Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Jenga! (yes, the game)

You all know the game Jenga where you continuously pull bricks from the bottom and stack them on top hoping the tower doesn't fall as you stare at this once solid foundation now with holes in it? It starts out fun, then gets stressful, then CRASH they all come tumbling down. Each brick placement, whether or not it's yours, affects the entire tower. Just one wrong move and boom, it's over. It's a really fun game, we all wait with anticipation on the edge of our seats waiting for that one brick, then laugh when it finally falls. Everyone works together to build up the tower and start all over again. 

Kind of like life itself. The difference is that many of us do not laugh when it falls, when we fall. Yes, even some of us our at the edge of our seats anxiously waiting to fall because we know it will happen. Some of us just lay there for a while unsure of what to do eventually giving in to the disaster. Some of us have others around us that start putting the pieces back together, and some of us can even laugh it off and build the tower by ourselves. Life is full of choices, stacking up bricks, falling, then getting back up again.  

This morning I sit here staring at all my Jenga pieces, spread out around me wondering what to do next. Yes, it fell last night. Now what? The recovery side of me knows that it's okay to just breath today if that's what it takes.The not-so-recovery part of me wants to crumble into the pile and never come out. The crazy side of me wants to throw the pieces up without a solid foundation and make haphazard decisions that need to be made. The OCD part of me wants to carefully and neatly stack all of them back up in perfect form. 

My choice however is to stack one brick at a time, slowly and with a good foundation. This means that for today, that first brick is to just breath and not make any decisions. It's okay that the rest are still waiting. Let them wait and pick them one by one, slow and steady. 

Monday, March 26, 2012

Who am I?

For the majority of my life, this has been a question running through my mind constantly. Who am I? And I have not been able to answer this question, ever. I don't know that I can really answer it now, but I also question whether anyone can. Here is why....

First I can tell you who I am not and how I discovered that. Learning who I am not was and will continue to be a difficult and often painful journey but still one that is necessary for learning. I know that I am not someone that you can put into a mold or fit into some structured setting. I have known this my whole life yet have tried so hard to fit in or be "normal" or be the person others expected me to be. Obviously that hasn't worked out. It has been painful because of my own choices or choices of others I have lost some things and people on this path. Ultimately I am choosing not to put myself into these molds anymore. I honestly don't know what this will look like or feel like but I know it's me. I know that through the pain, the journey, and the wins and loses I will learn to accept myself as a free spirit on a journey that I can create.

One big thing I learned on my journey was about my love for others. Something I thought didn't exist. While I am still learning that this is even possible (I thought for so long that it was impossible for me to love others and have relationships) and am still learning what this means and looks like in my life, I know it exists. Why? Because of one life changing experience. Almost a year ago, my ex-husband was in a scary situation. He was very ill and once they diagnosed him, he needed to go in for immediate surgery. I knew he was sick but didn't know the severity because of the nature of our relationship at that time. We were barely speaking. The day before the surgery as he was filling out all his paperwork and finalizing things before going into the hospital for what he thought was one week, he asked me if he could put me down as his medical power of attorney because he trusted me the most. What? We don't speak? I said okay because I didn't think it was a big deal. Little did I know. I sat by his bed right after surgery, watched life drain out of him slowly, made medical decision for him, pushed the nurses to investigate further, watched him go through a second life saving surgery, sat by his side while in ICU, watched him suffer through pain, fear, and recovery of this almost death situation. I was scared for him. I cried. I experienced emotions beyond anything I knew was possible. But I didn't show him any of that, I stayed strong and did what I to do to help him get better out of that hospital. Realizing he needed 24/7 care at first, I brought him to my home to make sure he got what he needed. Between the home-care nurse and myself he recovered each day and of course now he is fine and has a huge battle scar on his belly.

I tell you all that so you can get an understand of where I am coming from. Through this time I experienced a lot of questions. I don't want to say negativity because it was all a learning process for me. The main statement/question I got the most was "I can't believe you are doing all that for him!" My thoughts were always "but why wouldn't I?" The thought of him alone in the hospital, anyone in the hospital alone, especially in a scary situation, unable to do or say anything for themselves seems so far beyond unfair and scary than I can express. He needed help. He needed care. He needed to be nursed back to health. It isn't any different than the story of Good Samaritan. Stopping to care for someone that needs it, sacrificing time, money, and energy. This taught me that not only I am stronger than I thought I was but also that I have this loving, caring, compassionate heart that fears showing up. I fear if because of statements, like, "I can't believe you are doing that" My relationship with him changed forever through that time. My relationship with myself changed forever also. I have a big heart, I just can't be afraid to show it.

