There have been many nights these past four years that I have gone to bed sad, angry, lonely, filled with hate, and even plain old numb. It has been an extreme roller coaster ride for sure. What am I talking about? Being single. No, just being single, getting divorced with small children and being single.
This is a status I never wanted or planned for my life, as it is with others that have gone through a divorce.
I have struggled so much with trying to embrace the truth. Accepting that I am now single raising my children on my own has been almost impossible. After all, children are supposed to have both parents and I am supposed to have a back up and a partner in this life. My anger really hits at times like when I am sick and my girls need something and I either can't do it or have to do it anyway or times when they cry and are sad that their dad is gone.
I tried to be super mom through this but this last week I have been so very exhausted and have had this painful headache all week. My daughter was needing something and acting like a "normal" teenager and normally I would calmly tell her that I would do it right now or as soon as I could. That is not what happened. I told her that I am only one person and this is a single parent household and I can't do everything, things are different!
The guilt I felt for saying that to her was so overwhelming. They shouldn't have to suffer from their parent's mistakes. Just because I am a single mom, they shouldn't experience life different. Well, the truth is that it is different. I can't change that. I am a single, divorced mom with children that are suffering emotionally still from the whole thing and are going through their own millions of emotions. I need to embrace this truth and accept that I can't provide a life for myself or for them the way a dual parent household can.
Of course I will still have emotions running through my head, but I can also make a list of things I like about being single to remind me that I am okay; that the girls are okay; and that I've got this and can take care of me.
So here is my list so far of what I like:
1. I really like that if I get up in the middle of the night because I can't sleep, that I can turn my music on and read, type, get a drink, and even go to the bathroom with making my husband mad and cranky for disturbing him.
2, I like having the bed to myself and being able stretch out as much as my body needs (unless of course one of my daughter's sneaks in with me because they can't sleep)
3. I can make whatever I want for dinner without being told, "That is not real dinner." All the moms out there know what I am talking about...yes, a bowl of cereal and a piece of fruit can be a perfectly normal and balanced dinner.
Well, that's all I have so far but I can always add to this list. I can be okay with telling my children that I am only one person and just can't do what two people can. I can go to be bed with a smile on my face knowing that being single isn't so bad or embarrassing as I think it is. Keeping in my 2012 motto, "I've got this", I really do got this. Adding my 2013 motto to that, "It's time for me", I can truly embrace being single and start to really take care of my needs and stand up for them, even to my children.