Yes it's been a while since my last post. First because I had a computer virus I needed to get fixed, then the holidays, the time just got away.
Anyway, many of you know the struggles I have been dealing with the past few months. It is very tough being a single mom. Emotionally, financially, physically, etc. There are days I want to throw the towel in and there are days that I just "know" I am a failure. There are also days I question every decision I made that got me to where I am. I wonder where is the better. I thought recovery and being healthier was supposed to feel good and make my life better.
Here's the thing plain and simple! It has. No matter the struggles, the bad days, the regretting thoughts, or the feeling of being a failure, I am healthier and that is better.
A few days ago someone that didn't know my struggles found them out. She simply hugged me. Then she quietly said, "don't go backwards." She is right. I have to keep going forward. No matter how bad things get or how depressing the future may seem, it won't get better if I step back. The truth is I was headed the direction. I was feeling so desperate that anything that would help me out seemed like a good idea. But that was only going backwards. I don't want to go backwards. I can't pin point what it was that made me lose my drive, but I did. It makes me sad that the girl fresh out of recovery that had dreams and goals disappeared.
So today I have a choice. I can wallow in my own self-pity or I can take care of myself the way I know how. Sure I have a lot of reasons to be sad and frustrated with my situation, but I also have a lot of reasons to be grateful. I am so very grateful that I have so many people that love me and want to see me acheive my goals. I have so many people that support me and don't leave my side despite my flaws. I have three beautiful daughters who are so very helpful and encouraging and of course they ground me and bring me back to reality. I have a job, a roof, a bed, running water, food, heat, and so much more. I am grateful!
My life is hard but it's also mine. Today I am going to take care of myself. I am going to make choices for me that will help me move forward. I will take one step, even if it's a baby step, forward, not backwards, towards my dreams and goals.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Frustration or Gratefulness?
So I let go of my pride and walked into the welfare office to apply for food stamps. I also turned in an application at their schools for the free/reduced lunch program. Pride? Well because it means I am a failure at providing for my girls. Anyway, a week later I find out that I only qualify for $30 a month. What? How does a single mom of 3 children only qualify for so little? How do I feed my girls on $30 a month? Of course my first reaction is not of thankfulness, it's of frustration and unfairness. It's validating my inability to provide for my girls. I felt horrible. Now what? How do I feed them?
I received a letter from their schools and I anxiously opened it. They all said that my girls qualify for free lunches and breakfasts. Phew! That's two meals they can eat. I explained to them that they can now eat at school and of course added on to be grateful that they have this opportunity. As teenagers, they complained at first, just as I did about the food stamps. They don't want to known as the poor kids in line. I understand how hard it is but continued to explain to them that we all need to be grateful for what we do have because there are some out there that are living out their cars or worse, on the streets picking food from the trash.
Talk about a different perspective. I get to that parent side of me and completely change how I am thinking. I am grateful that my girls will be able to eat 2 decent meals a day. I am grateful that they have opportunities other kids don't have like even being able to go to school. And even though I only get $30 a month, I get $30 a month. I can get some milk, peanut butter and bread. Sure it may get boring, but it's food. I am thankful that my situation is not worse than it is.
I received a letter from their schools and I anxiously opened it. They all said that my girls qualify for free lunches and breakfasts. Phew! That's two meals they can eat. I explained to them that they can now eat at school and of course added on to be grateful that they have this opportunity. As teenagers, they complained at first, just as I did about the food stamps. They don't want to known as the poor kids in line. I understand how hard it is but continued to explain to them that we all need to be grateful for what we do have because there are some out there that are living out their cars or worse, on the streets picking food from the trash.
Talk about a different perspective. I get to that parent side of me and completely change how I am thinking. I am grateful that my girls will be able to eat 2 decent meals a day. I am grateful that they have opportunities other kids don't have like even being able to go to school. And even though I only get $30 a month, I get $30 a month. I can get some milk, peanut butter and bread. Sure it may get boring, but it's food. I am thankful that my situation is not worse than it is.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Sticks and Stones.....
We have all heard the old saying, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me", right? We may have even been taught to say it to those who made fun of us or said things that were hurtful. But is there any truth to this old saying?
