Breath

So I had a conversation with someone today that indirectly encouraged me to love myself enough to really take care of myself, not just take care of myself, but also to do what it takes to find out what I need. She told me that starving myself is not the answer. Okay, well yeah, I have heard that for the last probably 4 years now. Of course logically I know that. I have known that since I was a kid but that hasn't prevented me from doing it. I can have all the book knowledge in the world and can even spew it out when someone challenges those lessons, but to apply it all to myself? Now that has seemed next to impossible.

Anyone that suffers or has suffered from an eating disorder knows exactly what I am talking about. They also know how long it takes to fully recover and long and painful journey it is.

My point, yes I have one. At this stage in my recovery, something that I have been thinking about and even working on is loving myself to take care of myself. Something I have not valued before. I didn't care if I lived or died, I didn't even care if I ate even though I was in recovery. I wanted and still kind of do want it both ways. My eating disorder and recovery. Someone pointed out to me that I have been talking about things like valuing myself and doing things that I need not what others want me to do. She pointed out that I am starting to value myself. Weird. I am still not sure I completely believe it but I do know I have taken steps to take care of myself. Big steps even. Steps I could have cared less about before.

So here I go on this next step and going to seek more medical advice and testing so that I can further my knowledge about how my body works and what it needs, not what ED is telling me it needs, or doesn't need for that matter. This is very scary for me. It not only means having answers but means that I have to love myself enough to follow through and really do what I need to do.

This is not just a physical process, this will also be emotionally trying and exhausting. It may involve much tears and release of things I hold tight in my heart and soul. This won't happen overnight but I guess I just keep going, step by step, little by little. I just keep breathing.

"Roots Before Branches"

http://youtu.be/9KJwyQ7F7Dg

This is my new favorite song. The first time I heard this, I was instantly connected. If you haven't clicked on the link, please do so before or while you are reading this blog.

This song has so many meanings to me I may not even be able to voice them all. I believe that everyone needs to have "roots before branches" and most of all, I believe I NEED to plant my roots.

One thing that I get very sad about is being single. I hate going to bed every night alone and even more I hate the feeling of not being good enough. This song instantly reminded me that I can't even be in a relationship with out these roots. I am not even just talking about a relationship with a man, I mean any kind of relationship. I struggle having relationships with anyone, friends and otherwise. I have wanted to for so long for "people" to just love and accept me for me but deep down I know that I have to have my roots first. I need to love and accept myself before I can expect anyone else to love and accept me. Without these roots I just push everyone away. I can blame it on trust issues, fear, past abuse, or whatever feeling I may have but I think it comes down to just plain old roots.

Another thing I struggle with is my education. I feel like I am not good enough and a failure to everyone around me. I hear things like, 'no, don't take a break' and 'no, you need to take as many classes as you can so you can get done more quickly'. Statements like these put in such a deep self-hatred and lack of acceptance for myself. It's a horrible feeling. Again, this song reminds me that I need to have my roots. It's very hard for me to even know why I am going to college or what I want to do when I grow up if I don't have my strongly planted roots. How do I grow my educational branches without these basic roots? I don't want to feel this self-loathing just because I can't handle taking a full-time load of classes.

I could go on and on about my feelings, especially my hatred for my life and my ability to recover from the past and this eating disorder and how they connect to this song. Ultimately finding a "place in this world..." needs to happen before I can be successful in anything, relationships, college, and anything else that I may face.

Yes, I do not accept myself for who I am. There I said it. "I gotta have roots before branches to know who I am before I know who I want to be. And faith to take chances to live like I see a place in this world for me." I just love this song and what it is saying.

Now what? How do I discover my roots?

"Concrete Angel"

This morning my girls had the radio on and for some reason this song came on that is and always has been a very emotional song for me. I recommend you click the link and listen to it first before continuing on with my post.

http://youtu.be/KtNYA4pAGjI

Okay, now that you have listened and watched and maybe shed a few tears, this is real. This is real in my life and my kids' lives. I regret so much and still blame myself for everything and I mean everything. From being a kid and not doing things perfect or being perfect or even just good enough to closing my eyes and ears to what my own children were telling me. I was so wrapped up confusion and who knows what. I didn't want to believe any of it. I still don't.

