I have been doing a lot painting and drawing instead of keeping up on my blog even though I have so much to write about. As all the topics run through my, I can get overwhelmed. Triggers have been popping up left and right and I guess that's why I have been focusing on my creative side, so I don't have to think about the bad stuff, which I have been told is actually a good idea. So for this blog, I will write about one of them that happened last week.
I took my daughter to work with me on "Take Your Child to Work Day", something I didn't want to do but she wanted to so badly see what I did all day. You see, she wants to do everything I do. Strange because I don't think I am a very exciting person. I really discovered this about her with my recent creative outlet. Since I have started painting, I come home from work with her paintings all over my table. It's really cute but I honestly don't know how to react to it. Anyway, she went to work with me with her all done, lip gloss on, and a nice outfit. She packed her bag full of crayons, markers, paper, and books to read. She was more excited than I was.
She followed me, watched me and met my coworkers. That was easy because every single one of them were taken back by how much she looks just like me. I was shocked by that because I don't think she looks like me at all. One particular person said, "wow, she is so beautiful and looks just like you." Without thinking this through, this is what automatically came out of my mouth, "What? No way, I am fat and ugly and she is adorable and cute." Yes, ED reared his ugly head and didn't stay quiet. I was embarrassed and wanted to take it back, not because I don't believe it, but because I don't say those things out loud, especially at work. As far as they all know, I am a perfectly normal person.
This got me thinking and asking myself so many questions. One is, Why do I see a different reflection than everyone else? I just don't understand why I have to see something so different and horrible. This statement of hers and mine triggered me to the point of having the obsessive thoughts about food and exercise the rest of the night. I struggled eating and I struggled being there in front of people. I was so self conscious of how I looked that I tried very hard to stay hidden. It was very sad.
Today, and everyday, I always have these things on my mind but when it comes out in the open I am more prone to hide. This is not something I am sure of as to why but it happens. I guess it's something I need to delve into more. In the meantime, I hate that I feel so negative about myself that I feel the need to hide from the world and even my children. I also hate that I don't feel like it will ever change and I am stuck for the rest of my life with these negative thoughts. Sometimes I just want to throw the towel in because facing these thoughts and feelings are just to scary.
On the plus side, my daughter had a blast and said she loves my work. I wonder if she went to the same place I did, lol? Or maybe it has to do with how everyone would tell her how cute she is and give her candy and treats. Either way, looking at my job through her eyes can change how I view my job everyday.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Change
Change is something that is hard for me , always has been. Even the little things like moving the canister on the kitchen counter. Sounds silly I know, but I do have OCD and issues that contribute to this difficulty. While I am working on functioning on a "normal" level with these issues, I think big changes will always be hard. Especially when they involve putting up very strong boundaries.
There will be change coming into my future and that terrifies me but it has to be done. I can't let my anxiety and OCD and fears get in my way anymore. The problem is that I don't know what this change looks like. I don't know if it will be one big jump or if it will take take and smaller steps. There is so much to think about and plan it is so very overwhelming. I also have to think about my girls. I need to look at the big picture while staying in the moment and evaluating what is best for me.
Someone told me not to worry about the little things and do what is best for you and your girls and everything else will fall into place. There is great importance to that but my problem is that I have been trained or always have second guesses or that's just not possible or I wasn't even meant to have a better life. I have so many negative thoughts that have been engraved into my very soul that it's so difficult to pull each one out. It's hard to know which ones are legitimate and which ones are only worth trash. This makes my head spin and spin.
What I do know is that it's time to love myself enough to take care of myself. I need to do what is best for me. I need to stand strong on those decisions no matter what anyone says to me or no matter what they want for me. It's a hard concept in recovery and I know I am not the only that feels this way. That is so fearful of the change or letting others down, they do nothing. I want to do something. It's time to do something.
I need love, support, encouragement, and all that good stuff around me to accomplish this. This is probably one of the hardest changes/decisions I have made in the last 3 years.