I've been thinking a lot about this ever since the video about the judge beating his daughter with a belt surfaced. It's painful to watch and has made me flinch like the rest of the world. As I have seen the news and interviews with the daughter and even the mother who joined in the beating, it has brought up a lot of feelings and a lot of thinking.
Why is it that it is so easy to stand up and say it is wrong to hit someone repeatedly with a belt but not so easy to stand up and say that it's wrong to verbally abuse a child or any person for that matter? I understand that one is visible and the other is not. I understand that it is harder to prove one over the other. I also understand that the world doesn't see the verbal or emotional as abuse the way they see the beating in the video. This is a very hard topic for me as I have experienced both. But from my perspective the verbal and emotional is worse and much more difficult to overcome.
I have fears of touch yes, but I struggle everyday with words that haunt me every minute. I also watch this borderline abuse almost daily in my children. I say borderline because I am not sure where the line is when you call it abuse or being inappropriate. I cry myself to sleep at night knowing there isn't anything I can do about it. I am sad knowing that my girls will grow up with thoughts and words that will haunt them also. Knowing that it may just as hard if not harder for them to let go of the words they have been told.
Every minute of everyday there are people that suffer in silence with these words. These feelings of low self-worth, hopelessness, self-hatred, lack of trust in people and the world, fears, and so many more stick with people so badly that they believe them and begin to act out. They act out in eating disorders, in drug addictions, in alcohol addictions, in self-harming behaviors, sexually and so many other ways. People quickly judge these behaviors and don't think of what is underneath them. The cry for help and love and attention and acceptance that the person so desperately wants. The covering up of the the horrid self-hatred and hopelessness that people feel. And why? All because someone they love and trusted told them they were ugly or worthless. Someone that was supposed to love and care for them tied them to a bed and told them they could never love them and that they weren't as good as someone else. That they could never measure up or would never be someone when they grew up. The words go on and on and on. The phrases continue to replay in our minds as young children until they become who we are.
Whether we have been beat or told horrible things....we suffer. It's not fair that so much attention is brought to a beating but no one likes to talk about the verbal and emotional abuse that goes on all to often. Where are the videos of a mother belittling her child? Where are the videos of a father telling his son he'll never be good enough? Where are the videos of the words?
The new perspective in all of this? I don't know. Maybe it is something as simple as not judging other's behaviors or speaking out a little more about the words. I don't know if videos will ever surface of the verbal abuse of a parent or if the judicial system will ever take it more seriously but I do know that it is real and unless people speak out more, there will continue to be little attention on the words.
I've been thinking a lot about this ever since the video about the judge beating his daughter with a belt surfaced. It's painful to watch and has made me flinch like the rest of the world. As I have seen the news and interviews with the daughter and even the mother who joined in the beating, it has brought up a lot of feelings and a lot of thinking.
Why is it that it is so easy to stand up and say it is wrong to hit someone repeatedly with a belt but not so easy to stand up and say that it's wrong to verbally abuse a child or any person for that matter? I understand that one is visible and the other is not. I understand that it is harder to prove one over the other. I also understand that the world doesn't see the verbal or emotional as abuse the way they see the beating in the video. This is a very hard topic for me as I have experienced both. But from my perspective the verbal and emotional is worse and much more difficult to overcome.
I have fears of touch yes, but I struggle everyday with words that haunt me every minute. I also watch this borderline abuse almost daily in my children. I say borderline because I am not sure where the line is when you call it abuse or being inappropriate. I cry myself to sleep at night knowing there isn't anything I can do about it. I am sad knowing that my girls will grow up with thoughts and words that will haunt them also. Knowing that it may just as hard if not harder for them to let go of the words they have been told.