This morning, I heard this song. This morning while trying to dye my hair and cover up the imperfections, this song played from my living room. I don't know if I have to admit truth and quit lying to myself. This is a part of my life that I ignore and run from.

Either way I still feel like a horrible person, not worthy of anything other than the worst. This is a huge road block in my recovery and logically I know that but there is just something holding me back. Something that won't let me admit it all, talk about it all, cry about it all, deal with it all, and move on from it all. I just don't feel I deserve any better.

"We Bought a Zoo"

The other night I watched "We Bought A Zoo" with my girls. It was a great movie with a very touching story line. Come to find out it's based on a true story. Wow, really? I admired the man so much more for starting a fresh new life with his children.

Let me back up. For those that haven't seen the movie, I will try not to give to much away. The basic story is that this family lost their wife and mother and are struggling to move on. A dad is trying to raise his two kids on his own through all their struggles, grief, and loss. He ends up quitting his job and looks for a new house for a new start for him and his children. Finally settling on this huge new adventure of purchasing a house that comes with a failing zoo. I recommend watching it if you haven't seen it yet.

I do not know what it is like to lose a spouse to death and will never claim to. If you have, I am so very sorry and have great empathy for your situation.

With that said, I do know what it's like to lose a spouse to divorce. My situation was a very long, strange and unique one with many trials. I sit here, 3 years, later still struggling on how to pick up and move on, but with the same desires as this father had in the movie. He wanted a fresh new start for his family. I want a fresh new start for my family. Now I can't go out a buy a zoo or even a new house for that matter nor do I have any money available to me to have a lot of choices. My heart still wants this fresh start. My heart still wants to have this new life with my girls that I feel is just impossible. I don't know where to go, how to feel, what to do, etc. I have tried many things through this trying time and none have been the fresh start I am looking for. Maybe because I just don't know what I am looking for.

Ultimately, I think I want something that doesn't exist. Because of this thought, I stay in this circle of doom. Because it's unreachable, I figure I need to settle. Settle for unhappiness, settle for torment, settle for this so called life. The inner turmoil I experience everyday is unrelenting. I feel as though I am in this life just doing what I need to each day to make it through. According to things I have learned in recovery, it's not supposed to be this way.

What I do know is that I need to find my "zoo" and start over. I need to figure out who I am and what I want for me and my girls. I need a fresh new beginning for this new stage in my life.

Being a Mom

Following up on yesterday's post about depression, I am very proud to say that today I am trying very hard to stay proactive against it. I have not crawled back into bed after taking my girls to school and have prepared and cooked, yes cooked my meals for the day. During my times of reality and being up, my plan is to continue to take advantage of it and keep going. Maybe one day the times will be longer and longer and I won't have to fight as hard.

Anyway, today's topic is one that plagues me each and every day. Being a mother. I have several people around me that are pregnant and sometimes it can be very hard to watch. I don't even know what they are going through because many of them have been getting quite ill. I never experienced morning sickness or water retention or any of the other typical pregnancy issues. I was also very young and naive of what was happening to my body and how to be a mother. My experiences as a pregnant mom-to-be were not really that bad. The worst was my third when I was put on bed rest a couple of times through out the 9 months. My deliveries were also pretty easy, my girls pretty much walked out and I did not spend time pushing for hours. One push and they fell, literally. All three of them were barely caught by the doctor. My experiences were scary and strange and I was oblivious to most of what I was going through.

I have had all the same fears my friends have now. From my body changing to how to raise a kid. So here I am 15 years later with 3 beautiful daughters that all have changed my life in their own way. My oldest is preparing to drive and get a job so she can save money and go to NYU when she is 18. She has big plans and goals for herself and I am doing what I can to help and support her. Even though I feel like she is a good kid, I still fear that I totally screwed her up. I fear that I didn't do enough. I fear that emotionally she will be in therapy the rest of her life once she realizes what harm I actually did.

