Today is or was one of my favorite days of the year. I certainly enjoy being spoiled, sent flowers, and anything else that went with the day. The problem was that it was only one day a year and I would wake up the next morning wondering why we designate one day a year to show each other love.
This year, like the past 2 years, I am single and did not receive roses or balloons or treats. I tried to ignore this day and even have been negative towards it. What I have learned is that I am in love with the idea of being in love and romance. The reality is that's all it is, a fantasy. Something I dream about but can not have.
Here's what I have to accept. I have to accept all the things I have learned these past few years as truth. Things like I have to love myself before I can truly love someone else. This can be a hard concept but it really is true. At this point in my life I need to continue on my journey for me. I can't look around at all the couples who love each other and spoil each other this day and feel sadness and guilt. Yes, guilt. I have convinced myself that I am incapable of loving others but I am often reminded that I love my children so I can love. Maybe I am not ready to open my heart to anyone else yet. Whether it be romance, friendships, or any other type of relationship. What I do know is that I need to learn to love and care for myself before anyone else can enter the picture.
Here's to celebrating taking care of me!
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Carrying Things Alones
Now that I have Internet back, at least for a couple more weeks, I can sneak in a blog.
It's been a really tough few weeks trying to not get myself to a point of complete self-defeat. I try every day to be on top of every aspect of my life and just always seem to fail somehow. This could be financially, emotionally, as a mother, as a single parent, as an employee, as a friend, or any number of other things or people I need to be in one day. No matter what I do, it just doesn't end.
Yes, I do know this is somewhat a normal part of life. Part of being a grown up and having responsibilities. I understand that I am not perfect and I am not the only one in the world that can make a poor decision or a decision made out of fear. I know that I will never be a perfect parent or friend. What's really hard is the feeling of never being "good enough".
I have this gym membership that I can't cancel, but can't pay for either. I feel guilty using it or not using it so it's a battle either way. I also have my eating disorder self that I have to battle with at the gym. When I got the gym membership, I felt it was a good decision. After all, it's a good thing to keep your body moving and set a good example for my children. The price wasn't bad and it was part of my recovery, learning to balance a healthy amount of exercise. I had a job with benefits, my own place, and things seemed to be going well. I had no idea that months later I would find myself in a completely different situation. No job, no benefits, and no money. I did what I could to survive the month without a job and fortunately found one quicker than some in this economy. The problem though was playing catch up from that month off.
It doesn't seem like a long time, but when you are a single mom of three girls trying to make it, it is a very long time. I am still trying to catch up from that month. It has gotten to the point of not being able to provide food or other things. Some people suggest getting rid of all extras, like cable and phone but I do not have cable and phone. I do have Internet, but that is a need because of my school and the girls school. So do I get rid of that? Eventually it was just shut off because I couldn't pay the bill.
Christmas is only in a few short days and I have not been able to bless my girls with gifts. I just kept reminding myself and my girls that it is more important that we have a roof over our heads because even that is on thin ice. But now that it's getting closer the emotions are coming. I am very sad. I feel like a failure as a parent because I can't cancel the gym membership to help.
The emotions and burdens that come with being alone in the parenting venture are so heavy that there are days I just want to fall to the floor. I don't know that there are words to express what it feels like and the frustrations I feel. The heart-breaking texts I receive from my daughters continues to make me feel like more of failure than I already feel. I can't fix it for them. I may even screw it up more, which I know I have in the past. My hurt hearts everyday for them and at the same time is very proud of them. They have been through a lot and continue to endure things they don't deserve. A million "if only's" go through my head everyday involving my girls. It is very overwhelming and I know that I make choices that probably will screw them up forever or at the very least have them sitting in a therapists' chair complaining about how awful of a mom I was. How I wasn't there for them or how they blame me for what has happened. I worry that I didn't get out of bed soon enough or that I had to work too late, or that I made the wrong breakfast for them, or even that I didn't smile enough at them. Did I do everything I could to help them succeed despite their circumstances?
Everyday feels like another defeat.
