Monday, February 4, 2013

Single...Good or Bad?

There have been many nights these past four years that I have gone to bed sad, angry, lonely, filled with hate, and even plain old numb. It has been an extreme roller coaster ride for sure. What am I talking about? Being single. No, just being single, getting divorced with small children and being single.

This is a status I never wanted or planned for my life, as it is with others that have gone through a divorce.

I have struggled so much with trying to embrace the truth. Accepting that I am now single raising my children on my own has been almost impossible. After all, children are supposed to have both parents and I am supposed to have a back up and a partner in this life. My anger really hits at times like when I am sick and my girls need something and I either can't do it or have to do it anyway or times when they cry and are sad that their dad is gone.

I tried to be super mom through this but this last week I have been so very exhausted and have had this painful headache all week. My daughter was needing something and acting like a "normal" teenager and normally I would calmly tell her that I would do it right now or as soon as I could. That is not what happened. I told her that I am only one person and this is a single parent household and I can't do everything, things are different!

The guilt I felt for saying that to her was so overwhelming. They shouldn't have to suffer from their parent's mistakes. Just because I am a single mom, they shouldn't experience life different. Well, the truth is that it is different. I can't change that. I am a single, divorced mom with children that are suffering emotionally still from the whole thing and are going through their own millions of emotions. I need to embrace this truth and accept that I can't provide a life for myself or for them the way a dual parent household can.

Of course I will still have emotions running through my head, but I can also make a list of things I like about being single to remind me that I am okay; that the girls are okay; and that I've got this and can take care of me.

So here is my list so far of what I like:

1. I really like that if I get up in the middle of the night because I can't sleep, that I can turn my music on and read, type, get a drink, and even go to the bathroom with making my husband mad and cranky for disturbing him.

2, I like having the bed to myself and being able stretch out as much as my body needs (unless of course one of my daughter's sneaks in with me because they can't sleep)

3. I can make whatever I want for dinner without being told, "That is not real dinner." All the moms out there know what I am talking about...yes, a bowl of cereal and a piece of fruit can be a perfectly normal and balanced dinner.

Well, that's all I have so far but I can always add to this list. I can be okay with telling my children that I am only one person and just can't do what two people can. I can go to be bed with a smile on my face knowing that being single isn't so bad or embarrassing as I think it is. Keeping in my 2012 motto, "I've got this", I really do got this. Adding my 2013 motto to that, "It's time for me", I can truly embrace being single and start to really take care of my needs and stand up for them, even to my children.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

"It's Time"

Probably over thinking this whole New Year's Resolution thing since I don't really make resolutions, but motto's for the year, I think I have come up with one. 

"It's Time!!!!"

And yes, this is thanks to a few conversations with a few different people. This encompasses quite a few things. One of which is overcoming guilt. I need to quit feeling so guilty over everything! For example, just today I spent the morning at the doctor's office because of some strange new allergic reaction I have been having. Between the time and money that I spent on myself, I feel guilty. Guilty taking care of me and guilty spending money on myself. Things I don't deserve, even if it is for my health. It's not true though. I do deserve to be healthy and to take care of myself. It's time to really take care of my body, mind, and soul. Not because it's for my girls, or friends, or co-workers, but for me; because I deserve it!

It's amazing to me the amount of guilt I feel everyday. It's so heavy and I just don't want it anymore. I want to be able to do things that keep me healthy and even alive (need to carry an Epi-Pen with me now). I want to be active and healthy and around for my girls when they are older. I want them to know that it's okay to take care of themselves too. They can only learn by example. 

While my girls have been and will continue to be a huge motivation for me, 'it's time' for me to do for me because of me. 

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Not Anymore...

Guilt! That dreadful feeling when you have not done something to the standards of another person. That is not the dictionary meaning, but my meaning. It's what it means to me.

Living with guilt most of my life has caused me to retreat, hide, internalize, self-hate, have low self-esteem, and not good enough. Guilt has become such a normal and unnoticeable emotion for me. Since the beginning of my recovery, it has been on the table. I have been told more times than I count that I need to stop feeling so guilty, especially over things I can't control. So a huge part of my journey is learning to separate guilt from reality.

I don't think that I completely know what that means yet, but I do know that I have been standing up for myself more lately. It is times when situations happen that I am forced to either retreat or stand up for myself that I can now recognize more what guilt is and how it has played into who I am.

Not anymore! I don't want to live with this feeling of guilt hanging over my head all the time. I no longer want to ignore my own feelings and emotions because it doesn't fit into someone else's plan. I have feelings. I have emotions and I will not let anyone tell me otherwise. I am not going to apologize for having feelings.

