What is Normal?

Sometimes I wish I was normal, well most of the time I wish that. I spend time thinking about what it would be like. Tonight I hear the voices of my past and present support people saying "there is no such thing as normal." But what does that even mean?

Here's what I think. I think that everyone has their own meaning of normal. Other people look at their normal and some try to copy it thinking that it's "normal." No this may not make much sense but I think it's a constant cycle of negative thoughts for some. Like me.

For me, I look at others, listen to others, and wish for their lives. Want what they have because it's what is supposed to be. The truth is though, I want to be own normal and not like anyone else. Deep down it is something I never wanted. I would do things opposite or different than what I saw just to not be like others. So why then do I want to be so "normal?"

Last week was my 35th birthday. No, I am not that old but it brought on so many emotions. I was depressed leading up to it. I kept thinking about how I don't have a normal life and how my life is not what I had imagined or planned. I was angry that I am now "old" and have nothing resembling the life I want or wanted. I go home every night to an empty bed, no one to hold me or make the days' stresses go away. Yes, I have my children but I do not depend on them for emotional, grown up support. I am now to old to remarry, after all, no one wants to date an old single mom with baggage. I was frustrated I didn't have my college degree yet, that I didn't have a better job, that I can't provide for my girls the way I feel they deserve. My birthday was pretty hard.

Sure it was a hard week but I don't have it all that bad. I don't know what my future holds. I don't know when and if I will finish school, meet a nice guy, get a better job, or be able to provide fully for my girls. My life is definitely not what I planned or wanted, but it is my life. I am trying to provide, working on school (slowly), learning more and more about myself, I am being me, my normal.

This is my normal. I am a single mom of three girls who works hard and does everything I know how to stay true to me. I like to draw with my music blasting. I like to do yoga and blog. I like to read with a cup of coffee. I like to hang out with my girls. I like to go to the beach when I can. I am continually learning and growing to become a better, mature, awesome woman and someday my life may be everything I dreamed of. In the meantime, I will live in my normal each day with a smile and try really hard not to let the emotions take over!