Well, here's the other perspective. Everyday I see my kids in need, whether its financially, emotionally, or physically, I try even harder to provide for them. It gives me motivation to keep growing and changing. It gives me that second wind to get through the rest of the day. My girls are my motivation. They deserve so much better than they have and if there is just one thing I can do today to help them, I will. I am tired, very tired. I am tired of doing this alone. I am tired of carrying it all on my shoulders. I am tired of having to have it all together so they don't get worried too. I am tired of playing so many roles at the drop of a hat or even at the same time. I am tired of feeling defeated with my finances and not being able to buy food or coats for them. I am tired of not being able to snap away the pain and sorrow my girls and I feel everyday and try to cover up.
I have some decisions I have to make that are very scary to make, but I know it needs to be done. I can't keep running. I am blessed and loved and need to quit doing this on my own.
It's been a really tough few weeks trying to not get myself to a point of complete self-defeat. I try every day to be on top of every aspect of my life and just always seem to fail somehow. This could be financially, emotionally, as a mother, as a single parent, as an employee, as a friend, or any number of other things or people I need to be in one day. No matter what I do, it just doesn't end.
Yes, I do know this is somewhat a normal part of life. Part of being a grown up and having responsibilities. I understand that I am not perfect and I am not the only one in the world that can make a poor decision or a decision made out of fear. I know that I will never be a perfect parent or friend. What's really hard is the feeling of never being "good enough".
I have this gym membership that I can't cancel, but can't pay for either. I feel guilty using it or not using it so it's a battle either way. I also have my eating disorder self that I have to battle with at the gym. When I got the gym membership, I felt it was a good decision. After all, it's a good thing to keep your body moving and set a good example for my children. The price wasn't bad and it was part of my recovery, learning to balance a healthy amount of exercise. I had a job with benefits, my own place, and things seemed to be going well. I had no idea that months later I would find myself in a completely different situation. No job, no benefits, and no money. I did what I could to survive the month without a job and fortunately found one quicker than some in this economy. The problem though was playing catch up from that month off.
It doesn't seem like a long time, but when you are a single mom of three girls trying to make it, it is a very long time. I am still trying to catch up from that month. It has gotten to the point of not being able to provide food or other things. Some people suggest getting rid of all extras, like cable and phone but I do not have cable and phone. I do have Internet, but that is a need because of my school and the girls school. So do I get rid of that? Eventually it was just shut off because I couldn't pay the bill.
Christmas is only in a few short days and I have not been able to bless my girls with gifts. I just kept reminding myself and my girls that it is more important that we have a roof over our heads because even that is on thin ice. But now that it's getting closer the emotions are coming. I am very sad. I feel like a failure as a parent because I can't cancel the gym membership to help.
The emotions and burdens that come with being alone in the parenting venture are so heavy that there are days I just want to fall to the floor. I don't know that there are words to express what it feels like and the frustrations I feel. The heart-breaking texts I receive from my daughters continues to make me feel like more of failure than I already feel. I can't fix it for them. I may even screw it up more, which I know I have in the past. My hurt hearts everyday for them and at the same time is very proud of them. They have been through a lot and continue to endure things they don't deserve. A million "if only's" go through my head everyday involving my girls. It is very overwhelming and I know that I make choices that probably will screw them up forever or at the very least have them sitting in a therapists' chair complaining about how awful of a mom I was. How I wasn't there for them or how they blame me for what has happened. I worry that I didn't get out of bed soon enough or that I had to work too late, or that I made the wrong breakfast for them, or even that I didn't smile enough at them. Did I do everything I could to help them succeed despite their circumstances?
Everyday feels like another defeat.
Well, here's the other perspective. Everyday I see my kids in need, whether its financially, emotionally, or physically, I try even harder to provide for them. It gives me motivation to keep growing and changing. It gives me that second wind to get through the rest of the day. My girls are my motivation. They deserve so much better than they have and if there is just one thing I can do today to help them, I will. I am tired, very tired. I am tired of doing this alone. I am tired of carrying it all on my shoulders. I am tired of having to have it all together so they don't get worried too. I am tired of playing so many roles at the drop of a hat or even at the same time. I am tired of feeling defeated with my finances and not being able to buy food or coats for them. I am tired of not being able to snap away the pain and sorrow my girls and I feel everyday and try to cover up.