The process of becoming who I am and who I want to be is hard, but I can now understand more and more of what that means.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

"Concrete Angel"

As promised...finally a blog about a beautiful song!
Listen to the song as you read

She walks to school with the lunch she packed
Nobody knows what she's holding back
Wearing the same dress she wore yesterday
She hides the bruises with the linen and lace, oh

The teacher wonders but she doesn't ask
It's hard to see the pain behind the mask
Bearing the burden of a secret storm
Sometimes she wishes she was never born

Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place
Where she's loved concrete angel

Somebody cries in the middle of the night
The neighbors hear but they turn out the light
A fragile soul caught in the hands of fate
When morning comes it will be too late

Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place
Where she's loved concrete angel

A statue stands in a shaded place
An angel girl with an upturned face
A name is written on a polished rock
A broken heart that the world forgot

Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place
Where she's loved concrete angel

This song is so powerful and I wish that more people took action not only of the physical abuse, but also the verbal and emotional abuse they suspect. Through this whole song, this little girls is ignored, the bruises are ignored, the clothes are ignored. It's very heart breaking and sadly it happens every day to so many children, including mine (past experiences). People need to speak up!

Okay, off my soap box and onto the blog.

Sadly, I can relate to this video, the words sung, and the a million and one emotions. While I was fortunate enough to not suffer the fate she did, I carry emotional scars that I have trouble every day managing. I hid my sufferings, smiled, and pretended like nothing was wrong. I learned how to do that very young as I believe many abused children and even adults learn how to do.

Most of my personal experience has been verbal and emotional abuse with some physical as well. There were times I remember trying to reach out for help, but never really knew what to say or how to say it. The closest I ever came, I was shot down so I really never tried again. I learned how to not cry, take it, and smile. After thinking I had no hope for anything, I left home and went into a situation not much different. I thought it was because it didn't look the same, but still same results. I died more and more inside. I didn't suffer physical death like the poor little girl, but I did die inside.

I know what it's like to feel so black and empty through and through. Trying everything I could think of to diminish any feeling that came up, I developed my eating disorder, ocd, self-harm, and so many other things I could do to cover up the extreme self-hatred. You see, I blamed myself. Everything was my fault. I wasn't good enough, smart enough, quiet enough, perfect enough, pretty enough, thin enough, etc. If I was smarter, prettier, a better housekeeper...maybe then I would be loved, maybe then they would be nice, maybe then they would talk to me, look at me.

I still have nightmares. It's very hard to forget and to believe I am worth anything different. Especially after marrying into a similar situation. When it became different for is when I saw my girls going through hell. They became old enough to express how they feel, and I am so grateful she did. She wasn't afraid to tell me things. Of course it was in little bits here and there, and I regret that I didn't catch on earlier. It was after I started trying to fix the situation, things became worse for me and for my girls.

The harder I tried, the more I died inside. I felt things were only getting worse and all I could do was smile, cover up anything, and walk through each day. I tried for my girls, but when their bruises were seen and nothing was done, I was completely devastated and gave up. Nothing was going to change and I wasn't worth anything different.

I have an angel, just like that little girl did, only mine did not take me to other side...she is someone that did fight for me and speak up and did whatever she needed to. Because of her, I am not dead and my girls and I are in a better situation. Yes, I struggle everyday raising them and figuring out how to be not only an adult, but a parent to children that suffered what they have. It's very difficult to say the least. I fight every day to put one foot in front of the other and to keep myself safe. I also screw up. I make mistakes everyday and fall back down, but my angel is still with me. She never ran away and continues to support me no matter what I do.

No matter who you are, what you have done and experienced, EVERYONE needs an angel. Everyone deserves a chance to learn that they aren't a waste of space, or not good enough, or anything negative. While I struggle everyday still, I still continue to fight with my angel and have hope that someday it won't be everyday. Someday it will just be a story that can encourage others and most importantly, I hope to be someone else's angel.

Thursday, January 3, 2013


I have always believed in miracles, I have seen them all around me, but I have never thought I was worth any of them.

The most recent devastating news in my household was that I was losing my apartment. My girls were going to go stay with their dad and I had no idea where I was going. I really thought I was going to live in my car. My heart was completely broken and I cried so much and so hard I literally have been dehydrated. On top of that, I spent the other day sick with a stomach bug so of course it added to my degrading health. This is a kind of stress I have not experienced before. The thought of being so incapable and inadequate as a parent, as a person, is beyond devastating. There just aren't words to express the emotions and feelings I experience.

Starting with the good news, yes, a miracle has been blessed upon me and my girls and I will be able to stay in my apartment. Again, no words for the feelings and emotions that go with the relief I have for my girls.

Still a struggle. My emotions and feelings are still all over the place and even though I have a place to live, I can't shake the feeling of complete inadequacy. I still do not feel worthy of any help or miracles and I do not feel like I know how to be a grown up, a single mom, or anything that requires me to function as head of household. I shouldn't need help. I should be able to do this on my own.

Backing up a bit, I knew this was coming a few weeks ago or so. There was not enough money to cover rent in January so I spent these last few weeks doing everything I knew to try to get enough. I put up my furniture on Craigslist, had garage sales, and tried to sell anything and everything, including my bed. Anything to give my girls the stability they need and deserve. The closer January came, the more sad I got. I finally had to do something because I knew I didn't have enough. I had a "moving sale" and finally told the girls what would be happening. It was there reaction that hurt me the most.

