allowed. To mourn it all seems unfair and not right, but she is right. I won't be able to truly move on if I don't do it and I believe that I have already started that process, I just need to strength to keep going.

What I hope is that this is a new beginning for me. I hope that I can let go, mourn, and forgive others and myself.

Thanksgiving

With a lot on my mind lately, I haven't been able to sit and write about the many topics that have flashed through my mind. Since today is Thanksgiving I will simply write about that.

This year is the first year that I have not been around many friends or family. It has just been my girls and I. It's been quiet, laid back and simple. The days leading up to this day, I have felt very sad and unloved. Why am I spending this year alone?

Well, circumstances just don't allow me to be with friends or family. My daughter just had surgery on her knee two days ago. She is banned to the couch to recover and heal. We were given strict instructions that she lays with her knee elevated for at least 4 days or until we see her doctor again next week. It's been rough physically and emotionally on all of us. I won't go into all my emotions, that's all way to personal right now but I will say that I am very thankful for her doctors, nurses, the surgery center, and anyone else that put their hands on her knee. I am thankful that despite the rough wake up, she did wake up. I am thankful that the surgeon was able to to what he needed to fix her knee, cleaned up all the cartilage, fixed the ligaments and tissue, and replaced her knee cap where it is supposed to be. I am thankful that I am able to care for her and provide for what she needs right now.

Thanksgiving is a time to remember how thankful we are for what we have. While I tend to remember these things more often because it helps me in my darkest moments, today especially I have so much to be thankful for. I am most thankful for my three beautiful girls. They have saved my life more than once in ways they don't know. I look at them and see such innocence, happiness, joy, and fun. I see pieces of me which reminds me of the person I am and strive to be.

I am thankful for the few people that have helped my family and I eat, especially these last few weeks. We have been blessed with food and love. The feeling of not being able to feed your children is very defeating but to know I have people in my life that bless me and love me enough to not let that happen is amazing.

I am thankful that I have a roof over my head, a job, hot water, electricity, clothing, a working toilet, air conditioning and heat, a warm blanket and so much more. The simple things that most take for granted everyday and that some don't even have right now. No matter how defeated I may feel at times, I do not neglect to pray for those that have less, those on the streets due to job loss, those with children, those that are being abused by their spouse. My heart and love goes out to all of them and I know without a doubt that when I am in  position to help, I will be first in line!!!

I am thankful for those that have stuck around and still love me through all my yuckiness and self-hatred. I know I don't make the best decisions or choices in my life but I know that I learn from them and grow stronger each day. I am glad that I have people in my life that are still here! I have people in my life that have gone but I still am very thankful for them and glad that they were there despite what has happened and my feelings now.

I can breath, walk, talk, love, smile, laugh, see, smell, enjoy and live...I have so much to be thankful for today!

What is Normal?

Sometimes I wish I was normal, well most of the time I wish that. I spend time thinking about what it would be like. Tonight I hear the voices of my past and present support people saying "there is no such thing as normal." But what does that even mean?

Here's what I think. I think that everyone has their own meaning of normal. Other people look at their normal and some try to copy it thinking that it's "normal." No this may not make much sense but I think it's a constant cycle of negative thoughts for some. Like me.

For me, I look at others, listen to others, and wish for their lives. Want what they have because it's what is supposed to be. The truth is though, I want to be own normal and not like anyone else. Deep down it is something I never wanted. I would do things opposite or different than what I saw just to not be like others. So why then do I want to be so "normal?"

Last week was my 35th birthday. No, I am not that old but it brought on so many emotions. I was depressed leading up to it. I kept thinking about how I don't have a normal life and how my life is not what I had imagined or planned. I was angry that I am now "old" and have nothing resembling the life I want or wanted. I go home every night to an empty bed, no one to hold me or make the days' stresses go away. Yes, I have my children but I do not depend on them for emotional, grown up support. I am now to old to remarry, after all, no one wants to date an old single mom with baggage. I was frustrated I didn't have my college degree yet, that I didn't have a better job, that I can't provide for my girls the way I feel they deserve. My birthday was pretty hard.

Sure it was a hard week but I don't have it all that bad. I don't know what my future holds. I don't know when and if I will finish school, meet a nice guy, get a better job, or be able to provide fully for my girls. My life is definitely not what I planned or wanted, but it is my life. I am trying to provide, working on school (slowly), learning more and more about myself, I am being me, my normal.

This is my normal. I am a single mom of three girls who works hard and does everything I know how to stay true to me. I like to draw with my music blasting. I like to do yoga and blog. I like to read with a cup of coffee. I like to hang out with my girls. I like to go to the beach when I can. I am continually learning and growing to become a better, mature, awesome woman and someday my life may be everything I dreamed of. In the meantime, I will live in my normal each day with a smile and try really hard not to let the emotions take over!

Respect, Politics, and Me

In case you didn't already know, there was an election yesterday, lol! It has caused quite a stir at work and on fb, like it does every time there is one. Some people are very opinionated and choose to share them no matter who's feelings they may hurt or offend. I find it surprising such hatred coming out of people's mouths over the election. 

This has brought me to reflect a lot. I have been thinking and thinking the last few weeks leading up to the election, not only about who I am going to vote for, but why people would be so rude. Yes, everyone has their own opinion and I respect that. What I don't like is the mean-ness that comes out of people's mouths when their opinion doesn't come to truth. Obama won this year and I can think of many reasons as to why that is. Personally, I had to choose the lesser of two evils. While I feel I am not fully informed and even found it hard to find reliable sources, I still felt the importance of voting. It is my right, it is our right to vote no matter the outcome. 

I am not and will not express who I voted for or why purely based on the people's very strong reactions to no matter who I say. I have friends that are on both sides to either way I will hear it. I just assume stay out of all the negativity. 

So what does all this mean to me and my recovery? Wow. Such inner reflection on how I treat myself. The name calling, the disrespect, the hatred I show and take out on my own body, choices, thoughts, etc. How mean am I to myself? Truthfully? Very!!!! I respect other people's opinions, views, knowledge, and who they are. I love to even listen to other people's point of view and take what they say fully and reflect on it. I would never call someone the names I call myself or hate them as I hate myself. This is a very sad reality and nothing new. Old news really. 

Since the beginning of my recovery, I have been told over and over again to be nicer to myself. That I have to show myself respect and quit saying things to myself especially if I wouldn't say them to anyone else. I have an opinion of myself that I don't respect, yet I can respect others opinions about anything else. Other people have opinions about me that I don't respect. I don't accept compliments very well nor do I believe them. Someone like me couldn't possibly be all those things. 

The truth is though that other's are more right about me than I am about myself. This negative inner voice has been around for so long that I don't know how to get rid of it. Yes, I have tools, tricks, and even other people telling me different but that doesn't make it go away. It's a constant battle to show myself as much love as I show my girls and as much respect as I show other people. I wish this were easy and I could take my own advice towards myself!!!!

Healthy?

Finally I am deciding to write about my exact food allergies and intolerance that has caused by body to react the way it has. It actually has been a multitude of things that created the perfect storm for my thyroid to malfunction. I haven't wrote to much about it because of my uncertainty and fear and worry and all that other junk. I still do not know everything about what this all means or if I can really trust my doctor and my body. Mostly my body. I haven't trusted it for a very long time, but then again I haven't done the best job taking care of it. I do know and accept that I have responsibility for it. Now the hard part is to stick to what I need to do for my body and trust that I will feel better and be healthier.

Okay, so foods I need to stay away from....all corn products and gluten and wheat products. Sounds simple right? Nope. If you read labels, you will see that almost everything has some kind of corn or wheat product. Foods that I have been encouraged to eat for so long. Foods that I had to learn were okay to eat. Foods like protein bars, peanut butter, and bread all have ingredients my body does not tolerate. Crackers of any kind, juice, and yes my birthday cupcake. All things I should not put into my body.

My body has rejected it all. Between that and all the stress I have been experiencing, my body is totally out of whack. Severe vitamin deficiency, high cortisone levels, an imbalance of my hormone levels, weight gain, and a low thyroid function. Anger is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to what I am feeling about all of it. First came the frustration of trying so hard to learn and be okay with eating the way I was told in treatment and after. I was so anger and confused. I didn't know who to believe or trust. Next I felt really empty. Nothing. Just empty and moving through life. Then came more frustration and anger. I don't know how to eat a new way. I can't afford to go back to my dietitian. I don't know what to do.

Right now I am in acceptance, which is probably why I decided to write about it. I accept that I can not change what I learned and I accept that I can not change what my body needs. I accept that I am the way I am and my body needs what it needs and it is up to me to take care of it.

That's it though. Just acceptance. I still don't know what to do, what to eat, how to figure it out, and so on. I still experience bouts of frustration and anger, which I do not like at all. My body image is so in the toilet that knowing I have to relearn how to eat seems pointless. I do battle whether or not to eat at all. I have had bad days lately in that department. Sometimes I think what's the point? This is a whole new battle I have to fight and I just don't know where to begin.