I have some decisions I have to make that are very scary to make, but I know it needs to be done. I can't keep running. I am blessed and loved and need to quit doing this on my own.
Monday, November 28, 2011
"Don't go backwards"
Yes it's been a while since my last post. First because I had a computer virus I needed to get fixed, then the holidays, the time just got away.
Anyway, many of you know the struggles I have been dealing with the past few months. It is very tough being a single mom. Emotionally, financially, physically, etc. There are days I want to throw the towel in and there are days that I just "know" I am a failure. There are also days I question every decision I made that got me to where I am. I wonder where is the better. I thought recovery and being healthier was supposed to feel good and make my life better.
Here's the thing plain and simple! It has. No matter the struggles, the bad days, the regretting thoughts, or the feeling of being a failure, I am healthier and that is better.
A few days ago someone that didn't know my struggles found them out. She simply hugged me. Then she quietly said, "don't go backwards." She is right. I have to keep going forward. No matter how bad things get or how depressing the future may seem, it won't get better if I step back. The truth is I was headed the direction. I was feeling so desperate that anything that would help me out seemed like a good idea. But that was only going backwards. I don't want to go backwards. I can't pin point what it was that made me lose my drive, but I did. It makes me sad that the girl fresh out of recovery that had dreams and goals disappeared.
So today I have a choice. I can wallow in my own self-pity or I can take care of myself the way I know how. Sure I have a lot of reasons to be sad and frustrated with my situation, but I also have a lot of reasons to be grateful. I am so very grateful that I have so many people that love me and want to see me acheive my goals. I have so many people that support me and don't leave my side despite my flaws. I have three beautiful daughters who are so very helpful and encouraging and of course they ground me and bring me back to reality. I have a job, a roof, a bed, running water, food, heat, and so much more. I am grateful!
My life is hard but it's also mine. Today I am going to take care of myself. I am going to make choices for me that will help me move forward. I will take one step, even if it's a baby step, forward, not backwards, towards my dreams and goals.
Anyway, many of you know the struggles I have been dealing with the past few months. It is very tough being a single mom. Emotionally, financially, physically, etc. There are days I want to throw the towel in and there are days that I just "know" I am a failure. There are also days I question every decision I made that got me to where I am. I wonder where is the better. I thought recovery and being healthier was supposed to feel good and make my life better.
Here's the thing plain and simple! It has. No matter the struggles, the bad days, the regretting thoughts, or the feeling of being a failure, I am healthier and that is better.
A few days ago someone that didn't know my struggles found them out. She simply hugged me. Then she quietly said, "don't go backwards." She is right. I have to keep going forward. No matter how bad things get or how depressing the future may seem, it won't get better if I step back. The truth is I was headed the direction. I was feeling so desperate that anything that would help me out seemed like a good idea. But that was only going backwards. I don't want to go backwards. I can't pin point what it was that made me lose my drive, but I did. It makes me sad that the girl fresh out of recovery that had dreams and goals disappeared.
So today I have a choice. I can wallow in my own self-pity or I can take care of myself the way I know how. Sure I have a lot of reasons to be sad and frustrated with my situation, but I also have a lot of reasons to be grateful. I am so very grateful that I have so many people that love me and want to see me acheive my goals. I have so many people that support me and don't leave my side despite my flaws. I have three beautiful daughters who are so very helpful and encouraging and of course they ground me and bring me back to reality. I have a job, a roof, a bed, running water, food, heat, and so much more. I am grateful!
My life is hard but it's also mine. Today I am going to take care of myself. I am going to make choices for me that will help me move forward. I will take one step, even if it's a baby step, forward, not backwards, towards my dreams and goals.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Frustration or Gratefulness?
