"We Bought a Zoo"

The other night I watched "We Bought A Zoo" with my girls. It was a great movie with a very touching story line. Come to find out it's based on a true story. Wow, really? I admired the man so much more for starting a fresh new life with his children.

Let me back up. For those that haven't seen the movie, I will try not to give to much away. The basic story is that this family lost their wife and mother and are struggling to move on. A dad is trying to raise his two kids on his own through all their struggles, grief, and loss. He ends up quitting his job and looks for a new house for a new start for him and his children. Finally settling on this huge new adventure of purchasing a house that comes with a failing zoo. I recommend watching it if you haven't seen it yet.

I do not know what it is like to lose a spouse to death and will never claim to. If you have, I am so very sorry and have great empathy for your situation.

With that said, I do know what it's like to lose a spouse to divorce. My situation was a very long, strange and unique one with many trials. I sit here, 3 years, later still struggling on how to pick up and move on, but with the same desires as this father had in the movie. He wanted a fresh new start for his family. I want a fresh new start for my family. Now I can't go out a buy a zoo or even a new house for that matter nor do I have any money available to me to have a lot of choices. My heart still wants this fresh start. My heart still wants to have this new life with my girls that I feel is just impossible. I don't know where to go, how to feel, what to do, etc. I have tried many things through this trying time and none have been the fresh start I am looking for. Maybe because I just don't know what I am looking for.

Ultimately, I think I want something that doesn't exist. Because of this thought, I stay in this circle of doom. Because it's unreachable, I figure I need to settle. Settle for unhappiness, settle for torment, settle for this so called life. The inner turmoil I experience everyday is unrelenting. I feel as though I am in this life just doing what I need to each day to make it through. According to things I have learned in recovery, it's not supposed to be this way.

What I do know is that I need to find my "zoo" and start over. I need to figure out who I am and what I want for me and my girls. I need a fresh new beginning for this new stage in my life.