Being me?

My goal has always been to figure who I am throughout this recovery process. It's all I ever wanted and needed. Part of my conclusion in this process has been that it will be a life long journey with changes and growth. I won't be the same person tomorrow as I am today. But there are some basic things I am processing right now and even expressed during a conversation I had with someone yesterday.

You see I have always felt stuck being a person others want me to be. Fitting into some mold in order to have friends, or be included in things, or even be happy. What I am finding out more and more is who I am not more than who I am. But I guess that can be counted as discovery.

In this conversation, I expressed that I needed to be allowed to be who I am in any relationship. Anyone that came along side me would have to accept me for me and not expect for me to change or be someone else just to fit in. This other person was not happy. So I stopped sharing and starting thinking more and more. But what about others, is the question that came up in this conversation. So of course, with my constant obsessiveness and internal dialogue, I couldn't sleep last night thinking about this. Am I being selfish for wanting to me? This is not something that I know the answer to. I want my children to be who they are and what kind of example would I be setting if I wasn't being me? This person said, and I quote, "but I am worried about the girls, living in a car or on the streets." Wow, I thought. Am I that messed up that I wouldn't be responsible enough to make sure they had a place to live and food to eat? Is there something really that wrong with me? Have I done anything to show that this would happen? Talk about some serious self-doubt. While it crosses my mind that I am completely incapable of being a parent, other people suggesting this makes it much worse and confirms my own thoughts. I have so much to process and think about now that I am not even sure what to do. What's the next step?

All I want is to be me. Is to be able to be an artist, a mother, a loving, caring person to others, live by the ocean (which feeds my souls), enjoy my life, not be put into a bubble or mold, have others around me that I can laugh with, cry with, and eat with, and so much more. I am pretty sure I know what I want for my life and if another person wants to be part of that great. If not, then I need to find new people to be around.

I do know that 5 years from now I may not want the same things for my life. I do know that even next week I might change my mind. I just want to be me!

Everyday Battles

One of my biggest hurdles has been the frustration that I am not immediately recovered and that it really does take time and patience. I have been told that it takes time and to slow down since the beginning of this process but can't quite grasp it. I don't want to suffer anymore but the reality is that I haven't given myself a real chance at this yet. I haven't slowed down enough to really face my demons and accept things for what they are. While this is a current goal of mine and I plan on not moving forward with anything else until I am fully ready to...I still struggle immensely with facing them.

Today I forced myself out of the house to go for a run despite that I lost my IPod and had to do it without music. I looked for my daughter's IPod but I am pretty sure she takes hers to school. My anxiety grew and grew to the point of physical illness. I took a deep breath and stepped outside anyway. Why? Because I am fat. Because I regret eating yesterday and regret that I didn't workout all weekend. I went because of ED not because I wanted to. I do enjoy running, especially outside in the fresh air with my music going. I want to get to a point that I can do it because I like it again, not just because ED is pushing me.

Some of you may be wondering why I have so much anxiety without my music. This goes back to that constant internal dialogue that plays. I love running because it's me, the pavement, and my music and that's it. No thoughts, no anxiety, no problems. Without the music, I can't shut the internal dialogue up. It plays and plays and distracts me from enjoying myself.

Today the tape played over and over again about how selfish and fat I am. There are people in this world that are suffering way more than I am. They are dealing with cancer, illnesses, and other diseases that are just so devastating. Why am I so worried about being fat? Yes, I have been told a million times that I can't ignore myself because of others' problems. I still need to take care of myself because without that, I can't be there for other people. The one's in my opinion that need it more than me.

The reality is that yes, they are suffering and going through terrible things and I have and will continue to pray for those families. And someday I will be healthy enough and strong enough to be support for them. It is also a reality that I have to accept that I have mental illnesses and I too am suffering. I need help and support also. I don't think it's fair that there is a stereotype and even lack of knowledge with mental illnesses that society in general does not pay attention to or give enough credit to those of us that do suffer quietly.