So I let go of my pride and walked into the welfare office to apply for food stamps. I also turned in an application at their schools for the free/reduced lunch program. Pride? Well because it means I am a failure at providing for my girls. Anyway, a week later I find out that I only qualify for $30 a month. What? How does a single mom of 3 children only qualify for so little? How do I feed my girls on $30 a month? Of course my first reaction is not of thankfulness, it's of frustration and unfairness. It's validating my inability to provide for my girls. I felt horrible. Now what? How do I feed them?
I received a letter from their schools and I anxiously opened it. They all said that my girls qualify for free lunches and breakfasts. Phew! That's two meals they can eat. I explained to them that they can now eat at school and of course added on to be grateful that they have this opportunity. As teenagers, they complained at first, just as I did about the food stamps. They don't want to known as the poor kids in line. I understand how hard it is but continued to explain to them that we all need to be grateful for what we do have because there are some out there that are living out their cars or worse, on the streets picking food from the trash.
Talk about a different perspective. I get to that parent side of me and completely change how I am thinking. I am grateful that my girls will be able to eat 2 decent meals a day. I am grateful that they have opportunities other kids don't have like even being able to go to school. And even though I only get $30 a month, I get $30 a month. I can get some milk, peanut butter and bread. Sure it may get boring, but it's food. I am thankful that my situation is not worse than it is.
I received a letter from their schools and I anxiously opened it. They all said that my girls qualify for free lunches and breakfasts. Phew! That's two meals they can eat. I explained to them that they can now eat at school and of course added on to be grateful that they have this opportunity. As teenagers, they complained at first, just as I did about the food stamps. They don't want to known as the poor kids in line. I understand how hard it is but continued to explain to them that we all need to be grateful for what we do have because there are some out there that are living out their cars or worse, on the streets picking food from the trash.
Talk about a different perspective. I get to that parent side of me and completely change how I am thinking. I am grateful that my girls will be able to eat 2 decent meals a day. I am grateful that they have opportunities other kids don't have like even being able to go to school. And even though I only get $30 a month, I get $30 a month. I can get some milk, peanut butter and bread. Sure it may get boring, but it's food. I am thankful that my situation is not worse than it is.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Sticks and Stones.....
We have all heard the old saying, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me", right? We may have even been taught to say it to those who made fun of us or said things that were hurtful. But is there any truth to this old saying?
I've been thinking a lot about this ever since the video about the judge beating his daughter with a belt surfaced. It's painful to watch and has made me flinch like the rest of the world. As I have seen the news and interviews with the daughter and even the mother who joined in the beating, it has brought up a lot of feelings and a lot of thinking.
Why is it that it is so easy to stand up and say it is wrong to hit someone repeatedly with a belt but not so easy to stand up and say that it's wrong to verbally abuse a child or any person for that matter? I understand that one is visible and the other is not. I understand that it is harder to prove one over the other. I also understand that the world doesn't see the verbal or emotional as abuse the way they see the beating in the video. This is a very hard topic for me as I have experienced both. But from my perspective the verbal and emotional is worse and much more difficult to overcome.
I have fears of touch yes, but I struggle everyday with words that haunt me every minute. I also watch this borderline abuse almost daily in my children. I say borderline because I am not sure where the line is when you call it abuse or being inappropriate. I cry myself to sleep at night knowing there isn't anything I can do about it. I am sad knowing that my girls will grow up with thoughts and words that will haunt them also. Knowing that it may just as hard if not harder for them to let go of the words they have been told.
Every minute of everyday there are people that suffer in silence with these words. These feelings of low self-worth, hopelessness, self-hatred, lack of trust in people and the world, fears, and so many more stick with people so badly that they believe them and begin to act out. They act out in eating disorders, in drug addictions, in alcohol addictions, in self-harming behaviors, sexually and so many other ways. People quickly judge these behaviors and don't think of what is underneath them. The cry for help and love and attention and acceptance that the person so desperately wants. The covering up of the the horrid self-hatred and hopelessness that people feel. And why? All because someone they love and trusted told them they were ugly or worthless. Someone that was supposed to love and care for them tied them to a bed and told them they could never love them and that they weren't as good as someone else. That they could never measure up or would never be someone when they grew up. The words go on and on and on. The phrases continue to replay in our minds as young children until they become who we are.
