Hopeless?

I have been starting many blogs with many different topics the past few days and have finished none of them. I have deleted them and put my computer down. Why? Because there is so much on my mind that I don't know where to start or to finish my thoughts. But I think I will write about taking life one day at a time or even one minute at a time.

Last week I had a garage sale to help financially and for last week it did. I was content that I would be okay for another. Not only did I cover my bills, I was very blessed with groceries to feed my girls. Okay, so one week down and okay. I was also able to see the greatness of God's love and blessings for me, despite that I soooooooo don't deserve any of it. I also have been brought to tears the love of my friends that have been helping me through all of this chaos. I am in awe of last week.

Here I am in a new week with new problems. Again, struggling with covering all the bills. I feel so defeated and unsure of what to do. Last night I was trying to grasp at anything to help my situation. Some of those thoughts weren't good ones and would not be smart decisions to make. But what do I do to help my situation? My ultimate decision is to have another garage sale this weekend to see if I can once again pay my bills. My frustration is that I don't have anything but basic bills and one loan that is causing me such stress.

So where's my new perspective? I don't know anymore as I am just trying to survive each day. A friend reminded me last to take it one day at time. And at this point in my life, I have to. I have to know that today, there is food for my girls, I have a place to live, and a job along with many other blessings. Today there isn't anything to worry about. I also had another dear friend remind me of the basics. She said she loved me and hates to see my struggle. That brought tears to my eyes to know that she cares that much about little ole me. Me, someone that is so messed up and so confused and struggles with way to many things.

I get it and I know I have screwed, especially with money and trying to care for my girls. It is so very hard and emotionally overwhelming to bear all the burdens of raising my girls alone. There are days I want to throw the towel in and not to it anymore. There are days that all I want to do is hold them in my arms and just love them. There are days I want to run away and hide. There are days I want to be able to tell them that I have it all under control. And there are days that I just don't know what I want or what to do. I do know that it's my job to protect them and provide for them, two things I feel I can't do. There are things I don't have control over and that burdens my heart so heavily.

There is a song that I relate to so much lately and every time it comes on the radio it makes me wonder if I really am more than flesh and bones or if I have screwed up enough to not be worth anything.

http://youtu.be/oF5CjtrIl_c

Check out the song! The first couple of lines is all that I am and why I feel so defeated. I am the "wife" that stays up late at night, the "man" struggling to provide, the "son" who chose a broken road, and the girl that will end up alone! Hopeless. What's next?