Let me put in this disclaimer that I am not trying to or will never compare one illness with another. Mine isn't any better or worse than someone else, whether physical or mental. I fully understand that everyone has their own "stuff" they are dealing with and feel that everyone should be patient with everyone and show the same respect. Yes, I guess I am one of those, why can't we all just get along types. It is not my job to judge anyone for anything. I don't know their stories and I don't know their feelings. Everyone has a right to their own feelings, struggles, views, etc. And I for one don't want to be told otherwise.

My heart hurts for those that are facing cancer, tumors, and any other disease right now. My heart aches for those that have a lack of understanding. My heart is sad for those that think their lives are more important than anyone around them. My heart is heavy and conflicted. I will continue to pray for what my heart hurts for and I will also continue to not ignore myself either. I need to continue this slow path I am on right now and take things day by day, one step at a time.

So whether or not any of that makes any sense, it goes through my head. Balancing my life and finding a place to fit in this world. I question way to many things and battle way to many demons. Where's the line between being selfish and taking care of yourself? Today, my battle is this question of selfishness and what that means?

Educating Myself

I have typed up and deleted this blog several times. If I am completely honest it's because of my perfectionism and fear of being open about this topic as silly as it seems. So here we go with another attempt.

Vitamins. Yes vitamins. Silly I know. Something most people take everyday. Something I give my kids everyday. Why? Because I want to ensure their health and their bodies are getting everything they need. They are children after all and are pretty picky about what they eat. As they have gotten older they are less picky and understand the benefits of eating vegetables. Anyway, this isn't about them it's about me. Vitamins. Yuck!

What is my big aversion to vitamins and does it affect my recovery? I am not sure where my original fear came from but I definitely fear taking pills in general. It doesn't matter if it's Tylenol, vitamins, anti-depressants, antibiotics, etc. Anything in pill form. I even refused as many pills as I could while I was in treatment, even the vitamins.

Maybe it's the stereotypical, you're crazy if you take them, or maybe it's because some you have to take with food to prevent getting ill. It could be this idea that will make me fat or even the fear of they will make me feel better. I have many things about them while growing up and currently. I have heard things like, only crazy people take pills, vitamins will make you sick, if you just put your faith in God you don't need them, they are poison in your body, and you are fine! There is so much more I heard and hear that just plain old confuse me about whether or not I need them.

I recently had some blood work done and they came back with severe vitamin deficiency's. Big shocker for someone with an eating disorder. I was surprised though. So my doctor suggested a vitamin regimen that will help bring things back to normal levels. At first I immediately purchased them and started. Because of my fears I also quit eating, which of course landed me in bed for a couple of days ill. Yes, they will make you sick on on empty stomach. My battle is knowing why I need them and how to take them.

Apparently vitamins can effect your health in so many ways. Certain ones in certain areas and if even one is low or out of balance you will feel it in one way or another. It surprises me how much vitamins make your body work. I have since been doing research and learning as much as I can about the effects. Because of all this research I have experienced so many thoughts, emotions, and even some confusion. I plan on educating myself more so that I am fully aware of my body and how to keep it healthy.

I have as of yet to start taking my vitamins again but I know I need to. I fear getting sick again and I fear gaining weight. I fear judgement and people's reactions but I have to remember that not many people know and truly understand how complex our bodies are. Every person has a different body and has different needs to keep it healthy. Some people naturally lack a certain vitamin or chemical and need extra. There is a crazy stigma of taking vitamins and/pills but there is great need for some people to stay healthy. Now I am going all out there saying that I am several medications for brain chemicals, anxiety, and of course the vitamins. I take them because I need them and I know what I feel and how I behave without them. I don't tell anyone because of the fear but now I guess the whole world knows. It's not a bad thing if you need them and it doesn't mean you are crazy.