There will be change coming into my future and that terrifies me but it has to be done. I can't let my anxiety and OCD and fears get in my way anymore. The problem is that I don't know what this change looks like. I don't know if it will be one big jump or if it will take take and smaller steps. There is so much to think about and plan it is so very overwhelming. I also have to think about my girls. I need to look at the big picture while staying in the moment and evaluating what is best for me.
Someone told me not to worry about the little things and do what is best for you and your girls and everything else will fall into place. There is great importance to that but my problem is that I have been trained or always have second guesses or that's just not possible or I wasn't even meant to have a better life. I have so many negative thoughts that have been engraved into my very soul that it's so difficult to pull each one out. It's hard to know which ones are legitimate and which ones are only worth trash. This makes my head spin and spin.
What I do know is that it's time to love myself enough to take care of myself. I need to do what is best for me. I need to stand strong on those decisions no matter what anyone says to me or no matter what they want for me. It's a hard concept in recovery and I know I am not the only that feels this way. That is so fearful of the change or letting others down, they do nothing. I want to do something. It's time to do something.
I need love, support, encouragement, and all that good stuff around me to accomplish this. This is probably one of the hardest changes/decisions I have made in the last 3 years.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Love
The challenge today is to write about love, yes love. Not romantic love but what it means to love myself and my girls enough to take care of myself and my girls. The kind of love I have for them, what it means, what it looks like, how to love myself, and blah blah blah. The person that challenged me better be reading this and is probably chuckling right now, or at least that is what I imagine her doing. Anyway, this thing called love.
I have always questioned what it means and looks like. I don't remember ever being stable in it or at least not seeing it as conditional or materialistic. This of course damaged my self-esteem tremendously as it ate at me day in and day out. Today I am convinced I am unlovable and seem to have given up on the whole idea.
Here's the thing. When I say that, the most common response I get is, "but what about your girls?" Yes, what about them? I love them or at least I think I do. I would do anything to try to protect them and provide for them even if it's at my own detriment. I want for them a much better life. I will also admit that I am not perfect and have not made the best choices but I can also say that I did what I could with what I had and knew at the time. I will never be the perfect parent but I do know I will always try to show them a life full of self-improvement, a life of fighting for better, and that they deserve so much more. I do love them and that love keeps me sane and fighting for me. That love gives me moments of clarity that I can grow from. I don't know if that's the "right" kind of love, but it's what I got.
So the next question is how do I love myself enough to take care of myself? This I do not know. What does it mean to truly love oneself? How do you love yourself without becoming so stuck up and snotty? How do I love myself without hurting those around me? How do I love myself so that I don't continue to hurt me? Good questions and ones I can not answer, at least not yet. Maybe someday I will be able to know what that means or even feels like. Maybe I will be able to love myself enough to not only do the simple things but to see a future full of promise and joy and energy, just like I want for my girls.
Love? What is love? How do I obtain it? How do I see it? What does it really mean for oneself? How do I show it to others? How do I receive it without getting scared? Someday....
I have always questioned what it means and looks like. I don't remember ever being stable in it or at least not seeing it as conditional or materialistic. This of course damaged my self-esteem tremendously as it ate at me day in and day out. Today I am convinced I am unlovable and seem to have given up on the whole idea.
Here's the thing. When I say that, the most common response I get is, "but what about your girls?" Yes, what about them? I love them or at least I think I do. I would do anything to try to protect them and provide for them even if it's at my own detriment. I want for them a much better life. I will also admit that I am not perfect and have not made the best choices but I can also say that I did what I could with what I had and knew at the time. I will never be the perfect parent but I do know I will always try to show them a life full of self-improvement, a life of fighting for better, and that they deserve so much more. I do love them and that love keeps me sane and fighting for me. That love gives me moments of clarity that I can grow from. I don't know if that's the "right" kind of love, but it's what I got.
So the next question is how do I love myself enough to take care of myself? This I do not know. What does it mean to truly love oneself? How do you love yourself without becoming so stuck up and snotty? How do I love myself without hurting those around me? How do I love myself so that I don't continue to hurt me? Good questions and ones I can not answer, at least not yet. Maybe someday I will be able to know what that means or even feels like. Maybe I will be able to love myself enough to not only do the simple things but to see a future full of promise and joy and energy, just like I want for my girls.
