Breath

So I had a conversation with someone today that indirectly encouraged me to love myself enough to really take care of myself, not just take care of myself, but also to do what it takes to find out what I need. She told me that starving myself is not the answer. Okay, well yeah, I have heard that for the last probably 4 years now. Of course logically I know that. I have known that since I was a kid but that hasn't prevented me from doing it. I can have all the book knowledge in the world and can even spew it out when someone challenges those lessons, but to apply it all to myself? Now that has seemed next to impossible.

Anyone that suffers or has suffered from an eating disorder knows exactly what I am talking about. They also know how long it takes to fully recover and long and painful journey it is.

My point, yes I have one. At this stage in my recovery, something that I have been thinking about and even working on is loving myself to take care of myself. Something I have not valued before. I didn't care if I lived or died, I didn't even care if I ate even though I was in recovery. I wanted and still kind of do want it both ways. My eating disorder and recovery. Someone pointed out to me that I have been talking about things like valuing myself and doing things that I need not what others want me to do. She pointed out that I am starting to value myself. Weird. I am still not sure I completely believe it but I do know I have taken steps to take care of myself. Big steps even. Steps I could have cared less about before.

So here I go on this next step and going to seek more medical advice and testing so that I can further my knowledge about how my body works and what it needs, not what ED is telling me it needs, or doesn't need for that matter. This is very scary for me. It not only means having answers but means that I have to love myself enough to follow through and really do what I need to do.

This is not just a physical process, this will also be emotionally trying and exhausting. It may involve much tears and release of things I hold tight in my heart and soul. This won't happen overnight but I guess I just keep going, step by step, little by little. I just keep breathing.