Now what?

Tonight was a little strange. I did something I haven't done in a while and I'm not sure why. It was just something I felt I had to do.

What I learned from it....not sure completely but I did get some clarity. Something so odd and so unexpected. I sit here now, tonight, in confusion. Not because of the clarity but because I am not sure where to go from here.

Now that you all are confused, closed this blog, or are intrigued, let me explain a little more.

One thing that I am clear on is that through out these last few years as I struggled, fought, and continued on this recovery path, I have done what people told me to do. I trusted people, I believed people, and I followed people. I was on auto-pilot with whom ever I was with. That may sound a little strange but I thought I was always doing the right thing. As long as I did or said what "they" told me to do, I was on the right path.

The problem I struggle with, even through the last few years, is the overwhelming sense of losing myself in all of it. I continued to do what I was told thinking that eventually things would change. That if I did things right then I would "feel" better or "be" better. But 3 years and many choices later, I still feel like I am not me. I feel like things will never change. I would always fight against this unknown and never really fit in anywhere or belong.

Tonight it became clear to me that doing things that people told me to do for my recovery didn't help me at all. While I am a different person than I was 3 years ago, I have been stuck these last few months or so and now I think I know why. I asked for help, I journalled, I sacrificed, I robotically did things. I am pretty sure that through all of what I have been through, I have not had my own thoughts, my own actions, my own choices, my own wants, my own needs, my own learning, my own recovery.

I know that all this probably doesn't make sense but I need to learn for myself what things mean to me in my life, not what other people tell me they are. I need to stand on my own two feet. I need figure out what I need to move forward in my own recovery. I need to know what works for me and not what works for everyone else.

The real question is....now what? What do I do with the flood of information and clarity?

Relationships part 2

I struggle this morning with so many things that I finally decided to just write. I have written, deleted, thought, erased, and repeated the process because nothing seems to really clarify anything I am actually feeling this morning. I am confused on so many things like, ED, relationships, my perspectives, my health, motherhood, being single, and so on. Yes, all this runs through my head pretty much all the time. It is very difficult to quiet my mind enough to get rest or at least a break from the thoughts. Work is good because I can focus on that, or at least until someone makes a random comment that starts the flooding again.

I am overwhelmed with so many thoughts this morning. Thoughts of who I am, who ED is, what part does he really play in my life, why am I so selfish, how come I can't be the parent I want to be, why am I so fat and ugly, why don't I have a scale in my house, and it just keeps going. If I can just step on a scale, I could know the answer to these questions. But that's not true. That's ED telling me that I am worth what the scale says. Everything I know about recovery is the opposite. I am not worth that number.

The healthy-self wants so much more out of life. But she is also very scared of what that means and looks like. It's scary to step into something new. It's scary to even admit things that have been so deeply buried for so long that I can't tell if it's me or ED. Fighting against ED is like fighting against myself constantly. I am so frustrated that I can't tell the difference. I am so frustrated that I have to my faith and trust in others to tell me the difference.

Today I am just so exhausted!

Even though I am exhausted with this process, I can still have enough of a different perspective to know that I am very thankful for so many things in my life. I see others' going through worse situations. While I have great empathy for those around me, I can't forget to take care of myself and continue this journey, this fight that I started 3 years ago.

With all my thoughts and frustrations and even confusions about relationships lately, I can't forget the one with myself. I need to work on that one so that I can have healthy relationships with others.

Relationships

Lately I have been thinking a lot about relationships. Relationships of all kinds. Friendships, acquaintances, co-workers, past, present, future, my children, and so on. Like I said, all types. I have been stewing all day, everyday, that I am driving myself crazy. What I can't figure out is why this has been such a huge factor lately and why it's an area that I have a hard time facing.

In my moments of clarity with knowing what I want and who I am, I have made decisions, hard ones, that I needed to make. Decisions that are hurtful all around. I hurt. My heart hurts. My soul hurts. But I have to do what's best for me no matter the cost, meaning possibly losing relationships. I have to be willing to let go with hopes that the better will come along.

Better. What does that even mean? How do I trust that there is better? The truth is that I can't. I can't know that there are people out there that will accept me for who I am and respect me without any conditions or judgements or expectations. I am not sure if that's "normal", but I do know that it's what I want.

I think I have just come to some conclusions about who I am and what I want. I know it's crazy. I know I am crazy. I know that this is me right now and I know what I need and what I don't need. I am trying to commit to myself. Meaning that I need to pay attention to my needs and wants and love myself enough to make it happen. Love myself to surround myself with people that aren't going to make me feel less of a person or judged or incompetent. People that will support and love me no matter what. It's a lot to ask for and maybe I am being a little selfish but it's time to stand up for me.

Granted this is still a process and I am not completely sure what I am doing, but I am trying to figure it out.

Health or Looks?

The last few weeks I have undergone blood tests and such to get answers about what is wrong with me. Fortunately, I think there are answers, which gives me some relief until I sit and really think about it. Here's why:

I'd like to say that I started this whole process because of my health and that I want to live this life of optimal health and feeling good, but I can't. I started because of my severe hatred for my body. I put it off for a couple of years out of fear. Fear of not getting answers, fear of nothing being wrong, fear of having to blame myself. I finally get fed up and started the process what would be several blood tests, girl appointments, and so on. I was fed up with how I looked, not I how felt. What I felt or feel on a daily basis is so normal to me that I don't see anything else or even any possibilities in that part being different. I wanted my body to do what I wanted it to do. I wanted anything, pills, magic, anything to fix it.

Thus far, I do have some answers. I found out that my vitamins are deficient, my hormones are out of whack, my thyroid isn't working properly and so on. It's devastating. While there is partial relief in having some answers, there is still much frustration. I am now on more vitamins, pills, and a different "diet" that I don't know what to do with myself. My body is going through all these changes all at once and I am tired. I haven't felt well in over a week and am driving myself crazy with what to eat. I just want to crawl into bed and hide away.

The good news, if it is anyway is that I get compliments at work about looking different. Not physically but my vibe. I have been told that I have a different glow about me and that its really nice to see me this way. I have had people tell me that they can't put their finger on it but that they can see a difference in me. I smile, say thanks, and move on but inside I am confused. I have no idea what they are talking about. Could all these vitamins and pills really be working and my body is getting into balance and healthy? Is it really possible for me to be healthy and feel different? What in the world is going on?

I wish I could answer this but I can't. I am so wrapped up in what the scale says who I am instead of what I really am. I want the scale to tell me that I am different. It really is sad that people with eating disorders are so wrapped up in what that stupid scale says that when people give them compliments it doesn't mean much. I have been in my recovery long enough to logically look at this and to really ponder what has been said to me, but at the end of the day, all I want is to step on a scale and see if they are right.