Who am I?

For the majority of my life, this has been a question running through my mind constantly. Who am I? And I have not been able to answer this question, ever. I don't know that I can really answer it now, but I also question whether anyone can. Here is why....

First I can tell you who I am not and how I discovered that. Learning who I am not was and will continue to be a difficult and often painful journey but still one that is necessary for learning. I know that I am not someone that you can put into a mold or fit into some structured setting. I have known this my whole life yet have tried so hard to fit in or be "normal" or be the person others expected me to be. Obviously that hasn't worked out. It has been painful because of my own choices or choices of others I have lost some things and people on this path. Ultimately I am choosing not to put myself into these molds anymore. I honestly don't know what this will look like or feel like but I know it's me. I know that through the pain, the journey, and the wins and loses I will learn to accept myself as a free spirit on a journey that I can create.

One big thing I learned on my journey was about my love for others. Something I thought didn't exist. While I am still learning that this is even possible (I thought for so long that it was impossible for me to love others and have relationships) and am still learning what this means and looks like in my life, I know it exists. Why? Because of one life changing experience. Almost a year ago, my ex-husband was in a scary situation. He was very ill and once they diagnosed him, he needed to go in for immediate surgery. I knew he was sick but didn't know the severity because of the nature of our relationship at that time. We were barely speaking. The day before the surgery as he was filling out all his paperwork and finalizing things before going into the hospital for what he thought was one week, he asked me if he could put me down as his medical power of attorney because he trusted me the most. What? We don't speak? I said okay because I didn't think it was a big deal. Little did I know. I sat by his bed right after surgery, watched life drain out of him slowly, made medical decision for him, pushed the nurses to investigate further, watched him go through a second life saving surgery, sat by his side while in ICU, watched him suffer through pain, fear, and recovery of this almost death situation. I was scared for him. I cried. I experienced emotions beyond anything I knew was possible. But I didn't show him any of that, I stayed strong and did what I to do to help him get better out of that hospital. Realizing he needed 24/7 care at first, I brought him to my home to make sure he got what he needed. Between the home-care nurse and myself he recovered each day and of course now he is fine and has a huge battle scar on his belly.

I tell you all that so you can get an understand of where I am coming from. Through this time I experienced a lot of questions. I don't want to say negativity because it was all a learning process for me. The main statement/question I got the most was "I can't believe you are doing all that for him!" My thoughts were always "but why wouldn't I?" The thought of him alone in the hospital, anyone in the hospital alone, especially in a scary situation, unable to do or say anything for themselves seems so far beyond unfair and scary than I can express. He needed help. He needed care. He needed to be nursed back to health. It isn't any different than the story of Good Samaritan. Stopping to care for someone that needs it, sacrificing time, money, and energy. This taught me that not only I am stronger than I thought I was but also that I have this loving, caring, compassionate heart that fears showing up. I fear if because of statements, like, "I can't believe you are doing that" My relationship with him changed forever through that time. My relationship with myself changed forever also. I have a big heart, I just can't be afraid to show it.

There are also things I enjoy in life that I don't do. I enjoy taking a few hours out of day and drawing. I enjoy hiking and being outside. I enjoy yoga, going for walks and runs, and coffee. I enjoy leaving love notes for my girls. I enjoy long conversations with them. I also enjoy wasting time on pinterest, haha. I don't know if these are things I will forever enjoy, but at this point in my life I enjoy them. The goal is to incorporate all this in my life to be more joyful every day.

My heart is beginning to smile and that's who I am.