Love? What is love? How do I obtain it? How do I see it? What does it really mean for oneself? How do I show it to others? How do I receive it without getting scared? Someday....
Saturday, May 5, 2012
One Direction
If you listen to the radio then you have heard the most overplayed song, "You don't know you're beautiful" by One Direction. I actually don't even know if that's the name of the song so please don't quote me on that, haha. Anyway, I have heard this song play over and over again and finally listened to the words. After processing and thinking, I dedicate it to all girls and women out there. Anyway that has or is struggling with their body image needs to listen to this song with new ears.
Yes, it's about falling in love and all that ooey gooey stuff, but think about it. All of us that suffer everyday with our bodies and hear the ugly inner dialogue repeatedly, don't know how others see us. Every one of us have people in our lives that see us completely different, and every one of those people have their answers if we were to ask them why they think we are beautiful. One friend may say it's because you are always there when I need you. Another may say because you are the funniest person I know and can make others laugh, even when they are down. You may have a spouse in your life that loves the way you look at him, or the way you smile when he looks at you. A co-worker may be a little more superficial with and love the way you do your make-up or how you accessorize your outfits. A family member will also have their reasons. The point is that no matter who you ask in your life, they will have an answer.
Like the song says, you are the one that doesn't know it. What if we were brave enough to ask someone else why they think we are beautiful? What if we kept a list of those reasons and put it on our bathroom mirrors? Would we have a better day? Would our days start out with feeling beautiful instead of ugly?
Just a thought but maybe we are much harder on ourselves then everyone else. Maybe we should start being who we are and not be afraid because our friends and family already see our beauty.
Yes, it's about falling in love and all that ooey gooey stuff, but think about it. All of us that suffer everyday with our bodies and hear the ugly inner dialogue repeatedly, don't know how others see us. Every one of us have people in our lives that see us completely different, and every one of those people have their answers if we were to ask them why they think we are beautiful. One friend may say it's because you are always there when I need you. Another may say because you are the funniest person I know and can make others laugh, even when they are down. You may have a spouse in your life that loves the way you look at him, or the way you smile when he looks at you. A co-worker may be a little more superficial with and love the way you do your make-up or how you accessorize your outfits. A family member will also have their reasons. The point is that no matter who you ask in your life, they will have an answer.
Like the song says, you are the one that doesn't know it. What if we were brave enough to ask someone else why they think we are beautiful? What if we kept a list of those reasons and put it on our bathroom mirrors? Would we have a better day? Would our days start out with feeling beautiful instead of ugly?
Just a thought but maybe we are much harder on ourselves then everyone else. Maybe we should start being who we are and not be afraid because our friends and family already see our beauty.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Through someone else's eyes
So the other day I posted about these days leading up to Mother's Day and my thoughts regarding being a parent. Oddly enough, I had a conversation with one of my daughter's that led me to tears, that same night. It has taken me a few days to process all what was said but I did want to follow up on here. There is hope in being a parent and no matter how I feel, my daughter's words will never leave me.
The conversation started out with a simple question she asked me. Since it's was a very personal conversation, I will be careful in what I say. Anyway, it ended up with me apologizing, again, for her past and childhood. I wanted her to know how sorry I am for not being the mother she deserves and that I didn't protect her from certain things that happened. I went on about how much I love her and appreciate her and notice all she has done and does do for her sisters and I. You see, she has always stood by my side and tried her best as young child to protect me. Anytime I was being verbally attacked, she stood closer and held either my hand or onto my leg so very tight with this look in her eyes. She took blame for things to protect her sisters and she has never really been afraid to express herself. The poor girl witnessed and experienced way more than any little girl should. Anyway, I just told her that I noticed all of it and how much I love her and was so very sorry. I wish that I could have been a better mother and a better person for her and her sisters.