What I do know is that I want to be healthy and that's where I am going to start.

Is it too late?

These last couple of years have been really rough. Making decisions for my girls and myself have proven to be more difficult than I thought. Not only have they been difficult, the emotions that come along with them have been almost unbearable. Hindsight right? That's the crazy thing, I can look back and still have no idea which ones were the wrong ones and which ones were somewhat close to being beneficial. What does hindsight even mean?

What I do know is that it's a constant struggle and a constant feeling of inadequacy and guilt. Never feeling good enough or strong enough or right enough or smart enough or capable enough to care for my girls. No matter what decisions I have made, those feelings just don't go away. Trying things so many different ways to find something that works seems impossible. So far, nothing has worked.

I feel like a lost soul just wondering around this Earth. I am convinced at this point that no matter what I try, I am deemed to just have an unhappy life. Living like a robot doing what I am supposed to do, like get my kids to school, go to work, pay the bills, clean the house, and so on. I know that I am not perfect and I know that my life won't be perfect either but I tried to believe that things would be better not just different. Having that hope just led me to more hurt and disappointment, mostly in myself.

So my battle is whether or not to let go of that last little bit of hope or wish for something better. This little hope is dangling so far off the string that I can hardly see it. I feel it's just too late for me so why keep trying to climb the never ending up-hill battle. I tried the fight. I tried the way others wanted me to try it and I tried it myself and I still sit here feeling very defeated and beat up, just exhausted and knowing that no matter what I do, I screw everything up!

Their rock!

Realizing that most of my blog posts do not make sense, I have been thinking of writing about something that does. Then I realized that life sometimes just doesn't make sense. Often we wonder why things happen the way the happen or just plain old why they happen. The truth is though that there rarely is no answer to all those questions or all that worry.

Yes, I am extremely frustrated and have very little hope in the future. Yes, I have no idea why I have the life that I have. It is definitely not what I had planned. Another truth? I don't think I want the life I had planned either. That life was still not as good as I, as an adult, want it to be.

In the meantime, I am not sure why I go through what I go through. But from everything I have learned in recovery, I am supposed live one moment at a time. A concept I have the hardest time doing. If I live in this moment, this very moment, I would be content that I have internet access to write this blog. When I stop to think about it and the bill that comes with having the internet, I am very angry. Angry at the schools for practically requiring children to have internet. A huge chuck of my daughter's homework is to be turned in online. What about the parents that can't afford it? What about the parents that are paying for internet so their kid doesn't fail their homework instead of buying food? What about me? A single mom that struggles month to month as it is and has so much required of her from the schools? I get angry that I have to pay for something I cannot afford.

All that anger leads to paying for other things I can't afford, like my phone. Having a phone these days is not cheap. And no, I do not have a fancy phone with all the bells and whistles. My phone is old and right it's even dead. The battery is bad and the sim card says it doesn't work. Can a single mom truly live without a phone? I'd like to think I can, but how would work get a hold of me or anyone else for that matter. I can't afford to get a new phone or even fix this one so I guess we will find out soon enough.

The problem is that a lot of things are happening all at once. I am so very overwhelmed and feel like my life will always be such a struggle. In the past, I ignored everything, acted out, and pretended nothing was wrong. These last few weeks, I have actually cried. Not because I want to but because my emotions are so intense I can't stop it. I do stop it as soon as I can and tell myself that I am not worth crying over and that I have to get it together. I have to be the strong one. I have to know all the answers. I have to show my girls that we aren't in a world of hurt. After all, they need me for their issues.

One is getting surgery, the other is just hitting puberty and looks to me for help and advice, the other just wants me around. I can't go hide and cry. They need me! Those girls depend on me to be their rock.

Yes, my life doesn't make sense and yes I still have no idea what to do, but I do know that my girls need me and I need get it together!

Lost hope?

First I have to write a disclaimer...I know that everyone has similar issues when it comes to money, parenting, relationships, etc. I am not trying to say that they don't or that mine are worse than others. I am just trying to explain my experiences and how it relates to my eating disorder as well as really trying to put a positive spin on it. So, with that said...

As many of you know I am very frustrated with so many things. I feel like I try so hard to be mom and dad, provider, nurturer, fixer, taxi cab, housekeeper, budget, and so on. You can all imagine and probably most of you know how much needs done in one way. Add in the surprises of life, like your daughter needing surgery, you getting sick, your other daughter going through her own emotional stuff, extra expenses at school, and of course much more, and your whole life gets turned upside down.

Being a single mom, I feel adds to all of it. I could go into all the details but basically it gets very wearing on me to have to make all the decisions and go to bed alone feeling like I have no support or to tell me things will be okay. I have lost a lot of hope. I don't know that everything will be okay. I don't know that I make good decisions. I don't even know if I will be able to feed my kids next week.

What's even more frustrating is that I have to spend money on things I don't want to, like Internet (the kids need it for school), a phone (needed mostly for work, and is now broken anyway), and even little expenses like tampons and shampoo (which add up since we are a house of 4 girls). I know these are needs right now but I get so angry with myself for being able to provide.

All these issues and emotions of course affect my eating disorder. I am constantly body checking again, happy that food is low and I save what we have for the kids, excited when someone compliments me on losing weight, craving the scale, and sleeping more than usual. I also have those dang headaches. It's been a hard battle. Hard to fight all those urges, hard to accept myself, hard to look at food, hard to eat food, hard to not go for a long run and so on.

I am not sure what I need or how to feel better. I don't know to hope again and know that everything will just be okay.

In the Moment!

All this anger and frustration I have been experiencing lately has me thinking....a lot!

I have thought about all my past failures, choices, regrets, issues, and so on. I have thought about how to continue to fight and keep going. I think this may the first time that I have wanted to figure out the future instead of give up.

Sadly, I have no idea what that means. I am still confused about so many things in my life. Relationships that I had and have, food and my health - despite I have no grocery money, spirituality, how to be a single mom, and am I really going to end up staying in the car business?

Let's break it down...

My health is very important to me. If I am not healthy, I can't be a mom, work, be in any kind of relationship...it's the basis of life. Health includes my body and my soul. As far as my body, recently finding out things was very depressing for me. My body does not tolerate certain foods so I am supposed to not eat them which gets difficult when I don't have money. I am supposed to take certain vitamins and medications to help get my body back into balance. For the most part I have ignored this just because it takes a lot of work and more importantly, I don't love myself enough to put that much work into it.

My health also includes my soul. I need to keep my soul and spirit in balance. Again, this has fallen to the waste side because of my self-hatred. How do I find out who I am when I don't really care? I have felt pulled in so many directions as far as church, people, relationships, etc that I threw my hands up and just stopped caring. I couldn't be pulled anymore. I want to search this part of me, but on my terms and without feeling judged or pushed or forced into other people's ideas.

As far as being a parent, anyone that is a parent knows how hard it is and how emotional it is. I am not trying to sound like my job is harder or trying to get pity (actually pity is not the goal in my blog). Anyway, I know have two teenagers and a 9 year old, all girls and it's rough. I have to be mom and dad. Set an awesome example and hope and pray that I can do a good enough job that they won't grow up a hot mess. They have experienced way to much in their young lives as it is, they don't need a hot mess of a mom. I feel like a constant failure though. Not being able to provide, not knowing what to do or say, taking things they do or say personally, and feeling like I can't make up for things they experience outside of my control. I'm tired!

So the new perspective or change on all this?

Well, today I sat down and actually made a food list of foods I can eat and ones that I should stay away from. I did this because I get way to overwhelmed with it. I figured if I have a list on the fridge, I can easily grab it, go to the store and know what to get without too much stress. Yes, after three years, I still get very stressed and a lot of anxiety when it comes to food and grocery shopping. We'll see how the list helps.

I have also been trying to keep to the appropriate amount of exercise. Nothing too much or too little. It's hard, but I want to be healthy.

My spirituality? Hhhhmmm, not sure yet. I am still being pulled in several directions. The only thing I can do is be purposeful about setting time aside to meditate and really think about what I want and who I am.

Being a parent I think will be a life long journey. Just knowing that other's struggle and have similar feelings I do has helped me through this weekend. That and a lot of deep breathing. I love my girls more than anything and I really want to do a good job with them. In the end, I just really hope they know how much I do love them!!!!

I am really trying to focus on the moment and not let the big picture of things overwhelm me. So today I am staying positive and being proactive in things I have ignored.

Follow Up From Last Night

So if you read last night's post, you'd know that I was very angry and upset. After writing, I went to bed still frustrated and angry mostly with myself. Angry that I can't make better choices, angry with the choices I have made, angry at my situation as a whole, angry that I am who I am, angry that I can't be the person I want to be, and so much more. Nothing seems to be going right. My phone isn't working, bills are piling up, work is chaotic, kids are having struggles, and I just can't keep up. I am done.

I don't know what else to do at this point. I thought things were supposed to get better if I started doing the "right" things, but that isn't the case. So after repeatedly telling myself the things I am thankful for in this moment I finally got some sleep. This morning I still feel very defeated. I did apologize to my children and am trying to start the day off with a smile on my face. All I can do is be thankful in the moment.

