Fork in the Road

Everyone has many forks in the road throughout the life journey. They can be small forks or big forks and some are even life changing forks. I sit here this morning at what could be a potentially life changing fork. Before I get into that, I will write about some of my forks.

Feb. 10, 1996 was a life changing fork. The day I got married. I had the choice to marry or not and part of me knew it was a bad idea but I did it anyway. Despite everything I went through then and now, I loved him and made the choice to marry. I still love him and always will. He is a part of me that I chose to let in. I can't take it back even though there have been many times I wish I could hit the rewind button, but I also have learned a great deal from my experiences.

Summer of 2002 was another huge fork. Without going into to much detail, I had to make decisions and lots of them. I was depressed beyond anything I could recognize. I was pregnant with child number 3 and caught my husband for the last time behaving inappropriately. I made some decisions over the next few months that I can't change but still think about. I'd like to think I learned from all of that but mostly I feel guilt and shame. Either way, that summer changed my life.

March 5, 2009, the day my friend drove me to CA and helped checked me into treatment. I could have not gone and laid in my bed until I died. I could have ignored my children, ignored that inner voice that knew I needed something different, but I didn't. I got in that car and left my family behind to do something I thought was extremely selfish. It changed my life. I learned so much while there, met some great people, and of course fell in love with the beach. A couple days ago I hit the 3 year mark and have been depressed about it. I am very unsure of my feelings. One thing I do know is that I am sad about some of the choices I have made since then. All the little forks.

Today I sit here wondering what happened to my life. I have been up all night picking apart every detail of the last couple of years. Those little forks and the big ones and why I made the choices I did. You see I am so convinced that I can't do this. I just can't raise 3 girls on my own and I can't do what everyone expects me to do. I can't even figure out life for myself.

My fork this morning is very complex. I am failure. I failed at so many things that I was expected to do well in. How much of this failure is me setting myself up for it and how much is out of my control? I really want to give up. I want to throw the towel in and run away. Just throw some clothes in my car and drive, anywhere but here. The choices I have made that may have led up to this fork are unbearable. I am lost, lonely, scared, standing at this fork with no idea what to do. No idea how to fix this and no idea what decisions to make. I fear not being able to pick myself up from this one.

Forks....