They cried and cried. After crying a couple of days, they talked to me about how they felt. My oldest said that I could sell all her Christmas gifts before she went and lived with her dad. She shared a lot more and due the the personal nature of it all, I won't share on here but I cried some more. I have failed her and my other daughters. I couldn't protect them. No matter how hard I tried and worked to be a good person and help them get through their issues, I failed them. The worst feeling as a mother I couldn't experience.

On Christmas, we were blessed by others with really nice gifts, even I was spoiled. I had a hard time enjoying them because I knew what lied ahead. In the back of my head, I told myself that I may be living in my car but I would always have coffee with my new Kuerig. When my children were willing to sell their items to help, I was crushed and blessed at the same time. (fortunately, it did not come to that and they still have their gifts)

Yes, all of this has caused more than a relapse, if that's possible. All of my self hatred is generally the cause of relapse and when it gets so deep and in my face, I give in. I give in to the old habits. I know that I need to pick myself up and move forward. This has been one of the hardest things I have had to deal with and I hope that with all the love and support from my friends and support people, I can do this. I can move on from what has been a really almost torturous end of 2012.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Put up your gloves!

As most of my followers know, and anyone that knows me knows, I do not like feelings. Whatever I need to do to not feel them, good or bad, I do it. This last couple of days I have tried to give myself permission to cry, to feel, to experience all the emotions of a broken heart. I must say, it is not easy. Spontaneously crying at work is horrible and embarrassing. Trying to fall asleep thinking of anything else only to dream about them and even worse, waking up thinking about it before stepping my feet on the floor. This has got to be the most intense feelings I have experienced and it's pretty exhausting.

My first thoughts in the morning should be positive and happy, or at least in my fantasy world they are. I want to think of sunshine and rainbows not sadness and uncertainty and confusion. Confusion is the worst for me. It drags me down and I start believing things that are really true.

Yesterday I did wake up happy. This morning, not so much. I was sad, frustrated, talking myself in circles about what why before I even opened my eyes. Shed a few tears then decided to get up instead of lay there sad and depressed. You see, I have decided that I have to fight this depression and continually tell myself that I am worth so much more. I am still worth getting up and doing my hair, make-up, saying good morning to my girls, getting breakfast and so on.

The truth is, I deserve to be treated like a queen and it has to start with me. I can't buy into the lies that I have believed for so long. I am tired of being treated like I don't matter, like my feelings, desires, wants, needs, and even likes don't matter. They do matter! I have to believe that. I have to continue to tell myself that every moment of every day. I deserve respect of love from someone special and someday, I hope to experience that kind of love, to be treated like the queen and special person that I am.

This is why I finally let myself feel all the pain, brokenness, heartache, lies, hatred, disrespect, and so on and on and on. No matter how others treat me, I am worth and deserve way more and will stand for nothing less. I will keep people in my life that matter to me and accept me for who I am, screw ups and all. People that forgive, respect, love, and enjoy my company. I don't need to be someone I am not and I do not need to put up anything less, like I have for so long.

Easy? Anything but! With my determination, strength, support from others, and respect for myself and my girls, I will fight and continue to fight for me!

Tuesday, December 18, 2012


These last few days have been very emotional, or I should say that I have allowed myself to feel the emotions and cry. Well, at least for a short time. I finally realized something that I wish I would have a long time ago. Something that has caused great hurt, pain, and inner turmoil. Because of this I was able to take a huge step in finally beginning the healing process. Due to the extreme personal nature of the issue, I will not share what it is, only that is has been a long time coming and I hope that I can continue to grow and heal from it.

Yes, this has greatly affected my recovery and I hate to admit, it has caused a relapse. The guilt and shame is so overwhelming that I am not sure how to deal with it and even how to deal with it along with the other pressing issue that I am facing. What I do know is that life is complicated and so not complicated at the same time. I make it complicated and need to learn how to just breath.

I have been through enough recovery and have been taught so many tools from so many people that I just need to sit back, breath, and slow down. Take one thing at a time, one day at a time, and one phone call at a time. I am not saying that from here on out my life will be easy, it won't be. It's not easy to deal with the pain I am dealing with. It's not easy to raise three girls on my own, figure out how to be a responsible adult, go to work everyday even though I want to hide from the world, or even get up in the morning. It's not easy trying to figure out how to pay the utilities when there just isn't money or how to decide what my girls need and don't need to succeed in school. It's not easy to tell them, sorry, but yes, you are having rice again for dinner. All these things make me feel extremely inadequate as a parent and even more so knowing that I don't have the support from a spouse or father.

My life is one big complicated mess and I need to learn how to take each mess, one at a time, and deal with it with what I have. Whether it's a hug for my girls, or being grateful that we have rice when others have nothing, or crying when I need to so I can finally release so many years of stuffed down pain and hurt.

Someone told me that I need to give myself permission to mourn my past and everything I have been through. In her words, "crap". In my opinion, crap is a nice way of putting it because the truth is, I have been through more than any one person should be allowed. To mourn it all seems unfair and not right, but she is right. I won't be able to truly move on if I don't do it and I believe that I have already started that process, I just need to strength to keep going.

What I hope is that this is a new beginning for me. I hope that I can let go, mourn, and forgive others and myself.