The Gift of Nothing

As I sit here staring at my somewhat empty apartment tonight...I am full of gratefulness and joy! As hard as it was to make the decision to sell our things to help financially, I have to remind myself it's just stuff.

You see, I had a "garage" sale today to make ends meet. I have so many emotions going on right now, mostly that of being a complete failure. I have been struggling financially since August and things are just getting worse. At first I put my account in the negative each payday in order to keep going. There were just to many demands, school fees, school supplies, more school fees, more gas in the car because of school, clothing, food, etc. etc. etc. I tried to keep up without letting the girls know how serious things were. I didn't want them to worry or feel guilty about their needs. I wasn't spending money on expensive clothes or even extra school needs. Just the very basics.

But as time went on I just couldn't do it anymore. I had to take back control and I made the decision to not go in the negative anymore no matter what. The problem though was that I would not be able to buy groceries. Fortunately I was so blessed with groceries from a dear friend, who didn't even know how serious my situation was. Sadly, I was still going to go in the negative. I decided to sell some of my "prized" positions which led to the idea of selling more things. 

This was hard for me because we don't have much. I just think that as a "responsible" parent, my girls need a couch to sit on and a table to eat at. I began to ask myself, how much stuff do we really need to survive? I weighed my options and providing my girls with a roof over their heads was more important to me than having a couch. So I figured if some people don't even have a roof over their heads, we can eat on the floor. So it began...the garage sale. I sold my table and chairs, my day bed/couch, night stands, and a bunch of other things. And yes, I even sold my Coach bags...the only possession I love because I buy one every year on my treatment anniversary. They are reminders of where I have been and to keep going. Reminders that are now gone.

Now it is almost the end of the day and yes, I did make the perfect amount to cover my utilities and car insurance and a couple other bills without going in the negative. I kind of don't really know where to go from here. I have all sorts of mixed feelings but I do have a new perspective of what "need" means. We need food, water, shelter, and clothing. These things I can provide for my girls. And I will do whatever it takes to make sure they have their needs, even if it means selling my "stuff"