Now what?

Tonight was a little strange. I did something I haven't done in a while and I'm not sure why. It was just something I felt I had to do.

What I learned from it....not sure completely but I did get some clarity. Something so odd and so unexpected. I sit here now, tonight, in confusion. Not because of the clarity but because I am not sure where to go from here.

Now that you all are confused, closed this blog, or are intrigued, let me explain a little more.

One thing that I am clear on is that through out these last few years as I struggled, fought, and continued on this recovery path, I have done what people told me to do. I trusted people, I believed people, and I followed people. I was on auto-pilot with whom ever I was with. That may sound a little strange but I thought I was always doing the right thing. As long as I did or said what "they" told me to do, I was on the right path.

The problem I struggle with, even through the last few years, is the overwhelming sense of losing myself in all of it. I continued to do what I was told thinking that eventually things would change. That if I did things right then I would "feel" better or "be" better. But 3 years and many choices later, I still feel like I am not me. I feel like things will never change. I would always fight against this unknown and never really fit in anywhere or belong.

Tonight it became clear to me that doing things that people told me to do for my recovery didn't help me at all. While I am a different person than I was 3 years ago, I have been stuck these last few months or so and now I think I know why. I asked for help, I journalled, I sacrificed, I robotically did things. I am pretty sure that through all of what I have been through, I have not had my own thoughts, my own actions, my own choices, my own wants, my own needs, my own learning, my own recovery.

I know that all this probably doesn't make sense but I need to learn for myself what things mean to me in my life, not what other people tell me they are. I need to stand on my own two feet. I need figure out what I need to move forward in my own recovery. I need to know what works for me and not what works for everyone else.

The real question is....now what? What do I do with the flood of information and clarity?