Like right now I am thankful that even though my phone doesn't work, I can still communicate through email and facebook. I am thankful that I have gas in my car and a job to go to. And I am most certainly thankful for that cup of coffee I will have once I get to work!

No matter how bad things are or seem, I have to remember the good things. I have to remember my thankful list because it's that list that will save me from completely losing it and acting out on all my old behaviors.

Defeat

I feel extremely defeated!!!!!!

Yes, to the point of crying and those that know me know that I do NOT cry!!!! I let myself for a minute, then gathered myself while saying that I am better than that. Do not cry!

Why do I feel this way? Well, I am guessing it is a compilation of several things that I just keep covering up with something else. Some because of circumstances out of my control and some because of my own choices.

Tonight I got so angry with my children for things that aren't completely their fault. I didn't yell or act out on them, just told them that I was upset and was going to lock myself in my room. Even though my anger was directed towards them, I have not and do not want to take it out them. But this is the first time I have actually walked away and chose to lock myself in my room. That's when the crying started and stopped just as quickly.

I feel like a complete failure as a parent. I have one child that seems to think I will "save" her from all her mistakes, accidents, or whatever else she needs and another that completely does not like me or even want to be around her family. Both my fault in how I have parented thus far. My anger came about when I had to get money for one that got theirs stolen and went to pick up the other one and was not where she said would be so I had to wait for her. My anger just kept boiling over and hit the peak when I got home and the one that needed the money walked in on me while I was in the bathroom to get it. So on a normal day, all this would be cause for consequences and teaching lessons. But not today.

Today plus the last little bit...here's the background...

As most know I barely make it financially and try my best to keep up with what my girls need and try really hard to once in a while let them have something they want. This is the first time since I have been on my own that I felt completely hopeless when it comes to money. My girls know that I struggle to provide for them and things are tough but they also see that I come through and they have their needs met. I can not buy things they need right now. Not even food. We are down to the last few packages of ramen and have a few cans of carrots and some oatmeal. There is no time in the near future that I can get them more food. My poor child is so constipated and sick from eating so much ramen, ugh! So between my own guilt as a parent being able to not provide, my daughter getting money stolen from her fundraiser box, I just got angry at her for not being more responsible.

As I also said earlier, one of them dislikes me. She is going through that stage where everyone hates her, nothing is fair, she feels she doesn't belong, etc. etc. etc. For a normal family, this is typical of a child her age going through so many changes and trying to figure out who they are and all that fun stuff. Well for me, I feel so inadequate as a parent as it is that when she says things like, "I don't want to be around my family," and "I can't trust any of you," I get over emotional. I want to fix it, fix her, but I can't. She has to go through her own emotions and learn from them just like everybody else.

I am slowly falling apart. I can't keep up anymore. I am tired and hungry. Oh yeah, my eating disorder loves that I have no food to eat. Add in that I have been sick for a couple weeks and I am one big hot mess!!!

Perspective? Yes, that's what I need to try to change. The outlook for tomorrow and next week look pretty dark and there isn't much I can do to change that. What I can do is be grateful tonight that I have a roof over my head, hot water, a bed, and was able to make dinner for girls. Tonight they ate, tonight they will sleep in a warm bed, tonight they will be able to shower with hot water, and tonight I will be able to tuck them in and tell them I love them.

Sick and Frustrated

I have thought long and hard about what to write about on here and every time I sit down to write, I delete. I used to be able to write everyday with no problem as words fly around my head at an overwhelming rate. I think I have been feeling very unsure of what I am going through and that it is no where near worthy of sharing compared to what others go through. So I wait for a big horrible event to share thinking that maybe someone else can relate and/or understand and not feel alone. Truth is I have been feeling very alone lately and continue to isolate more and more. So I have to just write. I have to begin to come out of the turtle shell I keep safely over my head, my life.

I have been dealing with body image big time. My body has not done what I want it to do or what even what others expected it to do during my recovery. My own thoughts on this has been things like, 'see, I don't need to eat', 'i was right all along', 'you people don't know what you are talking about', and but limited to, 'I knew there was always something wrong with me.' The things that I think while it is quiet and I am alone are things like, 'I am so stupid', 'I can't trust anyone', 'I am such a fat bitch', 'I hate myself so much so why try' and more. Yes, my mind tells me terrible things. Things I would never say to another person. Sometimes all that is so loud I have to act out. I have to make them be quiet or I give in to them and argue or agree until I am soooo tired I pass out. It's hard and exhausting.

The plus would be that all this plus my recovery knowledge has finally led me to take things a step further and ask my doctor what is going on. I found out somethings that are both hard to hear and relieving at the same time. Part of me feels like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders knowing that my body can't tolerate certain foods. Part of me is angry that I didn't ask questions sooner. The other part of me is even angrier that I let myself get this far into recovery without being more persistent and not eat because of my body. Confusing I know.

Today I sit here even more angry with myself. You see once I decided I was going to do what it takes to get myself healthy, I get sick. I have been sick with this cold/flu for 5 days now. In the past I would have laid in bed when I could and not eaten because I don't feel like eating when I am sick. This time I want to get better as quick as I can so I can get back to my routine so I drink orange juice, The dreaded, ever-forbidden orange juice. This threw me off all week. The next day, after reading the oj label, I stayed away but continually felt the guilt of that first glass. I try tea, water, and soup but could not shake the guilt of not sticking to what my body tolerates and needs. I am ashamed to admit that the guilt led me to throw my hands up and not care. So I drank more orange juice, more sugary drinks, and foods that my body does not like.

I feel miserable. Still very sick, coughing, fever, sneezing, no voice, and didn't go to work today. More guilt. When it comes down to it, I struggle with loving myself and my body enough to take care of it properly. I tell myself to be patient but all that does is give me room to mess up more. I am frustrated and tired. I feel like I can't do anything right. I feel that I am not lovable or worth caring about. It's hard to keep motivated.

So my new positive perspective on all of this. I am not sure. I know that logically I need to be patient with myself because I am sick. I also know that there seems to always be a reason or an excuse for me to be patient with myself. The bottom line is that I need to start making the choice to care and love myself enough to do what I need to do. To give my body what it needs.

Growing Pains

It's been awhile since I have written a blog mostly because my depression has deepened and I had nothing to write other than I hate my life. Sad, isn't it? I just didn't feel it was necessary to write that over and over again. Everyday I would try to tell myself that everything will be okay. Everyday I would fight to just get out of bed.

Today I am grateful that I have at least a little bit of fight in me. That little bit of fight can truly save me at times.

Something I realized today...the last few years I feel like I have been living someone else's life. This is something I would never admit under normal circumstances to myself let alone to the public. But I am trying to continue to grow and learn about myself so I have to admit that bad stuff too. People constantly telling me what to do or how to live or how to parent and so and so on. Always giving advice or thinking they know what's best for me. I did listen, absorb, ponder, even get extremely confused on what I wanted or who I was. The truth is, I never knew in the first place so when other people I trusted "knew" better, I believed every word. I was very vulnerable.

This last year especially I have made crazy, stupid, bad, decisions for myself. Some that I thought were really great at the time. Some that I knew were wrong but did anyway out of desperation. Most were made out of pure confusion and uncertainty of what I really wanted or needed. All, however, were learning experiences about me. I learned more about who I want to be and what I do and not like. I know that I still have a very long way to go, but I also know and accept that life is a marathon not a sprint and I don't have to do things so quickly or the way others think I should.

Everyday I am becoming stronger and stronger in knowing who I am and what I want and need. It may be slow, it may come with mistakes, disappointment, hurt, and hurt, but that is okay with me. I don't mind going slow. I don't mind learning. And honestly, I don't really care what other people think!

Now what?

Tonight was a little strange. I did something I haven't done in a while and I'm not sure why. It was just something I felt I had to do.

What I learned from it....not sure completely but I did get some clarity. Something so odd and so unexpected. I sit here now, tonight, in confusion. Not because of the clarity but because I am not sure where to go from here.

Now that you all are confused, closed this blog, or are intrigued, let me explain a little more.

One thing that I am clear on is that through out these last few years as I struggled, fought, and continued on this recovery path, I have done what people told me to do. I trusted people, I believed people, and I followed people. I was on auto-pilot with whom ever I was with. That may sound a little strange but I thought I was always doing the right thing. As long as I did or said what "they" told me to do, I was on the right path.

The problem I struggle with, even through the last few years, is the overwhelming sense of losing myself in all of it. I continued to do what I was told thinking that eventually things would change. That if I did things right then I would "feel" better or "be" better. But 3 years and many choices later, I still feel like I am not me. I feel like things will never change. I would always fight against this unknown and never really fit in anywhere or belong.

Tonight it became clear to me that doing things that people told me to do for my recovery didn't help me at all. While I am a different person than I was 3 years ago, I have been stuck these last few months or so and now I think I know why. I asked for help, I journalled, I sacrificed, I robotically did things. I am pretty sure that through all of what I have been through, I have not had my own thoughts, my own actions, my own choices, my own wants, my own needs, my own learning, my own recovery.

