Relationships part 2

I struggle this morning with so many things that I finally decided to just write. I have written, deleted, thought, erased, and repeated the process because nothing seems to really clarify anything I am actually feeling this morning. I am confused on so many things like, ED, relationships, my perspectives, my health, motherhood, being single, and so on. Yes, all this runs through my head pretty much all the time. It is very difficult to quiet my mind enough to get rest or at least a break from the thoughts. Work is good because I can focus on that, or at least until someone makes a random comment that starts the flooding again.

I am overwhelmed with so many thoughts this morning. Thoughts of who I am, who ED is, what part does he really play in my life, why am I so selfish, how come I can't be the parent I want to be, why am I so fat and ugly, why don't I have a scale in my house, and it just keeps going. If I can just step on a scale, I could know the answer to these questions. But that's not true. That's ED telling me that I am worth what the scale says. Everything I know about recovery is the opposite. I am not worth that number.

The healthy-self wants so much more out of life. But she is also very scared of what that means and looks like. It's scary to step into something new. It's scary to even admit things that have been so deeply buried for so long that I can't tell if it's me or ED. Fighting against ED is like fighting against myself constantly. I am so frustrated that I can't tell the difference. I am so frustrated that I have to my faith and trust in others to tell me the difference.

Today I am just so exhausted!

Even though I am exhausted with this process, I can still have enough of a different perspective to know that I am very thankful for so many things in my life. I see others' going through worse situations. While I have great empathy for those around me, I can't forget to take care of myself and continue this journey, this fight that I started 3 years ago.

With all my thoughts and frustrations and even confusions about relationships lately, I can't forget the one with myself. I need to work on that one so that I can have healthy relationships with others.