There are also things I enjoy in life that I don't do. I enjoy taking a few hours out of day and drawing. I enjoy hiking and being outside. I enjoy yoga, going for walks and runs, and coffee. I enjoy leaving love notes for my girls. I enjoy long conversations with them. I also enjoy wasting time on pinterest, haha. I don't know if these are things I will forever enjoy, but at this point in my life I enjoy them. The goal is to incorporate all this in my life to be more joyful every day.

My heart is beginning to smile and that's who I am.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly....sort of?

My head has been spinning about what to write next. Mainly because I feel judged and criticized over my blog. Maybe there isn't a clear understanding about the purpose and or maybe I should go a different direction. I am not sure but either way I am confused as to what to write about. So maybe I will just reiterate my purpose and make some changes all at the same time.

Since I started my first blog, my intention was for it to be raw. No editing, no rereading, and no erasing. Why? Because if I did I would erase the whole thing, due to my perfectionism, and it wouldn't serve any purpose. A couple years ago I wanted to write my experiences in recovery from an eating disorder so that others would know that they aren't alone. I know that I feel alone with so much of my feelings and thoughts and am afraid to share them all, even on here. No matter what I feel or say, I wanted to open myself up so others that were isolated and alone had some sort of feeling of togetherness, even if it is behind a computer.

I started this new blog about perspective to put a positive light into what I feel. That no matter how bad my thoughts or feelings were, there was always something positive, a new perspective on them. I am learning to turn things around into something new. Yes, I have bad days and yes I feel so alone much of the time but I know that somewhere out there is someone else feeling those same devastating thoughts thinking they are alone also. If I can just change my perspective and give someone else a little hope than I have served my purpose on this blog.

I know I have a lot to learn still and I know that my days can get pretty dark. I know that this is my journey of learning, growing, accepting, and changing. I know I will make mistakes, make poor decisions, offend some people, and even be imperfect.

This is my journey, the good, the bad, and the ugly, in part anyway.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Walking in recovery alone....or not?

Recovery in general is a very complex process. Whether it is alcoholism, drug addictions, or eating disorders. There is some deep rooted issues that a person struggles with that they act out in unhealthy ways. At some point one hits rock bottom, whatver that looks like for the individual and reaches out for some sort of help. Why? Because recovery is not meant to do alone. People aren't meant to be alone. They need others to help pick them up and tell them they are okay.

So why do we, why do I, spend a lot of time alone? Everyone has there own things to work through and their own reasons as to why. I spend my time in isolation and alone out of fear. I recently learned that I live in this extreme state of fear and failure that it stops me from almost everything in life. I fear judgement and scaring people by asking for help and for saying outloud what really is in my head. Maybe I am scared of my own thoughts. Maybe I am fear people running away. Maybe I fear people knowing I am not some perfect little mold that I should be. Maybe I fear myself and am afraid that I will fail other people. Maybe this constant state of failure is making me self-sabotage anything and everything I do. Maybe this failure keeps me alone. It keeps me from having to let people really see me.

The problem with that is that living in isolation keeps me sick and afraid. The problem with not opening up my mouth is that I don't ever get answers to my questions. The problem with staying away from people is that I never truly learn the meaning of love and acceptance.

I have tried recovery both ways, asking for help from others and going it alone. I need to find a happe medium between them both. Going it alone does not work at all. Walking with others is very difficult and scary and takes a lot of patience with myself. Sometimes I feel like that doesn't work either. The truth is that the more I am alone the more I stay in my head and the more my recovery suffers.

I can not do this alone and need to learn to ask for what I need and maybe more importantly accept that I do need help. The next trick is learning who to ask what.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Parenting

I have thoroughly convinced myself that I should not have been a parent. After all, if I can't take care of myself, how am I supposed to take care of someone else? It's a thought and question that has run through my mind for years and years. There are plenty of times I am full of regret and sadness. Sadness for them that I am not what they deserve.

Last week something happened and I had to be the disciplinarian and teacher to all three girls. My immediate response was "wow, I really am a failure". While I still have that negative thought about myself, especially as a parent, I put on my big girl panties and dealt with each situation. They were extremely tough and emotional and still have a ways to go in the teaching department but under control, or at least I think.