I know that all this probably doesn't make sense but I need to learn for myself what things mean to me in my life, not what other people tell me they are. I need to stand on my own two feet. I need figure out what I need to move forward in my own recovery. I need to know what works for me and not what works for everyone else.

The real question is....now what? What do I do with the flood of information and clarity?

Relationships part 2

I struggle this morning with so many things that I finally decided to just write. I have written, deleted, thought, erased, and repeated the process because nothing seems to really clarify anything I am actually feeling this morning. I am confused on so many things like, ED, relationships, my perspectives, my health, motherhood, being single, and so on. Yes, all this runs through my head pretty much all the time. It is very difficult to quiet my mind enough to get rest or at least a break from the thoughts. Work is good because I can focus on that, or at least until someone makes a random comment that starts the flooding again.

I am overwhelmed with so many thoughts this morning. Thoughts of who I am, who ED is, what part does he really play in my life, why am I so selfish, how come I can't be the parent I want to be, why am I so fat and ugly, why don't I have a scale in my house, and it just keeps going. If I can just step on a scale, I could know the answer to these questions. But that's not true. That's ED telling me that I am worth what the scale says. Everything I know about recovery is the opposite. I am not worth that number.

The healthy-self wants so much more out of life. But she is also very scared of what that means and looks like. It's scary to step into something new. It's scary to even admit things that have been so deeply buried for so long that I can't tell if it's me or ED. Fighting against ED is like fighting against myself constantly. I am so frustrated that I can't tell the difference. I am so frustrated that I have to my faith and trust in others to tell me the difference.

Today I am just so exhausted!

Even though I am exhausted with this process, I can still have enough of a different perspective to know that I am very thankful for so many things in my life. I see others' going through worse situations. While I have great empathy for those around me, I can't forget to take care of myself and continue this journey, this fight that I started 3 years ago.

With all my thoughts and frustrations and even confusions about relationships lately, I can't forget the one with myself. I need to work on that one so that I can have healthy relationships with others.

Relationships

Lately I have been thinking a lot about relationships. Relationships of all kinds. Friendships, acquaintances, co-workers, past, present, future, my children, and so on. Like I said, all types. I have been stewing all day, everyday, that I am driving myself crazy. What I can't figure out is why this has been such a huge factor lately and why it's an area that I have a hard time facing.

In my moments of clarity with knowing what I want and who I am, I have made decisions, hard ones, that I needed to make. Decisions that are hurtful all around. I hurt. My heart hurts. My soul hurts. But I have to do what's best for me no matter the cost, meaning possibly losing relationships. I have to be willing to let go with hopes that the better will come along.

Better. What does that even mean? How do I trust that there is better? The truth is that I can't. I can't know that there are people out there that will accept me for who I am and respect me without any conditions or judgements or expectations. I am not sure if that's "normal", but I do know that it's what I want.

I think I have just come to some conclusions about who I am and what I want. I know it's crazy. I know I am crazy. I know that this is me right now and I know what I need and what I don't need. I am trying to commit to myself. Meaning that I need to pay attention to my needs and wants and love myself enough to make it happen. Love myself to surround myself with people that aren't going to make me feel less of a person or judged or incompetent. People that will support and love me no matter what. It's a lot to ask for and maybe I am being a little selfish but it's time to stand up for me.

Granted this is still a process and I am not completely sure what I am doing, but I am trying to figure it out.

Health or Looks?

The last few weeks I have undergone blood tests and such to get answers about what is wrong with me. Fortunately, I think there are answers, which gives me some relief until I sit and really think about it. Here's why:

I'd like to say that I started this whole process because of my health and that I want to live this life of optimal health and feeling good, but I can't. I started because of my severe hatred for my body. I put it off for a couple of years out of fear. Fear of not getting answers, fear of nothing being wrong, fear of having to blame myself. I finally get fed up and started the process what would be several blood tests, girl appointments, and so on. I was fed up with how I looked, not I how felt. What I felt or feel on a daily basis is so normal to me that I don't see anything else or even any possibilities in that part being different. I wanted my body to do what I wanted it to do. I wanted anything, pills, magic, anything to fix it.

Thus far, I do have some answers. I found out that my vitamins are deficient, my hormones are out of whack, my thyroid isn't working properly and so on. It's devastating. While there is partial relief in having some answers, there is still much frustration. I am now on more vitamins, pills, and a different "diet" that I don't know what to do with myself. My body is going through all these changes all at once and I am tired. I haven't felt well in over a week and am driving myself crazy with what to eat. I just want to crawl into bed and hide away.

The good news, if it is anyway is that I get compliments at work about looking different. Not physically but my vibe. I have been told that I have a different glow about me and that its really nice to see me this way. I have had people tell me that they can't put their finger on it but that they can see a difference in me. I smile, say thanks, and move on but inside I am confused. I have no idea what they are talking about. Could all these vitamins and pills really be working and my body is getting into balance and healthy? Is it really possible for me to be healthy and feel different? What in the world is going on?

I wish I could answer this but I can't. I am so wrapped up in what the scale says who I am instead of what I really am. I want the scale to tell me that I am different. It really is sad that people with eating disorders are so wrapped up in what that stupid scale says that when people give them compliments it doesn't mean much. I have been in my recovery long enough to logically look at this and to really ponder what has been said to me, but at the end of the day, all I want is to step on a scale and see if they are right.

Breath

So I had a conversation with someone today that indirectly encouraged me to love myself enough to really take care of myself, not just take care of myself, but also to do what it takes to find out what I need. She told me that starving myself is not the answer. Okay, well yeah, I have heard that for the last probably 4 years now. Of course logically I know that. I have known that since I was a kid but that hasn't prevented me from doing it. I can have all the book knowledge in the world and can even spew it out when someone challenges those lessons, but to apply it all to myself? Now that has seemed next to impossible.

Anyone that suffers or has suffered from an eating disorder knows exactly what I am talking about. They also know how long it takes to fully recover and long and painful journey it is.

My point, yes I have one. At this stage in my recovery, something that I have been thinking about and even working on is loving myself to take care of myself. Something I have not valued before. I didn't care if I lived or died, I didn't even care if I ate even though I was in recovery. I wanted and still kind of do want it both ways. My eating disorder and recovery. Someone pointed out to me that I have been talking about things like valuing myself and doing things that I need not what others want me to do. She pointed out that I am starting to value myself. Weird. I am still not sure I completely believe it but I do know I have taken steps to take care of myself. Big steps even. Steps I could have cared less about before.

So here I go on this next step and going to seek more medical advice and testing so that I can further my knowledge about how my body works and what it needs, not what ED is telling me it needs, or doesn't need for that matter. This is very scary for me. It not only means having answers but means that I have to love myself enough to follow through and really do what I need to do.

This is not just a physical process, this will also be emotionally trying and exhausting. It may involve much tears and release of things I hold tight in my heart and soul. This won't happen overnight but I guess I just keep going, step by step, little by little. I just keep breathing.

"Roots Before Branches"

http://youtu.be/9KJwyQ7F7Dg

This is my new favorite song. The first time I heard this, I was instantly connected. If you haven't clicked on the link, please do so before or while you are reading this blog.

This song has so many meanings to me I may not even be able to voice them all. I believe that everyone needs to have "roots before branches" and most of all, I believe I NEED to plant my roots.

One thing that I get very sad about is being single. I hate going to bed every night alone and even more I hate the feeling of not being good enough. This song instantly reminded me that I can't even be in a relationship with out these roots. I am not even just talking about a relationship with a man, I mean any kind of relationship. I struggle having relationships with anyone, friends and otherwise. I have wanted to for so long for "people" to just love and accept me for me but deep down I know that I have to have my roots first. I need to love and accept myself before I can expect anyone else to love and accept me. Without these roots I just push everyone away. I can blame it on trust issues, fear, past abuse, or whatever feeling I may have but I think it comes down to just plain old roots.

Another thing I struggle with is my education. I feel like I am not good enough and a failure to everyone around me. I hear things like, 'no, don't take a break' and 'no, you need to take as many classes as you can so you can get done more quickly'. Statements like these put in such a deep self-hatred and lack of acceptance for myself. It's a horrible feeling. Again, this song reminds me that I need to have my roots. It's very hard for me to even know why I am going to college or what I want to do when I grow up if I don't have my strongly planted roots. How do I grow my educational branches without these basic roots? I don't want to feel this self-loathing just because I can't handle taking a full-time load of classes.

I could go on and on about my feelings, especially my hatred for my life and my ability to recover from the past and this eating disorder and how they connect to this song. Ultimately finding a "place in this world..." needs to happen before I can be successful in anything, relationships, college, and anything else that I may face.

Yes, I do not accept myself for who I am. There I said it. "I gotta have roots before branches to know who I am before I know who I want to be. And faith to take chances to live like I see a place in this world for me." I just love this song and what it is saying.

Now what? How do I discover my roots?