Every minute of everyday there are people that suffer in silence with these words. These feelings of low self-worth, hopelessness, self-hatred, lack of trust in people and the world, fears, and so many more stick with people so badly that they believe them and begin to act out. They act out in eating disorders, in drug addictions, in alcohol addictions, in self-harming behaviors, sexually and so many other ways. People quickly judge these behaviors and don't think of what is underneath them. The cry for help and love and attention and acceptance that the person so desperately wants. The covering up of the the horrid self-hatred and hopelessness that people feel. And why? All because someone they love and trusted told them they were ugly or worthless. Someone that was supposed to love and care for them tied them to a bed and told them they could never love them and that they weren't as good as someone else. That they could never measure up or would never be someone when they grew up. The words go on and on and on. The phrases continue to replay in our minds as young children until they become who we are.
Whether we have been beat or told horrible things....we suffer. It's not fair that so much attention is brought to a beating but no one likes to talk about the verbal and emotional abuse that goes on all to often. Where are the videos of a mother belittling her child? Where are the videos of a father telling his son he'll never be good enough? Where are the videos of the words?
The new perspective in all of this? I don't know. Maybe it is something as simple as not judging other's behaviors or speaking out a little more about the words. I don't know if videos will ever surface of the verbal abuse of a parent or if the judicial system will ever take it more seriously but I do know that it is real and unless people speak out more, there will continue to be little attention on the words.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Hopeless?
I have been starting many blogs with many different topics the past few days and have finished none of them. I have deleted them and put my computer down. Why? Because there is so much on my mind that I don't know where to start or to finish my thoughts. But I think I will write about taking life one day at a time or even one minute at a time.
Last week I had a garage sale to help financially and for last week it did. I was content that I would be okay for another. Not only did I cover my bills, I was very blessed with groceries to feed my girls. Okay, so one week down and okay. I was also able to see the greatness of God's love and blessings for me, despite that I soooooooo don't deserve any of it. I also have been brought to tears the love of my friends that have been helping me through all of this chaos. I am in awe of last week.
Here I am in a new week with new problems. Again, struggling with covering all the bills. I feel so defeated and unsure of what to do. Last night I was trying to grasp at anything to help my situation. Some of those thoughts weren't good ones and would not be smart decisions to make. But what do I do to help my situation? My ultimate decision is to have another garage sale this weekend to see if I can once again pay my bills. My frustration is that I don't have anything but basic bills and one loan that is causing me such stress.
So where's my new perspective? I don't know anymore as I am just trying to survive each day. A friend reminded me last to take it one day at time. And at this point in my life, I have to. I have to know that today, there is food for my girls, I have a place to live, and a job along with many other blessings. Today there isn't anything to worry about. I also had another dear friend remind me of the basics. She said she loved me and hates to see my struggle. That brought tears to my eyes to know that she cares that much about little ole me. Me, someone that is so messed up and so confused and struggles with way to many things.
I get it and I know I have screwed, especially with money and trying to care for my girls. It is so very hard and emotionally overwhelming to bear all the burdens of raising my girls alone. There are days I want to throw the towel in and not to it anymore. There are days that all I want to do is hold them in my arms and just love them. There are days I want to run away and hide. There are days I want to be able to tell them that I have it all under control. And there are days that I just don't know what I want or what to do. I do know that it's my job to protect them and provide for them, two things I feel I can't do. There are things I don't have control over and that burdens my heart so heavily.
There is a song that I relate to so much lately and every time it comes on the radio it makes me wonder if I really am more than flesh and bones or if I have screwed up enough to not be worth anything.
http://youtu.be/oF5CjtrIl_c
Check out the song! The first couple of lines is all that I am and why I feel so defeated. I am the "wife" that stays up late at night, the "man" struggling to provide, the "son" who chose a broken road, and the girl that will end up alone! Hopeless. What's next?
Last week I had a garage sale to help financially and for last week it did. I was content that I would be okay for another. Not only did I cover my bills, I was very blessed with groceries to feed my girls. Okay, so one week down and okay. I was also able to see the greatness of God's love and blessings for me, despite that I soooooooo don't deserve any of it. I also have been brought to tears the love of my friends that have been helping me through all of this chaos. I am in awe of last week.
Here I am in a new week with new problems. Again, struggling with covering all the bills. I feel so defeated and unsure of what to do. Last night I was trying to grasp at anything to help my situation. Some of those thoughts weren't good ones and would not be smart decisions to make. But what do I do to help my situation? My ultimate decision is to have another garage sale this weekend to see if I can once again pay my bills. My frustration is that I don't have anything but basic bills and one loan that is causing me such stress.
