Walking in recovery alone....or not?

Recovery in general is a very complex process. Whether it is alcoholism, drug addictions, or eating disorders. There is some deep rooted issues that a person struggles with that they act out in unhealthy ways. At some point one hits rock bottom, whatver that looks like for the individual and reaches out for some sort of help. Why? Because recovery is not meant to do alone. People aren't meant to be alone. They need others to help pick them up and tell them they are okay.

So why do we, why do I, spend a lot of time alone? Everyone has there own things to work through and their own reasons as to why. I spend my time in isolation and alone out of fear. I recently learned that I live in this extreme state of fear and failure that it stops me from almost everything in life. I fear judgement and scaring people by asking for help and for saying outloud what really is in my head. Maybe I am scared of my own thoughts. Maybe I am fear people running away. Maybe I fear people knowing I am not some perfect little mold that I should be. Maybe I fear myself and am afraid that I will fail other people. Maybe this constant state of failure is making me self-sabotage anything and everything I do. Maybe this failure keeps me alone. It keeps me from having to let people really see me.

The problem with that is that living in isolation keeps me sick and afraid. The problem with not opening up my mouth is that I don't ever get answers to my questions. The problem with staying away from people is that I never truly learn the meaning of love and acceptance.

I have tried recovery both ways, asking for help from others and going it alone. I need to find a happe medium between them both. Going it alone does not work at all. Walking with others is very difficult and scary and takes a lot of patience with myself. Sometimes I feel like that doesn't work either. The truth is that the more I am alone the more I stay in my head and the more my recovery suffers.

I can not do this alone and need to learn to ask for what I need and maybe more importantly accept that I do need help. The next trick is learning who to ask what.