"Concrete Angel"

This morning my girls had the radio on and for some reason this song came on that is and always has been a very emotional song for me. I recommend you click the link and listen to it first before continuing on with my post.

http://youtu.be/KtNYA4pAGjI

Okay, now that you have listened and watched and maybe shed a few tears, this is real. This is real in my life and my kids' lives. I regret so much and still blame myself for everything and I mean everything. From being a kid and not doing things perfect or being perfect or even just good enough to closing my eyes and ears to what my own children were telling me. I was so wrapped up confusion and who knows what. I didn't want to believe any of it. I still don't.

This morning, I heard this song. This morning while trying to dye my hair and cover up the imperfections, this song played from my living room. I don't know if I have to admit truth and quit lying to myself. This is a part of my life that I ignore and run from.

Either way I still feel like a horrible person, not worthy of anything other than the worst. This is a huge road block in my recovery and logically I know that but there is just something holding me back. Something that won't let me admit it all, talk about it all, cry about it all, deal with it all, and move on from it all. I just don't feel I deserve any better.

"We Bought a Zoo"

The other night I watched "We Bought A Zoo" with my girls. It was a great movie with a very touching story line. Come to find out it's based on a true story. Wow, really? I admired the man so much more for starting a fresh new life with his children.

Let me back up. For those that haven't seen the movie, I will try not to give to much away. The basic story is that this family lost their wife and mother and are struggling to move on. A dad is trying to raise his two kids on his own through all their struggles, grief, and loss. He ends up quitting his job and looks for a new house for a new start for him and his children. Finally settling on this huge new adventure of purchasing a house that comes with a failing zoo. I recommend watching it if you haven't seen it yet.

I do not know what it is like to lose a spouse to death and will never claim to. If you have, I am so very sorry and have great empathy for your situation.

With that said, I do know what it's like to lose a spouse to divorce. My situation was a very long, strange and unique one with many trials. I sit here, 3 years, later still struggling on how to pick up and move on, but with the same desires as this father had in the movie. He wanted a fresh new start for his family. I want a fresh new start for my family. Now I can't go out a buy a zoo or even a new house for that matter nor do I have any money available to me to have a lot of choices. My heart still wants this fresh start. My heart still wants to have this new life with my girls that I feel is just impossible. I don't know where to go, how to feel, what to do, etc. I have tried many things through this trying time and none have been the fresh start I am looking for. Maybe because I just don't know what I am looking for.

Ultimately, I think I want something that doesn't exist. Because of this thought, I stay in this circle of doom. Because it's unreachable, I figure I need to settle. Settle for unhappiness, settle for torment, settle for this so called life. The inner turmoil I experience everyday is unrelenting. I feel as though I am in this life just doing what I need to each day to make it through. According to things I have learned in recovery, it's not supposed to be this way.

What I do know is that I need to find my "zoo" and start over. I need to figure out who I am and what I want for me and my girls. I need a fresh new beginning for this new stage in my life.

Being a Mom

Following up on yesterday's post about depression, I am very proud to say that today I am trying very hard to stay proactive against it. I have not crawled back into bed after taking my girls to school and have prepared and cooked, yes cooked my meals for the day. During my times of reality and being up, my plan is to continue to take advantage of it and keep going. Maybe one day the times will be longer and longer and I won't have to fight as hard.

Anyway, today's topic is one that plagues me each and every day. Being a mother. I have several people around me that are pregnant and sometimes it can be very hard to watch. I don't even know what they are going through because many of them have been getting quite ill. I never experienced morning sickness or water retention or any of the other typical pregnancy issues. I was also very young and naive of what was happening to my body and how to be a mother. My experiences as a pregnant mom-to-be were not really that bad. The worst was my third when I was put on bed rest a couple of times through out the 9 months. My deliveries were also pretty easy, my girls pretty much walked out and I did not spend time pushing for hours. One push and they fell, literally. All three of them were barely caught by the doctor. My experiences were scary and strange and I was oblivious to most of what I was going through.

I have had all the same fears my friends have now. From my body changing to how to raise a kid. So here I am 15 years later with 3 beautiful daughters that all have changed my life in their own way. My oldest is preparing to drive and get a job so she can save money and go to NYU when she is 18. She has big plans and goals for herself and I am doing what I can to help and support her. Even though I feel like she is a good kid, I still fear that I totally screwed her up. I fear that I didn't do enough. I fear that emotionally she will be in therapy the rest of her life once she realizes what harm I actually did.

Raising children is one of the hardest things a person can do. Whether you are married, a single mom or dad, or any other type of guardian. I have been a stay at home mom, a working mom, and am now a single mom. No matter what title I hold, it is hard. I can't help be jealous of my friends that waited until they were older to start raising a family. In my mind they are wiser and have more life experience and more stable in their income. I wish that I had time to deal with my demons first so that I could have been fully prepared for what I was facing with children.

At this point in me being a mother, I can not control much of what happens. They go out into the world and have their own experiences and have their own demons they have to face. I can only guide them and hope that they can learn from them and continue to grow into healthy young adults. I feel like I failed them greatly. I know I can't "fix" them or pick up all the pieces because they have to learn on their own but I also can't help blame myself for marrying who I did and sort of choosing to have them so young. It's sooooo not fair to them.

I love them. I fear for them. I worry for them. They are my heart!

Depression

Wow, it's been a couple of weeks since I have posted. Well, first I will update you on the last few weeks, briefly. My schedule has been changed a multitude of times at work, which has left me in a state of utter frustration. Mostly because I really hate change. I don't handle it very well. It throws me off so badly that I find myself sometimes just sitting blankly for hours and hours. Not good, I know. I also have so many feelings and thoughts about my new schedule. As much as I wanted to work days so I could be home at night with my girls, I am afraid of that very thing. Will I be able to feed them properly, will I be able to deal with the ex, will I be able to deal with all my girls' emotions and activities, will I be able to give them the attention the need and deserve, and so on. This has started me in this deep depression that for the first time I recognized, before it was to late.

Which brings me to what I want to write about today, depression. There is such a stigma and complete misunderstanding of what depression is out there. This is why I fear admitting that this is one of my many ailments. But, yes, I do suffer from clinical depression. I hate it. If there is one thing I hate most about myself, it's my depression. I hate that I have very little control over it. Many of you may be thinking at this point that if I wanted I could control it. You know the old saying, "happiness is a choice"? Well, yes it can be a choice and there are days, well mostly every day I wake up and tell myself that today I am going to be happy. Unfortunately it's not as simple as that. I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that does not allow me to see reality for what it really is. This imbalance has control over my brain and my choices. This is what I hate the most. Most of the time I don't even realize that I am headed to a dark place until someone or something tells me. And even then, that's only because of my recovery experiences and allowing myself to be open to my therapist and her suggestions and wisdom. It's a very sad place to be.

My depression has impacted my life in more ways than I want it to. It affects my social life, my relationship with my girls, any relationship for that matter, how I live everyday, my choices, and my thoughts. My first experience with recovery was very confusing to me. One thing that was said over and over again is that we don't chase each other. I never really knew what that meant nor do I like that philosophy. I understand that if someone doesn't want recovery it is not any one's job to push them or force them to do things they aren't ready for or that they don't want to. What I don't understand is if we don't "chase" those that don't know any different, how will they ever know? For example, if I suffer from depression and don't know that it's been weeks since I have gotten out of bed or made an appearance at a social function, if someone doesn't call me or check to see if I am OK, how will I ever know or snap out of the depression. How will I ever learn to grow and function with this disease? It doesn't make much sense to me.

I do feel that I have been ignored because of this very "rule". Or at least I'd like to think that's what it is and not because my "friends" just plain old don't like me. These last couple of years I have felt abandoned and left alone to live this life that I just can't do alone. I know that I have made bad choices and have been in such a depression that nothing else matters. I wish that my "friends" reached out more and pointed out that I haven't been around more. I wish that my job hours didn't impact my entire life. I sit here today able to recognize and voice that I have this issue and it is something I want to grow from, but I can't do it alone.

I need help. I need phone calls. I need to be invited to functions. I need to not be ignored. I need to be shaken every once in a while. I need help with my girls. I need someone to be a source of reason when my brain isn't. Without being "chased" this can never happen and that makes me very sad.

Depression is real thing. It's a real chemical imbalance that does not allow a person to see reality or even know the difference. Knowing all of this in my moment of reality, I know that I can fight this with or without "friends". I'd rather do it with people around me and know that it would be much healthier and faster. Either way, I do choose to be healthy and will continue to wake up every day fighting no matter what the day brings.

Take Your Child to Work Day

I have been doing a lot painting and drawing instead of keeping up on my blog even though I have so much to write about. As all the topics run through my, I can get overwhelmed. Triggers have been popping up left and right and I guess that's why I have been focusing on my creative side, so I don't have to think about the bad stuff, which I have been told is actually a good idea. So for this blog, I will write about one of them that happened last week.