So where's my new perspective? I don't know anymore as I am just trying to survive each day. A friend reminded me last to take it one day at time. And at this point in my life, I have to. I have to know that today, there is food for my girls, I have a place to live, and a job along with many other blessings. Today there isn't anything to worry about. I also had another dear friend remind me of the basics. She said she loved me and hates to see my struggle. That brought tears to my eyes to know that she cares that much about little ole me. Me, someone that is so messed up and so confused and struggles with way to many things.
I get it and I know I have screwed, especially with money and trying to care for my girls. It is so very hard and emotionally overwhelming to bear all the burdens of raising my girls alone. There are days I want to throw the towel in and not to it anymore. There are days that all I want to do is hold them in my arms and just love them. There are days I want to run away and hide. There are days I want to be able to tell them that I have it all under control. And there are days that I just don't know what I want or what to do. I do know that it's my job to protect them and provide for them, two things I feel I can't do. There are things I don't have control over and that burdens my heart so heavily.
There is a song that I relate to so much lately and every time it comes on the radio it makes me wonder if I really am more than flesh and bones or if I have screwed up enough to not be worth anything.
http://youtu.be/oF5CjtrIl_c
Check out the song! The first couple of lines is all that I am and why I feel so defeated. I am the "wife" that stays up late at night, the "man" struggling to provide, the "son" who chose a broken road, and the girl that will end up alone! Hopeless. What's next?
Sunday, November 6, 2011
The Gift of Nothing
As I sit here staring at my somewhat empty apartment tonight...I am full of gratefulness and joy! As hard as it was to make the decision to sell our things to help financially, I have to remind myself it's just stuff.
You see, I had a "garage" sale today to make ends meet. I have so many emotions going on right now, mostly that of being a complete failure. I have been struggling financially since August and things are just getting worse. At first I put my account in the negative each payday in order to keep going. There were just to many demands, school fees, school supplies, more school fees, more gas in the car because of school, clothing, food, etc. etc. etc. I tried to keep up without letting the girls know how serious things were. I didn't want them to worry or feel guilty about their needs. I wasn't spending money on expensive clothes or even extra school needs. Just the very basics.
But as time went on I just couldn't do it anymore. I had to take back control and I made the decision to not go in the negative anymore no matter what. The problem though was that I would not be able to buy groceries. Fortunately I was so blessed with groceries from a dear friend, who didn't even know how serious my situation was. Sadly, I was still going to go in the negative. I decided to sell some of my "prized" positions which led to the idea of selling more things.
This was hard for me because we don't have much. I just think that as a "responsible" parent, my girls need a couch to sit on and a table to eat at. I began to ask myself, how much stuff do we really need to survive? I weighed my options and providing my girls with a roof over their heads was more important to me than having a couch. So I figured if some people don't even have a roof over their heads, we can eat on the floor. So it began...the garage sale. I sold my table and chairs, my day bed/couch, night stands, and a bunch of other things. And yes, I even sold my Coach bags...the only possession I love because I buy one every year on my treatment anniversary. They are reminders of where I have been and to keep going. Reminders that are now gone.
Now it is almost the end of the day and yes, I did make the perfect amount to cover my utilities and car insurance and a couple other bills without going in the negative. I kind of don't really know where to go from here. I have all sorts of mixed feelings but I do have a new perspective of what "need" means. We need food, water, shelter, and clothing. These things I can provide for my girls. And I will do whatever it takes to make sure they have their needs, even if it means selling my "stuff"
You see, I had a "garage" sale today to make ends meet. I have so many emotions going on right now, mostly that of being a complete failure. I have been struggling financially since August and things are just getting worse. At first I put my account in the negative each payday in order to keep going. There were just to many demands, school fees, school supplies, more school fees, more gas in the car because of school, clothing, food, etc. etc. etc. I tried to keep up without letting the girls know how serious things were. I didn't want them to worry or feel guilty about their needs. I wasn't spending money on expensive clothes or even extra school needs. Just the very basics.