Raising children is one of the hardest things a person can do. Whether you are married, a single mom or dad, or any other type of guardian. I have been a stay at home mom, a working mom, and am now a single mom. No matter what title I hold, it is hard. I can't help be jealous of my friends that waited until they were older to start raising a family. In my mind they are wiser and have more life experience and more stable in their income. I wish that I had time to deal with my demons first so that I could have been fully prepared for what I was facing with children.

At this point in me being a mother, I can not control much of what happens. They go out into the world and have their own experiences and have their own demons they have to face. I can only guide them and hope that they can learn from them and continue to grow into healthy young adults. I feel like I failed them greatly. I know I can't "fix" them or pick up all the pieces because they have to learn on their own but I also can't help blame myself for marrying who I did and sort of choosing to have them so young. It's sooooo not fair to them.

I love them. I fear for them. I worry for them. They are my heart!

Depression

Wow, it's been a couple of weeks since I have posted. Well, first I will update you on the last few weeks, briefly. My schedule has been changed a multitude of times at work, which has left me in a state of utter frustration. Mostly because I really hate change. I don't handle it very well. It throws me off so badly that I find myself sometimes just sitting blankly for hours and hours. Not good, I know. I also have so many feelings and thoughts about my new schedule. As much as I wanted to work days so I could be home at night with my girls, I am afraid of that very thing. Will I be able to feed them properly, will I be able to deal with the ex, will I be able to deal with all my girls' emotions and activities, will I be able to give them the attention the need and deserve, and so on. This has started me in this deep depression that for the first time I recognized, before it was to late.

Which brings me to what I want to write about today, depression. There is such a stigma and complete misunderstanding of what depression is out there. This is why I fear admitting that this is one of my many ailments. But, yes, I do suffer from clinical depression. I hate it. If there is one thing I hate most about myself, it's my depression. I hate that I have very little control over it. Many of you may be thinking at this point that if I wanted I could control it. You know the old saying, "happiness is a choice"? Well, yes it can be a choice and there are days, well mostly every day I wake up and tell myself that today I am going to be happy. Unfortunately it's not as simple as that. I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that does not allow me to see reality for what it really is. This imbalance has control over my brain and my choices. This is what I hate the most. Most of the time I don't even realize that I am headed to a dark place until someone or something tells me. And even then, that's only because of my recovery experiences and allowing myself to be open to my therapist and her suggestions and wisdom. It's a very sad place to be.

My depression has impacted my life in more ways than I want it to. It affects my social life, my relationship with my girls, any relationship for that matter, how I live everyday, my choices, and my thoughts. My first experience with recovery was very confusing to me. One thing that was said over and over again is that we don't chase each other. I never really knew what that meant nor do I like that philosophy. I understand that if someone doesn't want recovery it is not any one's job to push them or force them to do things they aren't ready for or that they don't want to. What I don't understand is if we don't "chase" those that don't know any different, how will they ever know? For example, if I suffer from depression and don't know that it's been weeks since I have gotten out of bed or made an appearance at a social function, if someone doesn't call me or check to see if I am OK, how will I ever know or snap out of the depression. How will I ever learn to grow and function with this disease? It doesn't make much sense to me.

I do feel that I have been ignored because of this very "rule". Or at least I'd like to think that's what it is and not because my "friends" just plain old don't like me. These last couple of years I have felt abandoned and left alone to live this life that I just can't do alone. I know that I have made bad choices and have been in such a depression that nothing else matters. I wish that my "friends" reached out more and pointed out that I haven't been around more. I wish that my job hours didn't impact my entire life. I sit here today able to recognize and voice that I have this issue and it is something I want to grow from, but I can't do it alone.

I need help. I need phone calls. I need to be invited to functions. I need to not be ignored. I need to be shaken every once in a while. I need help with my girls. I need someone to be a source of reason when my brain isn't. Without being "chased" this can never happen and that makes me very sad.

Depression is real thing. It's a real chemical imbalance that does not allow a person to see reality or even know the difference. Knowing all of this in my moment of reality, I know that I can fight this with or without "friends". I'd rather do it with people around me and know that it would be much healthier and faster. Either way, I do choose to be healthy and will continue to wake up every day fighting no matter what the day brings.