Lost hope?

First I have to write a disclaimer...I know that everyone has similar issues when it comes to money, parenting, relationships, etc. I am not trying to say that they don't or that mine are worse than others. I am just trying to explain my experiences and how it relates to my eating disorder as well as really trying to put a positive spin on it. So, with that said...

As many of you know I am very frustrated with so many things. I feel like I try so hard to be mom and dad, provider, nurturer, fixer, taxi cab, housekeeper, budget, and so on. You can all imagine and probably most of you know how much needs done in one way. Add in the surprises of life, like your daughter needing surgery, you getting sick, your other daughter going through her own emotional stuff, extra expenses at school, and of course much more, and your whole life gets turned upside down.

Being a single mom, I feel adds to all of it. I could go into all the details but basically it gets very wearing on me to have to make all the decisions and go to bed alone feeling like I have no support or to tell me things will be okay. I have lost a lot of hope. I don't know that everything will be okay. I don't know that I make good decisions. I don't even know if I will be able to feed my kids next week.

What's even more frustrating is that I have to spend money on things I don't want to, like Internet (the kids need it for school), a phone (needed mostly for work, and is now broken anyway), and even little expenses like tampons and shampoo (which add up since we are a house of 4 girls). I know these are needs right now but I get so angry with myself for being able to provide.

All these issues and emotions of course affect my eating disorder. I am constantly body checking again, happy that food is low and I save what we have for the kids, excited when someone compliments me on losing weight, craving the scale, and sleeping more than usual. I also have those dang headaches. It's been a hard battle. Hard to fight all those urges, hard to accept myself, hard to look at food, hard to eat food, hard to not go for a long run and so on.

I am not sure what I need or how to feel better. I don't know to hope again and know that everything will just be okay.