But as time went on I just couldn't do it anymore. I had to take back control and I made the decision to not go in the negative anymore no matter what. The problem though was that I would not be able to buy groceries. Fortunately I was so blessed with groceries from a dear friend, who didn't even know how serious my situation was. Sadly, I was still going to go in the negative. I decided to sell some of my "prized" positions which led to the idea of selling more things.
This was hard for me because we don't have much. I just think that as a "responsible" parent, my girls need a couch to sit on and a table to eat at. I began to ask myself, how much stuff do we really need to survive? I weighed my options and providing my girls with a roof over their heads was more important to me than having a couch. So I figured if some people don't even have a roof over their heads, we can eat on the floor. So it began...the garage sale. I sold my table and chairs, my day bed/couch, night stands, and a bunch of other things. And yes, I even sold my Coach bags...the only possession I love because I buy one every year on my treatment anniversary. They are reminders of where I have been and to keep going. Reminders that are now gone.
Now it is almost the end of the day and yes, I did make the perfect amount to cover my utilities and car insurance and a couple other bills without going in the negative. I kind of don't really know where to go from here. I have all sorts of mixed feelings but I do have a new perspective of what "need" means. We need food, water, shelter, and clothing. These things I can provide for my girls. And I will do whatever it takes to make sure they have their needs, even if it means selling my "stuff"
Friday, November 4, 2011
Hanging by a Thread
I am trying so very hard to turn my perspective around in this defeated position. Here I sit, completely defeated and unable to do this on my own anymore. I have been close to tears for days and those of you that know me, know that I don't cry! I am spinning and spinning and feel like everything is just so out of control. The logical side of me knows that I need to do something and take back control but I just don't know what that looks like. Recovery, well has seen and heard a few choice words and is almost out the window. At this point all I am trying to do is hold it together so my girls so realize how bad our situation really is.
What I can do is be thankful that today I have a job. Today I have hot water. Today I woke up with a roof over my head and a warm blanket covering me. Today I have clean clothes to wear and today I have food in the cupboard. I am also thankful that I get to watch my daughter in her first performance tonight! Today I will try to hang on to today and remember that today is what I have right now.
What I can do is be thankful that today I have a job. Today I have hot water. Today I woke up with a roof over my head and a warm blanket covering me. Today I have clean clothes to wear and today I have food in the cupboard. I am also thankful that I get to watch my daughter in her first performance tonight! Today I will try to hang on to today and remember that today is what I have right now.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Birthdays and Chaos
So yesterday was my birthday and I actually had a lot to write about. Several different topics rolling around in my head all day making it difficult to pick one. As the day ended and I got home from work, chaos hit the fan! During all the chaos, the dog was out to go potty and took off into the street. Needless to say, he got hit by a car and the next thing I hear is him yelping/crying. He took off and hid somewhere, according to a witness. My girls immediately go into a crying and I go in search of the dog along with a few neighbors who saw the whole thing. I hold in many emotions and continue to look despite not knowing where to look. Finally a neighbor spotted him but he wouldn't go to her and she told me where he was. I went that direction and saw him sitting there in the dark and scared. He hesitated at first then realized it was me and slowly crawled into my arms. He was dirty, bloody, and shaky. I carried him to the car and took him to the Animal ER. We were there until 12:30 and Chippy is fortunate. Nothing broken or no life-threatening injuries. He is just bruised, scraped, and scared. So I skipped the special cake a friend made for me and we all crawled into bed unsure of what this morning would hold. My girls all got up and went school, I am so proud of them. And I came back home and crawled back into bed with the dog.
So anyway, I tell you all this because that was just a small part of the chaos. There was chaos that led up this incident and while I sat in the animal ER, my brain went through so many emotions and thoughts that I had to hold back tears. I wanted to cry out of anger, not at the dog or the fact that he got hit and we were spending the night at the vet. I was angry at so many things. I was angry that I had a cake at home I couldn't eat. I was anger the day did not go the way I wanted it to go. I was angry that my coworker called me last minute to tell me she didn't want to switch shifts. I was angry that I spent the night at work and not at home. I was angry at a certain person for the way he handled the dog situation. I was angry that I can't handle chaos. Then I tried to figure out how to eliminate the chaos in my life. I thought of moving across country, or at least a different state. I thought of yelling and screaming. I thought of anything I could do to make it all go away. I was tired and upset that my birthday was a fail.
