Depression

Wow, it's been a couple of weeks since I have posted. Well, first I will update you on the last few weeks, briefly. My schedule has been changed a multitude of times at work, which has left me in a state of utter frustration. Mostly because I really hate change. I don't handle it very well. It throws me off so badly that I find myself sometimes just sitting blankly for hours and hours. Not good, I know. I also have so many feelings and thoughts about my new schedule. As much as I wanted to work days so I could be home at night with my girls, I am afraid of that very thing. Will I be able to feed them properly, will I be able to deal with the ex, will I be able to deal with all my girls' emotions and activities, will I be able to give them the attention the need and deserve, and so on. This has started me in this deep depression that for the first time I recognized, before it was to late.

Which brings me to what I want to write about today, depression. There is such a stigma and complete misunderstanding of what depression is out there. This is why I fear admitting that this is one of my many ailments. But, yes, I do suffer from clinical depression. I hate it. If there is one thing I hate most about myself, it's my depression. I hate that I have very little control over it. Many of you may be thinking at this point that if I wanted I could control it. You know the old saying, "happiness is a choice"? Well, yes it can be a choice and there are days, well mostly every day I wake up and tell myself that today I am going to be happy. Unfortunately it's not as simple as that. I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that does not allow me to see reality for what it really is. This imbalance has control over my brain and my choices. This is what I hate the most. Most of the time I don't even realize that I am headed to a dark place until someone or something tells me. And even then, that's only because of my recovery experiences and allowing myself to be open to my therapist and her suggestions and wisdom. It's a very sad place to be.

My depression has impacted my life in more ways than I want it to. It affects my social life, my relationship with my girls, any relationship for that matter, how I live everyday, my choices, and my thoughts. My first experience with recovery was very confusing to me. One thing that was said over and over again is that we don't chase each other. I never really knew what that meant nor do I like that philosophy. I understand that if someone doesn't want recovery it is not any one's job to push them or force them to do things they aren't ready for or that they don't want to. What I don't understand is if we don't "chase" those that don't know any different, how will they ever know? For example, if I suffer from depression and don't know that it's been weeks since I have gotten out of bed or made an appearance at a social function, if someone doesn't call me or check to see if I am OK, how will I ever know or snap out of the depression. How will I ever learn to grow and function with this disease? It doesn't make much sense to me.

I do feel that I have been ignored because of this very "rule". Or at least I'd like to think that's what it is and not because my "friends" just plain old don't like me. These last couple of years I have felt abandoned and left alone to live this life that I just can't do alone. I know that I have made bad choices and have been in such a depression that nothing else matters. I wish that my "friends" reached out more and pointed out that I haven't been around more. I wish that my job hours didn't impact my entire life. I sit here today able to recognize and voice that I have this issue and it is something I want to grow from, but I can't do it alone.

I need help. I need phone calls. I need to be invited to functions. I need to not be ignored. I need to be shaken every once in a while. I need help with my girls. I need someone to be a source of reason when my brain isn't. Without being "chased" this can never happen and that makes me very sad.

Depression is real thing. It's a real chemical imbalance that does not allow a person to see reality or even know the difference. Knowing all of this in my moment of reality, I know that I can fight this with or without "friends". I'd rather do it with people around me and know that it would be much healthier and faster. Either way, I do choose to be healthy and will continue to wake up every day fighting no matter what the day brings.