My Morning Routine

Sticking to the body image theme, I want to share more about mine. I have a very negative body image. There are things I avoid, like looking in the mirror, stepping on scales, trying on and buying clothes, and so on. I understand that most women have issues and may not like clothes shopping either. I understand the difference between extreme behavior and just having negative thoughts. With great hesitation and fear I am stepping out of my box willing to share some of those with you.

Mirrors. I do not look in mirrors. Not even to do my hair. If by chance I decide to put makeup on, I get really close and only look at my eyelids being ever so careful not to avert my eyes anywhere else. If I do the whole day is a big battle. Once I managed to get through that part of the morning in the bathroom, it's time to lotion up. Sounds easy right? You see, I have eczema and need to put Vaseline on the trunk part of my body. I went many many years ignoring this so I do not touch my body. Every inch would get some sort of critique and what to do about it. I have tried to take more care of myself lately and put the Vaseline on every morning to keep my skin healthy. Yuck! I love that it works and I am not itchy. I hate that I have to touch my belly. I hurry and throw some clothes on to cover up almost everything and top it all off with a scarf to hide more.

I tell you this because I do take things more to an extreme than a woman that simply states, "ugh, i hate my belly" or "I feel gross today" A "normal" woman would say things to themselves and may even call a friend and say them out loud, then get dressed and go on with their day. Me and many other eating disorder girls can't. It freezes me and prevents me from doing things I have to or even want to. It may even cause restriction that day and extreme sadness because I can not get those thoughts and beliefs about myself out of my head.

This morning as I was putting on the Vaseline I told myself all the negative things and critiques about my body. I also told myself that even though I hate it, my belly held three beautiful baby girls in it. I am thankful that I was able to have my girls. I know many women that can not have their own children due to the disorder and that makes me sad. Knowing that somehow, sometime, someone helped them along in their disorder. My belly grew my daughters. My belly kept them safe and fed and warm for nine months until they joined me in my journey. I love my daughters and I do not want the same for them. No matter what I have been through or what goes through my head, I have to overcome that with them. I would never say the things I say to myself to them.

My challenge is to keep taking care of my body by treating the eczema even if it means touching my body. The thoughts will still come and I will still hate my body but I will keep fighting for me, for my girls!