Whether we have been beat or told horrible things....we suffer. It's not fair that so much attention is brought to a beating but no one likes to talk about the verbal and emotional abuse that goes on all to often. Where are the videos of a mother belittling her child? Where are the videos of a father telling his son he'll never be good enough? Where are the videos of the words?
The new perspective in all of this? I don't know. Maybe it is something as simple as not judging other's behaviors or speaking out a little more about the words. I don't know if videos will ever surface of the verbal abuse of a parent or if the judicial system will ever take it more seriously but I do know that it is real and unless people speak out more, there will continue to be little attention on the words.
I've been thinking a lot about this ever since the video about the judge beating his daughter with a belt surfaced. It's painful to watch and has made me flinch like the rest of the world. As I have seen the news and interviews with the daughter and even the mother who joined in the beating, it has brought up a lot of feelings and a lot of thinking.
Why is it that it is so easy to stand up and say it is wrong to hit someone repeatedly with a belt but not so easy to stand up and say that it's wrong to verbally abuse a child or any person for that matter? I understand that one is visible and the other is not. I understand that it is harder to prove one over the other. I also understand that the world doesn't see the verbal or emotional as abuse the way they see the beating in the video. This is a very hard topic for me as I have experienced both. But from my perspective the verbal and emotional is worse and much more difficult to overcome.
I have fears of touch yes, but I struggle everyday with words that haunt me every minute. I also watch this borderline abuse almost daily in my children. I say borderline because I am not sure where the line is when you call it abuse or being inappropriate. I cry myself to sleep at night knowing there isn't anything I can do about it. I am sad knowing that my girls will grow up with thoughts and words that will haunt them also. Knowing that it may just as hard if not harder for them to let go of the words they have been told.
Every minute of everyday there are people that suffer in silence with these words. These feelings of low self-worth, hopelessness, self-hatred, lack of trust in people and the world, fears, and so many more stick with people so badly that they believe them and begin to act out. They act out in eating disorders, in drug addictions, in alcohol addictions, in self-harming behaviors, sexually and so many other ways. People quickly judge these behaviors and don't think of what is underneath them. The cry for help and love and attention and acceptance that the person so desperately wants. The covering up of the the horrid self-hatred and hopelessness that people feel. And why? All because someone they love and trusted told them they were ugly or worthless. Someone that was supposed to love and care for them tied them to a bed and told them they could never love them and that they weren't as good as someone else. That they could never measure up or would never be someone when they grew up. The words go on and on and on. The phrases continue to replay in our minds as young children until they become who we are.
Whether we have been beat or told horrible things....we suffer. It's not fair that so much attention is brought to a beating but no one likes to talk about the verbal and emotional abuse that goes on all to often. Where are the videos of a mother belittling her child? Where are the videos of a father telling his son he'll never be good enough? Where are the videos of the words?
The new perspective in all of this? I don't know. Maybe it is something as simple as not judging other's behaviors or speaking out a little more about the words. I don't know if videos will ever surface of the verbal abuse of a parent or if the judicial system will ever take it more seriously but I do know that it is real and unless people speak out more, there will continue to be little attention on the words.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Hopeless?
I have been starting many blogs with many different topics the past few days and have finished none of them. I have deleted them and put my computer down. Why? Because there is so much on my mind that I don't know where to start or to finish my thoughts. But I think I will write about taking life one day at a time or even one minute at a time.
Last week I had a garage sale to help financially and for last week it did. I was content that I would be okay for another. Not only did I cover my bills, I was very blessed with groceries to feed my girls. Okay, so one week down and okay. I was also able to see the greatness of God's love and blessings for me, despite that I soooooooo don't deserve any of it. I also have been brought to tears the love of my friends that have been helping me through all of this chaos. I am in awe of last week.
