Being a Mom

Following up on yesterday's post about depression, I am very proud to say that today I am trying very hard to stay proactive against it. I have not crawled back into bed after taking my girls to school and have prepared and cooked, yes cooked my meals for the day. During my times of reality and being up, my plan is to continue to take advantage of it and keep going. Maybe one day the times will be longer and longer and I won't have to fight as hard.

Anyway, today's topic is one that plagues me each and every day. Being a mother. I have several people around me that are pregnant and sometimes it can be very hard to watch. I don't even know what they are going through because many of them have been getting quite ill. I never experienced morning sickness or water retention or any of the other typical pregnancy issues. I was also very young and naive of what was happening to my body and how to be a mother. My experiences as a pregnant mom-to-be were not really that bad. The worst was my third when I was put on bed rest a couple of times through out the 9 months. My deliveries were also pretty easy, my girls pretty much walked out and I did not spend time pushing for hours. One push and they fell, literally. All three of them were barely caught by the doctor. My experiences were scary and strange and I was oblivious to most of what I was going through.

I have had all the same fears my friends have now. From my body changing to how to raise a kid. So here I am 15 years later with 3 beautiful daughters that all have changed my life in their own way. My oldest is preparing to drive and get a job so she can save money and go to NYU when she is 18. She has big plans and goals for herself and I am doing what I can to help and support her. Even though I feel like she is a good kid, I still fear that I totally screwed her up. I fear that I didn't do enough. I fear that emotionally she will be in therapy the rest of her life once she realizes what harm I actually did.

Raising children is one of the hardest things a person can do. Whether you are married, a single mom or dad, or any other type of guardian. I have been a stay at home mom, a working mom, and am now a single mom. No matter what title I hold, it is hard. I can't help be jealous of my friends that waited until they were older to start raising a family. In my mind they are wiser and have more life experience and more stable in their income. I wish that I had time to deal with my demons first so that I could have been fully prepared for what I was facing with children.

At this point in me being a mother, I can not control much of what happens. They go out into the world and have their own experiences and have their own demons they have to face. I can only guide them and hope that they can learn from them and continue to grow into healthy young adults. I feel like I failed them greatly. I know I can't "fix" them or pick up all the pieces because they have to learn on their own but I also can't help blame myself for marrying who I did and sort of choosing to have them so young. It's sooooo not fair to them.

I love them. I fear for them. I worry for them. They are my heart!