Ultimately, I am me and part of that means doing what I need to keep my body in balance and healthy no matter how scary or even embarrassing it is. I will fight and continue on in my journey, even with vitamins and other medications.

Simplicity

Here's a really raw blog post. I am going to be painfully honest all because of my phone. Odd, I know, but here we go....

So as some of you already know, I do not currently have a phone. It wasn't supposed to be this way but due to finances I couldn't pay the entire bill so I paid a portion of it thinking it would be okay. Well, news to me it's not and now it's shut off. Backing up a little, I had also decided to sell my new fancy smart phone/tablet for several reasons. One is the obvious, money. As helpful as it is for someone like me, I just can't afford it. But here is a bigger reason...I have issues. Haha, yes I know, you all know that, hence the blog. These issues involve my phone.

I have been diagnosed with many things, depression, OCD, anxiety, PTSD, self-harm, and an eating disorder. Wow! There's the painfully honest part. Yes, all these things are a part of me and it has been my journey to learn how to deal with them and live with them. They all effect every part of my life, my decisions, my behaviors, my thoughts, and so much more. It's kind of scary for me sometimes and it's easier for me to crawl into my bed and hide from the world. You see, I also have a constant internal dialogue that does not stop even while I sleep. They haunt me in my dreams. Learning all of this about myself has been pretty recent as the focus has mostly been just on the eating disorder. The diagnosis' did come years ago, but to actually accept and understand what they mean are much more complex. I am starting to grasp the concept of slowing down so that I can truly focus on recovery. This is a whole new stage in my recovery but I am willing to face all these demons and issues that have been haunting me for so long.

So what's the connection between all my issues and my phone? These new fancy smart phones beep and constantly let you know of something, a new message, a new email, your turn on games, a phone call, a voice mail, and so on and so on. There was always a notification or a beep or something on my phone. I don't know if it's my OCD or what but I can't stand those little symbols on my phone. I was constantly checking it and clearing each one off so my phone didn't "look" messy. It was extremely overwhelming and interrupted parts of my life. So I made the decisions that because of money and issues, I would sell my fancy phone and go back to the basics since that is my goal right now. Back to the basics of life, slow down, and breath. The more I can eliminate out of my life that will contribute to my OCD, my internal dialogue, my anxiety and all the other things I deal with every day, the better I can really focus on my recovery and learn to function, really function.

All of this is very scary for me and I feel very selfish and unproductive, but someone keeps reminding me that I need to focus on myself for a while in order to be around for my girls and those that love me. It's true. I can't be the parent I want to be if all this other "stuff" crowds my mind. So for now my life needs to be as simple as I can make it and I need to be okay with going slow and feeling unproductive, because ultimately I am being productive.

Emotions?

This morning I witnessed a very sad event that involved a dog being hit by a car. I stopped to see if I could help and so did a few other people. As the lady walking this dog scooped up her what seemed to be lifeless pet, jumped in a car with both her dogs. I had so many emotions run through me all at once. This poor dog was on a leash and with his owner and another dog. I couldn't believe it. I don't know if this dog will be okay but I hope and pray for the family's sake he is.

I immediately flashed back to when my dog, Chippy, was hit. He was hit because he escaped my home and ran into the street. Fortunately, after over an hour of looking for him, I found him sitting under a car and he hobbled over to me and jumped in my arms. I took him the animal er and much to my surprise only had some scrapes and bruises and a little swelling. My girls and I brought him home and nursed him back to health. I am so happy that he is fine and enjoying his new life with his new family running around in a big yard with two cute little boys.

Anger also hit me. Why can't people be more careful? This dog was on a leash with his owner going for his morning walk. He didn't run into the street or escape his front door. Why is that "we" are always in a hurry and aren't paying enough attention not just to people walking their dogs, but also children walking or biking to school. I am angry that so many children have been hit and even killed by drivers not being careful. It is our job and responsibility as drivers to pay attention and slow down around children and yes, even pets. So put down your phone, your breakfast, your makeup, and whatever else you are doing and pay attention to the road.