Here I am in a new week with new problems. Again, struggling with covering all the bills. I feel so defeated and unsure of what to do. Last night I was trying to grasp at anything to help my situation. Some of those thoughts weren't good ones and would not be smart decisions to make. But what do I do to help my situation? My ultimate decision is to have another garage sale this weekend to see if I can once again pay my bills. My frustration is that I don't have anything but basic bills and one loan that is causing me such stress.
So where's my new perspective? I don't know anymore as I am just trying to survive each day. A friend reminded me last to take it one day at time. And at this point in my life, I have to. I have to know that today, there is food for my girls, I have a place to live, and a job along with many other blessings. Today there isn't anything to worry about. I also had another dear friend remind me of the basics. She said she loved me and hates to see my struggle. That brought tears to my eyes to know that she cares that much about little ole me. Me, someone that is so messed up and so confused and struggles with way to many things.
I get it and I know I have screwed, especially with money and trying to care for my girls. It is so very hard and emotionally overwhelming to bear all the burdens of raising my girls alone. There are days I want to throw the towel in and not to it anymore. There are days that all I want to do is hold them in my arms and just love them. There are days I want to run away and hide. There are days I want to be able to tell them that I have it all under control. And there are days that I just don't know what I want or what to do. I do know that it's my job to protect them and provide for them, two things I feel I can't do. There are things I don't have control over and that burdens my heart so heavily.
There is a song that I relate to so much lately and every time it comes on the radio it makes me wonder if I really am more than flesh and bones or if I have screwed up enough to not be worth anything.
http://youtu.be/oF5CjtrIl_c
Check out the song! The first couple of lines is all that I am and why I feel so defeated. I am the "wife" that stays up late at night, the "man" struggling to provide, the "son" who chose a broken road, and the girl that will end up alone! Hopeless. What's next?
Last week I had a garage sale to help financially and for last week it did. I was content that I would be okay for another. Not only did I cover my bills, I was very blessed with groceries to feed my girls. Okay, so one week down and okay. I was also able to see the greatness of God's love and blessings for me, despite that I soooooooo don't deserve any of it. I also have been brought to tears the love of my friends that have been helping me through all of this chaos. I am in awe of last week.
Here I am in a new week with new problems. Again, struggling with covering all the bills. I feel so defeated and unsure of what to do. Last night I was trying to grasp at anything to help my situation. Some of those thoughts weren't good ones and would not be smart decisions to make. But what do I do to help my situation? My ultimate decision is to have another garage sale this weekend to see if I can once again pay my bills. My frustration is that I don't have anything but basic bills and one loan that is causing me such stress.
So where's my new perspective? I don't know anymore as I am just trying to survive each day. A friend reminded me last to take it one day at time. And at this point in my life, I have to. I have to know that today, there is food for my girls, I have a place to live, and a job along with many other blessings. Today there isn't anything to worry about. I also had another dear friend remind me of the basics. She said she loved me and hates to see my struggle. That brought tears to my eyes to know that she cares that much about little ole me. Me, someone that is so messed up and so confused and struggles with way to many things.
I get it and I know I have screwed, especially with money and trying to care for my girls. It is so very hard and emotionally overwhelming to bear all the burdens of raising my girls alone. There are days I want to throw the towel in and not to it anymore. There are days that all I want to do is hold them in my arms and just love them. There are days I want to run away and hide. There are days I want to be able to tell them that I have it all under control. And there are days that I just don't know what I want or what to do. I do know that it's my job to protect them and provide for them, two things I feel I can't do. There are things I don't have control over and that burdens my heart so heavily.
There is a song that I relate to so much lately and every time it comes on the radio it makes me wonder if I really am more than flesh and bones or if I have screwed up enough to not be worth anything.
http://youtu.be/oF5CjtrIl_c
Check out the song! The first couple of lines is all that I am and why I feel so defeated. I am the "wife" that stays up late at night, the "man" struggling to provide, the "son" who chose a broken road, and the girl that will end up alone! Hopeless. What's next?
