This morning my girls had the radio on and for some reason this song came on that is and always has been a very emotional song for me. I recommend you click the link and listen to it first before continuing on with my post.
http://youtu.be/KtNYA4pAGjI
Okay, now that you have listened and watched and maybe shed a few tears, this is real. This is real in my life and my kids' lives. I regret so much and still blame myself for everything and I mean everything. From being a kid and not doing things perfect or being perfect or even just good enough to closing my eyes and ears to what my own children were telling me. I was so wrapped up confusion and who knows what. I didn't want to believe any of it. I still don't.
This morning, I heard this song. This morning while trying to dye my hair and cover up the imperfections, this song played from my living room. I don't know if I have to admit truth and quit lying to myself. This is a part of my life that I ignore and run from.
Either way I still feel like a horrible person, not worthy of anything other than the worst. This is a huge road block in my recovery and logically I know that but there is just something holding me back. Something that won't let me admit it all, talk about it all, cry about it all, deal with it all, and move on from it all. I just don't feel I deserve any better.
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