Health or Looks?

The last few weeks I have undergone blood tests and such to get answers about what is wrong with me. Fortunately, I think there are answers, which gives me some relief until I sit and really think about it. Here's why:

I'd like to say that I started this whole process because of my health and that I want to live this life of optimal health and feeling good, but I can't. I started because of my severe hatred for my body. I put it off for a couple of years out of fear. Fear of not getting answers, fear of nothing being wrong, fear of having to blame myself. I finally get fed up and started the process what would be several blood tests, girl appointments, and so on. I was fed up with how I looked, not I how felt. What I felt or feel on a daily basis is so normal to me that I don't see anything else or even any possibilities in that part being different. I wanted my body to do what I wanted it to do. I wanted anything, pills, magic, anything to fix it.

Thus far, I do have some answers. I found out that my vitamins are deficient, my hormones are out of whack, my thyroid isn't working properly and so on. It's devastating. While there is partial relief in having some answers, there is still much frustration. I am now on more vitamins, pills, and a different "diet" that I don't know what to do with myself. My body is going through all these changes all at once and I am tired. I haven't felt well in over a week and am driving myself crazy with what to eat. I just want to crawl into bed and hide away.

The good news, if it is anyway is that I get compliments at work about looking different. Not physically but my vibe. I have been told that I have a different glow about me and that its really nice to see me this way. I have had people tell me that they can't put their finger on it but that they can see a difference in me. I smile, say thanks, and move on but inside I am confused. I have no idea what they are talking about. Could all these vitamins and pills really be working and my body is getting into balance and healthy? Is it really possible for me to be healthy and feel different? What in the world is going on?

I wish I could answer this but I can't. I am so wrapped up in what the scale says who I am instead of what I really am. I want the scale to tell me that I am different. It really is sad that people with eating disorders are so wrapped up in what that stupid scale says that when people give them compliments it doesn't mean much. I have been in my recovery long enough to logically look at this and to really ponder what has been said to me, but at the end of the day, all I want is to step on a scale and see if they are right.