I took my daughter to work with me on "Take Your Child to Work Day", something I didn't want to do but she wanted to so badly see what I did all day. You see, she wants to do everything I do. Strange because I don't think I am a very exciting person. I really discovered this about her with my recent creative outlet. Since I have started painting, I come home from work with her paintings all over my table. It's really cute but I honestly don't know how to react to it. Anyway, she went to work with me with her all done, lip gloss on, and a nice outfit. She packed her bag full of crayons, markers, paper, and books to read. She was more excited than I was.

She followed me, watched me and met my coworkers. That was easy because every single one of them were taken back by how much she looks just like me. I was shocked by that because I don't think she looks like me at all. One particular person said, "wow, she is so beautiful and looks just like you." Without thinking this through, this is what automatically came out of my mouth, "What? No way, I am fat and ugly and she is adorable and cute." Yes, ED reared his ugly head and didn't stay quiet. I was embarrassed and wanted to take it back, not because I don't believe it, but because I don't say those things out loud, especially at work. As far as they all know, I am a perfectly normal person.

This got me thinking and asking myself so many questions. One is, Why do I see a different reflection than everyone else? I just don't understand why I have to see something so different and horrible. This statement of hers and mine triggered me to the point of having the obsessive thoughts about food and exercise the rest of the night. I struggled eating and I struggled being there in front of people. I was so self conscious of how I looked that I tried very hard to stay hidden. It was very sad.

Today, and everyday, I always have these things on my mind but when it comes out in the open I am more prone to hide. This is not something I am sure of as to why but it happens. I guess it's something I need to delve into more. In the meantime, I hate that I feel so negative about myself that I feel the need to hide from the world and even my children. I also hate that I don't feel like it will ever change and I am stuck for the rest of my life with these negative thoughts. Sometimes I just want to throw the towel in because facing these thoughts and feelings are just to scary.

On the plus side, my daughter had a blast and said she loves my work. I wonder if she went to the same place I did, lol? Or maybe it has to do with how everyone would tell her how cute she is and give her candy and treats. Either way, looking at my job through her eyes can change how I view my job everyday.

Change

Change is something that is hard for me , always has been. Even the little things like moving the canister on the kitchen counter. Sounds silly I know, but I do have OCD and issues that contribute to this difficulty. While I am working on functioning on a "normal" level with these issues, I think big changes will always be hard. Especially when they involve putting up very strong boundaries.

There will be change coming into my future and that terrifies me but it has to be done. I can't let my anxiety and OCD and fears get in my way anymore. The problem is that I don't know what this change looks like. I don't know if it will be one big jump or if it will take take and smaller steps. There is so much to think about and plan it is so very overwhelming. I also have to think about my girls. I need to look at the big picture while staying in the moment and evaluating what is best for me.

Someone told me not to worry about the little things and do what is best for you and your girls and everything else will fall into place. There is great importance to that but my problem is that I have been trained or always have second guesses or that's just not possible or I wasn't even meant to have a better life. I have so many negative thoughts that have been engraved into my very soul that it's so difficult to pull each one out. It's hard to know which ones are legitimate and which ones are only worth trash. This makes my head spin and spin.

What I do know is that it's time to love myself enough to take care of myself. I need to do what is best for me. I need to stand strong on those decisions no matter what anyone says to me or no matter what they want for me. It's a hard concept in recovery and I know I am not the only that feels this way. That is so fearful of the change or letting others down, they do nothing. I want to do something. It's time to do something.

I need love, support, encouragement, and all that good stuff around me to accomplish this. This is probably one of the hardest changes/decisions I have made in the last 3 years.

Love

The challenge today is to write about love, yes love. Not romantic love but what it means to love myself and my girls enough to take care of myself and my girls. The kind of love I have for them, what it means, what it looks like, how to love myself, and blah blah blah. The person that challenged me better be reading this and is probably chuckling right now, or at least that is what I imagine her doing. Anyway, this thing called love.

I have always questioned what it means and looks like. I don't remember ever being stable in it or at least not seeing it as conditional or materialistic. This of course damaged my self-esteem tremendously as it ate at me day in and day out. Today I am convinced I am unlovable and seem to have given up on the whole idea.

Here's the thing. When I say that, the most common response I get is, "but what about your girls?" Yes, what about them? I love them or at least I think I do. I would do anything to try to protect them and provide for them even if it's at my own detriment. I want for them a much better life. I will also admit that I am not perfect and have not made the best choices but I can also say that I did what I could with what I had and knew at the time. I will never be the perfect parent but I do know I will always try to show them a life full of self-improvement, a life of fighting for better, and that they deserve so much more. I do love them and that love keeps me sane and fighting for me. That love gives me moments of clarity that I can grow from. I don't know if that's the "right" kind of love, but it's what I got.

So the next question is how do I love myself enough to take care of myself? This I do not know. What does it mean to truly love oneself? How do you love yourself without becoming so stuck up and snotty? How do I love myself without hurting those around me? How do I love myself so that I don't continue to hurt me? Good questions and ones I can not answer, at least not yet. Maybe someday I will be able to know what that means or even feels like. Maybe I will be able to love myself enough to not only do the simple things but to see a future full of promise and joy and energy, just like I want for my girls.

Love? What is love? How do I obtain it? How do I see it? What does it really mean for oneself? How do I show it to others? How do I receive it without getting scared? Someday....

One Direction

If you listen to the radio then you have heard the most overplayed song, "You don't know you're beautiful" by One Direction. I actually don't even know if that's the name of the song so please don't quote me on that, haha. Anyway, I have heard this song play over and over again and finally listened to the words. After processing and thinking, I dedicate it to all girls and women out there. Anyway that has or is struggling with their body image needs to listen to this song with new ears.

Yes, it's about falling in love and all that ooey gooey stuff, but think about it. All of us that suffer everyday with our bodies and hear the ugly inner dialogue repeatedly, don't know how others see us. Every one of us have people in our lives that see us completely different, and every one of those people have their answers if we were to ask them why they think we are beautiful. One friend may say it's because you are always there when I need you. Another may say because you are the funniest person I know and can make others laugh, even when they are down. You may have a spouse in your life that loves the way you look at him, or the way you smile when he looks at you. A co-worker may be a little more superficial with and love the way you do your make-up or how you accessorize your outfits. A family member will also have their reasons. The point is that no matter who you ask in your life, they will have an answer.

Like the song says, you are the one that doesn't know it. What if we were brave enough to ask someone else why they think we are beautiful? What if we kept a list of those reasons and put it on our bathroom mirrors? Would we have a better day? Would our days start out with feeling beautiful instead of ugly?

Just a thought but maybe we are much harder on ourselves then everyone else. Maybe we should start being who we are and not be afraid because our friends and family already see our beauty.

Through someone else's eyes

So the other day I posted about these days leading up to Mother's Day and my thoughts regarding being a parent. Oddly enough, I had a conversation with one of my daughter's that led me to tears, that same night. It has taken me a few days to process all what was said but I did want to follow up on here. There is hope in being a parent and no matter how I feel, my daughter's words will never leave me.

The conversation started out with a simple question she asked me. Since it's was a very personal conversation, I will be careful in what I say. Anyway, it ended up with me apologizing, again, for her past and childhood. I wanted her to know how sorry I am for not being the mother she deserves and that I didn't protect her from certain things that happened. I went on about how much I love her and appreciate her and notice all she has done and does do for her sisters and I. You see, she has always stood by my side and tried her best as young child to protect me. Anytime I was being verbally attacked, she stood closer and held either my hand or onto my leg so very tight with this look in her eyes. She took blame for things to protect her sisters and she has never really been afraid to express herself. The poor girl witnessed and experienced way more than any little girl should. Anyway, I just told her that I noticed all of it and how much I love her and was so very sorry. I wish that I could have been a better mother and a better person for her and her sisters.

Her response took me by complete surprise. First she told me to quit making her cry. Then she wondered what I was talking about. She said "you are the most amazing mother in the world." What? Really? Does she know who I really am? She also said that I have always been there for her and have always provided all her needs. She did go on with more things and statements, which in turn made me cry. I couldn't believe what she was saying, but it warmed my heart so much.

After picking myself up from the floor and processing the conversation as a whole, I am a proud mom. Despite anything I feel, despite her past, and despite my own personal issues, my daughter sees me as an amazing person. So everyday when I think about how much I suck or regret or feel I can't be a good mom, I just have to remember that through someone else's eyes, I am a different person than what I see.

Mother's Day is coming

As Mother's Day approaches, my history as a mother is on my mind. I have been thinking back to the beginning when it all started 15 years ago. First of all, it doesn't seem like it's been that long but the reality is that being a mother is all I have known in my adult life. You see, I got pregnant at age 18, not on purpose of course, but my pregnancy was definitely one of my life changing events.

Because this is an eating disorder blog, I will focus on that aspect of it. It was the first time I can remember eating and eating a lot. For some reason I gave myself permission to just eat. I gained a lot of weight, even too much for a "normal" pregnancy. I also discovered things about my body that I didn't know. Most importantly the miracle of growing another human being inside my abdomen. Because I was so young, I didn't experience my pregnancy the way I should have or wanted to. I was young and didn't know anything about what I was ultimately doing. I was concerned about my body and what it was doing to it. I was concerned about what I would look like afterwards. I was even bitter about what the baby was doing to my body.