Her response took me by complete surprise. First she told me to quit making her cry. Then she wondered what I was talking about. She said "you are the most amazing mother in the world." What? Really? Does she know who I really am? She also said that I have always been there for her and have always provided all her needs. She did go on with more things and statements, which in turn made me cry. I couldn't believe what she was saying, but it warmed my heart so much.
After picking myself up from the floor and processing the conversation as a whole, I am a proud mom. Despite anything I feel, despite her past, and despite my own personal issues, my daughter sees me as an amazing person. So everyday when I think about how much I suck or regret or feel I can't be a good mom, I just have to remember that through someone else's eyes, I am a different person than what I see.
The conversation started out with a simple question she asked me. Since it's was a very personal conversation, I will be careful in what I say. Anyway, it ended up with me apologizing, again, for her past and childhood. I wanted her to know how sorry I am for not being the mother she deserves and that I didn't protect her from certain things that happened. I went on about how much I love her and appreciate her and notice all she has done and does do for her sisters and I. You see, she has always stood by my side and tried her best as young child to protect me. Anytime I was being verbally attacked, she stood closer and held either my hand or onto my leg so very tight with this look in her eyes. She took blame for things to protect her sisters and she has never really been afraid to express herself. The poor girl witnessed and experienced way more than any little girl should. Anyway, I just told her that I noticed all of it and how much I love her and was so very sorry. I wish that I could have been a better mother and a better person for her and her sisters.
Her response took me by complete surprise. First she told me to quit making her cry. Then she wondered what I was talking about. She said "you are the most amazing mother in the world." What? Really? Does she know who I really am? She also said that I have always been there for her and have always provided all her needs. She did go on with more things and statements, which in turn made me cry. I couldn't believe what she was saying, but it warmed my heart so much.
After picking myself up from the floor and processing the conversation as a whole, I am a proud mom. Despite anything I feel, despite her past, and despite my own personal issues, my daughter sees me as an amazing person. So everyday when I think about how much I suck or regret or feel I can't be a good mom, I just have to remember that through someone else's eyes, I am a different person than what I see.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Mother's Day is coming
As Mother's Day approaches, my history as a mother is on my mind. I have been thinking back to the beginning when it all started 15 years ago. First of all, it doesn't seem like it's been that long but the reality is that being a mother is all I have known in my adult life. You see, I got pregnant at age 18, not on purpose of course, but my pregnancy was definitely one of my life changing events.
Because this is an eating disorder blog, I will focus on that aspect of it. It was the first time I can remember eating and eating a lot. For some reason I gave myself permission to just eat. I gained a lot of weight, even too much for a "normal" pregnancy. I also discovered things about my body that I didn't know. Most importantly the miracle of growing another human being inside my abdomen. Because I was so young, I didn't experience my pregnancy the way I should have or wanted to. I was young and didn't know anything about what I was ultimately doing. I was concerned about my body and what it was doing to it. I was concerned about what I would look like afterwards. I was even bitter about what the baby was doing to my body.
As a parent, I did everything I thought a mother was supposed to do. I breastfed, I made sure she had everything she needed and then some, and I took care of her every need. After my second baby, my OCD really kicked into high gear. Yes, I have had the OCD for a very long time but didn't recognize it as that. Looking back I can see so many tendencies and behaviors. Anyway, high gear as in cleaning in the middle of night, making sure everything is spotless, afraid of germs, and so much more. I look back and wonder how I did all that I did and still gave to my children the way I did. Everything had to be perfect. I was the mom that had 2 diaper bags with me containing extra clothes, hair spray, hair brushes, hair pretties, shoes, socks, wipes, a first aid kit, tissues, and pretty much the kitchen sink....and yes I carried it all every time we went out. I felt like I was a good mom.
What the world didn't know is that I was dealing with so much pain on the inside. I kept it all bottled up and acted out with my eating disorder. I regret so much. I wish I could go back and spend more quality time with my girls instead of focusing on what we all looked like and what my house looked like and so on. I tried to hide so much.
