Is it too late?

These last couple of years have been really rough. Making decisions for my girls and myself have proven to be more difficult than I thought. Not only have they been difficult, the emotions that come along with them have been almost unbearable. Hindsight right? That's the crazy thing, I can look back and still have no idea which ones were the wrong ones and which ones were somewhat close to being beneficial. What does hindsight even mean?

What I do know is that it's a constant struggle and a constant feeling of inadequacy and guilt. Never feeling good enough or strong enough or right enough or smart enough or capable enough to care for my girls. No matter what decisions I have made, those feelings just don't go away. Trying things so many different ways to find something that works seems impossible. So far, nothing has worked.

I feel like a lost soul just wondering around this Earth. I am convinced at this point that no matter what I try, I am deemed to just have an unhappy life. Living like a robot doing what I am supposed to do, like get my kids to school, go to work, pay the bills, clean the house, and so on. I know that I am not perfect and I know that my life won't be perfect either but I tried to believe that things would be better not just different. Having that hope just led me to more hurt and disappointment, mostly in myself.

So my battle is whether or not to let go of that last little bit of hope or wish for something better. This little hope is dangling so far off the string that I can hardly see it. I feel it's just too late for me so why keep trying to climb the never ending up-hill battle. I tried the fight. I tried the way others wanted me to try it and I tried it myself and I still sit here feeling very defeated and beat up, just exhausted and knowing that no matter what I do, I screw everything up!

Their rock!

Realizing that most of my blog posts do not make sense, I have been thinking of writing about something that does. Then I realized that life sometimes just doesn't make sense. Often we wonder why things happen the way the happen or just plain old why they happen. The truth is though that there rarely is no answer to all those questions or all that worry.

Yes, I am extremely frustrated and have very little hope in the future. Yes, I have no idea why I have the life that I have. It is definitely not what I had planned. Another truth? I don't think I want the life I had planned either. That life was still not as good as I, as an adult, want it to be.

In the meantime, I am not sure why I go through what I go through. But from everything I have learned in recovery, I am supposed live one moment at a time. A concept I have the hardest time doing. If I live in this moment, this very moment, I would be content that I have internet access to write this blog. When I stop to think about it and the bill that comes with having the internet, I am very angry. Angry at the schools for practically requiring children to have internet. A huge chuck of my daughter's homework is to be turned in online. What about the parents that can't afford it? What about the parents that are paying for internet so their kid doesn't fail their homework instead of buying food? What about me? A single mom that struggles month to month as it is and has so much required of her from the schools? I get angry that I have to pay for something I cannot afford.

All that anger leads to paying for other things I can't afford, like my phone. Having a phone these days is not cheap. And no, I do not have a fancy phone with all the bells and whistles. My phone is old and right it's even dead. The battery is bad and the sim card says it doesn't work. Can a single mom truly live without a phone? I'd like to think I can, but how would work get a hold of me or anyone else for that matter. I can't afford to get a new phone or even fix this one so I guess we will find out soon enough.

The problem is that a lot of things are happening all at once. I am so very overwhelmed and feel like my life will always be such a struggle. In the past, I ignored everything, acted out, and pretended nothing was wrong. These last few weeks, I have actually cried. Not because I want to but because my emotions are so intense I can't stop it. I do stop it as soon as I can and tell myself that I am not worth crying over and that I have to get it together. I have to be the strong one. I have to know all the answers. I have to show my girls that we aren't in a world of hurt. After all, they need me for their issues.

One is getting surgery, the other is just hitting puberty and looks to me for help and advice, the other just wants me around. I can't go hide and cry. They need me! Those girls depend on me to be their rock.

Yes, my life doesn't make sense and yes I still have no idea what to do, but I do know that my girls need me and I need get it together!

Lost hope?

First I have to write a disclaimer...I know that everyone has similar issues when it comes to money, parenting, relationships, etc. I am not trying to say that they don't or that mine are worse than others. I am just trying to explain my experiences and how it relates to my eating disorder as well as really trying to put a positive spin on it. So, with that said...

As many of you know I am very frustrated with so many things. I feel like I try so hard to be mom and dad, provider, nurturer, fixer, taxi cab, housekeeper, budget, and so on. You can all imagine and probably most of you know how much needs done in one way. Add in the surprises of life, like your daughter needing surgery, you getting sick, your other daughter going through her own emotional stuff, extra expenses at school, and of course much more, and your whole life gets turned upside down.

Being a single mom, I feel adds to all of it. I could go into all the details but basically it gets very wearing on me to have to make all the decisions and go to bed alone feeling like I have no support or to tell me things will be okay. I have lost a lot of hope. I don't know that everything will be okay. I don't know that I make good decisions. I don't even know if I will be able to feed my kids next week.

What's even more frustrating is that I have to spend money on things I don't want to, like Internet (the kids need it for school), a phone (needed mostly for work, and is now broken anyway), and even little expenses like tampons and shampoo (which add up since we are a house of 4 girls). I know these are needs right now but I get so angry with myself for being able to provide.