Of course sadness overwhelmed me for several reasons. Seeing the poor dog being held by his owner looking lifeless. What did he do to deserve to be hit on what is probably the best part his day? I am sad for the owner. The emotions that she must be feeling and the not knowing what to do. I have been there and know what it feels like. After all she was not near her home and she had another dog with her. I am sad for any other family member that the dogs live with, if there are any, especially if there are children that love that dog. The sadness they will all feel if he doesn't make it. I am sad for the other dog that will miss his playmate. I am sad for the driver that did hit him. I am sad for all the people that witnessed this event. And yes, I did cry.

Which is what brings me to why I decided to write about it. In the past, I wouldn't have cared. Well, that may not be entirely true, I would have cared but not cared, if that makes any sense. Not because I lack compassion or empathy but because was sick. Emotions were non-existent. Through out recovery I have been learning that it's okay to experience my emotions but I have struggled and struggled with this concept. I have reached a point of being stuck in my recovery and haven't been able to jump over the line to keep going.

I cried this morning and have cried the last few weeks more about things that I have not cried about before. Well, really I just don't cry. I have been told the last few years that it's okay to cry and let go of my emotions. Phrases like, crying is healing have been thrown my way. My response has always been, well it might work for you, or I just don't cry, or even my tear ducts are broken. But lately....what is going on? Well, with my recent blood tests and having some answers to what has been going on with my body has me doing some different and new things to get my body back in balance. Well, it seems to be working. I am feeling emotions I haven't felt before, have more energy, and am able to focus a little more. It's a whole new world for me and sometimes, well all the time, I feel a little crazy. It's a new stage in my recovery and as of right now I don't know what to do. But I will know what to do and am willing to learn.

I will end by saying first of all, drivers be careful! And second, I never thought it would be possible for my body to get back in balance but it is and I am willing to keep fighting for myself, whatever that looks like.

Tired?

With my recent addiction to Pinterest, which is totally a waste of time lol, I came across a quote that really bothered me. It said something like, if you are not tired then you are not doing adulthood properly. Wow! Really? Is this what becoming an adult means these days? As a single mother of 3 daughters, I certainly know what it means to be tired, but this quote got me thinking.

The past couple of weeks I have finally decided to really slow down. I have accepted that I can't do as much as I do and realized that I don't "have" to. I felt this pressure and need to get things done in as little time as possible. Yes, a huge part of it was and still is ED talking to me but I also wonder how much of it is society's expectations on how we are to live as adults. It seems to me that we are a society of bigger and better and adults will stop at nothing to achieve it, even if that means sacrificing time and sleep. What about other countries that live a laid back life style and don't work all the time or put all this pressure on themselves? Some even have afternoon siestas.

After a few days about processing this quote, I posted on Facebook the question about why are we so tired and I am was a little surprised about one of the responses. It said something like it's because we need to live life to the fullest. As you can imagine my brain had to process again what this all meant. I had to think about what living life to fullest meant and do I just need to accept that I will be tired the rest of my life. My general conclusion, however, is that I think we can live life to the fullest without being tired adults. I refuse to accept that I will be tired my entire adult life. Here are my thoughts...

First a disclaimer: I fully understand and accept that there are certain times in our lives that we will be tried, especially mothers of young children that need our attention in the middle of the night. I also understand that we make choices to be temporarily tired, like going to school or choosing to hang out with a friend staying up too late or being there for someone in need. There are many reasons why we may choose to be tired for a short time which all depends on our personal choices and circumstances.
With that said, I have been a young mother of young children, a single mother, a college student, a full-time employee, and involved in recovery and much more, so I know what it means to be tired. And yes, I have done all this at the same time. I am guilty of overfilling my plate. Why? Well because I have to keep up with the expectations of others and society. When I really think about it, it's very sad that we are a society of keeping up with this unsaid expectation that we have to be bigger and better than our neighbor.

