Saturday, October 29, 2011

Money-"The Root of All Evil" The Necessary Evil or is it?

I have been meaning to write this blog for a few days now but haven't been able to sit in front of my computer long enough because my girls have been out of school. It's been really nice to hang out with the in the mornings before for work. Sometimes I wish they didn't have to go to school!

Anyway, keeping perspective about money, yes money, I said it, is very important. It is so easy to get angry, depressed, frustrated, sad, and a hundred other emotions when it comes to money. Ever hear the famous saying "Money is the root of all evil?" I don't believe it is the root of ALL evil but it can be extremely depressing. We all need it to survive. We need money to pay our mortgage or rent, to be able to use water, and to buy food. The problems generally come in when there isn't enough or even when there is too much. It's all how we utilize what we have.

Recently I have struggled with not having enough. A while back I didn't have a job for about a month and haven't been able to catch up since. I have slowly been getting more and more behind. The past month my checking account has been in the negative almost constantly and that's just me trying to provide food for my girls and pay the basic bills. I got to the point of only buying ramen noodles to try to get out of the hole. I am excited to share that this last week my checking account did not go into the negative. This week I had to make a different choice. In order to stay out of the hole I could not go grocery shopping at all. That means no milk, no fruit, not ramen noodles. We were going to have to eat rice for the next two weeks. I have not shared with anyone the seriousness of my situation because I feel it's not polite or even anyone else's business. I have just kept going. All the while trying to stay positive and not let all my emotions control me. The worst one is the feeling of failure. Working so hard everyday to provide for my girls each day yet still not being able to. I should be able to do better, I should be able to provide for my girls, I should be able feed them a healthy diet...etc. I often wonder what is wrong with me because I can't give my girls everything I want to be able to.

During these last couple of months I have contemplated moving to a not so safe neighborhood in order to lower my rent, moving back home, moving anywhere actually that would be cheaper for me. I have also tried to figure out if I could get a second job. But the thing that has kept me most sane is trying to keep a positive perspective and changing my perspective. We have all been told growing up to eat our dinner because there are starving children in Africa and we have all rolled our eyes at the thought out of ignorance. After all we are not in Africa, we are here and have things available to us and believe me I have struggled and struggled with this thought. I do not live in a third-world country, I live in the US where things are possible. I have a job and a place to live. I should be able to be doing better. Yet the third world countries still exist out there. I don't even have to go that extreme to know that right here in my own neighborhood people are struggling like I am. I know that some don't even have a job. And there are some that can't feed their children everyday even a bowl of rice. There's the perspective change. It could be worse. Whether it's in Africa or in my own backyard, things could be worse and I am blessed to have rice.

The other change in perspective that I have been wrestling with is with my eating disorder. It seems selfish to not want certain foods or to hate it so much that I choose not to eat it. I don't know why but I have been eating my ramen noodles with gratitude and I have been eating them. As a mother I have been saving all the "good" stuff for my girls and sacrificing as any mother would do, but as a person with an eating disorder this causes great conflict. I am still working through these thoughts and emotions but I know that there is a whole new perspective arising. I don't know what to do with all of it but if I keep moving forward with this perspective, I hope things will get better.

As you can see a lot has been going on in my head. I am not sure which drives me more crazy, the ramen noodles or the thoughts but either way talking myself into a new perspective sometimes every second of everyday helps me get through this time. On a side note, I have been blessed tremendously through this. As a said before I have not told anyone about the seriousness of my situation and out of the blue a friend is blessing me with groceries this week. Wow! How did she know that we were going to be eating rice all week? How did she know that this pay day I chose to not put my checking account in the hole, yet again to buy groceries? I even sat and talked to me girls about how we couldn't go to the store this week so we were going to have to make due with what we have, which is rice, crackers, and craisins

I am in awe at God's perfect timing but I know it's there. I also know it's up to me keep my head up and perspective going in the right direction. I have to do my part and grow and keep becoming a new person. I have learned so many lessons through this and know that there are probably several more to come as I continue on this unknown adventure. I don't know if I am supposed to move and I don't know what next week holds for me. I do know that this week I will be able to feed my girls more than just rice. I also know that my perspective has changed about money, the necessary evil!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Stop and Smell the Roses

Last night one of my daughter's started to get upset over something that she didn't need to be upset over. I looked at her and said it was okay and that she doesn't need to be so serious all the time. Her response caught me by surprise. She said, "but Mom, I am a serious person." Okay. Now what. This I do know about her but for her to say this to me threw me off guard. Thinking quickly on my feet I tell her that I know but there are things in life that aren't a big deal. I was deeply saddened by what she said next. She said that has to be serious all the time because when she isn't, her stomach hurts and her anxiety goes up. Uh oh! Boy did I see myself in her. She is struggling with the same thing I have been for years and years and that is letting her guard down. She has plenty of reason to feel the way she does, as do I but what this did was get me to think from a different perspective.

