Is it too late?

These last couple of years have been really rough. Making decisions for my girls and myself have proven to be more difficult than I thought. Not only have they been difficult, the emotions that come along with them have been almost unbearable. Hindsight right? That's the crazy thing, I can look back and still have no idea which ones were the wrong ones and which ones were somewhat close to being beneficial. What does hindsight even mean?

What I do know is that it's a constant struggle and a constant feeling of inadequacy and guilt. Never feeling good enough or strong enough or right enough or smart enough or capable enough to care for my girls. No matter what decisions I have made, those feelings just don't go away. Trying things so many different ways to find something that works seems impossible. So far, nothing has worked.

I feel like a lost soul just wondering around this Earth. I am convinced at this point that no matter what I try, I am deemed to just have an unhappy life. Living like a robot doing what I am supposed to do, like get my kids to school, go to work, pay the bills, clean the house, and so on. I know that I am not perfect and I know that my life won't be perfect either but I tried to believe that things would be better not just different. Having that hope just led me to more hurt and disappointment, mostly in myself.

So my battle is whether or not to let go of that last little bit of hope or wish for something better. This little hope is dangling so far off the string that I can hardly see it. I feel it's just too late for me so why keep trying to climb the never ending up-hill battle. I tried the fight. I tried the way others wanted me to try it and I tried it myself and I still sit here feeling very defeated and beat up, just exhausted and knowing that no matter what I do, I screw everything up!