But was it? Let's look at it from a different perspective. I woke up yesterday with 3 beautiful girls that I am so blessed having. I took them to school and came home and was grateful that I could spend another couple of hours in bed. Getting more sleep is a luxury. I received many facebook "happy birthdays" and texts and phone calls of people that love and care about me just to say Happy Birthday. The day before a friend took me to breakfast. The day before that I was blessed with groceries to feed my girls. Kirsten was blessed with the funds to get her outfit for her first performance on Friday night. My girls got to spend an afternoon at a friend's house carving pumpkins and making caramel apples. And last night I was blessed with a beautiful cake. Oh and I got a Peppermint Mocha!
Because of the love languages, I learned that I am a gift giver. So when it comes to birthdays, celebrations, or even just because I love to give and receive gifts. The days leading up to my birthday I tried so hard not to be sad knowing I wouldn't get any gifts. Knowing that I couldn't go spend the day at the beach, which is what I really wanted. But when I stop to think about these last few weeks, I got everything I wanted and more. I wanted to be able to feed my girls. I wanted to be able feel loved. I wanted to have a cake, a red velvet one. And I wanted to feel joy. I have been blessed beyond measure this year and wouldn't have wanted it any other way. I did learn some more lessons along the way that I need to figure out and deal with, but hey, all in all it was a great birthday.
I don't need expensive gifts or lavish vacations. I don't need big parties with balloons and lots of people. I need the joy in my heart of knowing that all is well and my girls are okay.
So anyway, I tell you all this because that was just a small part of the chaos. There was chaos that led up this incident and while I sat in the animal ER, my brain went through so many emotions and thoughts that I had to hold back tears. I wanted to cry out of anger, not at the dog or the fact that he got hit and we were spending the night at the vet. I was angry at so many things. I was angry that I had a cake at home I couldn't eat. I was anger the day did not go the way I wanted it to go. I was angry that my coworker called me last minute to tell me she didn't want to switch shifts. I was angry that I spent the night at work and not at home. I was angry at a certain person for the way he handled the dog situation. I was angry that I can't handle chaos. Then I tried to figure out how to eliminate the chaos in my life. I thought of moving across country, or at least a different state. I thought of yelling and screaming. I thought of anything I could do to make it all go away. I was tired and upset that my birthday was a fail.
But was it? Let's look at it from a different perspective. I woke up yesterday with 3 beautiful girls that I am so blessed having. I took them to school and came home and was grateful that I could spend another couple of hours in bed. Getting more sleep is a luxury. I received many facebook "happy birthdays" and texts and phone calls of people that love and care about me just to say Happy Birthday. The day before a friend took me to breakfast. The day before that I was blessed with groceries to feed my girls. Kirsten was blessed with the funds to get her outfit for her first performance on Friday night. My girls got to spend an afternoon at a friend's house carving pumpkins and making caramel apples. And last night I was blessed with a beautiful cake. Oh and I got a Peppermint Mocha!
Because of the love languages, I learned that I am a gift giver. So when it comes to birthdays, celebrations, or even just because I love to give and receive gifts. The days leading up to my birthday I tried so hard not to be sad knowing I wouldn't get any gifts. Knowing that I couldn't go spend the day at the beach, which is what I really wanted. But when I stop to think about these last few weeks, I got everything I wanted and more. I wanted to be able to feed my girls. I wanted to be able feel loved. I wanted to have a cake, a red velvet one. And I wanted to feel joy. I have been blessed beyond measure this year and wouldn't have wanted it any other way. I did learn some more lessons along the way that I need to figure out and deal with, but hey, all in all it was a great birthday.
I don't need expensive gifts or lavish vacations. I don't need big parties with balloons and lots of people. I need the joy in my heart of knowing that all is well and my girls are okay.
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