Here's the thing, how many of us secretly wish we didn't "have" to? How many of us wish that we could just sit and take a deep breath or run away from all this? My guess is that there are many more than you think that have secret wishes and thoughts. I know that I do and I know that I want to World to just stop for a little bit so I can catch up. Why can't I just live me life the way I want to and according to who I am and go as slow as I want to? But I can and so can everyone else. I refuse to accept that I am going to be a tired adult for the rest of my life because that is not what I want.

Living life to the fullest to me means to take care of myself, mind, body, and soul. If one of these is out of balance then yes I will be tired. Taking care of my mind at this stage in my life means to focus on my recovery and work through some difficult issues that are weighing me down. Clearing my head from all the bad and only allowing in the positive. Taking care of my body means to fuel it with what it needs, exercise it, and make sure it gets enough rest. Taking care of my soul means to learn what it needs. Take deep breaths, meditate on what it's important, and fuel it with positive people and conversations. It also means to stop and draw a picture and to things that I love. Without a proper balance of all of these things I couldn't enjoy life. I can't enjoy playing with children if I am tired. I can't enjoy my art if I am not rested enough to put the pencil to the paper. I can't enjoy my time at a social function if I haven't slept in a few days.

With taking care of my mind, body, and soul, I am teaching my children the same. They will also learn not to push themselves to exhaustion. They will learn that they do not have to be what the World expects them to be. They don't need bigger and better and don't need to kill themselves trying to get it. I will eventually achieve my goals and I fully believe my children will too, but in the meantime I want them to know to take care of themselves. I want them to know to enjoy life and live it to the fullest in a healthy way.

What next?

So I have pretty much been honest and more open than usual on this blog. I have also tried very hard to stay positive and talk about a different perspective throughout this process. I know that learning and looking at things differently helps, even if it is in that moment. Today I am going to be more open and it makes me kind of nervous, but here it goes...

There are things I know I need in order to help and support my recovery. Things that I am not sure are in reach for me. Let me back up just a little and start with how I know what I need and want. I have been struggling so much lately with restricting my food and amping up my exercise. I have also been dealing with the negative thoughts that are just getting louder and louder. There are times that I am so wrapped in ED that I can't see anything else. In times of clarity, I get so angry and sad because I feel like I shouldn't be struggling like this after a couple of years of being in recovery. I know, I know...it takes time. I have heard that average recovery from an eating disorder takes 7-10 years and that I need to be patient. Here's the other thing, I don't have the money to keep going. It costs a lot to stay in therapy, groups, see a dietitian, and so on to stay on top of all of it.

So basically, I have been in recovery long enough to know things but not long enough to be stable enough to do this on my own. I have more than a hard time reaching out for help because I feel crazy. What's the point? And I don't want the cop-out or cliche response, it doesn't help. Part of me really believes I am not good enough to reach out and that help just isn't out there for me. I also tell myself that I am not that bad, there are people are worse than me, I am just being a baby, and so on. All those lovely excuses to not ask.

All that being said, I know what I need. I need a new environment all together. The one I am in is really hard. I know I need more support and groups or something but not in-patient again. In-patient sounds really nice and an escape from the real world, but it's not something I need again. The problem...I just don't have them money. I'd love to pick up and just move to another area, state even that has more support available but that costs money too. I am at a loss, feeling alone, scared, and very unsure of my next step. Today I am trying to be proactive in researching options and finding new ones I didn't know were out there. Bottom line is that I know I need more, something new, the next step, just something because I am really having a hard time and feel stuck.

Comprise or Sacrifice?

So I am not going to delete that last blog despite that I want to. I wrote it half asleep and am pretty sure it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. This one is a rewrite of the last one with more meaning and sense to it, or at least I hope, haha.

