As most of my followers know, and anyone that knows me knows, I do not like feelings. Whatever I need to do to not feel them, good or bad, I do it. This last couple of days I have tried to give myself permission to cry, to feel, to experience all the emotions of a broken heart. I must say, it is not easy. Spontaneously crying at work is horrible and embarrassing. Trying to fall asleep thinking of anything else only to dream about them and even worse, waking up thinking about it before stepping my feet on the floor. This has got to be the most intense feelings I have experienced and it's pretty exhausting.
My first thoughts in the morning should be positive and happy, or at least in my fantasy world they are. I want to think of sunshine and rainbows not sadness and uncertainty and confusion. Confusion is the worst for me. It drags me down and I start believing things that are really true.
Yesterday I did wake up happy. This morning, not so much. I was sad, frustrated, talking myself in circles about what why before I even opened my eyes. Shed a few tears then decided to get up instead of lay there sad and depressed. You see, I have decided that I have to fight this depression and continually tell myself that I am worth so much more. I am still worth getting up and doing my hair, make-up, saying good morning to my girls, getting breakfast and so on.
The truth is, I deserve to be treated like a queen and it has to start with me. I can't buy into the lies that I have believed for so long. I am tired of being treated like I don't matter, like my feelings, desires, wants, needs, and even likes don't matter. They do matter! I have to believe that. I have to continue to tell myself that every moment of every day. I deserve respect of love from someone special and someday, I hope to experience that kind of love, to be treated like the queen and special person that I am.
This is why I finally let myself feel all the pain, brokenness, heartache, lies, hatred, disrespect, and so on and on and on. No matter how others treat me, I am worth and deserve way more and will stand for nothing less. I will keep people in my life that matter to me and accept me for who I am, screw ups and all. People that forgive, respect, love, and enjoy my company. I don't need to be someone I am not and I do not need to put up anything less, like I have for so long.
Easy? Anything but! With my determination, strength, support from others, and respect for myself and my girls, I will fight and continue to fight for me!
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Mourning
These last few days have been very emotional, or I should say that I have allowed myself to feel the emotions and cry. Well, at least for a short time. I finally realized something that I wish I would have a long time ago. Something that has caused great hurt, pain, and inner turmoil. Because of this I was able to take a huge step in finally beginning the healing process. Due to the extreme personal nature of the issue, I will not share what it is, only that is has been a long time coming and I hope that I can continue to grow and heal from it.
Yes, this has greatly affected my recovery and I hate to admit, it has caused a relapse. The guilt and shame is so overwhelming that I am not sure how to deal with it and even how to deal with it along with the other pressing issue that I am facing. What I do know is that life is complicated and so not complicated at the same time. I make it complicated and need to learn how to just breath.
I have been through enough recovery and have been taught so many tools from so many people that I just need to sit back, breath, and slow down. Take one thing at a time, one day at a time, and one phone call at a time. I am not saying that from here on out my life will be easy, it won't be. It's not easy to deal with the pain I am dealing with. It's not easy to raise three girls on my own, figure out how to be a responsible adult, go to work everyday even though I want to hide from the world, or even get up in the morning. It's not easy trying to figure out how to pay the utilities when there just isn't money or how to decide what my girls need and don't need to succeed in school. It's not easy to tell them, sorry, but yes, you are having rice again for dinner. All these things make me feel extremely inadequate as a parent and even more so knowing that I don't have the support from a spouse or father.
My life is one big complicated mess and I need to learn how to take each mess, one at a time, and deal with it with what I have. Whether it's a hug for my girls, or being grateful that we have rice when others have nothing, or crying when I need to so I can finally release so many years of stuffed down pain and hurt.
Someone told me that I need to give myself permission to mourn my past and everything I have been through. In her words, "crap". In my opinion, crap is a nice way of putting it because the truth is, I have been through more than any one person should be allowed. To mourn it all seems unfair and not right, but she is right. I won't be able to truly move on if I don't do it and I believe that I have already started that process, I just need to strength to keep going.
What I hope is that this is a new beginning for me. I hope that I can let go, mourn, and forgive others and myself.
Yes, this has greatly affected my recovery and I hate to admit, it has caused a relapse. The guilt and shame is so overwhelming that I am not sure how to deal with it and even how to deal with it along with the other pressing issue that I am facing. What I do know is that life is complicated and so not complicated at the same time. I make it complicated and need to learn how to just breath.
I have been through enough recovery and have been taught so many tools from so many people that I just need to sit back, breath, and slow down. Take one thing at a time, one day at a time, and one phone call at a time. I am not saying that from here on out my life will be easy, it won't be. It's not easy to deal with the pain I am dealing with. It's not easy to raise three girls on my own, figure out how to be a responsible adult, go to work everyday even though I want to hide from the world, or even get up in the morning. It's not easy trying to figure out how to pay the utilities when there just isn't money or how to decide what my girls need and don't need to succeed in school. It's not easy to tell them, sorry, but yes, you are having rice again for dinner. All these things make me feel extremely inadequate as a parent and even more so knowing that I don't have the support from a spouse or father.
My life is one big complicated mess and I need to learn how to take each mess, one at a time, and deal with it with what I have. Whether it's a hug for my girls, or being grateful that we have rice when others have nothing, or crying when I need to so I can finally release so many years of stuffed down pain and hurt.
Someone told me that I need to give myself permission to mourn my past and everything I have been through. In her words, "crap". In my opinion, crap is a nice way of putting it because the truth is, I have been through more than any one person should be allowed. To mourn it all seems unfair and not right, but she is right. I won't be able to truly move on if I don't do it and I believe that I have already started that process, I just need to strength to keep going.
What I hope is that this is a new beginning for me. I hope that I can let go, mourn, and forgive others and myself.
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