"Don't go backwards"

Yes it's been a while since my last post. First because I had a computer virus I needed to get fixed, then the holidays, the time just got away.

Anyway, many of you know the struggles I have been dealing with the past few months. It is very tough being a single mom. Emotionally, financially, physically, etc. There are days I want to throw the towel in and there are days that I just "know" I am a failure. There are also days I question every decision I made that got me to where I am. I wonder where is the better. I thought recovery and being healthier was supposed to feel good and make my life better.

Here's the thing plain and simple! It has. No matter the struggles, the bad days, the regretting thoughts, or the feeling of being a failure, I am healthier and that is better.

A few days ago someone that didn't know my struggles found them out. She simply hugged me. Then she quietly said, "don't go backwards." She is right. I have to keep going forward. No matter how bad things get or how depressing the future may seem, it won't get better if I step back. The truth is I was headed the direction. I was feeling so desperate that anything that would help me out seemed like a good idea. But that was only going backwards. I don't want to go backwards. I can't pin point what it was that made me lose my drive, but I did. It makes me sad that the girl fresh out of recovery that had dreams and goals disappeared.

So today I have a choice. I can wallow in my own self-pity or I can take care of myself the way I know how. Sure I have a lot of reasons to be sad and frustrated with my situation, but I also have a lot of reasons to be grateful. I am so very grateful that I have so many people that love me and want to see me acheive my goals. I have so many people that support me and don't leave my side despite my flaws. I have three beautiful daughters who are so very helpful and encouraging and of course they ground me and bring me back to reality. I have a job, a roof, a bed, running water, food, heat, and so much more. I am grateful!

My life is hard but it's also mine. Today I am going to take care of myself. I am going to make choices for me that will help me move forward. I will take one step, even if it's a baby step, forward, not backwards, towards my dreams and goals.