Compromise is generally something one does while in a relationship with another to meet a mutual agreement on the situation. This could mean where to eat out on date night or how to spend their free day. It could also be used in the context of friendships so that they continue to grow and flourish. Everyone needs to compromise something at some point in their lives, whether big or small. As a spouse, a parent, a child, a friend, and/or a coworker, all need to compromise in some way. The big question is, do you know what you are willing to compromise and what you are not?

Sacrifice is more along the lines of giving up something or losing something for the sake of another or something else. As a parent, we sacrifice so much for our children, like our time and finances and so much more. Making sacrifices in our relationships becomes a bit more complicated. It's much harder to sacrifice than it is to compromise, yet there are times it has to be done. But at what cost?

I tell you all this because I have been thinking a lot about these two things the last few months. I have made some decisions with the acceptance of some things about myself. I thought long and hard about what I had to decide and I felt at the time I really had no other choice. Today I still feel like I have no other choice but the problem now lies in compromise and sacrifice and what to accept and what not to.

Unfortunately I have compromised who I am and who I want to become, or I should say sacrificed myself. I am in a position that is not good for me. I know this and I have accepted this. There are times when it becomes so overwhelming that I just want to run away. I don't want to sacrifice who I am as a person and who I want to be and what I stand for for anyone, not even my children. I feel incredibly guilty about that and feel that as a parent I should be okay with all this sacrifice. I know my line though. I know that in moments of desperation and weakness I make choices that later I regret but feel very stuck in. The problem is that I am not strong enough as my own person yet to know when those moments of weakness are.

It would be beneficial for me to let people in to help, love, support, and guide me in those times but for some reason I am so fearful of letting someone fully in. While there are people that know parts of me and even people that think they know me but don't. What I thought was compromise is actually sacrifice and it hurts. I don't want to be this person but I feel extremely stuck in the position I am in. I wanted to put up the white flag this morning and admit defeat, which I did, but that doesn't mean giving completely up. I admit defeat, I admit that I can't do this, I admit that I pushed people away, I admit that I made poor decisions, and I admit that I am one confused, unsure person.

My problem now is knowing what to do next. I have a lot to figure out. A lot of compromises that I will be okay with and even some sacrifices that need to be made. Since my track record, well kind of sucks, I fear making any decisions and knowing which ones are right or wrong, or at the very least, ones that I really will be okay with.

My advice in all of this...figure out what you are willing to compromise and sacrifice and share it with others that will support you and remind you of them when its needed!

Compromise versus Sacrifice

How do you know the difference between compromise and sacrifice? That's a question that has been stirring in my head for the last few months. I have made choices that I have felt backed into a corner to make. Not because of others, but more because of circumstances. I wanted to make the right choices. I thought about things, assessed the situations, and came to some final decisions quickly because of time limits.

My problem has been, are they compromises or sacrifices? There is nothing wrong with either, however, the issues is the motive behind them. How much of me am I willing to compromise and how much of me am I willing to sacrifice? In the dream world the answer would be that I wouldn't compromise or sacrifice anything. Unfornuately this isn't the dream world, this is reality. Reality is I have had to and am having a hard time accepting it.

Most people have to compromise. If you are in a relationship, you must compromise things and work together to make things work for both of you. You also may sacrifice things like money, time, and wants for the sake of that relationship. (Yes, this even includes ED) If you have to make decisions as the head of your house, you need to sacrifice somethings for the sake of bills or needs. You also may compromise or prioritize those things to make your life work.

On the negative side of things, you can compromise who you are, what you stand for, and what you need or want to unhealthy extremes. With that you are making sacrifices you don't want to make but feel like you need to. A rock and a hard place. So at what point do you call it quits or raise the white flag and say you are done? And do you accept the way things are and survive or do you do something extreme to change it?

I am in a tough position and am so unsure of what to do. Survival. I have compromised and sacrificed a lot but feel I have no other options. I feel stuck!