Now that my girls are older and involved in school activities and other things, they do their own thing. They have been through pain just as I have and suffer from it. Eventually I fell apart and would just get sicker and sicker. I went into treatment leaving all that perfection and trying to be the best mom in the world behind. It was one of the hardest decisions of my life. Now I realize that I wasn't a good mom. I didn't provide for my girls the way a mom should. And even though I feel that way and have so much I wish I could take back and undo, there isn't a whole lot I feel I can do about it either. I feel stuck and incapable of giving them what they need. I think mostly because I don't even know what that is. What is healthy? How is one supposed to raise girls? How do I really fix the past? How do I clean up the messes? And how do I continue from where I am? So many regrets, questions, confusions, and feelings running through my head.
Ultimately, my girls have had a yucky life and at this point I feel like I can only hope and pray that as adults, they aren't too screwed up. I do see tendencies in them all, which scares me. But maybe, just maybe as they watch me go through recovery and heal, they will know they can to. My heart aches for my girls. They need so much more than I can give.
Because this is an eating disorder blog, I will focus on that aspect of it. It was the first time I can remember eating and eating a lot. For some reason I gave myself permission to just eat. I gained a lot of weight, even too much for a "normal" pregnancy. I also discovered things about my body that I didn't know. Most importantly the miracle of growing another human being inside my abdomen. Because I was so young, I didn't experience my pregnancy the way I should have or wanted to. I was young and didn't know anything about what I was ultimately doing. I was concerned about my body and what it was doing to it. I was concerned about what I would look like afterwards. I was even bitter about what the baby was doing to my body.
As a parent, I did everything I thought a mother was supposed to do. I breastfed, I made sure she had everything she needed and then some, and I took care of her every need. After my second baby, my OCD really kicked into high gear. Yes, I have had the OCD for a very long time but didn't recognize it as that. Looking back I can see so many tendencies and behaviors. Anyway, high gear as in cleaning in the middle of night, making sure everything is spotless, afraid of germs, and so much more. I look back and wonder how I did all that I did and still gave to my children the way I did. Everything had to be perfect. I was the mom that had 2 diaper bags with me containing extra clothes, hair spray, hair brushes, hair pretties, shoes, socks, wipes, a first aid kit, tissues, and pretty much the kitchen sink....and yes I carried it all every time we went out. I felt like I was a good mom.
What the world didn't know is that I was dealing with so much pain on the inside. I kept it all bottled up and acted out with my eating disorder. I regret so much. I wish I could go back and spend more quality time with my girls instead of focusing on what we all looked like and what my house looked like and so on. I tried to hide so much.
Now that my girls are older and involved in school activities and other things, they do their own thing. They have been through pain just as I have and suffer from it. Eventually I fell apart and would just get sicker and sicker. I went into treatment leaving all that perfection and trying to be the best mom in the world behind. It was one of the hardest decisions of my life. Now I realize that I wasn't a good mom. I didn't provide for my girls the way a mom should. And even though I feel that way and have so much I wish I could take back and undo, there isn't a whole lot I feel I can do about it either. I feel stuck and incapable of giving them what they need. I think mostly because I don't even know what that is. What is healthy? How is one supposed to raise girls? How do I really fix the past? How do I clean up the messes? And how do I continue from where I am? So many regrets, questions, confusions, and feelings running through my head.
Ultimately, my girls have had a yucky life and at this point I feel like I can only hope and pray that as adults, they aren't too screwed up. I do see tendencies in them all, which scares me. But maybe, just maybe as they watch me go through recovery and heal, they will know they can to. My heart aches for my girls. They need so much more than I can give.
Eating Disorders
Today I have decided to write about all the media attention eating disorders have been given lately. There have been more and more stars opening up about their struggles, talk shows, like Dr. Phil, talking about it, and early morning news shows bringing attention to it. I think it's great that this illness is coming out in the public eye but I also know there is a long way to go. What I have seen, it seems to generally focus on the stereotype of what an eating disorder is and does not encompass the disease as a whole.
