As Mother's Day approaches, my history as a mother is on my mind. I have been thinking back to the beginning when it all started 15 years ago. First of all, it doesn't seem like it's been that long but the reality is that being a mother is all I have known in my adult life. You see, I got pregnant at age 18, not on purpose of course, but my pregnancy was definitely one of my life changing events.
Because this is an eating disorder blog, I will focus on that aspect of it. It was the first time I can remember eating and eating a lot. For some reason I gave myself permission to just eat. I gained a lot of weight, even too much for a "normal" pregnancy. I also discovered things about my body that I didn't know. Most importantly the miracle of growing another human being inside my abdomen. Because I was so young, I didn't experience my pregnancy the way I should have or wanted to. I was young and didn't know anything about what I was ultimately doing. I was concerned about my body and what it was doing to it. I was concerned about what I would look like afterwards. I was even bitter about what the baby was doing to my body.
As a parent, I did everything I thought a mother was supposed to do. I breastfed, I made sure she had everything she needed and then some, and I took care of her every need. After my second baby, my OCD really kicked into high gear. Yes, I have had the OCD for a very long time but didn't recognize it as that. Looking back I can see so many tendencies and behaviors. Anyway, high gear as in cleaning in the middle of night, making sure everything is spotless, afraid of germs, and so much more. I look back and wonder how I did all that I did and still gave to my children the way I did. Everything had to be perfect. I was the mom that had 2 diaper bags with me containing extra clothes, hair spray, hair brushes, hair pretties, shoes, socks, wipes, a first aid kit, tissues, and pretty much the kitchen sink....and yes I carried it all every time we went out. I felt like I was a good mom.
What the world didn't know is that I was dealing with so much pain on the inside. I kept it all bottled up and acted out with my eating disorder. I regret so much. I wish I could go back and spend more quality time with my girls instead of focusing on what we all looked like and what my house looked like and so on. I tried to hide so much.
Now that my girls are older and involved in school activities and other things, they do their own thing. They have been through pain just as I have and suffer from it. Eventually I fell apart and would just get sicker and sicker. I went into treatment leaving all that perfection and trying to be the best mom in the world behind. It was one of the hardest decisions of my life. Now I realize that I wasn't a good mom. I didn't provide for my girls the way a mom should. And even though I feel that way and have so much I wish I could take back and undo, there isn't a whole lot I feel I can do about it either. I feel stuck and incapable of giving them what they need. I think mostly because I don't even know what that is. What is healthy? How is one supposed to raise girls? How do I really fix the past? How do I clean up the messes? And how do I continue from where I am? So many regrets, questions, confusions, and feelings running through my head.
Ultimately, my girls have had a yucky life and at this point I feel like I can only hope and pray that as adults, they aren't too screwed up. I do see tendencies in them all, which scares me. But maybe, just maybe as they watch me go through recovery and heal, they will know they can to. My heart aches for my girls. They need so much more than I can give.
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