Take Your Child to Work Day

I have been doing a lot painting and drawing instead of keeping up on my blog even though I have so much to write about. As all the topics run through my, I can get overwhelmed. Triggers have been popping up left and right and I guess that's why I have been focusing on my creative side, so I don't have to think about the bad stuff, which I have been told is actually a good idea. So for this blog, I will write about one of them that happened last week.

I took my daughter to work with me on "Take Your Child to Work Day", something I didn't want to do but she wanted to so badly see what I did all day. You see, she wants to do everything I do. Strange because I don't think I am a very exciting person. I really discovered this about her with my recent creative outlet. Since I have started painting, I come home from work with her paintings all over my table. It's really cute but I honestly don't know how to react to it. Anyway, she went to work with me with her all done, lip gloss on, and a nice outfit. She packed her bag full of crayons, markers, paper, and books to read. She was more excited than I was.

She followed me, watched me and met my coworkers. That was easy because every single one of them were taken back by how much she looks just like me. I was shocked by that because I don't think she looks like me at all. One particular person said, "wow, she is so beautiful and looks just like you." Without thinking this through, this is what automatically came out of my mouth, "What? No way, I am fat and ugly and she is adorable and cute." Yes, ED reared his ugly head and didn't stay quiet. I was embarrassed and wanted to take it back, not because I don't believe it, but because I don't say those things out loud, especially at work. As far as they all know, I am a perfectly normal person.

This got me thinking and asking myself so many questions. One is, Why do I see a different reflection than everyone else? I just don't understand why I have to see something so different and horrible. This statement of hers and mine triggered me to the point of having the obsessive thoughts about food and exercise the rest of the night. I struggled eating and I struggled being there in front of people. I was so self conscious of how I looked that I tried very hard to stay hidden. It was very sad.

Today, and everyday, I always have these things on my mind but when it comes out in the open I am more prone to hide. This is not something I am sure of as to why but it happens. I guess it's something I need to delve into more. In the meantime, I hate that I feel so negative about myself that I feel the need to hide from the world and even my children. I also hate that I don't feel like it will ever change and I am stuck for the rest of my life with these negative thoughts. Sometimes I just want to throw the towel in because facing these thoughts and feelings are just to scary.

On the plus side, my daughter had a blast and said she loves my work. I wonder if she went to the same place I did, lol? Or maybe it has to do with how everyone would tell her how cute she is and give her candy and treats. Either way, looking at my job through her eyes can change how I view my job everyday.