You see, people don't always have to look completely emaciated to have an eating disorder. Sadly, there is this medical list of how you qualify to be diagnosed and treated with one. I know there are people out there that suffer with this disease everyday without being helped because of it. There are people that ignore symptoms, make an excuse for their loved ones, or even encourage certain behaviors thinking they are helping. It's such a complex disease and unless you suffer yourself, there just is no understanding. And those of us that do suffer do have to accept that.
Admitting that I have issues with food is and was hard enough but when I got the official diagnosis, I was devastated. I did not want to accept it or share that news with anyone. It's not something I was proud of. I was embarrassed and shamed. That was until I learned more and more about it. As I kept seeking therapy and we took off layer after after, I was eventually admitted for treatment. There was no keeping it a secret anymore, at least to some people. I still tried to hide it and not let anyone know where I was for so long. I sort of disappeared off the face of the earth for about 6 weeks.
Today I am more open about it and even blog about it. I write because I know I am not the only one the silently suffers with ED. I want others to know that they aren't alone, even if it is a blog on a computer. I currently don't have an underweight body. I have medical problems and issues after years and years of abusing my body. My weight is embarrassing and people that see me would never believe I suffer. I slowly am trying to heal my body and seek the medical attention I need to get my body back in balance. It is something that is still extremely hard for me because I don't feel worth taking care of my body or myself. It's not a simple disease. It's very complex and takes a lot of time to heal from, to recover from.
Maybe I am just saying all this for myself. Maybe I need to be patient with myself throughout my recovery. Maybe I don't even understand what I go through everyday. The truth is I still try to ignore most of it. I try to ignore that there are things, thoughts, and behaviors that are related to ED that I pass off as normal or find some excuse for. I don't want to accept or admit that I have a mental illness, or two or three even, and the label that it provides. I hate the label. But I hate the disease even more and what it has done to my life. I could blame a lot of things and circumstances for it, but it also protected me for so long too. I am so torn, confused, alone, scared, and so much more with all that is involved with my mental illnesses.
What I do wish is that more people are informed and patient and accept that it exists. Especially me.
You see, people don't always have to look completely emaciated to have an eating disorder. Sadly, there is this medical list of how you qualify to be diagnosed and treated with one. I know there are people out there that suffer with this disease everyday without being helped because of it. There are people that ignore symptoms, make an excuse for their loved ones, or even encourage certain behaviors thinking they are helping. It's such a complex disease and unless you suffer yourself, there just is no understanding. And those of us that do suffer do have to accept that.
Admitting that I have issues with food is and was hard enough but when I got the official diagnosis, I was devastated. I did not want to accept it or share that news with anyone. It's not something I was proud of. I was embarrassed and shamed. That was until I learned more and more about it. As I kept seeking therapy and we took off layer after after, I was eventually admitted for treatment. There was no keeping it a secret anymore, at least to some people. I still tried to hide it and not let anyone know where I was for so long. I sort of disappeared off the face of the earth for about 6 weeks.
Today I am more open about it and even blog about it. I write because I know I am not the only one the silently suffers with ED. I want others to know that they aren't alone, even if it is a blog on a computer. I currently don't have an underweight body. I have medical problems and issues after years and years of abusing my body. My weight is embarrassing and people that see me would never believe I suffer. I slowly am trying to heal my body and seek the medical attention I need to get my body back in balance. It is something that is still extremely hard for me because I don't feel worth taking care of my body or myself. It's not a simple disease. It's very complex and takes a lot of time to heal from, to recover from.
Maybe I am just saying all this for myself. Maybe I need to be patient with myself throughout my recovery. Maybe I don't even understand what I go through everyday. The truth is I still try to ignore most of it. I try to ignore that there are things, thoughts, and behaviors that are related to ED that I pass off as normal or find some excuse for. I don't want to accept or admit that I have a mental illness, or two or three even, and the label that it provides. I hate the label. But I hate the disease even more and what it has done to my life. I could blame a lot of things and circumstances for it, but it also protected me for so long too. I am so torn, confused, alone, scared, and so much more with all that is involved with my mental illnesses.
What I do wish is that more people are informed and patient and accept that it exists. Especially me.
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