Relationships

Lately I have been thinking a lot about relationships. Relationships of all kinds. Friendships, acquaintances, co-workers, past, present, future, my children, and so on. Like I said, all types. I have been stewing all day, everyday, that I am driving myself crazy. What I can't figure out is why this has been such a huge factor lately and why it's an area that I have a hard time facing.

In my moments of clarity with knowing what I want and who I am, I have made decisions, hard ones, that I needed to make. Decisions that are hurtful all around. I hurt. My heart hurts. My soul hurts. But I have to do what's best for me no matter the cost, meaning possibly losing relationships. I have to be willing to let go with hopes that the better will come along.

Better. What does that even mean? How do I trust that there is better? The truth is that I can't. I can't know that there are people out there that will accept me for who I am and respect me without any conditions or judgements or expectations. I am not sure if that's "normal", but I do know that it's what I want.

I think I have just come to some conclusions about who I am and what I want. I know it's crazy. I know I am crazy. I know that this is me right now and I know what I need and what I don't need. I am trying to commit to myself. Meaning that I need to pay attention to my needs and wants and love myself enough to make it happen. Love myself to surround myself with people that aren't going to make me feel less of a person or judged or incompetent. People that will support and love me no matter what. It's a lot to ask for and maybe I am being a little selfish but it's time to stand up for me.

Granted this is still a process and I am not completely sure what I am doing, but I am trying to figure it out.