All these issues and emotions of course affect my eating disorder. I am constantly body checking again, happy that food is low and I save what we have for the kids, excited when someone compliments me on losing weight, craving the scale, and sleeping more than usual. I also have those dang headaches. It's been a hard battle. Hard to fight all those urges, hard to accept myself, hard to look at food, hard to eat food, hard to not go for a long run and so on.

I am not sure what I need or how to feel better. I don't know to hope again and know that everything will just be okay.

In the Moment!

All this anger and frustration I have been experiencing lately has me thinking....a lot!

I have thought about all my past failures, choices, regrets, issues, and so on. I have thought about how to continue to fight and keep going. I think this may the first time that I have wanted to figure out the future instead of give up.

Sadly, I have no idea what that means. I am still confused about so many things in my life. Relationships that I had and have, food and my health - despite I have no grocery money, spirituality, how to be a single mom, and am I really going to end up staying in the car business?

Let's break it down...

My health is very important to me. If I am not healthy, I can't be a mom, work, be in any kind of relationship...it's the basis of life. Health includes my body and my soul. As far as my body, recently finding out things was very depressing for me. My body does not tolerate certain foods so I am supposed to not eat them which gets difficult when I don't have money. I am supposed to take certain vitamins and medications to help get my body back into balance. For the most part I have ignored this just because it takes a lot of work and more importantly, I don't love myself enough to put that much work into it.

My health also includes my soul. I need to keep my soul and spirit in balance. Again, this has fallen to the waste side because of my self-hatred. How do I find out who I am when I don't really care? I have felt pulled in so many directions as far as church, people, relationships, etc that I threw my hands up and just stopped caring. I couldn't be pulled anymore. I want to search this part of me, but on my terms and without feeling judged or pushed or forced into other people's ideas.

As far as being a parent, anyone that is a parent knows how hard it is and how emotional it is. I am not trying to sound like my job is harder or trying to get pity (actually pity is not the goal in my blog). Anyway, I know have two teenagers and a 9 year old, all girls and it's rough. I have to be mom and dad. Set an awesome example and hope and pray that I can do a good enough job that they won't grow up a hot mess. They have experienced way to much in their young lives as it is, they don't need a hot mess of a mom. I feel like a constant failure though. Not being able to provide, not knowing what to do or say, taking things they do or say personally, and feeling like I can't make up for things they experience outside of my control. I'm tired!

So the new perspective or change on all this?

Well, today I sat down and actually made a food list of foods I can eat and ones that I should stay away from. I did this because I get way to overwhelmed with it. I figured if I have a list on the fridge, I can easily grab it, go to the store and know what to get without too much stress. Yes, after three years, I still get very stressed and a lot of anxiety when it comes to food and grocery shopping. We'll see how the list helps.

I have also been trying to keep to the appropriate amount of exercise. Nothing too much or too little. It's hard, but I want to be healthy.

My spirituality? Hhhhmmm, not sure yet. I am still being pulled in several directions. The only thing I can do is be purposeful about setting time aside to meditate and really think about what I want and who I am.

Being a parent I think will be a life long journey. Just knowing that other's struggle and have similar feelings I do has helped me through this weekend. That and a lot of deep breathing. I love my girls more than anything and I really want to do a good job with them. In the end, I just really hope they know how much I do love them!!!!

I am really trying to focus on the moment and not let the big picture of things overwhelm me. So today I am staying positive and being proactive in things I have ignored.

Follow Up From Last Night

So if you read last night's post, you'd know that I was very angry and upset. After writing, I went to bed still frustrated and angry mostly with myself. Angry that I can't make better choices, angry with the choices I have made, angry at my situation as a whole, angry that I am who I am, angry that I can't be the person I want to be, and so much more. Nothing seems to be going right. My phone isn't working, bills are piling up, work is chaotic, kids are having struggles, and I just can't keep up. I am done.

I don't know what else to do at this point. I thought things were supposed to get better if I started doing the "right" things, but that isn't the case. So after repeatedly telling myself the things I am thankful for in this moment I finally got some sleep. This morning I still feel very defeated. I did apologize to my children and am trying to start the day off with a smile on my face. All I can do is be thankful in the moment.

Like right now I am thankful that even though my phone doesn't work, I can still communicate through email and facebook. I am thankful that I have gas in my car and a job to go to. And I am most certainly thankful for that cup of coffee I will have once I get to work!

No matter how bad things are or seem, I have to remember the good things. I have to remember my thankful list because it's that list that will save me from completely losing it and acting out on all my old behaviors.

Defeat

I feel extremely defeated!!!!!!

Yes, to the point of crying and those that know me know that I do NOT cry!!!! I let myself for a minute, then gathered myself while saying that I am better than that. Do not cry!

Why do I feel this way? Well, I am guessing it is a compilation of several things that I just keep covering up with something else. Some because of circumstances out of my control and some because of my own choices.

Tonight I got so angry with my children for things that aren't completely their fault. I didn't yell or act out on them, just told them that I was upset and was going to lock myself in my room. Even though my anger was directed towards them, I have not and do not want to take it out them. But this is the first time I have actually walked away and chose to lock myself in my room. That's when the crying started and stopped just as quickly.

