I have thought long and hard about what to write about on here and every time I sit down to write, I delete. I used to be able to write everyday with no problem as words fly around my head at an overwhelming rate. I think I have been feeling very unsure of what I am going through and that it is no where near worthy of sharing compared to what others go through. So I wait for a big horrible event to share thinking that maybe someone else can relate and/or understand and not feel alone. Truth is I have been feeling very alone lately and continue to isolate more and more. So I have to just write. I have to begin to come out of the turtle shell I keep safely over my head, my life.
I have been dealing with body image big time. My body has not done what I want it to do or what even what others expected it to do during my recovery. My own thoughts on this has been things like, 'see, I don't need to eat', 'i was right all along', 'you people don't know what you are talking about', and but limited to, 'I knew there was always something wrong with me.' The things that I think while it is quiet and I am alone are things like, 'I am so stupid', 'I can't trust anyone', 'I am such a fat bitch', 'I hate myself so much so why try' and more. Yes, my mind tells me terrible things. Things I would never say to another person. Sometimes all that is so loud I have to act out. I have to make them be quiet or I give in to them and argue or agree until I am soooo tired I pass out. It's hard and exhausting.
The plus would be that all this plus my recovery knowledge has finally led me to take things a step further and ask my doctor what is going on. I found out somethings that are both hard to hear and relieving at the same time. Part of me feels like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders knowing that my body can't tolerate certain foods. Part of me is angry that I didn't ask questions sooner. The other part of me is even angrier that I let myself get this far into recovery without being more persistent and not eat because of my body. Confusing I know.
Today I sit here even more angry with myself. You see once I decided I was going to do what it takes to get myself healthy, I get sick. I have been sick with this cold/flu for 5 days now. In the past I would have laid in bed when I could and not eaten because I don't feel like eating when I am sick. This time I want to get better as quick as I can so I can get back to my routine so I drink orange juice, The dreaded, ever-forbidden orange juice. This threw me off all week. The next day, after reading the oj label, I stayed away but continually felt the guilt of that first glass. I try tea, water, and soup but could not shake the guilt of not sticking to what my body tolerates and needs. I am ashamed to admit that the guilt led me to throw my hands up and not care. So I drank more orange juice, more sugary drinks, and foods that my body does not like.
I feel miserable. Still very sick, coughing, fever, sneezing, no voice, and didn't go to work today. More guilt. When it comes down to it, I struggle with loving myself and my body enough to take care of it properly. I tell myself to be patient but all that does is give me room to mess up more. I am frustrated and tired. I feel like I can't do anything right. I feel that I am not lovable or worth caring about. It's hard to keep motivated.
So my new positive perspective on all of this. I am not sure. I know that logically I need to be patient with myself because I am sick. I also know that there seems to always be a reason or an excuse for me to be patient with myself. The bottom line is that I need to start making the choice to care and love myself enough to do what I need to do. To give my body what it needs.
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