"Roots Before Branches"

http://youtu.be/9KJwyQ7F7Dg

This is my new favorite song. The first time I heard this, I was instantly connected. If you haven't clicked on the link, please do so before or while you are reading this blog.

This song has so many meanings to me I may not even be able to voice them all. I believe that everyone needs to have "roots before branches" and most of all, I believe I NEED to plant my roots.

One thing that I get very sad about is being single. I hate going to bed every night alone and even more I hate the feeling of not being good enough. This song instantly reminded me that I can't even be in a relationship with out these roots. I am not even just talking about a relationship with a man, I mean any kind of relationship. I struggle having relationships with anyone, friends and otherwise. I have wanted to for so long for "people" to just love and accept me for me but deep down I know that I have to have my roots first. I need to love and accept myself before I can expect anyone else to love and accept me. Without these roots I just push everyone away. I can blame it on trust issues, fear, past abuse, or whatever feeling I may have but I think it comes down to just plain old roots.

Another thing I struggle with is my education. I feel like I am not good enough and a failure to everyone around me. I hear things like, 'no, don't take a break' and 'no, you need to take as many classes as you can so you can get done more quickly'. Statements like these put in such a deep self-hatred and lack of acceptance for myself. It's a horrible feeling. Again, this song reminds me that I need to have my roots. It's very hard for me to even know why I am going to college or what I want to do when I grow up if I don't have my strongly planted roots. How do I grow my educational branches without these basic roots? I don't want to feel this self-loathing just because I can't handle taking a full-time load of classes.

I could go on and on about my feelings, especially my hatred for my life and my ability to recover from the past and this eating disorder and how they connect to this song. Ultimately finding a "place in this world..." needs to happen before I can be successful in anything, relationships, college, and anything else that I may face.

Yes, I do not accept myself for who I am. There I said it. "I gotta have roots before branches to know who I am before I know who I want to be. And faith to take chances to live like I see a place in this world for me." I just love this song and what it is saying.

Now what? How do I discover my roots?