As a parent, I did everything I thought a mother was supposed to do. I breastfed, I made sure she had everything she needed and then some, and I took care of her every need. After my second baby, my OCD really kicked into high gear. Yes, I have had the OCD for a very long time but didn't recognize it as that. Looking back I can see so many tendencies and behaviors. Anyway, high gear as in cleaning in the middle of night, making sure everything is spotless, afraid of germs, and so much more. I look back and wonder how I did all that I did and still gave to my children the way I did. Everything had to be perfect. I was the mom that had 2 diaper bags with me containing extra clothes, hair spray, hair brushes, hair pretties, shoes, socks, wipes, a first aid kit, tissues, and pretty much the kitchen sink....and yes I carried it all every time we went out. I felt like I was a good mom.

What the world didn't know is that I was dealing with so much pain on the inside. I kept it all bottled up and acted out with my eating disorder. I regret so much. I wish I could go back and spend more quality time with my girls instead of focusing on what we all looked like and what my house looked like and so on. I tried to hide so much.

Now that my girls are older and involved in school activities and other things, they do their own thing. They have been through pain just as I have and suffer from it. Eventually I fell apart and would just get sicker and sicker. I went into treatment leaving all that perfection and trying to be the best mom in the world behind. It was one of the hardest decisions of my life. Now I realize that I wasn't a good mom. I didn't provide for my girls the way a mom should. And even though I feel that way and have so much I wish I could take back and undo, there isn't a whole lot I feel I can do about it either. I feel stuck and incapable of giving them what they need. I think mostly because I don't even know what that is. What is healthy? How is one supposed to raise girls? How do I really fix the past? How do I clean up the messes? And how do I continue from where I am? So many regrets, questions, confusions, and feelings running through my head.

Ultimately, my girls have had a yucky life and at this point I feel like I can only hope and pray that as adults, they aren't too screwed up. I do see tendencies in them all, which scares me. But maybe, just maybe as they watch me go through recovery and heal, they will know they can to. My heart aches for my girls. They need so much more than I can give.

Eating Disorders

Today I have decided to write about all the media attention eating disorders have been given lately. There have been more and more stars opening up about their struggles, talk shows, like Dr. Phil, talking about it, and early morning news shows bringing attention to it. I think it's great that this illness is coming out in the public eye but I also know there is a long way to go. What I have seen, it seems to generally focus on the stereotype of what an eating disorder is and does not encompass the disease as a whole.

You see, people don't always have to look completely emaciated to have an eating disorder. Sadly, there is this medical list of how you qualify to be diagnosed and treated with one. I know there are people out there that suffer with this disease everyday without being helped because of it. There are people that ignore symptoms, make an excuse for their loved ones, or even encourage certain behaviors thinking they are helping. It's such a complex disease and unless you suffer yourself, there just is no understanding. And those of us that do suffer do have to accept that.

Admitting that I have issues with food is and was hard enough but when I got the official diagnosis, I was devastated. I did not want to accept it or share that news with anyone. It's not something I was proud of. I was embarrassed and shamed. That was until I learned more and more about it. As I kept seeking therapy and we took off layer after after, I was eventually admitted for treatment. There was no keeping it a secret anymore, at least to some people. I still tried to hide it and not let anyone know where I was for so long. I sort of disappeared off the face of the earth for about 6 weeks.

Today I am more open about it and even blog about it. I write because I know I am not the only one the silently suffers with ED. I want others to know that they aren't alone, even if it is a blog on a computer. I currently don't have an underweight body. I have medical problems and issues after years and years of abusing my body. My weight is embarrassing and people that see me would never believe I suffer. I slowly am trying to heal my body and seek the medical attention I need to get my body back in balance. It is something that is still extremely hard for me because I don't feel worth taking care of my body or myself. It's not a simple disease. It's very complex and takes a lot of time to heal from, to recover from.

Maybe I am just saying all this for myself. Maybe I need to be patient with myself throughout my recovery. Maybe I don't even understand what I go through everyday. The truth is I still try to ignore most of it. I try to ignore that there are things, thoughts, and behaviors that are related to ED that I pass off as normal or find some excuse for. I don't want to accept or admit that I have a mental illness, or two or three even, and the label that it provides. I hate the label. But I hate the disease even more and what it has done to my life. I could blame a lot of things and circumstances for it, but it also protected me for so long too. I am so torn, confused, alone, scared, and so much more with all that is involved with my mental illnesses.

What I do wish is that more people are informed and patient and accept that it exists. Especially me.

Being me?

My goal has always been to figure who I am throughout this recovery process. It's all I ever wanted and needed. Part of my conclusion in this process has been that it will be a life long journey with changes and growth. I won't be the same person tomorrow as I am today. But there are some basic things I am processing right now and even expressed during a conversation I had with someone yesterday.

You see I have always felt stuck being a person others want me to be. Fitting into some mold in order to have friends, or be included in things, or even be happy. What I am finding out more and more is who I am not more than who I am. But I guess that can be counted as discovery.

In this conversation, I expressed that I needed to be allowed to be who I am in any relationship. Anyone that came along side me would have to accept me for me and not expect for me to change or be someone else just to fit in. This other person was not happy. So I stopped sharing and starting thinking more and more. But what about others, is the question that came up in this conversation. So of course, with my constant obsessiveness and internal dialogue, I couldn't sleep last night thinking about this. Am I being selfish for wanting to me? This is not something that I know the answer to. I want my children to be who they are and what kind of example would I be setting if I wasn't being me? This person said, and I quote, "but I am worried about the girls, living in a car or on the streets." Wow, I thought. Am I that messed up that I wouldn't be responsible enough to make sure they had a place to live and food to eat? Is there something really that wrong with me? Have I done anything to show that this would happen? Talk about some serious self-doubt. While it crosses my mind that I am completely incapable of being a parent, other people suggesting this makes it much worse and confirms my own thoughts. I have so much to process and think about now that I am not even sure what to do. What's the next step?

All I want is to be me. Is to be able to be an artist, a mother, a loving, caring person to others, live by the ocean (which feeds my souls), enjoy my life, not be put into a bubble or mold, have others around me that I can laugh with, cry with, and eat with, and so much more. I am pretty sure I know what I want for my life and if another person wants to be part of that great. If not, then I need to find new people to be around.

I do know that 5 years from now I may not want the same things for my life. I do know that even next week I might change my mind. I just want to be me!

Everyday Battles

One of my biggest hurdles has been the frustration that I am not immediately recovered and that it really does take time and patience. I have been told that it takes time and to slow down since the beginning of this process but can't quite grasp it. I don't want to suffer anymore but the reality is that I haven't given myself a real chance at this yet. I haven't slowed down enough to really face my demons and accept things for what they are. While this is a current goal of mine and I plan on not moving forward with anything else until I am fully ready to...I still struggle immensely with facing them.

Today I forced myself out of the house to go for a run despite that I lost my IPod and had to do it without music. I looked for my daughter's IPod but I am pretty sure she takes hers to school. My anxiety grew and grew to the point of physical illness. I took a deep breath and stepped outside anyway. Why? Because I am fat. Because I regret eating yesterday and regret that I didn't workout all weekend. I went because of ED not because I wanted to. I do enjoy running, especially outside in the fresh air with my music going. I want to get to a point that I can do it because I like it again, not just because ED is pushing me.

Some of you may be wondering why I have so much anxiety without my music. This goes back to that constant internal dialogue that plays. I love running because it's me, the pavement, and my music and that's it. No thoughts, no anxiety, no problems. Without the music, I can't shut the internal dialogue up. It plays and plays and distracts me from enjoying myself.

Today the tape played over and over again about how selfish and fat I am. There are people in this world that are suffering way more than I am. They are dealing with cancer, illnesses, and other diseases that are just so devastating. Why am I so worried about being fat? Yes, I have been told a million times that I can't ignore myself because of others' problems. I still need to take care of myself because without that, I can't be there for other people. The one's in my opinion that need it more than me.

The reality is that yes, they are suffering and going through terrible things and I have and will continue to pray for those families. And someday I will be healthy enough and strong enough to be support for them. It is also a reality that I have to accept that I have mental illnesses and I too am suffering. I need help and support also. I don't think it's fair that there is a stereotype and even lack of knowledge with mental illnesses that society in general does not pay attention to or give enough credit to those of us that do suffer quietly.

Let me put in this disclaimer that I am not trying to or will never compare one illness with another. Mine isn't any better or worse than someone else, whether physical or mental. I fully understand that everyone has their own "stuff" they are dealing with and feel that everyone should be patient with everyone and show the same respect. Yes, I guess I am one of those, why can't we all just get along types. It is not my job to judge anyone for anything. I don't know their stories and I don't know their feelings. Everyone has a right to their own feelings, struggles, views, etc. And I for one don't want to be told otherwise.