This last week brought up so many intense emotions for me, which ultimately are much harder to deal with than the actual parenting. Despite that I feel I should not have had kids, I love my girls more than I can say. They have saved my life a few times. They also can snap me back to reality much of the time. I know it's a selfish thing to think but sometimes I think they were given to me to save my life. I try to teach them values, morals, to have goals, and to enjoy life. I can only hope that when they move on and out of my house they have something they remember that is positive aren't completely angry with me for not being someone else.

Okay, so enough of the yucky stuff. Yes, I still feel great sadness for my girls and feel like I have completely failed them but every once in a while I get a glimmer of hope and that snap to change my perspective. You see this time it was my oldest daughter that melted my heart. She is in need of new glasses and I told her I would take her next payday. I feel horrible because her current prescription is causing her headaches and wish I could get her in right away. A few days ago my permanent retainer broke and I am currently using wax to keep the wire from destroying my tongue. As Kirsten is watching me put wax in my mouth, she says that I should make an appointment and go get it fixed. I respond with, "I will after I get you your new glasses." She follows up with, "aaawww mom, I can wait, it's more important that you get your mouth fixed." Yes, my heart and soul melted like butter. In that moment, I knew that even though I feel like I did a horrible job raising them, I didn't. Sure they make poor choices and sure some may be indirectly my fault, but at the end of the day she has a great heart. They all do.

What I learned from all of this is that no matter how much they mess up, their hearts and souls are still gentle, loving, and just plain old awesome! And that is partly my fault too. Parenting is a tough job no matter the situation, just look for the little things and hold onto them with all you've got. That is what keeps me going.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Fork in the Road

Everyone has many forks in the road throughout the life journey. They can be small forks or big forks and some are even life changing forks. I sit here this morning at what could be a potentially life changing fork. Before I get into that, I will write about some of my forks.

Feb. 10, 1996 was a life changing fork. The day I got married. I had the choice to marry or not and part of me knew it was a bad idea but I did it anyway. Despite everything I went through then and now, I loved him and made the choice to marry. I still love him and always will. He is a part of me that I chose to let in. I can't take it back even though there have been many times I wish I could hit the rewind button, but I also have learned a great deal from my experiences.

Summer of 2002 was another huge fork. Without going into to much detail, I had to make decisions and lots of them. I was depressed beyond anything I could recognize. I was pregnant with child number 3 and caught my husband for the last time behaving inappropriately. I made some decisions over the next few months that I can't change but still think about. I'd like to think I learned from all of that but mostly I feel guilt and shame. Either way, that summer changed my life.

March 5, 2009, the day my friend drove me to CA and helped checked me into treatment. I could have not gone and laid in my bed until I died. I could have ignored my children, ignored that inner voice that knew I needed something different, but I didn't. I got in that car and left my family behind to do something I thought was extremely selfish. It changed my life. I learned so much while there, met some great people, and of course fell in love with the beach. A couple days ago I hit the 3 year mark and have been depressed about it. I am very unsure of my feelings. One thing I do know is that I am sad about some of the choices I have made since then. All the little forks.

Today I sit here wondering what happened to my life. I have been up all night picking apart every detail of the last couple of years. Those little forks and the big ones and why I made the choices I did. You see I am so convinced that I can't do this. I just can't raise 3 girls on my own and I can't do what everyone expects me to do. I can't even figure out life for myself.

My fork this morning is very complex. I am failure. I failed at so many things that I was expected to do well in. How much of this failure is me setting myself up for it and how much is out of my control? I really want to give up. I want to throw the towel in and run away. Just throw some clothes in my car and drive, anywhere but here. The choices I have made that may have led up to this fork are unbearable. I am lost, lonely, scared, standing at this fork with no idea what to do. No idea how to fix this and no idea what decisions to make. I fear not being able to pick myself up from this one.

Forks....

Saturday, March 3, 2012

My Morning Routine

Sticking to the body image theme, I want to share more about mine. I have a very negative body image. There are things I avoid, like looking in the mirror, stepping on scales, trying on and buying clothes, and so on. I understand that most women have issues and may not like clothes shopping either. I understand the difference between extreme behavior and just having negative thoughts. With great hesitation and fear I am stepping out of my box willing to share some of those with you.

