Love

The challenge today is to write about love, yes love. Not romantic love but what it means to love myself and my girls enough to take care of myself and my girls. The kind of love I have for them, what it means, what it looks like, how to love myself, and blah blah blah. The person that challenged me better be reading this and is probably chuckling right now, or at least that is what I imagine her doing. Anyway, this thing called love.

I have always questioned what it means and looks like. I don't remember ever being stable in it or at least not seeing it as conditional or materialistic. This of course damaged my self-esteem tremendously as it ate at me day in and day out. Today I am convinced I am unlovable and seem to have given up on the whole idea.

Here's the thing. When I say that, the most common response I get is, "but what about your girls?" Yes, what about them? I love them or at least I think I do. I would do anything to try to protect them and provide for them even if it's at my own detriment. I want for them a much better life. I will also admit that I am not perfect and have not made the best choices but I can also say that I did what I could with what I had and knew at the time. I will never be the perfect parent but I do know I will always try to show them a life full of self-improvement, a life of fighting for better, and that they deserve so much more. I do love them and that love keeps me sane and fighting for me. That love gives me moments of clarity that I can grow from. I don't know if that's the "right" kind of love, but it's what I got.

So the next question is how do I love myself enough to take care of myself? This I do not know. What does it mean to truly love oneself? How do you love yourself without becoming so stuck up and snotty? How do I love myself without hurting those around me? How do I love myself so that I don't continue to hurt me? Good questions and ones I can not answer, at least not yet. Maybe someday I will be able to know what that means or even feels like. Maybe I will be able to love myself enough to not only do the simple things but to see a future full of promise and joy and energy, just like I want for my girls.

Love? What is love? How do I obtain it? How do I see it? What does it really mean for oneself? How do I show it to others? How do I receive it without getting scared? Someday....