Parenting

I have thoroughly convinced myself that I should not have been a parent. After all, if I can't take care of myself, how am I supposed to take care of someone else? It's a thought and question that has run through my mind for years and years. There are plenty of times I am full of regret and sadness. Sadness for them that I am not what they deserve.

Last week something happened and I had to be the disciplinarian and teacher to all three girls. My immediate response was "wow, I really am a failure". While I still have that negative thought about myself, especially as a parent, I put on my big girl panties and dealt with each situation. They were extremely tough and emotional and still have a ways to go in the teaching department but under control, or at least I think.

This last week brought up so many intense emotions for me, which ultimately are much harder to deal with than the actual parenting. Despite that I feel I should not have had kids, I love my girls more than I can say. They have saved my life a few times. They also can snap me back to reality much of the time. I know it's a selfish thing to think but sometimes I think they were given to me to save my life. I try to teach them values, morals, to have goals, and to enjoy life. I can only hope that when they move on and out of my house they have something they remember that is positive aren't completely angry with me for not being someone else.

Okay, so enough of the yucky stuff. Yes, I still feel great sadness for my girls and feel like I have completely failed them but every once in a while I get a glimmer of hope and that snap to change my perspective. You see this time it was my oldest daughter that melted my heart. She is in need of new glasses and I told her I would take her next payday. I feel horrible because her current prescription is causing her headaches and wish I could get her in right away. A few days ago my permanent retainer broke and I am currently using wax to keep the wire from destroying my tongue. As Kirsten is watching me put wax in my mouth, she says that I should make an appointment and go get it fixed. I respond with, "I will after I get you your new glasses." She follows up with, "aaawww mom, I can wait, it's more important that you get your mouth fixed." Yes, my heart and soul melted like butter. In that moment, I knew that even though I feel like I did a horrible job raising them, I didn't. Sure they make poor choices and sure some may be indirectly my fault, but at the end of the day she has a great heart. They all do.

What I learned from all of this is that no matter how much they mess up, their hearts and souls are still gentle, loving, and just plain old awesome! And that is partly my fault too. Parenting is a tough job no matter the situation, just look for the little things and hold onto them with all you've got. That is what keeps me going.