Sunday, November 6, 2011
The Gift of Nothing
As I sit here staring at my somewhat empty apartment tonight...I am full of gratefulness and joy! As hard as it was to make the decision to sell our things to help financially, I have to remind myself it's just stuff.
You see, I had a "garage" sale today to make ends meet. I have so many emotions going on right now, mostly that of being a complete failure. I have been struggling financially since August and things are just getting worse. At first I put my account in the negative each payday in order to keep going. There were just to many demands, school fees, school supplies, more school fees, more gas in the car because of school, clothing, food, etc. etc. etc. I tried to keep up without letting the girls know how serious things were. I didn't want them to worry or feel guilty about their needs. I wasn't spending money on expensive clothes or even extra school needs. Just the very basics.
But as time went on I just couldn't do it anymore. I had to take back control and I made the decision to not go in the negative anymore no matter what. The problem though was that I would not be able to buy groceries. Fortunately I was so blessed with groceries from a dear friend, who didn't even know how serious my situation was. Sadly, I was still going to go in the negative. I decided to sell some of my "prized" positions which led to the idea of selling more things.
This was hard for me because we don't have much. I just think that as a "responsible" parent, my girls need a couch to sit on and a table to eat at. I began to ask myself, how much stuff do we really need to survive? I weighed my options and providing my girls with a roof over their heads was more important to me than having a couch. So I figured if some people don't even have a roof over their heads, we can eat on the floor. So it began...the garage sale. I sold my table and chairs, my day bed/couch, night stands, and a bunch of other things. And yes, I even sold my Coach bags...the only possession I love because I buy one every year on my treatment anniversary. They are reminders of where I have been and to keep going. Reminders that are now gone.
Now it is almost the end of the day and yes, I did make the perfect amount to cover my utilities and car insurance and a couple other bills without going in the negative. I kind of don't really know where to go from here. I have all sorts of mixed feelings but I do have a new perspective of what "need" means. We need food, water, shelter, and clothing. These things I can provide for my girls. And I will do whatever it takes to make sure they have their needs, even if it means selling my "stuff"
You see, I had a "garage" sale today to make ends meet. I have so many emotions going on right now, mostly that of being a complete failure. I have been struggling financially since August and things are just getting worse. At first I put my account in the negative each payday in order to keep going. There were just to many demands, school fees, school supplies, more school fees, more gas in the car because of school, clothing, food, etc. etc. etc. I tried to keep up without letting the girls know how serious things were. I didn't want them to worry or feel guilty about their needs. I wasn't spending money on expensive clothes or even extra school needs. Just the very basics.
But as time went on I just couldn't do it anymore. I had to take back control and I made the decision to not go in the negative anymore no matter what. The problem though was that I would not be able to buy groceries. Fortunately I was so blessed with groceries from a dear friend, who didn't even know how serious my situation was. Sadly, I was still going to go in the negative. I decided to sell some of my "prized" positions which led to the idea of selling more things.
This was hard for me because we don't have much. I just think that as a "responsible" parent, my girls need a couch to sit on and a table to eat at. I began to ask myself, how much stuff do we really need to survive? I weighed my options and providing my girls with a roof over their heads was more important to me than having a couch. So I figured if some people don't even have a roof over their heads, we can eat on the floor. So it began...the garage sale. I sold my table and chairs, my day bed/couch, night stands, and a bunch of other things. And yes, I even sold my Coach bags...the only possession I love because I buy one every year on my treatment anniversary. They are reminders of where I have been and to keep going. Reminders that are now gone.
Now it is almost the end of the day and yes, I did make the perfect amount to cover my utilities and car insurance and a couple other bills without going in the negative. I kind of don't really know where to go from here. I have all sorts of mixed feelings but I do have a new perspective of what "need" means. We need food, water, shelter, and clothing. These things I can provide for my girls. And I will do whatever it takes to make sure they have their needs, even if it means selling my "stuff"
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