I feel like a complete failure as a parent. I have one child that seems to think I will "save" her from all her mistakes, accidents, or whatever else she needs and another that completely does not like me or even want to be around her family. Both my fault in how I have parented thus far. My anger came about when I had to get money for one that got theirs stolen and went to pick up the other one and was not where she said would be so I had to wait for her. My anger just kept boiling over and hit the peak when I got home and the one that needed the money walked in on me while I was in the bathroom to get it. So on a normal day, all this would be cause for consequences and teaching lessons. But not today.

Today plus the last little bit...here's the background...

As most know I barely make it financially and try my best to keep up with what my girls need and try really hard to once in a while let them have something they want. This is the first time since I have been on my own that I felt completely hopeless when it comes to money. My girls know that I struggle to provide for them and things are tough but they also see that I come through and they have their needs met. I can not buy things they need right now. Not even food. We are down to the last few packages of ramen and have a few cans of carrots and some oatmeal. There is no time in the near future that I can get them more food. My poor child is so constipated and sick from eating so much ramen, ugh! So between my own guilt as a parent being able to not provide, my daughter getting money stolen from her fundraiser box, I just got angry at her for not being more responsible.

As I also said earlier, one of them dislikes me. She is going through that stage where everyone hates her, nothing is fair, she feels she doesn't belong, etc. etc. etc. For a normal family, this is typical of a child her age going through so many changes and trying to figure out who they are and all that fun stuff. Well for me, I feel so inadequate as a parent as it is that when she says things like, "I don't want to be around my family," and "I can't trust any of you," I get over emotional. I want to fix it, fix her, but I can't. She has to go through her own emotions and learn from them just like everybody else.

I am slowly falling apart. I can't keep up anymore. I am tired and hungry. Oh yeah, my eating disorder loves that I have no food to eat. Add in that I have been sick for a couple weeks and I am one big hot mess!!!

Perspective? Yes, that's what I need to try to change. The outlook for tomorrow and next week look pretty dark and there isn't much I can do to change that. What I can do is be grateful tonight that I have a roof over my head, hot water, a bed, and was able to make dinner for girls. Tonight they ate, tonight they will sleep in a warm bed, tonight they will be able to shower with hot water, and tonight I will be able to tuck them in and tell them I love them.

Sick and Frustrated

I have thought long and hard about what to write about on here and every time I sit down to write, I delete. I used to be able to write everyday with no problem as words fly around my head at an overwhelming rate. I think I have been feeling very unsure of what I am going through and that it is no where near worthy of sharing compared to what others go through. So I wait for a big horrible event to share thinking that maybe someone else can relate and/or understand and not feel alone. Truth is I have been feeling very alone lately and continue to isolate more and more. So I have to just write. I have to begin to come out of the turtle shell I keep safely over my head, my life.

I have been dealing with body image big time. My body has not done what I want it to do or what even what others expected it to do during my recovery. My own thoughts on this has been things like, 'see, I don't need to eat', 'i was right all along', 'you people don't know what you are talking about', and but limited to, 'I knew there was always something wrong with me.' The things that I think while it is quiet and I am alone are things like, 'I am so stupid', 'I can't trust anyone', 'I am such a fat bitch', 'I hate myself so much so why try' and more. Yes, my mind tells me terrible things. Things I would never say to another person. Sometimes all that is so loud I have to act out. I have to make them be quiet or I give in to them and argue or agree until I am soooo tired I pass out. It's hard and exhausting.

The plus would be that all this plus my recovery knowledge has finally led me to take things a step further and ask my doctor what is going on. I found out somethings that are both hard to hear and relieving at the same time. Part of me feels like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders knowing that my body can't tolerate certain foods. Part of me is angry that I didn't ask questions sooner. The other part of me is even angrier that I let myself get this far into recovery without being more persistent and not eat because of my body. Confusing I know.

Today I sit here even more angry with myself. You see once I decided I was going to do what it takes to get myself healthy, I get sick. I have been sick with this cold/flu for 5 days now. In the past I would have laid in bed when I could and not eaten because I don't feel like eating when I am sick. This time I want to get better as quick as I can so I can get back to my routine so I drink orange juice, The dreaded, ever-forbidden orange juice. This threw me off all week. The next day, after reading the oj label, I stayed away but continually felt the guilt of that first glass. I try tea, water, and soup but could not shake the guilt of not sticking to what my body tolerates and needs. I am ashamed to admit that the guilt led me to throw my hands up and not care. So I drank more orange juice, more sugary drinks, and foods that my body does not like.

I feel miserable. Still very sick, coughing, fever, sneezing, no voice, and didn't go to work today. More guilt. When it comes down to it, I struggle with loving myself and my body enough to take care of it properly. I tell myself to be patient but all that does is give me room to mess up more. I am frustrated and tired. I feel like I can't do anything right. I feel that I am not lovable or worth caring about. It's hard to keep motivated.

So my new positive perspective on all of this. I am not sure. I know that logically I need to be patient with myself because I am sick. I also know that there seems to always be a reason or an excuse for me to be patient with myself. The bottom line is that I need to start making the choice to care and love myself enough to do what I need to do. To give my body what it needs.