Change

Change is something that is hard for me , always has been. Even the little things like moving the canister on the kitchen counter. Sounds silly I know, but I do have OCD and issues that contribute to this difficulty. While I am working on functioning on a "normal" level with these issues, I think big changes will always be hard. Especially when they involve putting up very strong boundaries.

There will be change coming into my future and that terrifies me but it has to be done. I can't let my anxiety and OCD and fears get in my way anymore. The problem is that I don't know what this change looks like. I don't know if it will be one big jump or if it will take take and smaller steps. There is so much to think about and plan it is so very overwhelming. I also have to think about my girls. I need to look at the big picture while staying in the moment and evaluating what is best for me.

Someone told me not to worry about the little things and do what is best for you and your girls and everything else will fall into place. There is great importance to that but my problem is that I have been trained or always have second guesses or that's just not possible or I wasn't even meant to have a better life. I have so many negative thoughts that have been engraved into my very soul that it's so difficult to pull each one out. It's hard to know which ones are legitimate and which ones are only worth trash. This makes my head spin and spin.

What I do know is that it's time to love myself enough to take care of myself. I need to do what is best for me. I need to stand strong on those decisions no matter what anyone says to me or no matter what they want for me. It's a hard concept in recovery and I know I am not the only that feels this way. That is so fearful of the change or letting others down, they do nothing. I want to do something. It's time to do something.

I need love, support, encouragement, and all that good stuff around me to accomplish this. This is probably one of the hardest changes/decisions I have made in the last 3 years.