As most of my followers know, and anyone that knows me knows, I do not like feelings. Whatever I need to do to not feel them, good or bad, I do it. This last couple of days I have tried to give myself permission to cry, to feel, to experience all the emotions of a broken heart. I must say, it is not easy. Spontaneously crying at work is horrible and embarrassing. Trying to fall asleep thinking of anything else only to dream about them and even worse, waking up thinking about it before stepping my feet on the floor. This has got to be the most intense feelings I have experienced and it's pretty exhausting.
My first thoughts in the morning should be positive and happy, or at least in my fantasy world they are. I want to think of sunshine and rainbows not sadness and uncertainty and confusion. Confusion is the worst for me. It drags me down and I start believing things that are really true.
Yesterday I did wake up happy. This morning, not so much. I was sad, frustrated, talking myself in circles about what why before I even opened my eyes. Shed a few tears then decided to get up instead of lay there sad and depressed. You see, I have decided that I have to fight this depression and continually tell myself that I am worth so much more. I am still worth getting up and doing my hair, make-up, saying good morning to my girls, getting breakfast and so on.
The truth is, I deserve to be treated like a queen and it has to start with me. I can't buy into the lies that I have believed for so long. I am tired of being treated like I don't matter, like my feelings, desires, wants, needs, and even likes don't matter. They do matter! I have to believe that. I have to continue to tell myself that every moment of every day. I deserve respect of love from someone special and someday, I hope to experience that kind of love, to be treated like the queen and special person that I am.
This is why I finally let myself feel all the pain, brokenness, heartache, lies, hatred, disrespect, and so on and on and on. No matter how others treat me, I am worth and deserve way more and will stand for nothing less. I will keep people in my life that matter to me and accept me for who I am, screw ups and all. People that forgive, respect, love, and enjoy my company. I don't need to be someone I am not and I do not need to put up anything less, like I have for so long.
Easy? Anything but! With my determination, strength, support from others, and respect for myself and my girls, I will fight and continue to fight for me!
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