Mirrors. I do not look in mirrors. Not even to do my hair. If by chance I decide to put makeup on, I get really close and only look at my eyelids being ever so careful not to avert my eyes anywhere else. If I do the whole day is a big battle. Once I managed to get through that part of the morning in the bathroom, it's time to lotion up. Sounds easy right? You see, I have eczema and need to put Vaseline on the trunk part of my body. I went many many years ignoring this so I do not touch my body. Every inch would get some sort of critique and what to do about it. I have tried to take more care of myself lately and put the Vaseline on every morning to keep my skin healthy. Yuck! I love that it works and I am not itchy. I hate that I have to touch my belly. I hurry and throw some clothes on to cover up almost everything and top it all off with a scarf to hide more.

I tell you this because I do take things more to an extreme than a woman that simply states, "ugh, i hate my belly" or "I feel gross today" A "normal" woman would say things to themselves and may even call a friend and say them out loud, then get dressed and go on with their day. Me and many other eating disorder girls can't. It freezes me and prevents me from doing things I have to or even want to. It may even cause restriction that day and extreme sadness because I can not get those thoughts and beliefs about myself out of my head.

This morning as I was putting on the Vaseline I told myself all the negative things and critiques about my body. I also told myself that even though I hate it, my belly held three beautiful baby girls in it. I am thankful that I was able to have my girls. I know many women that can not have their own children due to the disorder and that makes me sad. Knowing that somehow, sometime, someone helped them along in their disorder. My belly grew my daughters. My belly kept them safe and fed and warm for nine months until they joined me in my journey. I love my daughters and I do not want the same for them. No matter what I have been through or what goes through my head, I have to overcome that with them. I would never say the things I say to myself to them.

My challenge is to keep taking care of my body by treating the eczema even if it means touching my body. The thoughts will still come and I will still hate my body but I will keep fighting for me, for my girls!

Friday, March 2, 2012

The Things We Say

Yesterday was a very tough body image day for me all because of what a co-worker said to me.

Let me back up just a little bit. As you all know I have an eating disorder and for those that I haven't seen me in a while you would never know. Why? Because there is this stigma that people with eating disorders "look" a certain way. While body image is a huge issue for me, these past couple of years I have slowly gained weight. I absolutely hate it. Of course I get comments from other people like, "You are so not fat" and "Quit saying that, it's not even true", but my internal struggle is very overwhelming. After fearing why or facing and health concerns for 2 years, I finally went to the doctor and got more blood work done. Not surprisingly there are some issues. The doctor seems fairly confident that if I follow his plan, my body will stop rebelling against me. This brought on many emotions as you can imagine. I was relieved because there was a reason for my body to do what it did. After that quick sigh of relief came anger. I was and still am angry at myself for mistreating my body so much that now it hates me. I am still very anxious and stressed about the whole thing and still have a lot of processing to do but all in all I feel a little better having an answer.

In the meantime, I go through each day triggered all day long and having to fight against the negative thoughts, images, etc that I experience everyday, whether it is internal or external. Which brings me to yesterday. I have a sticker on the back of my car that says..."Fight it until you bite it! Eating Disorder Awareness" It's been on my car for about 2 years now. Anyway, a guy co-worker asks me about it yesterday. He says, I saw your sticker on your car, did you go to a class or a group for over eaters?  Oh my goodness! Really? I won't go into detail about where my head went but wow! As I tried to tell him no, he over spoke me and just kept talking about how he has the same problem. I just plain old feel miserable about it. The crazy thing is that he doesn't even see me eat at work. When he has, it's been carrots to which he comments, what are you on the Karen Carpenter diet? Needless to say, things he says creates internal yuck for me.

I tell you this story because it makes me think about things people say. At first I wanted to write a list of what not to say to a recovering eating disorder girl but that would be an extremely long list and even then the list would vary from person to person. I understand his, and society's, ignorance to eating disorders. I understand that most people don't get that things you say can really really impact a person. You all know the old saying, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me", right? I am not sure who came up with that but how many of us hold onto the words of another and how long do we hold onto them?

Here's the challenge: really watch what you say and try to see things from the other person's perspective. It is a very hard thing to do because we live in such a self-focused world. I know I have said inappropriate things to others and wish I could erase it all, the ones I know about and the ones I don't about.

We can't take away our words so be careful with them!