My heart hurts for those that are facing cancer, tumors, and any other disease right now. My heart aches for those that have a lack of understanding. My heart is sad for those that think their lives are more important than anyone around them. My heart is heavy and conflicted. I will continue to pray for what my heart hurts for and I will also continue to not ignore myself either. I need to continue this slow path I am on right now and take things day by day, one step at a time.

So whether or not any of that makes any sense, it goes through my head. Balancing my life and finding a place to fit in this world. I question way to many things and battle way to many demons. Where's the line between being selfish and taking care of yourself? Today, my battle is this question of selfishness and what that means?

Educating Myself

I have typed up and deleted this blog several times. If I am completely honest it's because of my perfectionism and fear of being open about this topic as silly as it seems. So here we go with another attempt.

Vitamins. Yes vitamins. Silly I know. Something most people take everyday. Something I give my kids everyday. Why? Because I want to ensure their health and their bodies are getting everything they need. They are children after all and are pretty picky about what they eat. As they have gotten older they are less picky and understand the benefits of eating vegetables. Anyway, this isn't about them it's about me. Vitamins. Yuck!

What is my big aversion to vitamins and does it affect my recovery? I am not sure where my original fear came from but I definitely fear taking pills in general. It doesn't matter if it's Tylenol, vitamins, anti-depressants, antibiotics, etc. Anything in pill form. I even refused as many pills as I could while I was in treatment, even the vitamins.

Maybe it's the stereotypical, you're crazy if you take them, or maybe it's because some you have to take with food to prevent getting ill. It could be this idea that will make me fat or even the fear of they will make me feel better. I have many things about them while growing up and currently. I have heard things like, only crazy people take pills, vitamins will make you sick, if you just put your faith in God you don't need them, they are poison in your body, and you are fine! There is so much more I heard and hear that just plain old confuse me about whether or not I need them.

I recently had some blood work done and they came back with severe vitamin deficiency's. Big shocker for someone with an eating disorder. I was surprised though. So my doctor suggested a vitamin regimen that will help bring things back to normal levels. At first I immediately purchased them and started. Because of my fears I also quit eating, which of course landed me in bed for a couple of days ill. Yes, they will make you sick on on empty stomach. My battle is knowing why I need them and how to take them.

Apparently vitamins can effect your health in so many ways. Certain ones in certain areas and if even one is low or out of balance you will feel it in one way or another. It surprises me how much vitamins make your body work. I have since been doing research and learning as much as I can about the effects. Because of all this research I have experienced so many thoughts, emotions, and even some confusion. I plan on educating myself more so that I am fully aware of my body and how to keep it healthy.

I have as of yet to start taking my vitamins again but I know I need to. I fear getting sick again and I fear gaining weight. I fear judgement and people's reactions but I have to remember that not many people know and truly understand how complex our bodies are. Every person has a different body and has different needs to keep it healthy. Some people naturally lack a certain vitamin or chemical and need extra. There is a crazy stigma of taking vitamins and/pills but there is great need for some people to stay healthy. Now I am going all out there saying that I am several medications for brain chemicals, anxiety, and of course the vitamins. I take them because I need them and I know what I feel and how I behave without them. I don't tell anyone because of the fear but now I guess the whole world knows. It's not a bad thing if you need them and it doesn't mean you are crazy.

Ultimately, I am me and part of that means doing what I need to keep my body in balance and healthy no matter how scary or even embarrassing it is. I will fight and continue on in my journey, even with vitamins and other medications.

Simplicity

Here's a really raw blog post. I am going to be painfully honest all because of my phone. Odd, I know, but here we go....

So as some of you already know, I do not currently have a phone. It wasn't supposed to be this way but due to finances I couldn't pay the entire bill so I paid a portion of it thinking it would be okay. Well, news to me it's not and now it's shut off. Backing up a little, I had also decided to sell my new fancy smart phone/tablet for several reasons. One is the obvious, money. As helpful as it is for someone like me, I just can't afford it. But here is a bigger reason...I have issues. Haha, yes I know, you all know that, hence the blog. These issues involve my phone.

I have been diagnosed with many things, depression, OCD, anxiety, PTSD, self-harm, and an eating disorder. Wow! There's the painfully honest part. Yes, all these things are a part of me and it has been my journey to learn how to deal with them and live with them. They all effect every part of my life, my decisions, my behaviors, my thoughts, and so much more. It's kind of scary for me sometimes and it's easier for me to crawl into my bed and hide from the world. You see, I also have a constant internal dialogue that does not stop even while I sleep. They haunt me in my dreams. Learning all of this about myself has been pretty recent as the focus has mostly been just on the eating disorder. The diagnosis' did come years ago, but to actually accept and understand what they mean are much more complex. I am starting to grasp the concept of slowing down so that I can truly focus on recovery. This is a whole new stage in my recovery but I am willing to face all these demons and issues that have been haunting me for so long.

So what's the connection between all my issues and my phone? These new fancy smart phones beep and constantly let you know of something, a new message, a new email, your turn on games, a phone call, a voice mail, and so on and so on. There was always a notification or a beep or something on my phone. I don't know if it's my OCD or what but I can't stand those little symbols on my phone. I was constantly checking it and clearing each one off so my phone didn't "look" messy. It was extremely overwhelming and interrupted parts of my life. So I made the decisions that because of money and issues, I would sell my fancy phone and go back to the basics since that is my goal right now. Back to the basics of life, slow down, and breath. The more I can eliminate out of my life that will contribute to my OCD, my internal dialogue, my anxiety and all the other things I deal with every day, the better I can really focus on my recovery and learn to function, really function.

All of this is very scary for me and I feel very selfish and unproductive, but someone keeps reminding me that I need to focus on myself for a while in order to be around for my girls and those that love me. It's true. I can't be the parent I want to be if all this other "stuff" crowds my mind. So for now my life needs to be as simple as I can make it and I need to be okay with going slow and feeling unproductive, because ultimately I am being productive.

Emotions?

This morning I witnessed a very sad event that involved a dog being hit by a car. I stopped to see if I could help and so did a few other people. As the lady walking this dog scooped up her what seemed to be lifeless pet, jumped in a car with both her dogs. I had so many emotions run through me all at once. This poor dog was on a leash and with his owner and another dog. I couldn't believe it. I don't know if this dog will be okay but I hope and pray for the family's sake he is.

I immediately flashed back to when my dog, Chippy, was hit. He was hit because he escaped my home and ran into the street. Fortunately, after over an hour of looking for him, I found him sitting under a car and he hobbled over to me and jumped in my arms. I took him the animal er and much to my surprise only had some scrapes and bruises and a little swelling. My girls and I brought him home and nursed him back to health. I am so happy that he is fine and enjoying his new life with his new family running around in a big yard with two cute little boys.

Anger also hit me. Why can't people be more careful? This dog was on a leash with his owner going for his morning walk. He didn't run into the street or escape his front door. Why is that "we" are always in a hurry and aren't paying enough attention not just to people walking their dogs, but also children walking or biking to school. I am angry that so many children have been hit and even killed by drivers not being careful. It is our job and responsibility as drivers to pay attention and slow down around children and yes, even pets. So put down your phone, your breakfast, your makeup, and whatever else you are doing and pay attention to the road.

Of course sadness overwhelmed me for several reasons. Seeing the poor dog being held by his owner looking lifeless. What did he do to deserve to be hit on what is probably the best part his day? I am sad for the owner. The emotions that she must be feeling and the not knowing what to do. I have been there and know what it feels like. After all she was not near her home and she had another dog with her. I am sad for any other family member that the dogs live with, if there are any, especially if there are children that love that dog. The sadness they will all feel if he doesn't make it. I am sad for the other dog that will miss his playmate. I am sad for the driver that did hit him. I am sad for all the people that witnessed this event. And yes, I did cry.

Which is what brings me to why I decided to write about it. In the past, I wouldn't have cared. Well, that may not be entirely true, I would have cared but not cared, if that makes any sense. Not because I lack compassion or empathy but because was sick. Emotions were non-existent. Through out recovery I have been learning that it's okay to experience my emotions but I have struggled and struggled with this concept. I have reached a point of being stuck in my recovery and haven't been able to jump over the line to keep going.

I cried this morning and have cried the last few weeks more about things that I have not cried about before. Well, really I just don't cry. I have been told the last few years that it's okay to cry and let go of my emotions. Phrases like, crying is healing have been thrown my way. My response has always been, well it might work for you, or I just don't cry, or even my tear ducts are broken. But lately....what is going on? Well, with my recent blood tests and having some answers to what has been going on with my body has me doing some different and new things to get my body back in balance. Well, it seems to be working. I am feeling emotions I haven't felt before, have more energy, and am able to focus a little more. It's a whole new world for me and sometimes, well all the time, I feel a little crazy. It's a new stage in my recovery and as of right now I don't know what to do. But I will know what to do and am willing to learn.

I will end by saying first of all, drivers be careful! And second, I never thought it would be possible for my body to get back in balance but it is and I am willing to keep fighting for myself, whatever that looks like.