I have been meaning to write this blog for a few days now but haven't been able to sit in front of my computer long enough because my girls have been out of school. It's been really nice to hang out with the in the mornings before for work. Sometimes I wish they didn't have to go to school!
Anyway, keeping perspective about money, yes money, I said it, is very important. It is so easy to get angry, depressed, frustrated, sad, and a hundred other emotions when it comes to money. Ever hear the famous saying "Money is the root of all evil?" I don't believe it is the root of ALL evil but it can be extremely depressing. We all need it to survive. We need money to pay our mortgage or rent, to be able to use water, and to buy food. The problems generally come in when there isn't enough or even when there is too much. It's all how we utilize what we have.
Recently I have struggled with not having enough. A while back I didn't have a job for about a month and haven't been able to catch up since. I have slowly been getting more and more behind. The past month my checking account has been in the negative almost constantly and that's just me trying to provide food for my girls and pay the basic bills. I got to the point of only buying ramen noodles to try to get out of the hole. I am excited to share that this last week my checking account did not go into the negative. This week I had to make a different choice. In order to stay out of the hole I could not go grocery shopping at all. That means no milk, no fruit, not ramen noodles. We were going to have to eat rice for the next two weeks. I have not shared with anyone the seriousness of my situation because I feel it's not polite or even anyone else's business. I have just kept going. All the while trying to stay positive and not let all my emotions control me. The worst one is the feeling of failure. Working so hard everyday to provide for my girls each day yet still not being able to. I should be able to do better, I should be able to provide for my girls, I should be able feed them a healthy diet...etc. I often wonder what is wrong with me because I can't give my girls everything I want to be able to.
During these last couple of months I have contemplated moving to a not so safe neighborhood in order to lower my rent, moving back home, moving anywhere actually that would be cheaper for me. I have also tried to figure out if I could get a second job. But the thing that has kept me most sane is trying to keep a positive perspective and changing my perspective. We have all been told growing up to eat our dinner because there are starving children in Africa and we have all rolled our eyes at the thought out of ignorance. After all we are not in Africa, we are here and have things available to us and believe me I have struggled and struggled with this thought. I do not live in a third-world country, I live in the US where things are possible. I have a job and a place to live. I should be able to be doing better. Yet the third world countries still exist out there. I don't even have to go that extreme to know that right here in my own neighborhood people are struggling like I am. I know that some don't even have a job. And there are some that can't feed their children everyday even a bowl of rice. There's the perspective change. It could be worse. Whether it's in Africa or in my own backyard, things could be worse and I am blessed to have rice.
The other change in perspective that I have been wrestling with is with my eating disorder. It seems selfish to not want certain foods or to hate it so much that I choose not to eat it. I don't know why but I have been eating my ramen noodles with gratitude and I have been eating them. As a mother I have been saving all the "good" stuff for my girls and sacrificing as any mother would do, but as a person with an eating disorder this causes great conflict. I am still working through these thoughts and emotions but I know that there is a whole new perspective arising. I don't know what to do with all of it but if I keep moving forward with this perspective, I hope things will get better.
As you can see a lot has been going on in my head. I am not sure which drives me more crazy, the ramen noodles or the thoughts but either way talking myself into a new perspective sometimes every second of everyday helps me get through this time. On a side note, I have been blessed tremendously through this. As a said before I have not told anyone about the seriousness of my situation and out of the blue a friend is blessing me with groceries this week. Wow! How did she know that we were going to be eating rice all week? How did she know that this pay day I chose to not put my checking account in the hole, yet again to buy groceries? I even sat and talked to me girls about how we couldn't go to the store this week so we were going to have to make due with what we have, which is rice, crackers, and craisins
I am in awe at God's perfect timing but I know it's there. I also know it's up to me keep my head up and perspective going in the right direction. I have to do my part and grow and keep becoming a new person. I have learned so many lessons through this and know that there are probably several more to come as I continue on this unknown adventure. I don't know if I am supposed to move and I don't know what next week holds for me. I do know that this week I will be able to feed my girls more than just rice. I also know that my perspective has changed about money, the necessary evil!
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