Spirituality

If spirituality isn't one the most things about perspective I don't know what is. Recently this topic has come up in several conversations as well as was the last discussion that was held in my Eating Disorder Group. Many people have many definitions and beliefs for what being spiritual is means. As for me I am now more confused than ever, but not at the same time. Let me start from the beginning.

A few weeks ago in group the topic of spirituality came up. I stayed quiet because I didn't want any part of the conversation. After all my belief about myself is that I am going to Hell despite my head knowledge. The problem with my head knowledge is that it is just that, in my head. For some reason I have struggled and struggled to transfer any of it to my heart. I question myself daily about why this is and not just about spirituality but about everything in my life. So you can see why I didn't want to talk about it. I semi-heard what the other girls were talking about and how strongly they felt about their positions. How strongly they tried to convince me, the quiet one that they were right. Since then I have had much inner turmoil about the subject. I have always had my questions about church, religion, and beliefs but this time it was different. This time the therapist running the group said something that stuck with me. She said that when she is talking about spirituality she isn't talking about religion. What? Isn't that the same thing? Whoa! Hold the phone! What is she talking about?

Here's what I discovered thus far.

Religion, spirituality, church, and beliefs are about your own personal perspective. It's how you see things and what works for your life. Spirituality isn't about fitting into a mold of a religion or a type in a church. I have never been one to fit into a mold. I have always felt different than who I was supposed to be. I knew pretty young that the religion I grew up in wasn't for me. It was totally about conforming and being who others told you to be. I didn't want that. I couldn't fit in. I couldn't change who I was. But I did. I tried and pretended to make others' happy. But my heart just wasn't in it and when someone said something so impactful for the last time, I left and never went back. I didn't go to a church for a long time out of fear of the same thing. I knew it wasn't for me. Eventually I did go to a completely different church and learned partially to undo some of the messed up thinking I learned earlier. While it was a positive experience for the most part, not conforming to what they thought was "religious" or "good enough" has caused my to think yet again about religion. I am not saying that I do not believe in the Creator, I am just saying that attending a church or being part of a religion is about your own personal perspective.

My perspective however is that I like the idea that spirituality is not a religion and I do not have to fit into a mold. I am going on a spiritual quest to discover exactly how I feel and what I think. I want to know for me who I am in this area once and for all. I want to know what works for me and I know that trying to be a part of a clique or mold or society is not me. I want to be me!