I should take my own advice. Life isn't so serious. There should be fun, laughing, smiles, games, and joy. There are things worth fighting for and there are things that aren't a big deal and not worth my time. For example, is it really a big deal if my kids "forget" to make their beds? In the grand scheme of things probably not. Is it a big deal if my daughter breaks out in song, loudly, in the store simply because it came on the radio? No. Why would I shut her up or tell her to behave appropriately in a store? She is just having fun. She is enjoying the song and putting a smile on her face. Is it a big deal to stop for a minute and look at the really cool cloud that my daughter is pointing out and noticing? No. I can stop for a minute, look up, and enjoy this precious moment with my child. Now these are simpler things in life but important. Stop, take a deep breath, and enjoy.

Things that are on a much bigger scale, like food, is much more difficult. "Normal" people may enjoy a cup of hot chocolate or a handful of M&M's because they can. I, on the other hand, have to have this deep, long, serious conversation with myself before I even attempt or go near certain foods. After this conversation, which can last hours, if I finally do make a cup of hot chocolate, I definitely don't enjoy it. What is so wrong with enjoying food? Why do I take it so seriously? I may not know the answer to these questions but I do know that taking things to seriously takes all the fun out of life, whether it's food or simply looking at the sky. Wow, what a simple statement can do to contemplate a new perspective. Stopping to smell the roses can apply to more than just the flowers.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Spirituality

If spirituality isn't one the most things about perspective I don't know what is. Recently this topic has come up in several conversations as well as was the last discussion that was held in my Eating Disorder Group. Many people have many definitions and beliefs for what being spiritual is means. As for me I am now more confused than ever, but not at the same time. Let me start from the beginning.

A few weeks ago in group the topic of spirituality came up. I stayed quiet because I didn't want any part of the conversation. After all my belief about myself is that I am going to Hell despite my head knowledge. The problem with my head knowledge is that it is just that, in my head. For some reason I have struggled and struggled to transfer any of it to my heart. I question myself daily about why this is and not just about spirituality but about everything in my life. So you can see why I didn't want to talk about it. I semi-heard what the other girls were talking about and how strongly they felt about their positions. How strongly they tried to convince me, the quiet one that they were right. Since then I have had much inner turmoil about the subject. I have always had my questions about church, religion, and beliefs but this time it was different. This time the therapist running the group said something that stuck with me. She said that when she is talking about spirituality she isn't talking about religion. What? Isn't that the same thing? Whoa! Hold the phone! What is she talking about?

Here's what I discovered thus far.

Religion, spirituality, church, and beliefs are about your own personal perspective. It's how you see things and what works for your life. Spirituality isn't about fitting into a mold of a religion or a type in a church. I have never been one to fit into a mold. I have always felt different than who I was supposed to be. I knew pretty young that the religion I grew up in wasn't for me. It was totally about conforming and being who others told you to be. I didn't want that. I couldn't fit in. I couldn't change who I was. But I did. I tried and pretended to make others' happy. But my heart just wasn't in it and when someone said something so impactful for the last time, I left and never went back. I didn't go to a church for a long time out of fear of the same thing. I knew it wasn't for me. Eventually I did go to a completely different church and learned partially to undo some of the messed up thinking I learned earlier. While it was a positive experience for the most part, not conforming to what they thought was "religious" or "good enough" has caused my to think yet again about religion. I am not saying that I do not believe in the Creator, I am just saying that attending a church or being part of a religion is about your own personal perspective.

My perspective however is that I like the idea that spirituality is not a religion and I do not have to fit into a mold. I am going on a spiritual quest to discover exactly how I feel and what I think. I want to know for me who I am in this area once and for all. I want to know what works for me and I know that trying to be a part of a clique or mold or society is not me. I want to be me!

Sunday, October 23, 2011

A New Beginning

Hello fellow bloggers and readers. I have started this new more positive blog about a new beginning. I seem to have a lot of those but I have come to realize a couple of things. First that I have to start over many times in my life and second and most importantly, it's okay to start over and begin new chapters in my life. You see, I get to write my own chapters and do not have to abide by the lessons, experiences, and history of my past. No, I don't have my life figured out even partially but that's okay. It's all about perspective.

Perspective is something that I have been thinking about lately. A new perspective grounds me. It brings me back to reality when my past haunts me. Simple things like something someone said on the radio or watching a TV program can remind me of keeping things in perspective. Sometimes it takes my therapist to point something out and sometimes I see things on my own. My hope is that someday I can see things without major intervention but I am so very grateful for the people and things in my life that provide a new perspective on life and/or situations.

I plan on seeing something new everyday and sharing it with you not because I want the World to believe what I believe to provide a glimmer of hope and dedication for a better life. A life that we can write ourselves. A life of letting go of past hurts and mistakes. Life doesn't have to seem like I am climbing an uphill mountain that continues to get higher and higher. Yes I often think that and get very depressed at the thought and want to give up. Life is what I make of it and I choose to learn and grow each day and fight the battles.